Title: One Big Cracked-Up unHappy Family

Author: iP

Summary: A nonsensical, plotless story of the one-big-cracked-up-happy(?) family of our four main Death Note characters: the three detectives and Kira. What family could be happier?

A.N.: That's what DN characters get when I eat chocolate pudding, ate all of my chocolate pudding, have insomnia, AND have no personal computer to myself. YES, THEY'RE MARRIED. XP. And they have children wtf. XDDD;

It was a perfect, sunny, spring day; all the birds were twittering incessantly as it hovered across the blue sky patched with fluffy white clouds. A rainbow could be seen nearby, and under it a park where lots of couples with their children strolled around did nothing but sit lazily under the warm morning sun. Some were heard shouting as they opt to find the gold-filled pot at the end of the rainbow. A few bade their time, doing something which shouldn't be elaborated about. On another side of the park, a river lay with the river's gate sign labeled as 'boats-for-rent'. It was all and well that day, except for one big mansion just beside the park.

"WHERE'S MY COAT?!?"

Stomping, an annoyed Raito Yagami bustled and shouted over the kitchen while he struggled to put on his red polo shirt. "L, where have you placed my coat?" He asked in a now more calmed tone, since he cannot shout in a more aggravated manner at the same time as he tried to flatten his messed-up hair with the comb on the kitchen table.

Atop the table, L watched him dress as he twiddled his toes and bit his thumbs. The raven-haired lad was sitting in a very awkward position, yet he didn't seem to care at all; instead, he fixed his wide black eyes on the person before him. He had a small, eerie smile with him, though, as he continued to stare hungrily at the well-defined body of his companion.

"My coat." Raito commanded with a very big air of superiority over the other, his arms folded and chin stuck up in a defined manner. No, he did not like to be kept waiting, much less ignored. Especially by this person. Besides, he had given up patience a long, long time ago. "I need it, L. My coat."

L was now investigating a piece of paper stuck on Raito's button-up shirt. Gingerly—like he always did, he scooped it up in his hands like it was a small, fragile bird on the brink of death.

Raito was just about to protest when L's naturally expressionless eyes narrowed at him and thrust the small sheet in front of his face. Blankly he stared at it, then ogled, until he got peeved and frustrated mainly because L was glaring at him, and partly because he was still half-naked, and the silky material of his crimson clothing clung to his body in a weird sort of way, which means that he's not properly dressed yet. He considered answering but then decided against it; he wanted to get away from the house as soon as he possible.

Defiantly L maintained his stare, firm and steady as it was before, and then his lips parted for a brief moment, Raito definitely saw that; but then he regained his countenance and forced a pout, which was tugging itself endearingly on his thin, pale lips.

Shrugging, Raito snatched the forsaken paper back and carefully tucked it in his pants' pocket. "What do we have for breakfast, L?" He asked, hoping to digress. "And, my coat. You've nearly made me forget about my coat. I need my coat." He felt like a tape recorder by now.

Not an inch did L move. He just stood there, feeling the smooth table under his feet, and sniffed Raito with his finely-cut pale nose, sniffed Raito as if he were a piece of chocolate, or coffee, not that it mattered anyway; and he let Raito take in the shock, let him take the shock while he continued to smell cappuccino and get intoxicated with the caffeine that mixed with the faintest trace of blood, though he didn't know why. All he knew was that he was getting too drowned in smelling the student's fragrance, and quite exquisitely was that smell too. Still sniffing the other, L subconsciously inched closer to him, and was now on the luxury of smelling Raito with his nose placed perfectly on Raito's dusky right nipple. Raito knew what was coming, but couldn't force himself to draw back since within the hearts of his hearts—or his hormones—he liked it too.

"What, getting on with it this early?" A bored and somewhat disgusted voice joined the room, and Raito's head immediately turned a bit as he wanted to see who interrupted his rants and… well.

