JEWEL WARS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE WHINGERS

DISCLAIMER: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas, LOTR belongs to JRR Tolkien.

(AN: Some of you may not recognise some characters, because I incorporated some people from the Star Wars Expanded Universe. So here's a little de-brief for those who AREN'T Star Wars fans: About 4000 years before when A New Hope is set, there was a really evil dude called Exar Kun, who was the most powerful and dangerous of all Sith Lords, or Darths, as you may call them, and well, you get the idea of what he wanted to do.

Enter Ulic Qel-Droma. He was a Jedi Knight who studied the Sith to so that the stuff he found out would be useful to the Jedi. He went a bit too far and actually fell to the Dark Side himself, becoming Exar Kun's apprentice. He betrayed his Master by giving the Jedi the secrets to the Sith Temple, the source of Kun's power, on Yavin 4, where the Rebel base is in A New Hope. So Exar Kun then got the ass kicking he deserved, and then there was "peace" – more details later - in the galaxy, but Ulic Qel-Droma still fell to the Dark, so that's still considered as a loss, not that I really remember if he actually redeemed himself after that…

Also, lightsabre crystals – they can be any sort of gem… are what makes the lightsabre glow they way they do, so then you can actually *see* the blade.)

CAST (just some of them, in no particular order)

Frodo – Luke Skywalker

Gandalf – Yoda

Bilbo – Uncle Owen

Galadriel – Yaddle (the other one on the Jedi Council with very wrinkly skin and pointy ears)

Sam – C-3PO (but I prefer See Threepio)

Merry – R2 (Artoo)

Pippin – D2 (Detoo)

Butterbur – The bartender at the Cantina

Aragorn/Strider/(all his other names) – Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi

Elrond – Bail Organa (Leia's adoptive dad)

Arwen – Princess Leia (NO she does NOT fall in love with Ben!)

Legolas – Han Solo

Gimli – Chewbacca

Boromir – Lando Calrissian

Gollum – Emperor Palpatine

Isildur – Ulic Qel-Droma

Sauron – Exar Kun

Saruman – Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader

Elven script reads: A long time ago, in a…oh, you know the damn drill, just get on with it!

A vast, spiral galaxy serves as the backdrop for Yaddle's speech. Zoom in slowly towards the point where the planet Yavin is located..

YADDLE (V.O – Voice Over)

Changed, the galaxy has.

Feel it in the Force, I do.

Feel it in my heart

See it with my eyes.

Hm.

Lost now, is much that once was.

Remember it, many who live now do not.

Began with forging of the Great Lightsabre Jewels, it did.

Given three of them, we hard-to-kill people were,

Wisest and wrinkliest of all creatures in the galaxy.

Given seven of them, the hairy beings were.

Like to live in little shacks, they do.

Hm.

And given nine…nine of them, the humans were.

Rather strange to me, humans seem…

Wonder why given so many, they were, I do?

Desire power, many humans do, above all things.

For bound to these gems, the strength and will to govern was.

But deceived, all of them were, yes! For made, another Gem was!

On planet of Yavin, in burning fires and toxic gases, forged in secret a Master Gem to control all others, the Dark Lord did.

His cruelty…his malice…his will to dominate all life, he worked into this Gem.

To rule them all, one Gem is.

Hm.

One by one, fell to the Dark, the free planets of the galaxy did.

Yet resisted and formed an Alliance, some did.

Marched against the dark armies and fought for the freedom of the galaxy on the fourth moon of Yavin, this Alliance did.

The camera finally focuses on the fourth moon of Yavin, or Yavin 4, as it is more widely known. Fade into next scene.

EXT. YAVIN 4 – MASSASSI TEMPLES

The once peaceful jungles of Yavin 4 are now disturbed by the harsh reality of warfare. Bail Organa leads an entire army of troops, carry weapons of all sorts, into battle.

BAIL

(to troops with blasters, rifles, etc. and tanks at the front) Hold your positions!

They wait for the Sith army to come out of hiding.

BAIL

(mutters)

Come on, hurry up, I'm not going to stand here all –

He is interrupted by the sound of lots of footsteps approaching. Out of the dense foliage emerges the Sith army, lightsabres and other weapons ready.

BAIL

Fire!

The jungle explodes into a great hail of laser bolts as Jedi and Sith charge, lightsabres flashing, into the midst of battle.

Exar Kun emerges from the midst of the Sith warriors, igniting his lightsabre.

YADDLE (V. O)

Very close to Victory, the Alliance was.

But greater than the power of the Gem, nothing was.

Heads go rolling as Exar Kun sweeps his lightsabre.

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

Then, it was, when performed his final betrayal to his Master, Ulic Qel-Droma did.

Ulic Qel-Droma, a Jedi-turned-Sith, charges up behind Exar Kun and runs him through with his blue blade. Qel-Droma twirls and slashes Kun's lighsabre handle in half, and the top half, containing the Great Gem, rolls onto the ground. His lightsabre cannot resist cutting through so much power anymore, and the blade shuts down, having been fried.

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

Defeated, Exar Kun was, yet a victory, it was not.

Hm.

Took up the Gem, Qel-Droma did, and to destroy it and evil forever, he had one single chance.

Yet easily tempted and corrupted, the hearts of humans are. Stupid things.

Has a will of its' own, this powerful Gem does.

Betrayed Qel-Droma to his death, it did.

Hm.

Qel-Droma gets blindsided by a gang of Togorian pirates and is left to die in a river. The Gem falls out of his lightsabre and is lost in the water, while the handle is picked up by Qel-Droma's long-lost cousin's best friend's sister's husband's cousin.

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

And lost, some things that should never have been forgotten were.

Became legend, history did.

