Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.
Hermione, Ginny, and Luna stood at the front table of the Great Hall, which now contained eight table instaid of four. The four extras contained Mary Sues of all colors and histories divided into houses called Sparklypoo, Bitchwitch, Tootsietramp, and Qanonreip, which had become a cliche in the parody world ever since some person put it on an internet quiz. "Ladies, as you know, we'll no longer be able to pull Sues from different time periods, and we can only have five people in our game show due to lack of funding," a glamourous-looking Hermione explained, her hair falling in soft, cascading waves. She had become rather well-developed over the summer and defied the laws of gravity by being slim, but not too skinny, and petite, but not too short. Luna and Ginny stood up, each looking equally stunning with a newly revealed tragic past of some sort, anf began to pick Sues for the show.
"You there," Hermione shouted serenely, pointing to a raven-haired and jade-eyed girl at the Qanonreip table, "Come on up and state your name!"
The girl looked absoulutely delighted. "I'm Zarita Potter, Harry's half sister," she stated, but Harry didn't pay attention to what she was saying, because he thought she was really hot.
Ginny gestured for a blue-haired, slim girl with huge breasts from the Sparklypoo table to come forward. "Hi, I'm Hentai Kisaragi, and I came from an anime universe," she excitedly explained.
Luna looked as though she had pointed to a girl on accident, for her brown hair didn't shine quite as brightly as the others' did, but she had several weapons in her belt. Unbeknowest to the young character, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, cleverly disguised as camera guys, had given her a pendant that gave off an aura of exctreme Sueishness, so there was no way in hell she could not get picked. The girl rose from the Bitchwitch table and said into the microphone, "I'm Minda MacKay, and I'm an author insert."
Ginny waved another girl onto the stage, with sun-colored beams of hair and eyes like the sky. "I'm Korista Smith, and I'm a Muggle who's been hiding in the air vents here for months," she said, coming forward from the Tootsietramp table.
Ginny raised an eyebrow. "We don't have air vents," she said, "And if you're a Muggle, how come you're in the school?"
"I have powers over the stupid laws of your universe," Korista answered, making everyone ooh and ahh appropriately. Hermione pointed at the last contestant, an ambitious young Bitchwitch with hair like a dying forest of oblivion in cute pigtails and eyes the color of garnets. Her skin was a gorgeous caramel tan and her cheeks were adorable rosy, and she had an inexplicaple, viewer-melting beauty.
"I am Kinachiana Riddle, and one day you will all bow before me." Everyone exchanged awkward glances, until Luna finally broke the silence.
"Alright ladies, move over here so our announcer guy can tell people more about you.
"Five Mary-Sues. One contest: to outsue the others in a series of five rigourous tests of Sueness. The stakes: one winner will gain eternal recognition and aquire a chance to be part of the Canon-Sue clique comprised of Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, and Ginny Weasley, while the losers are condemned to live the life of a well-balanced character. Now, MEET THE (beyond) LOVELY CONTESTANTS!"
Five Mary Sues walked into the view of the camera, flashing their lovely, sparkling eyes and shaking their stunning hair behind them Each of them rolled their eyes as a speech was made about them by the deep-voiced announcer, and one or two even made rude hand gestures and shouted curse words at him.
"Zarita Potter: does she need any other introduction? The long lost pureblood half-sister and female counterpart of Harry Potter, she hopes one day to help her brother and male counterpart fulfill that prophecy. She looks almost like Harry in every way, except she is female and a lot sexier. Many are envious of her bouncy and shining black hair, shocking green eyes, and petite yet proportionally curvy figure. Zarita has a wonderful personality and her hobbies include flirting, playing Quidditch (at shich she's the most excellent seeker in a million bajillion years), and hunting down dark forces. When asked why she will be victorious in this contest, she simply replied, 'Because good always triumphs over evil!'
