Subspace: The Crackplot of Doom
by Lady Zhaniel
A/N: This is what happens when you get two hyper fan girls hooked on Super Smash Bros. Brawl. This takes place after the Subspace Emissary adventure, and for the purposes of this story (and its sequel, Don't Drink the Water), the Brawl "tournament" takes place in a location called the Subspace Resort. If you're familiar with Don't Drink the Water, this is how it all got started. The prose may feel slightly disjointed; this is because we originally wrote the story in script form, role-playing out the different scenes via AIM, and then modified it so as not to violate any of FFN's rules regarding script stories.
Chapter One: A Royal Mess
It was perhaps a week after the resolution of the peculiar incident involving Tabuu and the imprisonment of the entire fighting roster. The villains who had aided Tabuu in his bizarre goals were exiled from the Resort proper, only allowed in for scheduled battles, because even Master Hand had his limits.
Princess Zelda was sitting in a nice, sunny spot in the Resort's central gardens, at one of the quaint stone tables, where she was enjoying afternoon tea with Marth, the Prince of Altea. The two young royals had, since their arrival, developed a friendly rapport, though Zelda cheerfully ignored any attempts of Marth's to maneuver the conversation into the realm of flirting. Finding himself stonewalled in this regard, he instead tried to impress her by describing what he endured to reunite his scattered kingdom. He needed to find a queen, after all, and he reasoned that joining the realms of Hyrule and Altea could be very advantageous. Besides, speaking realistically, the girl was a beauty and very sweet.
"...and after that battle," he said, "I really began to feel like we had a chance."
Zelda nodded. "I can't say I can exactly relate to what you went through, but I do know how it is to fight personally for the future of your kingdom. It sounds like you were a very effective leader."
"Thank you." He reached for her teacup to refill it. "I'm sure you would have done at least as much, in my position."
Meanwhile, Link was taking a walk, to stretch his legs. He'd just had a long, satisfying sparring session, but his leg muscles were a bit sore from the constant dodging and platform-jumping. His hair was a mess, and he was sweaty and a bit dirty from all the roughhousing. The notorious green tunic was folded across one arm, and as he walked he fanned himself with the wide opening of his floppy cap, which, for once, is not sitting on his head. A cozy alcove of the garden caught his eye, and he spotted the two occupants at a small table and bench. Zelda! And... who's that guy sitting with her? His eyes narrowed, a trifle suspicious, and he stole closer to try to get a better view of exactly who was spending the afternoon with his Princess.
Unaware of their audience, Marth handed Zelda her cup. "So...where was I?"
"You were 'starting to feel like you had a chance'." She accepted the tea and smiled, then took a sip and waited for him to resume the story. Marth's smile was warm as he began to speak again.
Link couldn't see Marth too clearly from the angle at which he was observing, but he could see Zelda well enough, and to one who had no idea what the conversation was about, she looked entirely too interested for his liking. He thought he had a chance at WHAT, exactly? the Hero wondered, fuming silently.
While usually calm and easy-going, there were a few things about which Link tended to be rather possessive -- his gear, his village, the safety of his friends, and Zelda. Especially Zelda. It had only gotten worse since the business with Tabuu, particularly the part when he had nearly mauled Mario -- one of his best friends in this place -- because he'd gotten the mistaken idea that Mario had killed Zelda. Mario had forgiven him easily, understanding that Link had been half-mad with grief, but that terrifying little incident had only spurred him to become even more overprotective and, yes, possessive than he had ever been. So the idea of some random guy coming onto Zelda was downright infuriating. Grinding his teeth, he was just about to go and see who the joker in question was when Zelda moved a bit, and he could suddenly see that the "joker" was Marth. Prince Marth, more precisely. Chagrined, he quickly altered his direction and ducked behind a nearby column. Righteous anger was all well and good, but not if it might lead to an international scandal.
Zelda, for her part, was completely oblivious to Link's presence, largely because she was genuinely interested in Marth's story. Not Marth himself, at least not romantically, but she found the story very engaging. "But, then, when did you and Ike join forces?"
