Author's note: Dedicated to, jointly, Ryan Adams for writing "Damn, Sam" and littlesoprano for wanting Wesley/Illyria.
As a man, I ain't never been much for talkin' to
I'm as open as the door in her house that leads to her room
And when the colour goes out of my eyes, she's usually too
But damn, Sam, I love a woman that's blue.
Ryan Adams--Damn, Sam (I Love a Woman That Rains)
No, Wesley does not want to 'talk about it'. What is there to talk about? "Yes, hello. The love of my life had her body painfully wrenched away from her by an off-putting-ly literal former god, whom I am now in love with?" Somehow, he doubts that would go over well with many people. For some reason, the truth is not something that most people around these parts enjoy hearing lately.
He still visits Fred's apartment three or four times a week, so as not to dishonour her memory. Or something like that. He always avoids the bedroom, preferring to keep that door shut up tight, lest all of the emotions that he has locked in there escape. He doesn't need those things any more than he needs the prying eyes and questions of the rest of the team. He settles for "I'm fine" or even "Don't worry" when the occasion calls for it, and spends his time drinking as if the apocalypse is coming and watching Illyria move.
"It is coming," she tells him one afternoon, placing her hand on the shot glass and matching ice blue for ice blue.
"What is?" he asks, pulling her hand away gently.
"More power than mortals such as yourself can fathom."
"The bloody apocalypse?" he asks, half-relieved.
"Something like that." And then she cocks her head and is gone.
"Illyria, wait."
Stop. Irritated look.
"Do you understand what love means?"
Head cock. "It is a useless mortal emotion, tangled in pain and grief and something else. Yes. I recall love."
"That's all."
And then she is gone for real.
She recalls love, recalls it because Fred still lurks inside of her body. This is what Wesley tells himself, justifying his actions as he tucks Illyria safely into his arms, kisses her gently, and shows her what to do. He does not love her. He loves Fred, and Fred is inside of Illyria. Not that any of this matters anymore once Wesley is, too. Once he is that far gone, there is no need for justification anymore.