I'm now 21, currently at Uni, never expect me to go to Uni really did you? Two years ago, I had just left school, and was working on a stall. God, if my Uni friends had heard that, they would laugh at me. I've made sure that no-one knows my past. The past hurts me too much. Ok, so currently I'm at Leicester Demont, known as DMU, taking media. Mainly because I like film and did it at A level, and got a pretty good grade. Also, the Uni is far out from Telford, and far out from London, the two places I never want to ever see again. Leicester is an alright place I suppose, just somewhere for me to hide.

I suppose this is my diary, well I'm starting it today, and I shall end it today, because when the work gets so hard, I suppose I'll have to spend all my time on it, rather than going out partying, as any other person my age would. See, I want to get really good grades, get a really good degree, get a better life for me. It's not like I could rely on anyone else to help me: my Dad doesn't want to know me, my Mum is dead, and well, my 'other' mum, didn't believe me. She didn't believe me, she didn't care.

Maybe if I write it down, the past events, then I could possibly move on from everything, learn to love life, as I did before I was 18, before Mum died.

I was there, at the hospital, waiting, praying, that my mum would get better. She can't die, I often said to myself. She had Breast Cancer, something very common, but not everyone survived. This was the third time she had had it, so Dad and Gareth were not hopeful, neither the Doctors. I was the only one full of hope, planning what would happen next, mum could take me shopping, I'd buy her lots of new clothes. Another Christmas, another New Year. Dad came and sat next to me, and it was the very first time I had seen him cry, I knew then, it was over. The battle that had commenced was lost in my Mum, and she put on a big battle too, she wasn't one to give up my mum. I couldn't control myself, it was at that moment where I thought my life would be over, all the planning had gone, all the ideas were not allowed to be played with anymore.

The day of the funeral came, and well it was then I learnt the truth. Wearing Blue, my mum's favourite colour, my auntie cried and started screaming at me. I didn't understand why she was screaming at me, I couldn't make out what she was saying, probably because I was so emotional at that point. Dad took me to one side, sat me down, and said those words I could never forget 'You are adopted'. I didn't expect those three words to come out his mouth, I didn't really know what to expect, but just not that. I got up and ran, I missed the funeral. I couldn't face it, knowing that I wasn't hers. That day, another realisation hit me, who was my actual mum and dad. Before running off, Dad have me this sheet of paper with a number on it, I vaguely remember him saying something about adoption agency. I dialled the number on my mobile. I told them my name, and they said that they knew the whereabouts of my birth mum and her name. Everything was a bit of a shock really, I got told the name 'Veronica Mitchell and Walford, London' and I put the phone down, unsure of what to do next.

I can't really remember what happened during the weeks that went by after that crucial day. The next vivid memory is me, in Walford, alone. I had no idea what to do, my mind was all over the place. I think it must have been three weeks after the funeral. But it was August 2008, and I heard someone shout 'Ronnie,' previously I had looked on the internet to find that Veronica shortened was Ronnie, so I instantly turned around. There she was, my birth mum. My heart told me to go up to her and tell her straight away, give her the papers that when I went to the adoption people that they had given me and see where it went. But my brain told me to wait, so I didn't go, I just watched.

Every time I tried to get close to her, it failed. She didn't want to know. Each time after the rejection, the pain got worse. I had made a friend, Stacey and I worked on her stall. I know it wasn't the best job in the world, but I had to make my way somehow. I told Stacey, after a, painful period of time. It was getting it off my chest in a way, but it was to the wrong person, I know that now. I should've gone with my heart, not my head. Then I wouldn't of been embarrassed by her. By someone who had me in her stomach for nine months.

I did tell her, seven months after I saw her. In the meantime I had gotten myself pregnant and had an abortion. She even came with me. I didn't understand that, she came to my first appointment, she was there for me. And then, she just left, she abandoned me for the second time, though she thought it would be the first. I had had enough, later that month I told her.

It was at the worst possible moment, looking back, her dad was getting married to her auntie. I was in such a state. What's worse, she didn't believe me. She didn't even care. She didn't believe me. It's taking me over a year for me to get over that. I knew I had to go. Granddad said he'll sort it, but he didn't. He betrayed me. He's not a granddad to me anymore, once more, I didn't believe he ever was.

I left Walford, I knew I had to get away, and I went to see Dad. My god he was angry at me. I told him everything, why I went. And he hated me so much. I saw that there was another woman in the house, and it turns out he had a new partner. He had just replaced my mum just like that. It disgusted me. I tried living there, for a few days. But I couldn't deal with her, she was a maniac, giving me lectures on how to live my life. Since when did she have the right to do that? I had just lost everything, my best friend, my birth mum, everything.