Why is she leaning toward him like that? Link wondered. And why is he smiling so much? His heart began to thump loudly, and his back itched as cold sweat began to run down his battle-heated body. There was nothing about this situation that he was enjoying.
"Ah, Ike's story comes later -- after mine." Marth smiled charmingly, and started to resume explaining the complicated battle plan. Before he got very far, however, Ike himself put in an appearance; on his way back from a fight, he spotted the royals, and approached, bowing respectfully.
"Your Highnesses," he said, eyes lingering on Zelda.
"Oh, speak of the devil!" Marth looked faintly annoyed by the interruption; Ike was a good friend, but still.
"I trust you're not wearying the lady with battle stories, my Prince?"
"Regaling, perhaps," Zelda interceded with a chuckle, "but not wearying. I have seen battle in my time, and I find it refreshing to hear similar tales from someone else's perspective. Your world has endured quite a lot."
What the hell? Now there's two of them! Link thought, exasperated. And she's giggling! He peeked farther around the edge of the column, and noticed with irritation that Ike was wearing his sword -- his long, huge, golden sword, with the wide, rounded tip. He gave a small, bitter snarl. That thing is just overcompensating. It has to be.
A new observer strolled into the vicinity and paused to take in the unfolding scene. Samus watched as Zelda bore the fawning of two handsome young men, while a third watched from a stealthy vantage point. And his clothes, she noted, were not the only things on him that were green. Given that he was one of the two men who aroused Samus's own interest, she mused that this might provide her with an opportunity such as she'd been wanting. She waited, therefore, and continued to watch.
It was, to be honest, sort of funny. Marth resumed telling his story, his full focus on Zelda. Ike, ever the polite and noble swordsman, was too well-bred to interrupt, but made no secret of the fact that he, too, was watching the Princess; he might not be a Prince, might not have much of a chance, but people have eyes for a reason. Zelda, for her part, was just too nice to say that she was feeling a touch crowded, and that she wished Link would show up and finally make it plain to everyone just whose affections she really wanted. She had no idea that Link was absolutely glued to the column which hid him, his body pressed flat against the marble, eyes peering just past the pillar's edge. The hand which held his tunic was fisted, sandwiched between himself and the column, while the other hand clenched his hat in a stranglehold. As Samus moved a bit closer, she heard him utter a low growl, and watched his body tense as he rose up on tiptoe in order to try to scope a better view.
He may not be enjoying the view, she thought, amused, but I am.
Genuinely a bit rattled by all the attention, Zelda added a bit more sugar to her teacup, and accidentally dropped the spoon. While Link watched, clutching his hat so furiously it might be expected to scream, Ike and Marth promptly got into a minor tussle, trying to be the one to give it back to her. Before either one could get his uncoordinated, slow-moving body to cooperate, however, a much swifter blue blur zoomed in and smoothly scooped up the little silver piece of cutlery. With a winning smile, Sonic the Hedgehog suavely handed the spoon to the Princess. "Here you are, Highness."
Zelda gave a musical peal of laughter, accepting the offering. "Thank you, Sonic! That was very clever."
In spite of himself, Link snickered, hearing this. Well, at least that's one guy I'll never have to worry about! The other two, however, still had him ready to murder something.
As Sonic zipped away again, Zelda smiled at Marth and Ike. "Thank you both, anyway. Now, Marth, would you please finish your story? I'm curious to hear the end of it."
A flash of triumph lit Marth's handsome features, to Link's chagrin; she was interested in what he had to say. "Of course!" he replied, continuing the narrative; Link's shoulders slumped in defeat. The Prince wraps up the story with surprising humility, concluding, "And that's...it, really. Ike can tell you more about what happened after that, since he comes from a later generation than I do."
Zelda applauded politely. "A most engaging history! And you tell it very well -- have you considered writing your memoirs? The people of Altea would certainly find it instructive."
