Abigail Elizabeth Peck
1986-2015
Protected, Served, Now may she Rest.
Holly's first thought made her cringe. All she could think was how much Gail would have hated that line, hated that it was associated with her, and hated that they were all there to cry over her. Well she might have also made some sarcastic remark about how much they missed her, and how snot was running out of all their noses. It would have touched her, though, the show of love, the kind she felt she never deserved in life, being shown at her funeral.
The whole church was lined in blue uniforms, but there were others like Holly who weren't in a uniform. She could spot the young rebel Izzie Shaw, grown up in the years since Holly had last seen her, leaning heavily against her father's shoulder. Oliver hugged her close, and there were obvious tears in his eyes. Holly knew how close Gail and he were when she left. She could only imagine how they had grown closer in the following years.
Traci and Steve stood next to Oliver. Traci's arms were around Steve who looked almost blankly at the priest speaking up at the podium. The Pecklings were close…had been close. Poor Steve must be devastated by the loss of his sister.
Should she go up and speak to him after the service? She wanted to tell him how sorry she was, how much Gail would be missed. Even if they hadn't seen or spoken to each other in years, there was an occasional postcard. Short and sweet and to the point about what was going on in her life. It was enough to keep her updated, but not enough to keep a real person to person connection alive.
Holly remembered vividly the last postcard she ever got. It was four months ago. You were the love of my life, and the best person I have ever known. I wish I had had the courage to tell you that three years ago. Now it's just smoke to add to the San Fran fog. Love, GP.
Holly had read it over and over and over again, until the words were engrained in her brain. It had sounded like a goodbye, and it was of sorts. Holly hadn't gotten another, and she hadn't the courage to pick up the phone and call Gail.
It wasn't until Lisa called her that she knew why the cards had stopped.
"I'm…I'm not sure how to tell you this, Holls," Lisa had said.
"What is it? What's wrong?" Holly could feel the fear rising up inside her, gripping at her insides. The tone of Lisa's voice was the same one she always used to break bad news to Holly. It garnered automatic panic in Holly's gut.
"I was reading the paper today, and came across the obits…and well…" Lisa trailed off.
Holly gripped her cell harder. She barely managed a whisper, "Who?"
Lisa swallowed loudly. "Gail."
The world had crashed down around Holly in a way she never thought it could. All the feelings she had been suppressing knocked her for a loop. She had curled up there in her apartment and just let herself feel it. The loss of Gail wasn't something she felt like she could bear. Even though they weren't together anymore, there was comfort in knowing she had been out there in the world, protecting and hopefully being happy. She deserved that much.
Holly's eyes moved to the casket draped in the flag. This is not what she deserved. She wondered how it happened? Had she been afraid? Had she known the end was near? Holly wasn't sure she wanted the answer to those questions, but the nagging bit of her brain wondered if Gail knew she was facing the end. That last letter did sound like goodbye, and at the time Holly had assumed that meant she was ready to move on, that the cards would stop. What if she had known it could have been more than that? That it would have been more than that?
Holly shook the thoughts from her mind as Elaine Peck took the stage. The normally stern, put-together woman looked almost frail. In fact, she needed her husband's help to even get to the podium. She clutched onto his white-gloved hands like they were the only things tethering her to this earth. It was jolting to see the woman who was so intimidating turn into this shadow of a person.
"My daughter," Elaine began, "Gail was stubborn."
Holly let out a laugh, abrupt and sharp. It surprised her, but there were others, who knew Gail well, whose laughs joined her own.
Elaine cracked a smile. "Stubborn, sharp tongued, bull-headed, sarcastic, among other things. Not admirable traits by any means."
Holly sighed. Even in death, Elaine couldn't just let Gail be Gail.
Elaine took a deep breath, before she continued, "But, then again, maybe they are. My daughter was all of these things, but she was also a dedicated police officer who gave her life in the service of the people of Toronto. She earned the respect of her colleagues with exemplary dedication to the job."