I left, and went to live with a friend Ellie, it was with that and her help that I applied for Uni's, and got into DMU, This is my first year.

Wow, a lot of things did happen in that single year. Just wow.

My roommate Lucy came in, and she's wonderful. She has helped me get over so much, just by being there. Although I haven't told her anything. We're on the same course. She has everything, the latest fashion, Ipod, even an iMac. Once more, both her parents are there for her, even though they've separated.

Why couldn't I at least have parents that care?

'Honey, there's someone at the door for you,' Lucy sang, and I really mean sang. She has one cracking voice, no wonder all the lads are after her to be honest. She's beautiful yet really mature. She's so lucky.

'Do you know who it is?' I asked, I'm not in the best of moods, and Lucy can tell. Over these past few months, although I've not told her anything, she knows my mood swings. It's weird, I feel like I've known her forever. She reminds me of Stacey, I should get back in touch with her sometime.

'No hun, you answering it or not?' Lucy was always one for the straight talking, no messing. One of the things I do love about her.

'Fine, I'm coming,' I sigh, whoever it was seriously shouldn't be talking to me right now.

I opened the door, and there she was. The person who rejected me so many times. She was here. Veronica Mitchell. She stood there, unknown what to do with herself. But she smiled. I had no idea why. I wanted nothing to do with her, she's hurt me so much.

I shut the door, or at least tried. She kept the door open. I don't think she quite got the message. Either that or she was mesmerised. Don't know why really. I never expected to see Veronica Mitchell again, but here she was. My emotions just flew out the window.

'Please hear me out,' was all she said, or rather, begged. The house where I am is technically Lucy's, because her parents are mega rich. I thought this was mega embarrassing for her so I just walked into the kitchen, beckoning Ronnie to follow. She did so, shutting the door behind her.

'Look, what's going on?' Lucy shouts from the landing, it's a Friday night, so she's off getting ready to hit the town. I wasn't in the mood so Lucy knew that she didn't have to ask me to go with her.

'Lu, look I need to talk to you,' I reply, virtually ignoring Ronnie. She deserved to be ignored. But she's here. It's weird. She's just standing there though, not saying anything. Just looking around aimlessly.

I go up the stairs, to see Lucy piling on the make-up, god she's so much like Stacey, I wondered. Hang on, I've been thinking a lot about Stacey today, that's weird, 'Down there, long story short, she's my mum,' I whispered, hoping that Lucy doesn't look shocked. Her mouth went into an 'O' shape, she knew a little about my life. I had told her that my mum was dead.

'But I thought she was dead,' She exclaimed, looking at me in a way that makes me feel guilty for not telling her the truth to begin with. I realised that I should have told her, she's been so kind to me.

'My adoptive mum died, this is my birth mum, are you going out now? I just don't know what to do,' I say, almost crying into her shoulders. She gave me one big 'Lucy' hug, calming me down.

'Talk to her Dan, or let her talk to you,' Was all she said, and that's when I realised Lucy will always be there, no matter what decision I made. She could offer the best advice and well, I need it right now. The decision was to talk to Ronnie, or let her talk.

I wasn't nervous. I had gotten over the shock by then. It was, anticipation. Walking down those stairs, seeing someone that I would have never expected to see in a million years. Why is she here now? She didn't believe me before. How did she find me? I didn't want to be found. Well I did, I suppose. But it's been two years.

Ronnie was unusually quiet. Like she was really nervous. From the corner of my eye turning into the kitchen I saw her shaking. God I had b no idea why, it wasn't like she wanted me or anything.

'I'm off, bye,' Lucy shouted from the top of the stairs, with me being at the bottom, it was her way of saying 'Oi, get talking to her, now,' It was the kick up the backside I needed. I just didn't understand why she was here, why now? After so many years? Does she believe? Did she want me? All these questions were in my mind as I walked into the kitchen, to see her there, leaning against the cooker. Her expression was one I couldn't read, but hell, since when was I ever able to read it? All those times when I thought we were getting along and then she just rejected me. I didn't want it to happen against.

The latch on the door went and Lucy had left the house. I was partly glad, we were able to speak openly, but then, I didn't know what else to say to Ronnie, thank god she spoke first.

'She's nice isn't she, Lu,' Ronnie questioned, trying to make small talk, I was happy she was, at least we were talking.

'Lucy, and yeah, she's amazing,' I replied, in the small talk way. There was a tense atmosphere, I was remembering the last time we spoke, where she shouted at me, said all those nasty things, my confidence left rock bottom. The question 'Why are you here?' is completely in my mind, but it seemed that Ronnie was just staring at me. I knew I had to say it now..

'Look, why are you here? How did you find me? What's going on?' After the first question I began to shout, she deserved to be shouted at. She deserved every single bit of pain I gave her, because of the amount she gave me. Revenge. I didn't want to cry, I reasoned with myself after the painful event she didn't deserve one more tear from me.