Hm.

Became myth, legend did.

Hm.

Passed out of knowledge for three and a half millennia, the Gem did.

Until, when came, chance did, entranced, another bearer became!

Palpatine walks by the river and spots the Gem, picking it up.

PALPATINE

(hisses)

My darling…

EXT. DEATH STAR

The camera zooms in towards the Death Star.

YADDLE (V.O)

(Cont'd)

Came to a man, the Gem did.

Palpatine, his name was.

Took it, he did, into the long, narrow hallways of the Death Star,

Where rotted, his soul did.

Hm.

Well, of course! Live so long, who could, surrounded by yucky grey metal, hmmm?

INT. DEATH STAR – REALLY LONG HALLWAY

Palpatine hobbles down the long narrow, steel-grey corridor with a walking stick, staring at his "darling", passing a few stormtroopers on the way.

PALPATINE

My darling came to me, yesss, it did!

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

Had an unnaturally long life for humans, Palpatine did with this Gem.

Almost as old as I am, he is!

For four hundred years, poisoned his mind has been.

And waited it did, in the dust of a half constructed Death Star.

Revealed themselves again, the Sith did, and of a nameless fear, whispers were started.

Yes…

Perceived, the Gem of Power did, that come now, its time did

Palpatine it abandoned, but come, someone new did.

Unexpected to the Gem this was, yes!

Picked up, it was, by one most unimaginable.

A moisture farmer…Owen Lars of Tatooine, it was.

Hm.

Owen come bumbling along the corridor of a more completed Death Star and finds the Gem.

OWEN

(picks it up)

A gem, huh?

PALPATINE

(imitates Obi-Wan in The Phantom Menace) NOOOOOOOO! My darling has gone!!!

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

For, stupid to these people as moisture farmers may seem, come, the time will,

When shape the future of the galaxy, these moisture farmers will, yes!

EXT. TATOOINE – LARS HOMESTEAD – EARLY MORNING - TWENTY YEARS LATER

Luke sits in his garage, playing with plastic models of various types of fighters, making his own sound effects as some get "blown up". He hears the rumbling of a spaceship in the distance and looks out the window. He grins as the starfighter sets down on the sand not too far away from the homestead and its' pilot pulls up the canopy, revealing a tiny green man with pointy ears and shabby robes. Luke runs over to him as he pulls himself out of the cockpit.

YODA

(singing, VERY off-key)

Let's get physical, physical!!!

Luke plugs his ears as he makes the rest of the distance.

LUKE

Yoda!

YODA

(stops)

Good to see you, it is, young Skywalker!

LUKE

(unplugs his ears)

Has it ever occurred to you to take singing lessons?

YODA

(insulted)

No, never! Great pop singer I was, before you were born!

LUKE

(rolls his eyes)

Anyway, what took you so long to get here?

YODA

Young Skywalker, takes as long as a hyperdrive allows it to, a space trip does!

LUKE

(scowls)

Damn them Class Threes. What's wrong with it?

YODA

(smugly)

Spring a leak, it did. Replaced it, I did, and bought a new Class One!

Luke howls with jealousy and runs over to Yoda's X-Wing!

LUKE

(jumping up and down)

CAN I SEE? CAN I SEE?

Yoda whacks him on the forehead with his gimer stick (that's his walking stick).

YODA

*whack, whack, whack* NO, YOU CANNOT! *whack* MINE, IT IS! *whack* MINE, MINE, MINE! *whack, whack, whack, whack, whack*

LUKE

(raising his arms and shielding himself)

Sorry, sorry, sorry! (Yoda stops) Anyway, it's good to see you too, Yoda. Tell me of everything going on with the Rebellion.

YODA

Ahhh, boring it is! Nothing to tell.

Why? Too busy to attend your Uncle Owen's birthday, do you think I am, hmmm?

Luke follows Yoda back to the homestead. At the front of the Lars house, there is a gigantic holoprojector to project a "banner" on the night.

YODA

Hmm, long-expected party this is, yes! Well, your uncle is, I hope? Party of special significance, I hear it will be, yes!

LUKE

(laughs)

Oh, you know uncle Owen, he's got everyone from here to Mos Eisley in uproar!

YODA

(grins)

Hmmm, please him, that should!

LUKE

Well, anyway, you're now known around these parts as a crazy old wizard, you know? I'm glad you're back!

They turn to the entrance of the house, which has an electronic sign that says "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE OR I'LL BLAST YOUR HEAD OFF, UNLESS IT'S ABOUT THE PARTY."

Yoda stares at the sign, then turns back to Luke.

YODA

As am I, young Skywalker!

LUKE

(yells)

Uncle Owen! UNCLE OWEN! Guess who's here?

Almost immediately, the door slides open, revealing a very weatherworn man in his forties or fifties standing in the doorway.

OWEN

Yoda! You're here!

YODA

(grins)

Greetings, Owen Lars! Well you are, I hope?

OWEN

Not bad.

LUKE

Hey, well, I'd better get off to Tosche (AN: pronounced "toshi") Station to pick up those power converters you asked for, Uncle. (retreating) I'll be back soon!

OWEN

All right, Luke. Remember to get Micro small size! The other ones broke while I was trying to fit them!

LUKE

(rounds a corner to the garage)

All right, I will!

Luke disappears into the garage and roars off into the distance with his landspeeder a few moments later.

YODA

Good to see you, it is, Owen! Fifty years old, are you not? Believe it, I cannot! Look forty, you still do!

OWEN

Aw, thanks. Come on in and I'll get you some bantha milk (AN: That's the blue stuff that they drink in ANH, to you non-SW fans).

Owen leads Yoda into the house and the door slides shut behind them.