A/N: This is just a silly little tale I wrote in answer to Nae'Ka's challenge to create a fan fiction story based off of one of the ways to annoy Jareth. This is not in any way a real depiction of any characters, and not meant to be slander … just some silly little fun story I decided to write because it sounded like fun. So, if you have any flames complaining about how this story is not realistic or what not, leave it. I don't care. This is a fun fantasy story meant to amuse … it was written mostly to amuse myself, but I decided to post it for others to seek amusement if they so desire. Enjoy:-D
It might not make sense to you at first. It'll seem like a stream of consciousness that someone just spit out. Well, in a way it is. Imagine that you have come across this young girl, say 17? Who has been stuck in an oubliette for a week… you would be a little crazy and would not be able to keep your thoughts straight too! Just, pretend that you are an audience. Every now and again you will inject a thought you did not know you spoke to her, and she will answer. Remember, this is supposed to be fun:-P
Oh, on a side note, I don't own any of the Underground, the Goblin King, nor Hoggle … if you decide to sue me, all you get is my college loans …
You know, the next time I piss off a Goblin King, it would be best to have an escape plan, or at least some way to escape his stupid banishing ire. You are probably wondering what I am talking about, eh? Well, I traveled to the Underground to a certain castle beyond the Goblin City to ask a question of one King of the Goblins … and he put me in this oubliette with no way to get out.
Okay, let me back track and start from the beginning. A week ago, I watched the Labyrinth for what, I believe, to be the hundredth time, when a crazy and completely insane thought hit me … Hoggle and the King? Oh, I died laughing, just thinking about it. Then another thought came, what I had thought to be a brilliant idea at the time, which turned out to be rather … stupid. I decided to go to the Underground to ask him, or confront him with the evidence that he was in fact in love with Hoggle and was just denying the truth! …
Okay, so I got ahead of myself. I had no evidence. But I was bored and I decided I had nothing better to do than annoy a Goblin King and get some laughs. But first! I had to get on a cool outfit. I mean, I cannot possibly go see a king, even if it is a silly little king of the goblins in pajamas, now can I? No. So, brilliant me decided on a short black skirt, red blouse, and heels. Yes, I wore the bloody heels! … I'm still kicking myself for wearing heels and not tennis shoes. Those would have been much better for running and fleeing. But, I digress.
So, in this cute little outfit I set out to the park to find the entrance to the Underground! I had always thought it was be so awesome to find this secret gate that only true believers could see! It would be huge, made of ivory stone and have a purple swirl vortex that would put you anywhere in the Underground you so desired. Talk about a naive, simple, stupid thought. Almost has stupid as going to the Goblin King with the intent to annoy without any sort of "Flee for My Life" plan. But, again, I digress.
The "gate" was nothing but a hole in the ground. This, as it turns out, was created by some lower beings of the Underground who wanted to come and cause their usual mischief. It seems that their usual way of getting topside was blocked by some new mall or parking lot, or maybe it was a combination of the two. Don't ask me how I found this out, I'm the author of this little scrap story, so what if I decided to be omnipotent? I need to make up for some of my stupid decisions somehow!
Hrm, anyway… back to the real story. This little hole in the ground was rather small. It took me about ten minutes to squeeze my way through. By the time I was actually through there, I was in need of a bath and a change of clothes. Wearing that cute little outfit was definitely not one of my brighter ideas. My favorite red blouse had a tear in one of the sleeves! I should wheedle the Goblin King to make me another … yes; I shall do that once I get out of here …
Sorry, I cannot seem to keep my thoughts on the story at hand. I don't think you would either if you were stuck in here … though, what are you doing down here anyway? Did you too bug him with some silly stupid question that would give only make you laugh? Well, no matter. Don't tell me yet, I'm still talking. I like the lime light, stop trying to take it!
Huh. Back to the task at hand. I ended up on the far outskirts of the Goblin Kingdom. I had expected the king to come himself to see me! I mean, really, it is not every day that a young girl will come to his Labyrinth, right? Oh wait, well, he probably gets lots of girls throwing themselves at him since that movie, and all he wants is Hoggle. Oh, he denies it, but he does! … But again, I digress.
So, I end up having to walk a little bit. It was a long walk, let me tell you! Especially in these two-inch heels. Yes, yes, again, not a smart idea. But, I was not thinking clearly. My feet were killing me! I had blisters on my heels and on my big toe. Needless to say, I took my shoes off. But the ground was hot because it was summer, and the sun had baked the blasted road! So I hastily put my shoes back on.
What do you mean by asking what that has to do with anything? It has to do with everything! Just let me finish talking! Yeesh! Anyway, with the whole shoe fiasco and now that the bottom of my feet were partially burned, I decided to try calling on the King of the Goblins. So, I screamed real loud at the top of my lungs "Goblin King! I wish you were here right now!"