Link sighed, casting a dejected look in Marth's direction. "Just had to be royalty, didn't you?" he muttered. For the first time, he noticed his hand was cramping from the grip on his hat, and he forcibly pried his fingers loose, shaking them to restore circulation. As he did, he took a good look at his own appearance -- the ancient green tunic that wasn't even really his own, the equally ancient floppy cap now hopelessly wrinkled from his clutch, the scuffed boots. The shirt, he was certain, had once been white; now it could barely pass for ivory or cream, stained with sweat and dirt, the lacings at the collar undone. And I never can get my bangs to lie down properly...man, I'm such a mess. He glanced again toward the garden, where his resplendent Princess sat serenely beside Marth, the High Muckin' Muckety-Muck Prince of Altea, in his pristine blue tunic, with the dashing long cape and perfect hair and crown. Even his drinking buddy (or whatever Ike is, he thought) had a certain dramatic "cool" factor, with the torn cape and headband, to say nothing of that sword. Ears sagging hopelessly, Link turned to leave before his ego could sink much farther; as it was, it was somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach, aiming for his boots.
"Hey, Link."
He whipped around, fists lifting as he went automatically into a fighting stance, only to see one very amused bounty hunter. "Relax, tough guy!" she said, chuckling. "It's just me, and this isn't the arena."
Link blushed, embarrassed to have been ready to attack an ally, and lowered his hands. "Oh, sorry! Just wasn't expecting anyone...heh, guess I had my head in the clouds!" Timidly he scratched at the back of his head, then realized he was still holding his hat and just how silly that must look. Awkwardly he stuffed the hat through his belt. "I'm really sorry." He offers her a short bow, face pink.
"No problem. I, uh, I see Princess Zelda's otherwise… engaged?" Samus, who had been leaning against another nearby column, unfolded her arms and moved toward him. "So, since you're not busy, you know, protecting Her Worship, I thought maybe you'd like to go for a walk or something."
"Huh? Me?" He cocked his head and pointed at himself, adorably confused.
Samus grinned. "You see any other cute guys around here I could be talking to?"
Now seriously taken aback, Link blinked rapidly. "Cute? Me?" He pointed at himself again, smiling incredulously. "Heh! You have a strange sense of humor! That, or you haven't noticed the two wanna-be Prince Charmings back there." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder, toward the garden where Marth and Ike were still fawning over Zelda, his face making a slightly sour expression.
"I'm not as swayed by that kind of thing as...some people apparently are." She moved to stand next to him. "I like a man who's not afraid to get his hands dirty."
Link gulped, eyes darting around nervously. Is she really talking about ME?! Smiling nervously, he decided to play along, to test the theory. "That so? Well, I suppose this means I count, then, huh?" He indicated a particularly bad dirt smudge near the hem of his long shirt, and another on his sleeve. When she smilds more broadly, his feet shifted a little restlessly. This is very confusing, and unexpected. One moment, he was smacking himself over the head because the object of his devotion -- who kept giving him conflicting messages about her own feelings toward him -- appeared to be flirting with at least one of two VERY handsome, wealthy men, and now... here was this other beautiful woman, whom he barely knew, making what appeared to be a very OVERT pass at him. And it's not as though he could fail to notice, as his gaze flicked over Samus, that her Zero Suit didn't exactly leave much to the imagination.
"Yes, you very much do count." Samus grinned, noting his brief visual scan. Having a pretty good idea of what it meant, she took a deep breath -- which made her bust seem fuller -- while slightly shifting so that her back and hips were more arched. Link's swallow was quite audible. "So...about that walk?"
Zelda, at this very moment, happened to glance backward over her shoulder, and did one massive double-take at the sight of her beloved Hero staring wide-eyed at a certain beautiful bounty hunter, who clearly seemed to be making a move on him. She started fuming, although she tried not to show it because she didn't wish to be rude to Marth and Ike. Apparently, her hard-to-get strategy was backfiring, big time. She wasn't sure what to do, short of transforming into Sheik and attempting to take out the competition.