Mello grunted and gave a what-the-fuck-is-it-that-you're-doing-again?! look at the two while he grabbed a glass from the sink and filled it with water from the pitcher lying on the table. Like most of the days, he wore THE gothic look, leather pants and all, thinking it would fit him. Then he heard a snort behind him, and found Near smirking at him with those malicious eyes of his. Instantly his anger flared up but even before he could speak, Near promptly cut him.

"It's not like you're straight or something," Near remarked with sheer mirth in his eyes and he just had to laugh. Mello was being stupid. Again.

"But not in front of us, no." Mello placed his hands on his hips and felt the smooth material of leather on his palms. Near raised an eyebrow. Then he smugly took a step forward, and was behind the leather-clad lad now.

"No?" He gave the other's butt a little squeeze.

"WHA—? OW!" Yelping, Mello removed Near's hand from his pinched behind and gave him a wry glare. Near licked his lips tantalizingly at him and he felt himself redden at such an act.

"Kids," Raito spoke matter-of-factly as if nothing happened right in front of his eyes just now. Ushering them to go away, he ordered them to do their task. "…Stop it. We're having breakfast, so prepare the table."

"Shut up, Kira." Mello spat.

Raito leered at him with a maniacal glint in his eyes that was very hard for the other not to miss. Especially when it was directed at him, oh no. "Now, go and behave like your dear little brother over there, and go arrange the table. You should follow now, I suggest; it'll be harder for all of us if you disrespect me, since after all, I am the father of this household."

The two boys glanced helplessly at L, who was still sniffing the 'exclusively yours, Raito' fragrance. Near gave a dismissive sigh and Mello was meeping. Yes, meeping. It was really hard for them when Raito—Kira, rather—became in charge of the household. Before, L used to be the father in this lunatic family but one day, something changed and they were all at Raito's mercy. L's treatment was better, though it wasn't really hard to wonder why.

Grudgingly Mello agreed and headed off where his brother was, but not before muttering a thousand strings of curses he could think of under his breath. Raito just smiled sardonically at this, and then he felt something quite… nice on his body. Particularly, his nipple. He sighed wistfully as he felt L's tongue expertly lick him, and when he sighed again in contentment the two boys immediately stiffened. Mello slowly wheeled around and dropped his jaw in shock.

"L! Don't… do that awful thing! It's scaring the shit out of us—" Mello started as he heard the loud crashing of glass Near was holding.

Raito triumphantly grinned at him as he melted with pleasure in L's treatment. "Just go and continue what you're doing, go ahead and fix the table. Let L stay here for a while and do his thing."

"But—b-but—" Mello stammered, pointing incredulously at the act.

Groaning, Raito raked a hand over L's dark locks before replying, "You see, L has an oral… fixation. He likes to indulge his mouth in something; usually—lollipops or candies or cakes or ice cream, the works. However, he must've swallowed the fridge whole, and it just happened that my nipple was there, at the right place and at the right time."

Near was shaking violently now, and his shoulders gave a depressing sag, which must've meant he lost all sanity that he had; and Mello was making gagged sounds. How unfortunate of them.

Meanwhile, L didn't make an effort or whatsoever to stop even though he wanted to protest—damn Raito and his teasing nipples, just waiting to be eaten whole—because he didn't really swallow the fridge in its entirety, mind you. However, it would be more disappointing if he actually stopped, and he was too busy to boot. At this time, Mello was near to barfing and Near close to being forever scarred for life, so they spun around and prayed to whoever is up there that the two stopped now.

They were in luck.

Raito pulled away and pushed L in such a forced manner that the latter tumbled and made a noise between a squeak and a grunt.

Oh how he loved to tease.

The two smaller boys had to look back. Damn reflexes.

"Ah, well." Raito smiled at the three of them his best smug and casual indifference of a smile, and then proceeded to arrange and smoothen out the creases on his clothing—how did L manage to do that, anyway?—while the others stared at him; two with revolted glares, and one lust-filled stare and a sprinkle of mirth to boot. He glanced at them again and said with a very haughty voice, "What do we have for breakfast?"