Elaine's hands started to shake, so she grasped the sides of the podium tightly. "It's hard being a police officer. It's hard on families, hard on friends, hard on lovers. It makes you hard. It hardens you in a way nothing else will. Because any minute your loved ones are away could be the day you receive that phone call, but even coming from a long line of police officers can never prepared you for the day you get that call…"
As Elaine starts to choke up, Holly feels tears well in her own eyes."…the call that says your only daughter has been lost. There will be talk of duty and honor, but even though those things are admirable, those things which I thought were the most important in life, I would trade in an instant to hear those stubborn sarcastic words fly out of her sharp-tongued mouth again. There are…so many things I would want to say to her. Things I would take back. But the real thing I want Gail to know is how much I respect her, how much I love her, and most importantly…the thing I never told her: that I am so, so proud of you, Abigail Peck. Just as you are."
Hot tears fell down Holly's cheeks as Elaine exited the stage. What Gail wouldn't have given to hear her mother say those words. She'd never have admitted it, but Elaine's approval was something she had always striven for above all else. It was her mother's sternness and high standards that had kept Gail from believing fully in herself.
The rest of the funeral went by in a blur. Holly couldn't tell you what was said. After Elaine's speech, others had gone up and spoken. Words flitted past her without meaning. She stared at the framed police photo of Gail on the stand next to the coffin. She was so young in that picture, her eyes still so guarded and full of ice. Holly wished they had found a different picture, one that showed the joy in Gail's face, the life that sparked in those blue eyes.
She followed the crowd as they made their way to their cars, contemplating whether she should stay for the burial when an arm enclosed on her shoulders. She turned and saw Oliver cracking as much a smile as he could manage at her. Izzie was beside him, and gave her a little wave.
"Hey, doc," Oliver said, giving her shoulder an affectionate squeeze. "Fancy seeing you here."
Holly ducked her head. "I…I just…"
"I didn't mean anything by it, darlin'," Oliver assured her. "She would have wanted you here."
She chanced a glance up. He looked at her sincerely. "Yeah?"
"Absolutely," Izzie piped in, "She was totally still in love with you."
Oliver scowled at his daughter. "Not helping."
Holly felt the words hit like battering ram to the chest. "Yeah, well, she wasn't the only one."
They made their way silently to Holly's car, after that. She leaned heavily against the back of it as the weight of today caught up with her.
"Are you coming to the burial?" Oliver asked watching her as she tried to pull herself together.
"Yeah," she decided in that moment. "I think I am."
"Good. We're going to the Penny afterward. Have a drink in her honor. You should come."
Holly nodded. "I wouldn't miss it."
"Good."
She was spotted again at the burial. She had tried to stay in the back, but after the three-volley salute, Traci's arm had slipped through hers. The other woman smiled at her as they watched the priest give final blessing.
"Hey, Doc," a voice said from behind them.
She turned and saw Steve Peck smiling at her. Her heart skipped a bit at the look on his face, so similar to his sister's.
"Steve," she said simply. They stared at one another for a moment before Steve opened his arms, and she fell into a bear hug. "I'm so sorry about Gail."
She felt him nod against her shoulder. They stayed like that for a minute wrapped tightly in their mutual sadness, before Holly felt a soft hand on her back. She broke away and saw Traci with tears in her eyes.
"They're uh, well everyone is heading to the Penny, if you wanna…" She jerked her head as if to say 'come with.'
Holly nodded. "Oliver told me."
Traci smiled and held her hand out for Steve to take. They began walking away, when Steve stopped and turned back to Holly. "I'm glad you're here, Holly."
She cracked a smile. "So am I."
She made it only a few kilometers down the street before she had to pull over. The hot tears had come without provocation. All of a sudden her vision blurred to the point she could no longer see the road. Swerving to the shoulder, she rubbed frantically at her eyes.
"Fuck," she swore, smashing her hands against the steering wheel, again and again until her hands tingled and stung from the force. Maybe she should just leave. Not go to the Penny, bury herself alone in her hotel room with a bottle of bourbon and her thoughts. Drown herself in the fact that the love of her life was well and truly gone. She had never even told her she loved her.
Eventually, she controlled her tears enough to be able to drive again, all with the mindset of heading back to her hotel room. Instead, she found herself pulling up across the street from the Penny. It wouldn't be fair, she reasoned, to leave all those people grieving themselves worrying over where she went off.
