Sydney Cooke sat in her kitchen, staring at her gun which was placed on the counter a few feet from where she sat. How many times had she sat there staring at her gun? Too many to count. She felt like life was just too much to bare sometimes. One bullet could take it all away, yet she remained alive and well. But is that what she wanted?
Her childhood had been a rough one. She had grown up in poverty and in a racial, sexist, dangerous community. After her parents died she and her brother went to live with their cruel aunt who died when Syd was twenty years old. Her entire life she had to struggle for what she had. Only in the last five years or so had she obtained some stability. Then when her brother died a little less than three years ago . . . that almost destroyed her.
Syd couldn't sleep anymore because her dreams were plagued with endless nightmares. Instead she often found herself lying awake at night, unable to chase away the bad memories that kept reentering her mind. Work was the only good part of her life. And how depressing was that? Then there was the whole thing with Gage . . . oh Gage.
At first he had just been her partner, then a friend, but now . . . Syd feared that she felt something more for this man. Every time she looked at him her heart sang, she felt dizzy, and she felt warm inside. But he obviously didn't feel the same way. She had told him her feelings for him when he was in the hospital. He heavily hinted that he heard the whole thing, but he never approached her about it! Then there was the time she had made the stupid mistake of kissing him. She still didn't know what he thought of that.
Sydney sighed, on so many nights she had considered ending her life. But every time she had convinced herself otherwise. But tonight, she wasn't too sure. She had gotten into a fight with Gage earlier that day. She frowned at the memory . . .
FLASHBACK
"Syd, I can't believe you!" Gage yelled in the parking lot.
"Me?! I can't believe you!" Sydney yelled back.
Just then Walker and Trivette pulled up in Walker's truck. They heard the yelling as they climbed out and Trivette asked them, "What's going on?"
"Why don't you ask HIM?!" Syd yelled while pointing to Gage.
Trivette's happy face quickly turned serious after hearing the cold edge to Sydney's voice. Walker then turned to Gage, "What on Earth is happening here?"
"Well," Gage said, "Syd here is being stupid and immature!"
"No!" Sydney yelled in defense, "You're just being over dramatic and stubborn!"
They then turned to yell at each other when Walked interrupted loudly and with authority, "Hey! Cut it out you two! You're both acting like kids! Now calmly tell me what is you're fighting over! And that's an order!"
Sydney took a deep breath and began, "Well Walker, last night Gage offered to drive me to work this morning and I accepted. It's half an hour after he was supposed to show up and still no Gage!"
"Hey!" Gage interrupted, "That's not fair! I told you I might be a little late!"
Gage would have said more if not interrupted by a stern glance from Walker.
"So I drive to his apartment to make sure he's okay," Sydney continued, "I knock on the door and no answer. I hear noises so I knock again. No answer, the door is unlocked so I walk in and see lover boy here kissing some blond chick! He completely blew me off for a make-out session! So I was just standing there, completely shocked when Gage sees me! Then-"
"Whoa, wait a minute!" Gage yelled, "I told you I wasn't kissing her! She was kissing me! She's an old family friend who stopped by this morning to talk and suddenly she was all over me! I swear, when you came in I was just about to push her off!"
"Then why were you half dressed?" Syd accused.
"I told you! I had overslept and just woken up when she knocked on my door!"
Walker tried to intervene but was cut off by Sydney who yelled, "Listen Gage, I don't care what you do with your personal life! Just don't go blowing people off because of it and then make up stories. Then, after you noticed me you yelled at me! What's up with that?!"
"Sydney!" Gage cried, "I'm sorry, okay?! I was just so shocked,confused, and still half-asleep! Then I'm attacked by a crazy blond lady and next thing I know you're randomly standing in my apartment! I was just trying to figure out what the hell was going on! I shouldn't have yelled at you, I'm sorry. I didn't think before I spoke, I'm stupid, we already know that! But gee Syd! Let it go!"
"No I will not let it go!" Sydney yelled back, "You yelled at me for no reason, lied to me, blew me off, and are still blaming me!"
"Stop it!" Walked yelled, "You're both fighting about nothing."
"I'm not blaming you!" Gage yelled at Syd, ignoring Walker.
"Men are impossible!" Sydney sighed as she stormed into the building.
"At least they're not as closed-minded as women!" Gage shouted back.
END FLASHBACK
God, how stupid she had acted! It really was a pointless fight and they both knew it. She had given Gage the cold shoulder the rest of the day. What was wrong with her?! Now she had wrecked the few good things she had left in her life: her work environment, her relationships with her friends, and with Gage . . . the only man she ever really truly loved.
Sydney picked up the gun, contemplating whether she should pull its trigger. Everything hurt and there was no point left in living.
"Do it!" a voice in her mind encouraged, "You'll be happier once you're dead, you'll be peaceful!"
So Syd picked up the gun. But as she did another voice in her mind spoke to her, "DON'T!!! Think of all you have to live for!"
The other voice in her mind fought back, "You don't have have anything to live for and you know it! Just do it!"
"Wait," pleaded the second voice, "you do have things to live for! This will all pass and you know it! Walker and Trivette will forget soon enough. What about Alex? And Gage will forgive you . . . you know he will! You love him! Do you really want to lose him? Do you really want to hurt him?"