In case this scene wasn't already fairly ludicrous, Solid Snake chose this instant to pass in their direction while taking a walk of his own. He grinned, catching sight of the Princess who had given him such a run for his money during their battle a few days previously. A great match -- her magically-powered punches had hurt like hell. Rose with thorns indeed...well, I always did like 'em dangerous. He smirked, noting the pretty boys flanking her and making her rather visibly uncomfortable. She seemed to want a rescue, so he decided to oblige. Confidently, he strolled over, insinuating himself smoothly between Ike and Zelda, and leaned casually against the small table, smiling at her. "Princess, how've you been? I was just thinking of how much fun we had, a couple days ago, and here you are!"
"Good afternoon, Snake," she replied, her voice a bit strained. She was trying to keep an eye on Link. "I'm, er, pleased that you found our combat so...invigorating. Link, please get over here...and away from her!
As though he heard her thoughts, Link turned toward the garden, only to do a double-take when Snake sauntered over and made himself at home. Oh, hell no, another one? He gritted his teeth and turned back to Samus; after all, he wouldn't wish to be rude to an expectant companion. Also, she's hot. And seems interested. And isn't playing games with his heartstrings. Determined, he looked her in the eye and nodded. "I think a walk would be very nice. Clear the head, so to speak."
She looked very pleased, taking his arm. "I think your Princess can hold her own for a while." Smiling, she started to lead him away from the scene.
Zelda glanced back again, in time to see the pair walking away. Arm in arm. What in the name of Nayru is going on around here?! Not wanting to be inconsiderate of her current companions, but deeply agitated, she whipped back around, and promptly stood. "Gentlemen...this has been a pleasant gathering...but I need to bid you good afternoon. I, er, lost track of time, and...I need to meet with someone. Please excuse me!" The men parted, reluctantly allowing the lady her freedom, and with a polite smile she made her way calmly in the direction that Samus and Link were taking. As soon as she was out of anyone's line of sight, she transformed into Sheik and began to use her ninja skills to shadow the pair soundlessly.
Time to find out just what this intergalactic beauty wants with my Hero.
If asked, Samus would have responded that it was sort of obvious what she wanted with Link. But she was more interested in the stroll, taking in the sights of the elegant architecture, the sculptural décor, manicured gardens… and the handsome man walking beside her. "This is a really nice place. I mean, for being what it is. I'm starting to get just a little homesick, though... how about you?"
"Hm?" Link's mind was still somewhat preoccupied, but he shook his head a little. "Oh. Yeah, a little." He did miss his home, but he really didn't want to start talking about how he didn't miss a certain clingy, doe-eyed, short-haired blond female, or a prepubescent little-miss-stalker with airs of self-importance. Instead, he told Samus about the forest. "The trees of my villages are ancient, and massive, and the springs are of breath-taking beauty and clarity. It's a peaceful, wonderful place to live. What about you? Do you live in your ship, or is there somewhere that you go to, at the end of the day?"
"Pretty much in my ship. Still, though, living on the ship IS amazing -- the whole universe is open to me! But I do like to go home now and then to see the Chozo -- that's the species that raised me -- or make a pit-stop at whatever other interesting planet is nearby." She grinned. "If you think you might tire of being in the same place all the time, maybe you should come with me. Tour other worlds?"
Zelda (or Sheik if you prefer) thought her heart might have stopped, arriving as she did just in time to hear this offer. Oh, no she didn't...oh, yes she did! And what if he wanted to go? She couldn't in good conscience forbid it, not if it was what he really wanted. They seemed to be pausing, so she stole as close as she dared and listened intently.
Link smiled. "I might like that, someday. I've never seen Space. But really, I don't know how you can stand to live in such a small area! Back home, I don't even close the windows of my tree-house -- I like to feel the breeze, and smell the scents it brings me: the plants, the animals. Hear the sounds that waft in. Feel the passing of the day and the seasons. I feel claustrophobic, otherwise. Don't you get restless, when you know it'll be days, or weeks, before you can set foot outside your ship and feel the land around you?"