And …. Noting happened. How stupid was that? I mean, if Sarah could do it, why couldn't I? Oh wait, he gave certain powers to her because he mistakenly thought he was in love with her… Anyway, I was angered by him not coming so I kicked over this mushroom thing, and then he was there!
"What the devil are you doing here?" he asked me, in a rather surely tone, I might add!
"Hi, Goblin King!" I exclaimed. I was so happy that he had come. Although, not that I think about it, it was probably because I was destroying his scenery in my justified temper tantrum! "I am here to ask you a question and to help bring to light your inner feeling!"
At first, he only stared at me… it was kind of creepy because he never blinked. He seemed to be astounded by what I had said. Then he said, "Please tell me you are not another little twit that came here to throw yourself at my mercy, claiming to be madly in love with me?"
Now it was my turn to look at him funny! Only, I couldn't really pull it off quite like him. He could go without blinking quite a bit longer than I could … curse those Fae! "Oookkkaaayyy, I am not some little twit that came here to throw myself at your mercy, claiming to be madly in love with you." I paused a minute, letting that sink it before adding "You are full of yourself, aren't you?"
Oh boy! You should have seen his face! It was priceless! I don't think anyone had ever said that to him before! He was not happy to hear it! "How dare you!" he squeaked it! I kid you not, he squeaked it out! It was rather cute … of course; I burst out laughing, which only made him angrier. You know how some people are extremely sexy when they are angry? Oh, no, not this guy! He just looks funny! With his hair all wild and standing on end, his face all red and splotchy with his heart rate going up and so tense from trying not to strangle me.
I knew now was the perfect time to smack him with the question. "So, how long have you been in love with Hoggle? And do you ever plan on acting on it? Or are you going to keep pretending to be in love with Sarah because you are too cowardly to face your actual self and the probably very degrading remarks that will come at you from all sides? Or is it that you are terrified that Hoggle will refuse you? Or what about –"he didn't let me finish … so what if it was more than one question! Once I started asking, I couldn't stop. They just kept coming … until of course the poor guy exploded!
I was not looking him as I asked the questions. If I had, I would have stopped at question one. Because he face was getting redder and redder as I continued … he was positively shaking with rage by the time he screamed "I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HOGBRAINS!" He seemed to calm down a little after saying that.
I blinked at him a couple of times. "Well, I should hope not … that would be a little more slutty than you actually look. I asked if you were in love with Hoggle."
Oh, there goes the red face and the tense muscles again! Through gritted teeth and bit out "I am not in love with Hoggle."
I blinked at him again. "Why are you denying it? I mean, it is obvious that you are. With all that you do to the poor little dwarf. It is no secret to anyone that you want to be with Hoggle!"
The Goblin King, by this time, was so tense; I swear I thought he was going to burst. Now, would have been a great time to start running, but no, like some stupid lamb to slaughter I stood there, harping at him about hiding his true feelings. I did a total Dr, Phil rant at him … really bad idea. I totally just disregarded him and what he was doing. I just kept talking and talking and talking!
"I just really don't understand why you don't come clean with yourself! It is not good at all, especially for someone your age. I mean, maybe if you would stop dressing like a man trying to be a slut, Hoggle would take notice of you, and you would not have to worry so much about having him in your life has your lover. Maybe you two could be secret lovers! I mean we could totally all three get together and try to work something out so that you could stay in the bog, so to speak. On the top side, it is known as being in the closet, meaning you do not tell anyone …"
It was at this point, after I had gone on for more than 30 minutes that I found myself in this place. So, even though I wore the heels, I gave no thought to running … I just stood there talking. But I think I may have gotten the idea across to him … he does have a lot of patience, doesn't he? I wonder when he'll let me out of here, I mean; it is not really fair to keep me here this long. I wonder if he forgot about me ….
Blessedly, the Goblin King took pity on your poor ears from having to listen to the girl that he transported you home to your bed. Now, the Goblin King has a worse form of punishment than the bog … he has Talking Cathy who never shuts up. He'll just put the person who offends him in the oubliette with her for a couple of hours. No doubt, that'll teach them real quick.
I hope you enjoyed that little story … Cathy was a rather vain, talkative little twit, wasn't she? I feel bad for whoever the Goblin King does send to her. You know what I heard? I heard that some of the goblins asked to be drowned in the Bog than to spend even 10 minutes with her … interesting, isn't it?
A/N: Somehow, the story morphed into that ending there. I don't know how … it just happened. I had a lot of fun writing this… so it is probably more amusing to me than it is to you, but I do hope you enjoyed parts of it. I have never tried my hand at any sort of fan fiction… my very first try …once again, hope you enjoyed it!