She pushed the door open. Everyone was there, changed into street clothes, even Gail's parents. Elaine's eyebrows shot up in surprise at Holly's appearance.
Cautiously, Holly approached them. "Bill, Elaine. I'm…"
She didn't finish. Elaine Peck, Superintendent Elaine Peck, ice empress, was hugging her. It took a moment for Holly to realize what was happening enough to return the gesture. By the time she did, Elaine was pulling back. She didn't say anything. She just nodded at Holly and walked away, leaving the pathologist gapping like a fish.
Bill patted her arm. "Happy to have you here kid."
That was probably the most Bill had ever said to her. Then he too left her to follow his wife to a table in the corner where the Chief of Police sat.
She scanned the bar. Chris and Dov sat beside each other, each sipping a drink looking worse for wear. Chris's eyes were red rimmed, and Dov's head was ducked so low his hair fell covering his face. Chris caught sight of her and his eyes widened. He opened his mouth to call out to her, but a voice called for Holly's attention first.
"Holly," Oliver called. He was sitting at the bar, an empty seat to either side of him. He patted one.
She gratefully beelined for him, grateful to not have to sit with another of Gail's ex's. Not that she had anything against Chris, but his kicked puppy face would be too much for her to look at all night without crying again. She caught the bartender's eye. "Bourbon and coke please."
He nodded and started on her drink.
Oliver threw his arm around her shoulder again. "How ya holdin' up?"
Holly shrugged as the bartender set the bourbon down in front of her. She held up a finger telling him to wait as she drained the whole thing. She handed the glass back with a humorless laugh. He took the glass to make her another.
"That good, huh?" Oliver remarked nursing his own drink. It smelled like whiskey.
"Yeah, bout that good," Holly remarked. The bartender set her next in front of her.
Oliver held up his glass. "To the petulant Peck."
"To Gail." Holly lifted her glass.
"Gail," Oliver repeated.
They clinked glasses, but before Oliver drank his he clinked with the extra glass on the table beside him. He noticed Holly's eyes on it.
"This is Gail's drink and Gail's seat." He patted the stool beside him.
Holly swallowed the lump in her throat as she leaned across him to knock her glass against Gail's. She downed the drink again, relishing the burn of bourbon flowing down her throat.
She lifted her glass to get another, when the door chimed. Steve and Traci walked in, and Steve went straight to the elder Peck's table while Traci went up to the bar. She squeezed Holly's shoulder.
"Hey, guys."
"Nash, you want a seat?" Oliver got up to offer his. "You can have mine. This here is little Peck's."
Traci smiled sadly. "No thanks, Ollie. I'm just getting Steve and me a drink. I think we're sitting with his parents."
Oliver nodded, taking back his seat.
"How's Leo, Traci?" Holly asked. She hadn't seen him at the funeral.
"He's alright. Pretty upset about Aunt Gail."
The bartender came up to give Holly her drink, and Traci ordered her and Steve's. The door chimed again, but Holly didn't have a chance to look up as Traci continued.
"He's at my mom's. It just…it was too much after Jerry and now Gail…"
Holly nodded, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "Are you alright?"
Traci swallowed roughly, but nodded. "Yeah, it's just…"
Her eyes moved to her now husband, talking to his parents. "Go give him his drink, yeah? He needs it."
Traci went to leave, but turned after a second. "You'll say goodbye before you leave?"
Holly knew she wasn't talking about just tonight. Say goodbye before you leave Toronto again. Say goodbye before you go back to San Francisco. Say goodbye before…
"Yeah, I'll say goodbye."
When she turned back around, Oliver was up and hugging Chloe Price. Whose usual bubbly self seemed deflated as she pulled back and caught sight of Holly.
"Hey, Holly, nice to see you." She pulled Holly into a brief hug. "She'd be so happy you're here."
"Thanks," she replied. Before Chloe could say more, Holly was up, excusing herself to the bathroom. She needed a break. She felt the tears welling back into her eyes.
So she found herself fleeing down the bathroom hallway and out the back door. She took a deep breath of cold air. It seared her lungs, but cleared her head.