Ronnie sighed, and looked at me, and just said 'I'm sorry,' and she began to cry, I mean sob her heart out. I was shocked, that was something I wasn't expected. Ronnie Mitchell apologising? From what I remembered that never happened. She continued, 'I should have believed you that night, I should have worked it out way before then. I'm sorry,' She was absolutely in bits. I couldn't believe it. I thought she was cold, that she didn't have any feelings. I didn't want to be any relation to her. But she's here, full of tears, full of sorrow. I couldn't quite comprehend it, but I knew that I didn't have anywhere to go. She's here now, and even though she's apologised, I realised that she actually didn't answer any of my questions.

'You didn't answer my questions,' I just said.

Ronnie stopped crying, slightly glad to hear me speak, then knew that she needed to give me an explanation 'I'm here to tell you I'm sorry, because I treated you like a piece of shit..' I mumbled 'You got that right,' but I know that she chose to ignore this comment, 'and I didn't give you an explanation why, even if you were not my daughter I owe you that. Stacey said that she follows you on something called Twitter?' I had completely forgotten that she had my Twitter. I smiled, trust Stace to help Ronnie out. 'So she told me where you are, The last question is a little more difficult to answer,' Again Ronnie sighed before continuing, I did want her to carry on, but I don't know, I just felt she hadn't answered the questions. I listened intently, 'I'm so sorry, my dad, he lied to me, the one time I believed him, and he lied to me. You got hurt, and that was my fault. After you left I found it,' Ronnie took something out of her pocket and I recognised it straight away, the locket. The last thing to go, the last item left that made sure that I was never to see my birth mum again! 'I knew then you were telling the truth, but by that time, you had left London, and well, everything shattered, Peggy chucked Dad out, Stacey was in bits, and me, I just didn't want to carry on,' I saw tears go down Ronnie's cheeks, I did want to wipe them away, but it could mean to her that I had forgiven her, which I hadn't 'To be honest, I don't know how I managed the first few days,'

I interrupted 'How did you think I managed those seven months, the days after, the months after, you have to, that's life' It was all about her, that's what annoyed me, everything had to be about her.

She replied 'Yes, I know, you have to go on, but this time, there was hope. Hope I would see you again. I had hope for eighteen years, then my Dad took away that hope by saying you had died. That's one of the reasons why I was so mean to you, you reminded me so much of her. I still don't understand why I didn't take the time to realise. The one time I could believe you, and I didn't. I was so wrong. It wasn't until your birthday I realised that if I had any chance of seeing you again I needed help, so I went to counselling sessions, and this week they decided it was good to find you. I know I have been the crappiest mum ever, but I will do anything, absolutely anything, to be part of your life,' She finished her pleading and her eyes were drawn into mine. I wasn't expecting any pleading. I wasn't expecting her to go to counselling.

'How's Stacey?' I ask, I know it's off topic, but I have been worrying about her today, well, all the time.

'She's ok, not amazing, can't be helped with the fact my Dad raped her,' Ronnie said, I felt she wanted to be honest with me, but what?

'Your Dad raped her?' I ask, astonished. Wow, that Stacey had been through so much, and I had left her. I felt so guilty.

'I know, She's amazing though,' Ronnie smiled.

'Yeah, she is,' I sighed, I've missed so much being away. But I wanted to be away, I'm glad I'm here. I finally have a chance at life, 'Anything?' I asked.

'What?' She said.

'Anything, you will do anything?' I repeated, I needed to know this, 'Even if it meant you never saw me again?' Her face crumbled, I could tell this was not what she was expecting to hear.

'As long as you are happy,' She sighed again, but regained composure. She realised that this could be an option I suppose, it was my choice, not hers.

I tried to get my coldness, the coldness I'd locked out since starting Uni, I said to myself it wasn't a great way to be. It had started to come back when my mum arrived, the cold tense self. But I realised, it wasn't me, so I did the my characteristic thing I had done since she had arrived. I walked up to her, and put my arms around her. I guess it was all in such a quick movement Ronnie was shocked. I whispered in her ear 'It'll take time, but I need you,' and then the happy tears fell from my face, the first time I had cried since Ellie told me to stop the Christmas before last. I guess Ronnie was happy too, because she held me for dear life, and kept stroking my hair, reassuring me everything will be okay. She kissed my hair and whispered to me, 'I love you'

I knew my reply instantly, it was the reason why I had moved on, why I needed to get away, why I was at Uni, though I love it. 'I love you too.'

This might be my longest one shot to date, and I mean one shot, there is no way I will continue this. It's taken me three days to write. Please review, you know you want to right? Abbi