Samus shrugged. "The ship's loaded with an artificial intelligence system and holographic projectors. It can simulate that sort of thing for me, if I decide I want it. And yeah, consider that a standing offer..." Dryly, she added, "That is, if you think Hyrule can spare you. I know you're Zelda's protector and everything."
"Uh... I was," Link clarified. "Hyrule... and Zelda... haven't exactly had much use for me, of late." Realizing just how bad he was making things sound, he hurried on. "It's a good thing! Don't get me wrong. It's good that I'm not needed, because it means that things are relatively at peace and, well, Hyrule's seen enough troubles to last a few generations, I think. As for defending Zelda, well… you've seen for yourself that she's pretty much able to take care of herself, at least against most threats… I'm just the Sword Wielder, really... " His expression and tone turned dejected, and he glanced away.
Zelda, from her vantage point, felt her heart sink in shock. He thinks I don't need him...when he's the one thing in the world I really do need.
Determined not to depress his companion, Link gave himself a shake, lifted his head, and shifted to a more cheerful topic. "Anyway, tell me more about your ship! Does anyone else travel with you? Can you communicate with others without waiting for days or hours for the message to get through? What do you do for fun, anyway? How do you pass the time, without going stir crazy, aboard a tiny vessel -- albeit, a sentient one? Does it talk to you?"
:Well, to answer your first question -- no, I'm all by my lonesome out there. So you can imagine that passing the time is a little...difficult, sometimes." Samus rolled her eyes flirtatiously. "After my four hundredth game of interstellar Scrabble with the artificial intelligence, I started thinking seriously about finding someone to travel with me." With an expectant glance, she added, "If your kingdom's in such a safe state, maybe you should consider it... Zelda didn't exactly look like she was hurting for companionship, after all -- which I kind of am..."
"Well..." Even if he did just say basically the same thing himself, it still stung to hear the truth flung at him. "I mean, not saying no, because I appreciate the offer, but... I'm not much good with board games, and I don't usually say much. Plus, I kinda have a lot of restless energy, so... what else is there to do on a ship? And a pretty... compact one, too, if I remember correctly. I don't even think there's any room to play catch, or do much sparring in there, so, wouldn't you get bored of traveling with me pretty quick, too?"
"Oh, I'm sure we could find something to do," Samus replied slyly, sliding her hand down his arm to play with the cuff of his sleeve. In the shadows, Zelda came to the official decision that she wanted this woman's head on a platter.
Her oblivious beloved, however, blinked as he tried to ferret out the bounty hunter's meaning -- then spluttered when it finally hit home. "Y-you…! Wow. Really?! Wow... You have no idea how flattering this whole thing is, really…! Having someone be straightforward with me over something like this... A-and you are beautiful! Don't think I don't notice that! I, eh... Wow. I've just never been in this particular situation, before... Heh!" He grinned, embarrassed.
Not that he knew it, but his words took all the fight out of Zelda. He thinks she's beautiful...she's very overt with her flirtations...he doesn't want me after all. She leaned agains the tree which concealed her, berating herself for not telling him sooner.
"First time for everything, you know," Samus said coyly. "Even if you don't want to go along with me when I leave... we'll always have this place, right? No time like the present, after all." Curious to see how far she could take this, she slowly leaned in for a kiss.
"Oh!" Even more embarrassed, he gently grabbed her by the shoulders and held her steady, away from him, then cautiously backed off. "Th-that's not where I was going with this... um..." He lowered his arms, hesitantly, and cringed a little, anticipating the slap -- or punch, or kick -- that was certain to follow. "You see, what I meant was, I've never been in a position where I had to choose... and, well... The unfortunate fact of the matter is, I'm already in love with... someone... Um, I'm really sorry! I never wanted to hurt or disappoint you, and when you first came up to ask me to go for a walk, I really did hope that I could stop thinking about her, for once, but... I guess I'm a glutton for punishment, because she hasn't been out of my thoughts for so much as a fraction of a second all day, despite... well, never mind…" With a miserable sort of smile, he added, "I'm really sorry! Please, go ahead -- hit me, smack me, whatever you want. I deserve it, for being so stupid and inconsiderate to you."