Sydney paused, would killing herself hurt Gage?
The second voice answered her question, "Of course it will hurt him! You're his partner and his best friend! He'll feel guilty for the rest of his life thinking that it's his fault you died! Do you really want that?"
"He'll get over it!" argued the first voice, "He'll move on and be able to forget you. You'll be doing him and everyone else a favor!"
Sydney couldn't help but partially agree with this voice. She loaded the gun with a bullet while the second voice screamed repeatedly, "Don't! Please don't! You'll regret it! DON'T!!!"
Syd couldn't bare the thought of leaving her friends to feel guilty for her death. Not that they would anyway. After she contemplated on whether she should write a suicide note telling them not to blame themselves, she picked up a pen and paper and started, "Dear Friends and Family, if you are reading this then you most likely know that I am dead by my own hand. Please . . ." Sydney stopped there. What was she to tell them? To forget about her and move on? No, she didn't want her life to be meaningless. She wanted to be remembered. But she didn't want them to feel guilty. Syd tried to think of what to write but couldn't think of anything.
"Forget the note!" the first voice yelled at her, "It's not like they'll feel any pain anyway! Just do it now! How much longer do you want to feel the pain?!"
Sydney agreed again with the voice. She was hurting all over, she didn't want to keep trying. She was sick of the constant nightmares, the constant memories, and the constant hurting. Now that she had wrecked things, she had nothing left.
Syd raised the gun to her head feeling the tears fill her eyes.
"Do it!!!" ordered the first voice.
In the back of her mind she heard a quiet whisper, "Please Sydney, don't. Don't."
Sydney hesitated, was she ready to end her life? She knew she wanted to, but was she ready for it?
"No one cares about you! Just get it over with!" screamed the first voice.
But the second voice brought back a memory. She remembered when she was rescued at Casa Diablo and what Gage had said to her.
FLASHBACK
"Oh Syd, I'm so glad you're all right! Does that hurt?"
END FLASHBACK
"See," whispered the second voice, "someone does care. You love him. And he loves you. Don't leave him. Don't."
Sydney's grip on the gun lessened. Maybe she should keep herself alive, for Gage.
"Don't listen!" said the angry first voice, "Gage doesn't care about you! He didn't really apologize for today! He doesn't deserve you."
Syd felt her finger wrap around the trigger as she stood up and prepared to take her life.
The first voice yelled, "YES!" at the exact same time the second voice pleaded, "DON'T!"
Torn between emotions Sydney burst out in tears and fell to the ground with her hand still wrapped around the gun. She continued to cry until the voices in her head eventually died away and the gun slipped out of her hand. She put her head in her hands and sobbed her heart out. Then she heard a knock on the door. Sydney ignored the door, hoping whoever it was would just go away and leave her alone. But the knocking continued so Sydney sighed and stood up to answer the door, expecting it to be some salesmen.
Not bothering to wipe away her tears she opened the door and yelled, "I'm not interested in whatever you're selling!"
But when she looked up to see who it was she didn't see a business man . . . she saw Gage. He was standing looking just as shocked as she felt, and holding a, "I'm Beary Sorry!" teddy bear.
"Gage?" she asked in surprise.
"Syd," he said with concern from her appearance, "are you okay?"
How desperately Sydney wished she could tell him that she was fine, but she was tired of lying. She shook her head and the tears began to flow again. Gage entered the apartment and wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed into his shoulder. He led her to the couch where he held her until she calmed herself down. When her crying stopped, he asked, "Oh Syd, did I cause this?"
"No Gage," Sydney told him, "I mean, that's part of it. But no, this isn't because of you."
"Then what?" he whispered.
Sydney just shook her head, no knowing where to start. Then Gage saw behind her, the gun lying on the floor. He walked over and put it on the counter, where he saw the beginning of her note. Syd watched as his face grew horrified and he looked up at her.
"Oh Sydney," he said with pleading eyes, "please. Don't."
Syd began to cry again knowing that she had hurt him. He ran to her again and let her cry as he embraced her. "Did I bring this on?" he asked with regret in his voice.
"No," she told him again, "I've felt like this a long, long time."
"Oh Syd," he said looking into her eyes, "why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know," she whispered, "I just couldn't. It hurt too much."
Then Gage did the most unexpected thing, he kissed her. When he ended the kiss she stared into his deep blue eyes and whispered, "Please, don't tell me you didn't do that just because you don't want me to kill myself."
"Don't worry Shorty," Gage reassured her, "I've felt like this a long, long time."
Sydney then continued to tell him everything that had been going on in her heart. Her past, her struggles, her nightmares. At the end of her tale and embraced her again. She then kissed him and he asked, "Please, don't tell me you did that out of excitement again?"
"No Francis," she whispered, "that was for real. As was the first time."
Then they both leaned forward to kiss, meeting each other half way. And Sydney knew that in time, she would heal. With the help of her friends and Gage's love, she would heal. As she kissed Gage the second voice whispered, "I told you so." The first voice remained silent, knowing its battle was lost. And for the rest of her life, Sydney was able to live with the pride, strength, and sense of accomplishment that even when all hope was gone . . . she didn't.