Dear Diary, a home & away fanfic

Because of the amount of request i got from 'the best friend' who am i to not give you guys what you asked for. Tadah! Sequel of the story 'the best friend'.I hope you guys like it as much. Thank you again for the warm reviews i got. Sorry for the type errors. Cheers!

Dear Diary,

This is my first time writing to a diary. I really don't know how I'm supposed to write what happened for today or how I'm going to write what is in my head or how I feel, but, here goes nothing.

I was 5 when we moved here in this small town named Summer Bay. We moves net to the house of a lovely family, the Bucktons. There lived a young girl my age that I became friends with and turned to be my best friend over the years. Her name is Charlotte Buckton aka Charlie. The prettiest girl in the land (for me anyway).

She's pretty much the reason why I'm writing. Today, she told her parents that she's different. Different in the sense that she thinks she's not interested in boys. Well, she made that pretty obvious even before. She have nothing against them, we do have guy friends, but she just doesn't like them (that's what she said and I just quoted). Anyway her parents thought she was just mocking around at first, but Charlie made it clear that she was serious and I so admire her for being so honest about herself, and very glad that her parents supported her and accepted her. Her parents took her announcement gracefully and told her that they will love her no less.

I'm so happy for her and very grateful for her parents' understanding. She doesn't need to confirm anything with me though; because I already told her even before that I will accept her for who she is and what she is. I mean, she's my best friend and I lover her dearly and so, whoever she decides to be, I'll still be by her side. I mean, we don't need requirements to be friends with someone and if you have Charlie as your friend, you actually wouldn't have to ask for more, because she is great like that. She's perfect.

I wish we could be friends forever. Actually, no. I know, we will be friends forever. Best Friends Forever, just like what we curved in the tree back when we were a lot younger.

Dear Diary,

I have a boyfriend! He's name is Aden and he's really funny. I am so happy… or I think I am. I don't really know. I'm a bit confused. I went to see Charlie to tell her and she laughed at me. I don't even know what so funny and she was literally in tears laughing.

I don't know, maybe she thinks I'm not pretty enough to have a boyfriend or be dates or to be liked, but then she told me before time and again that I'm the prettiest girl among our class, although I'm sure she was just being nice, because how can I be the prettiest when she's there. I mean, well, maybe pretty isn't the best word to describe Charlie. She's beautiful, like really beautiful. She's perfect. Uhm, maybe she just found it funny that I actually have a boyfriend; maybe it's a amusing for her 'cause she probably doesn't see me as a girlfriend type. I'm probably not her type… but, of course I can't be her type. If she is to like someone, I know for sure that it would more beautiful than her. Problem is, I don't think there will be anyone that could match Charlie's beauty. I mean, who can top her beautiful blue eyes that look so peaceful and has the same effect as the calming sea? And her lips, no one can match those lips. She literally didn't need lip gloss or lipstick 'cause it's already always red and… well, kissable. So yeah, I can never be her type. Well, not that I'm complaining though… uhm… well, I am not complaining!

Anyway, yeah, she laughed so hard, but there was something different about her laugh. Somehow it felt different, like… it wasn't real, but of course I couldn't be too sure. Oh well, maybe it was just me.

Also I was a bit disappointed, 'cause I really wanted to stay for the night like what I usually do, I wanted to talk more and it doesn't really have to be about Aden, it could be just about anything, like what we usually do, but she didn't ask me. And I kind of feel lonely now, I'm used of always sleeping with her on weekend or even on the weekdays most of the time, and now that I'm going o sleep without her to cuddle me or me waking up without her pretty face greeting me, it kind of feel unnatural. I wonder what she is doing right now. God I miss her already. I miss her! Is it weird that I'm missing her already? Oh well, I'm going to sleep now, well, try to sleep anyway. Goodnight diary… Goodnight Charlie.