"Kinachiana Riddle is a dark, mysterious girl with a questionable past. She is the daughter of Voldemort and his mistress Bellatrix Lestrange, and looks a lot like her mother. Her dark, sensual gaze grabs the attention of anyone around. Her hair is long and flowing with shades of chestnut and espresso, and is mainly worn in pigtails: one may describe her as "cute, but evil". Her specialties include manipulation and Unforgivable Curses, which she is very fond of. Mostly described as a Machiavellian-sue, she is also part vampire and part Veela for unexplainable reasons, and as tall as a typical Muggle supermodel. When asked why she would take home the gold, she says with a giggle, 'All those good Sues have got nothing on me--I'm evil, remember? And there was nothing in the contest rules against murder.'
"Korista Smith is your typical Muggle Sue, though obviously a lot prettier than your average Muggle. Her hair is pale blonde and cascading, with hints of sunshine lemon gold, and it would take several paragraphs to describe its true beauty. Her friends agree it looks remarkable in low braids, which she wears in front of her shoulders across her ample bosom. Her eyes are like a crystal fountain, constantly expressing the artistry of her soul, along with the things she does, including literature, poetry, songwriting, singing, and art.Her build is neither short nor tall, and she has a real thing for boys who are a tad heavy. Being a distant cousin of Dudley Dursley does that. When we asked her why she'd win, she said, 'Duh--the underdog always wins.'
"Hentai Kisaragi is an AU-sue coming to us from the world of Cutey Honey, as a relatively new brand of Mary Sue. She is the twin sister of the late Honey Kisaragi, whom the android Honey was modeled after. Hentai plays hockey for the Ontario Retarded Ducks. After being bested from every angle by Honey, Hentai is finally ready to claim her part in the Mary Sue world. Hentai's hair is blue and cascading, falling to her perfectly shaped bottom, which is usually covered in tight, black leather. Her eyes shine with the light of a thousand mirrors, and the currves of her face and body are more rounded than that of Honey's, but many would consider her more beautiful because of this. Hentai has the power of air alchemy, or the power to change into anything, just as a metemorphmagus does. She may look beautiful, but she's a real badass, which is sometimes sexy. The reason she'll sweep away the competition: 'I've overcome that worthless Honey, so I can face any competition!'
"Finally, we have Minda MacKay, the Cleverly Inserted Author Sue. She may not be as beautiful as the other Sues, but she has her own qualities that make up for her disadvantages. Her hair is short and chestnut brown, cut into a tomboy-ish style that makes her look like a Romulan. This in fact makes a lot of sense, because she is one half Romulan and one half Vietnamese. Her eyes are a dark brown shade, her eyebrows well defined, her skin a pale olive skimming over her short frame, which is somewhat flat, with very subtle breasts but a full booty. Though her beauty is questionable, she is well-trained in both piracy and ninja arts. Minda is brutally honest about herself and others, and can be hyper, random, and infuriated all at the same time. Her choice of love interest is very strange, including werewolves and poltergiests. Though she is somewhat behind the other sues, she has confidence she will beat them all: 'I'm writing this fic. There's no way I can lose!'"
Meanwhile, far, far away from Hogwarts and the Mary Sue Entertainment network personell, something sinister was afoot. "You know I am breaking the ultimate rule," Darth Vader told two women who kneeled before him, "With Lord Sidious dead, I should only take one apprentice Sith. Two of us, there are, always. But, you plead for an exception."
"Yeah, I'm tired of being Voldie's servant. The guy's all washed up! I'd rather work for you. Then I could finally rule the world," Bellatrix Lestrange explained with bitterness. She was hardly a natural Mary Sue, but Darth Vader was entranced by her all the same. He knew turning her sister down would make them both very upset.
"I just need to save my son," Narcissa pleaded. "Please, anything. I will do whatever you ask, my master."
Darth Vader narrowed his eyes beneath his mechanical mask. "I will train you both," he said, "And we will rule the world. But first, we need to aquire a source of raw magical power."
A/N: so there you have it, the Harry Potter Ultimate Sues. If you want to place bets on who will win or just tell me who your favorite Sue is, send a review!