Samus was calm, however, and shrugged lightly. "You think I didn't know that, Link? I was watching you, y'know, before I actually talked to you, back there. I saw how close you were to breaking something, or challenging somebody to a fight. But, I thought it was worth a try!" Her grin was playful. "You sure you won't change your mind? We could really have fun out there. Ship's mighty cozy, and the days are long in between missions…"
Gulping, Link blushed bright red at the innuendo. Am I really this stupid? he wondered, looking her up and down and unconsciously licking his lips. But almost at once, Zelda invaded his thoughts, and he sighed. Yep. I really am. With a sigh, he said, "Believe me when I say that your offer is extremely tempting. And, well...if I don't get some kind of sign soon as to which way this crazy Death-Spiral of Love in which I'm trapped is going to turn, I might just take you up on it after all. But...I feel that I need to give this more of a chance, before I give up on it. Maybe I'm flogging a dead horse, but that's just how I am. And whether it works out or not, I definitely don't want whoever I do end up with to feel as if they're a consolation prize. You know?" Zelda, hearing this and gulping for air in massive sighs of relief, steals back toward the residential area. Time for some royal action.
Samus chuckled. "See, you ARE cute! All right. I'm planning to leave in a few days... if you don't get any clear answers before then, you let me know and I'll make sure I've got accommodations for two. And, I promise not to think that I'm your consolation prize... although..." Playfully, she reached out and smoothed the front of his tunic "I also promise that, worst comes to worst, you'll be well consoled."
Looking down at her hand resting on his chest, Link smiled impudently. "You know, I'll just bet you're good at the whole 'consoling' thing, too… Dang! Life would have been loads less confusing if I'd met you first, huh?" He sighed. "You need to start giving philosophy lessons, or something. There is no acceptable reason why every other woman should be making things so difficult for us guys! … Thank you! From the bottom of my heart." He covered her hand with his and gave a gentle squeeze, his expression fond.
Samus: chuckled. "Yeah, well, just tell me one thing. Is there any reason why you haven't made the first move? I mean, even if she'd rejected you, at least then you'd know."
"You've seen me around her, right? I mean, can I get much more obvious? Without being thrown into a dungeon, or being slapped with a Restraining Order, at the least? She's royalty. You know how hard it is to flirt when you've got guards eyeing you everywhere you turn? Like it's not nerve-wracking enough to simply be a guy with a crush on a girl the whole world is telling you is too far above your reach?!" He gave a groan. "Plus, if I'm too blatant about it, and she's not comfortable with the idea... she is a friend. I don't want to alienate one of the very, very few people in the world I can talk to about the crap we've lived through."
"Mm. I see your point," she conceded. "You've had too much at stake. That's one thing about my life -- generally speaking, I don't stay in one place long enough to form strong attachments to many people." She grinned. "What can I say? I guess I just liked the look of you -- you're handsome as hell, you know." He blushed, and she smiled. "One of only two guys in this place to turn my head. Plus, you actually bested me in the combat arena, and that was impressive. And I'm a bounty hunter -- you're waaay nicer than a lot of people I meet!" More seriously, she added, "She's lucky. And if she doesn't realize how lucky she is, I'm going to have to kick her right in her corseted ass!"
Startled, Link snorted before cracking up outright. He bent over, hugging his ribs as they ached from laughter, then straightened and wiped his eyes, beaming at her. "I like you! I really do. Actually, you remind me of someone! I managed to live with her during several months of hell." Lowly, he muttered, "Most of which she put me up to..." Resuming his normal volume, he continued, "I still miss her an awful lot, though, and somehow, I get the feeling you'd be just as much trouble; and just as much fun! Hey, if nothing else, can we consider ourselves friends?"
Surprised, Samus laughed too, and shook his hand. "Deal!" She was being sincere, in any case; he is one of the two guys in the place who managed to turn her head, and being pragmatic, she automatically decided to shift her attentions to the other. No harm done. But being able to call Link her friend was no small gift in its own right.