A throat cleared, making her jump. Standing there was Nick Collins. He smiled at her. "Hey, Doctor Stewart."
"Officer Collins." She had never been fond of Collins. He had broken Gail's heart too many times for her to be completely comfortable with him.
"It's uh…nice to see you. Nice for you to come, even after all this time," he said conversationally.
"Well, I don't abandon the people I love like some of us," she snapped, closing her eyes instantly in regret. That was a cheap shot and an untrue one. She had abandoned Gail. She was no better than the man in front of her. "Sorry, low blow. I…"
Nick waved a hand. "Lot of emotions going around today. I get it."
Holly nodded. The lump in her throat was rising again. "I just…"
"Feel like you missed your chance?" He supplied.
Narrowing her eyes at him, she studied how he leaned against the wall. He looked sad. He had known Gail for a very long time. Just because he had broken her heart all those years ago, didn't mean he wasn't hurting with her loss.
"Yeah, actually that's exactly how I feel," she responded. "Is that how you…?"
He laughed. "No, no, me and Gail would never have worked. I mean besides the whole lesbian thing."
Holly laughed the tension broken momentarily. "That would put a damper in your romance."
"Little bit," he agreed, before becoming solemn again. "No, it's…well do you really want to know?"
He seemed so sad as he tilted his head to study her. Whatever he wanted to tell her, she knew just from that look that it would really hurt, but she found herself nodding anyway. If she was going to feel this whole thing, she was going to feel it all. No matter how much it made her want to fall apart.
"We talked before she went off on this assignment," he began. "She was afraid. It was a big one. Her whole career was on the line, and it was dangerous."
"Is that how she died?" she asked. It hadn't said in the obit Lisa had saved her, and she had been too afraid to ask anyone, but she had to know. She had to know what happened.
Nick seemed surprised. "No one told you..."
Holly shook her head.
Nick sighed. "You sure you want to know? It's…uh…not pretty."
Holly steeled herself. "Tell me. Please."
"She was undercover with the Russian mafia, her and her partner. They were a couple, pretending to be married so they could infiltrate all areas. She hated it. Stuck in with the wives, doing pretty much nothing all day, but gossiping. That's where all the intel came from though. She got everything on everyone, just by sitting there playing cards and doing as she called it "bullshit aerobics." She brought down the entire Russian mafia."
That made Holly smile. At the very least, Gail would be pleased she completed her assignment with flying colors. She saved people's lives, even if it cost her her own.
"So what happened?"
Nick ducked his head. "Her partner let her down. He left some intel where one of the guys found it, and it ended up in a firefight. Gail covered his back, but got shot in the process. They were coming around so fast, bullets flying around us, and he fell out of a window, cracked some ribs, but it saved his life. Because a minute later, the building exploded with Gail still inside."
He looked over at Holly, and she knew, she could see it in his eyes. "Who was her partner, Nick? Who left her behind?"
"I think you know."
She could feel the anger bubbling inside her. Uncontrollable rage radiated into every extremity. All she wanted to do was hit and scream and break down. "I want to hear you say it. Say how you left her again. Say how you abandoned her, just like all the other times. SAY IT!"
She hadn't realized she was yelling, until her ears rang with those words. Her fists clinched at her side. She was barely holding on, and Nick had the audacity to look sympathetic.
"I was her partner."
CRACK. She yelled in pain, shaking out her hand. She had never hit another person in her life. Yet here she was with bruised knuckles and Nick Collins gripping at his reddening jaw.
She screamed in pure rage, and smacked against his chest repeatedly until he grabbed her wrists. She collapsed into him, sobbing. The weight of the day felt like it would crush her, and it was this man's fault. She pushed him away unsure what she would do if he continued to be that close to her.
Gail deserved so much more. Everyone abandoned her, expected too much from her, and then watched as she floundered; yet in the end she was a hero. She saved her partner. She brought down the mafia. But she never knew how much, how much her presence meant in this life, how much she meant to Holly.
And now she never would.
Holly pushed the door open. "Go home, Collins."
The last sight of Nick, before the door, slammed in his face was of a teary face with a purpling bruise forming on his jaw. Holly hoped she'd never see him again.
