I sit in the hospital room, watching my son sleep. His appendix was taken earlier, and the doctor told me that he would be back to his old self in a few days. T.K. looked so much like his older brother Matt. I caressed my son's cheek and thought about my other son. The son that I had lost. I wondered if I had done the right thing by calling Richard, but as his father, he had a right to know if his son was in the hospital. Of course, Richard wasn't at home. He was probably still at work. Some people never change. I left a message on his machine though. Nobody can I say I didn't try. The door opens and Matt walks in. I stare in shock at my lost son. He is taller then me now. Gone is the self conscious little boy. He moves with grace and confidence, like a jungle cat. His hair is still golden blonde, but its no longer everywhere. It's longer, and slicked down, framing his serious azure eyes.
Oh, hi mom. I'll come back later. The coldness in his eyes pierces my heart.
I jump up from my chair.
Matt, wait!
He turns around and regards me.
Why don't you come and and see T.K, and visit with your mother? I plead. I know I've made some mistakes, but let me try to make amends tonight. Let me say things that I should have said long ago.
You aren't my real mother. That's why you don't love me.
Matt, son don't be like this.
Why? Can't handle the truth Nancy?
I cringed. I know I didn't deserve his love now, but he loved me once, a long time ago.
Matt, I do love you, really.
Sure, just like my first mother too. He laughs bitterly.
My other son moaned softly. The sedatives were starting to wear off. I smoothed his rumpled hair.
Shh, T.K. Momma's here. I began to hum him a lullaby. I look up at my son, expecting his face to be frozen and devoid of emotion. Instead his eyes look softer. Did he remember that I sang him the very same lullaby?
That's the same melody for one of the songs I wrote. He states.
I used to sing it to you too, when you were a baby.
He looks at me doubtfully, but those blue eyes are soft, and innocent.
I heard that you've become a very good musician.
He nods shyly.
T.K. gave me a tape of your music. I listen to it all the time.
He shrugs, his face again unreadable.
If it wasn't for T.K., you'd probably never have to see me.
Matt, I'm your mother, and I love you very much.
Sure, that's why when you left you took T.K. He laughs bitterly.
I would have taken you too, if I could have!
Sure, you would have.
I have always thought of you as my son, Matt. Just because I didn't give birth to you, didn't make me love you any less.
Yea, until you got tired and split. Just like my other mother.
I didn't believe that he still didn't know. Why hadn't Richard told him? Why did he want Matt to assume his first mother left him?
Your father never told you about her?
No, She doesn't care about me, and I don't care about her.
Matt, she died before you were three months old.
He looks at me stunned. Is is my imagination, or are their tears in the depths of those blue eyes.
He pleads almost childishly. I just thought that she didn't care about me?
Matt, how could any mother not love you? Your kind, talented and very sweet.
Then why did you leave me?
I'm sorry I hurt you Matt, believe me when I tell you that leaving you was the worst day of my life.
You never said goodbye to me! He chokes back his tears. You and T.K. just disappeared, you didn't even say goodbye.
Oh, Matt. I embrace him cautiously. To my surprise he doesn't push me away. He cradles his head by my heart. I croon my lullaby softly to him, stroking his golden hair.
When we came back to say goodbye, you were asleep. Your father didn't want me to wake you up. We thought that it wouldn't hurt you as much if we were already gone.
He raises his head and regards me seriously.
You don't remember, but I snuck in, told you that I loved you, and kissed you.
His blue eyes reminded me so much of when he was a very little boy when I would sit him on my lap, and teach him notes on the piano. He always looked at me like that, like I was the most important person in the world.
I thought that it was just a dream. He whispers softly.
You were awake? You remember that?
He lays down on the bed, next to T.K.
I'm tired. He says softly. He sounds so much like a little boy, its all I can do from holding him in my arms like a baby. But I don't. Matt is after all, almost a grown man.
Good night Momma.
Good night Matt.
Minutes later, Matt is asleep next to his brother. I sigh, then kiss both my sons goodnight, and hope that Matt will remember my kiss, and my love for him this time.