Dear Diary,

I haven't been writing for a while and now my brains feel like it will explode. Ok, so it started when me and Aden started seeing each other. I mean, I know it isn't that serious but whatever, we enjoy each other's company. But while I spend some time with him, I find it hard to spend time with Charlie. And it's not like I'm not trying. It's just that she always has something to do… something better to do than spends time with her best friend. I mean, I always come over to see her and to ask her to hang out but most of the time, she's already out somewhere. Where she go? I don't know. Why she doesn't ask me for company? I again, don't know.

I hope she didn't find a mew best friend or another best friend. But what is she did? What will happen to me? To us? Am I that busy spending time with Aden that she felt the need to find another best friend?

Hang on; I should stop with the wonderings. What I'm really frustrated about is that I badly miss her. Like, I miss her, a lot that it's not funny anymore! It's the holidays and I feel like we haven't seen each other since it started. Come to think of it, I really haven't seen her since the start of the school holidays! Maybe that's why I'm missing her so damn much!

Does she miss me too? Why is she slipping away from me? I don't want that. Uhm, maybe that's why I've been lost for these few days… because of Charlie; because we haven't been together in a while. My god… I wonder if it is safe to admit that I don't think I'll survive and maintain being sane without her. But I think I won't… I think I won't be able to without Charlie. I love her. Uhm… 'cause she's my bestest best friend. Right. That is why I love her so dearly.

Where are you Charlie? That's it! Tomorrow I'll come by, I don't care how early, but I'll make sure I'm in their front step first thing tomorrow. I need to see her! Badly!

Dear Diary,

It's been a while again, huh? I've been busy, but this time I'm happy to say that I've been busy spending time with Charlie. We spent almost everyday hanging out, most of the time in the tree house. It's our safe place, our little wonder world, well… if it's up to me, really, anywhere as long as Charlie is there will be my safe place, will be my wonder world… my perfect world.

Actually, I have a little secret that I need to get off me. I couldn't tell Charlie 'cause it's about her so, I'll just write it down here.

While we were on our own little world, I saw her; I caught her looking at me. It was like a look of longing, but I couldn't be sure. Because when I look at her, she always will look away. And, it broke my heart to know that she was looking at me with sadness that she would look away when I turn because she was afraid of me knowing that she was looking at me like that… all sad. I'm not sure what was making her sad but I somehow feel like it has something to do with me. But what I have done that could cause her sadness? All I ever want is for her to be always happy and to think or feel that I'm making her sad… it's very hurting and I'm upset with myself because of that. Another question is, why won't she tell me? What won't she, so I could fix it up. I lover Charlie too much, that it pains me to know she's unhappy.

Maybe I should give her another teddy bear. It might cheer her up and it could also be her guardian, since I don't get to sleep ever to her place that much anymore. The teddy bears I've given her could keep her company. I still miss her a lot, especially at night. I am so used to waking up next to her since we were eight and I don't think I will ever get suet to waking up alone. Sleeping next to her, closing my eyes at night with her image be the last I see and the first when I wake the next day is something I never even want to out grow, not only because it feels like the most natural thing in world, but also because it made me feel peaceful and happy… being next to her, close to her in any way makes me happy. But, somehow in some way, we kinda did out grown that routine and I hate it. How? I really don't know. If I could bring us back to the way we were before, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate missing her; I hate not being so close to her. And the saddest part is that, she seemed to be accustomed to these whole new things with us and as much as I never want to admit it, it makes me feel like I'm not as important to her as she is to me. Sad huh?

Or, maybe… the reason she's sad is because she doesn't want to spend so much time with me. Maybe she's sick of me. But if what is the case… what should I do? I don't want us to out grow each other. We start to not hanging out again I will miss her and I hate the feeling of missing her and I think clearly stated that… then again I don't her to be sad either. It hurts to see her sad, much more than it hurts when I miss her. Why can't she just tell me why she's sad? We're best friends after all.