She made her way back to the bar, wiping the tears from her eyes. She ordered another drink when she got back beside Oliver.
"Holly?"
"I'm fine."
Oliver frowned. He watched her as she drank another, reaching out to brush his fingers against her roughed up knuckles. "You get in a fight in the toilet?"
"I found Collin's face with my fist," she snarled so fierce Oliver actually looked taken aback.
The bell dinged on the door, and Holly wondered briefly who else could be there. Maybe McNally, she hadn't seen her yet, but she was sure that Andy would be around here somewhere. Her and Gail, though on rough ground after Nick, were friends again by the time Holly had left.
Scanning the area, she found her and Swarek with Epstein and Diaz. Andy caught sight of Holly staring at her and smiled. Holly allowed herself to return it, even if she hadn't felt like doing so, but she couldn't let her anger get the better of her again. It wasn't Andy's fault, and ultimately, she thought with a sigh, it wasn't Nick's either. Her anger was with herself, and that was something she was just going to have to live with.
She turned back to tell Oliver she was going to head out, when she caught sight of someone moving through the crowd. Holly blinked a few times sure she was hallucinating. She had gone crazy. It was official.
Because there was no way Gail Peck was jumping up onto the stool Oliver had reserved for her and swigging the drink he had bought her at her own memorial. But she wasn't the only one who saw her, Oliver turned to tell off whoever was sitting there, stopping so suddenly he knocked his drink over in shock.
Gail smiled. "Hey, thanks for the drink. Buy the dead girl another?"
The bar was a frenzy at that point. Everyone moved at once, engulfing the now undead Gail Peck in hugs and questions. From what Holly could make out, she hadn't been killed in the explosion, but she had been made. With the serious threat to her own safety as well as others around her, she had to be believed as dead for a while, until all the Russians were taken down. The mission was completely this morning.
There was a loud smack. It was so hard Gail fell off the stool, stumbling to her feet. Elaine Peck was in her most furious ice empress glory, before she melted and hugged her daughter for dear life.
Gail was shocked to say the least, but allowed her mother to confirm that she was really there. Then others took turns hugging Gail. Steve picked her up and spun her around until she managed to wiggle out of his embrace. Everyone got to see her, until only Holly was left.
Gail's eyes moved from face to face and came to a stop on hers. Gail smiled softly and shyly, and it made Holly's heart flutter wild in her chest. Gail moved to stand in front of the stool Holly seemed to be glued.
"Hey," she almost whispered, hands finding their place on Holly's knees. "It's good to see you."
Holly blinked, her dazed brain finally catching up to her. Gail Peck wasn't dead. She was here. She was standing in front of her, complete and whole and oh lord did she love her.
So without thinking, she stood up, making Gail take a few steps back. "Holly?"
She took hold of Gail's face and kissed her. Gail jolted in surprised, but her arms wrapped themselves around Holly, pulling her closer until nothing but their clothes separated them. How long they kissed was lost on Holly. They only broke apart when Holly felt something wet along her face. She realized she was crying again.
Gail reached out and wiped her tears away. "Hey, lunchbox, no need for tears. I'm alright."
Holly gripped her face, making sure she couldn't look away. "Gail Peck, you are never allowed to die again, do you hear me? I cannot lose you. I'm so stupidly in love with you that if you die more than once I might just break in two."
Gail's smile was so wide that it radiated happiness like sunbeams. "Yes, ma'am. I'll do what I can."
She stroked Gail's face, making sure she memorized every feature, every freckle, every fleck in those bright blue eyes. "Can we…can we start over? Is that too crazy to think possible?"
Gail laughed. The sound sent shock waves through Holly. "Nerd, I came back from the dead. I think a long distance relationship doesn't even scratch the crazy surface this time."
Holly grinned, feeling the weight of all those regrets dissolve away. She leaned in to kiss her again, but Gail pulled back. "Just so you know: I'm so stupidly in love with you too. I never stopped."
"Good."
Their lips met and nothing in the world mattered. The Penny didn't matter. Toronto didn't matter. San Francisco didn't matter. They'd work it out. Because if Gail Peck's death and resurrection had taught Holly anything, it was that one seldom gets a second chance at love.