Still fuming, Mello shoved a humongous size of the chocolate cake in his mouth while he continued to stare at Raito and L wryly, thinking that one would jump the other any time now. He looked beside him and saw his… supposed-to-be brother. Near was busy playing with his food, as always. Then Near caught him staring. And smiled. And winked. And licked his lips. And darted out his tongue. And…

Mello's brain suffered from bleeding. As well as the other parts in his body.

"Kids." Raito reprimanded at the two and Mello really wanted to cut his head off. Badly. "You should eat and not play games; you still have school to attend." There. Kira was talking in his matter-of-factly manner again, and the blond assumed he was in his crazy god mode. Then the brunet turned to face L as he stared at the food in front of him with a frustrated look.

"Agh, cake again? I swear I'll get toothaches and all…"

L bit his lip. "You don't like it?"

No, not again… Mello thought, infuriated. When L got into his cute-adorable-lovable look, it meant that Raito could not—and would not—resist. Which meant more eyebleed for the two… well, children.

Noticing the heated glare from Mello, Raito coughed and said, "Mello, Near… I was wondering—I meant we were wondering—" he grimaced when L nudged him sharply in the ribs, "—how your school life is going. I mean, it's not hard right? You can get along well with others—"

Scoffing, Near delicately sliced the cake with his knife using only his forefinger and thumb. "Get along well with others. That's big, coming from an insane psychopath like you, Kira." He repeated with a biting sarcasm in his quiet remark. He waited for the furious 'I-am-a-god-and-not-an-insane-psychopath!' scathing retort from Raito, but it didn't happen. Mello, on the other hand, simply didn't care.

"Just great." Mello helped himself to another slicing of the chocolate-caramel cake and even dipped his finger for an addition of chocolate icing. Near gave him a cold glance but did not bother to speak out loud. He knew Mello was being sarcastic too.

"Good," L spoke quite cheerfully which was the first time they ever heard him speak that day. "Now why don't you eat that all, hm?" He asked while giving them his trademark eerie smile. "Raito, why did you not buy chocolates yesterday again, I might ask?"

Beside Mello, Near remarked, "He wants to make our lives a misery, so what else is new?"

"Near." L enunciated the word with such authority that the white-haired boy didn't try to speak up once more. "Raito, as I was saying?"

Raito gulped. "Well, we don't have enough money for sweets—" he choked on his own voice when L put on his trademark expressionless stare. "—I mean, I was going to buy but I forgot it, so…"

"You'll buy later, right?" Everyone could hear the fake sweet voice.

Raito dodged a look to his left, then upwards—great. No one was to help him. "…Right," he smiled sheepishly as he tugged on his necktie, feeling it to be a little on the tight side.

"Thank you." L knelt on the wooden dining chair he was sitting on and placed a peck on Raito's lips. Raito turned sideways to face him and gave a naughty smile.

"I think I'd rather have you somewhere, and you should wear something other than that," he pointedly looked at the railroad-train pajamas L was currently wearing. Ignoring the younger two purposely, he stood up, cradled the black-haired lad in his arms, and went off the room, headed for their bedroom.

The two boys stared at them for a minute then resumed eating.

"Life," Mello mumbled as he shoved yet another helping directly to his mouth.

"Nuts," Near muttered under his breath.

A.N. OHGOD. LOL. First DN chapter fic, so again… Um. No flames, please! TT; I wouldn't want any of the sort, and if you even dare I shall use it to burn your favorite character at the stakes. Yes you heard it right. XP. And ugh, I still need to continue my RaitoL fic entitled the cake… something. XP. Gah. Random: Raito you are so hot, marry L! Lol, I should stop now.

As always, reviews are deeply much appreciated. Thank you!