God… please… don't let me and Charlie drew apart. Please. Please. I love her too much. I don't know what I'll do without her. She's my best friend.

Dear Diary,

Tonight I had my first official date with Aden. He took me to the town and we watched a movie, eat and stroll down the beach. It was peaceful and fun, but… I feel empty and very confused.

Earlier tonight, I asked Charlie to help me prepare for my date. She chose my best dress for me to wear and did my hair and light make up. She ensured to make me look good for tonight and I'm supposed to be grateful but… I kinda didn't feel grateful for it… somehow. 'Cause somehow it kinda made me feel like she wants me to look my best so Aden will appreciate me more when it honestly I feel like he does appreciates me in every way and it is actually Charlie who doesn't even notice me other than her best friend. To be honest I don't even know why it bothered me that she doesn't notice me that way. She's not supposed to anyway but somehow her opinion is always the one that matters to me most.

Anyway, my dilemma is… I don't know if it will make sense but, something happened to me tonight. When she was doing my make up, I couldn't help looking at her. I'm pretty sure I was staring like what I always do every time I get caught in her beauty but this time it was different. I was starting at her and I know it's never nice to stare but, I was so mesmerised. Her face was so close to mine and I just found myself not being able to look away from her.

Charlie is one of the prettiest girls in our school if not the prettiest. But now, we just entered 'teenage' I couldn't help but notice how Charlie's face is starting to develop from really pretty to becoming really beautiful. She has always been beautiful, but now I could totally notice how being a teenager is working for Charlie. Her face is glowing, her skin was always ever so soft, but now it… for lacking of a better word to put it I'll settle in for radiant. Her eyes, still beautiful and looks very calming, even though she wasn't looking at me, it still has the calming effect on me. And her lips… got those lips! I still remember kissing those lips before when we were 6 and it felt wonderful. Amazing.

That was the day I realised how pretty Charlie was. She was laughing and smiling and her eyes were dancing as she laughs and I got caught. I suddenly had this surge of happiness went through me, when I watched and witnessed her happy and laughing while heartedly, that I couldn't contain it and I just had to do something about it and then yeah, I kissed her. It was a quick kiss but it was amazing. I don't know if Charlie still could recall it even happening, but I know I do. I won't forget and I wouldn't even if I could, although I know I couldn't either. She was my first kiss. I don't care if it was just a kid's thing or an innocent kiss that would probably not count to others, but not for me. Charlie is my first kiss and that is that.

Anyway, I was staring at her, mesmerised and lost and suddenly my eyes landed on her ever so soft lips and a strong, very strong feeling of wanting to kiss her again came to me. I wanted to kiss her. I don't know why or where it came from, but I did feel it and if she didn't look back up and met my eyes, I know I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from cupping her face, leaning in and capturing her lips. I felt guilty though, once our eyes met. I felt so guilty so when our eyes met, I gave her my sorry look. I didn't say anything but it my eyes I was saying sorry. The unnerving part is, I'm not sorry for feeling what I felt, that I wanted to kiss her. I was sorry because I was thinking inappropriate thought when she was there being the best friend that she is to make me look presentable for my date. Another thing I noticed which made me nervous was when our eyes met, her eyes were dull. It made me so nervous because I feel like she knew what I was thinking and it disappoints her. I couldn't stand it; I didn't want to entertain that thought, that she could see right through my eyes the truth. But, fortunately for me, my door bell rand and without any word I stood and was on my room's door in no time.

It was of course Aden on the door. I bid my parents goodbye, but before I steeped out of the house, I couldn't help but turned knowing Charlie was looking and so when I turned I saw her and saw again met her eyes. I wanted to run to her and stay with her. I suddenly didn't feel in the mood to go (unless if I go with Charlie) but I couldn't do that to Aden. Plus I still have the guilty feeling I have, so again I said sorry with my eyes and left.

During those hours with Aden, however, I was very distant and I know Aden noticed but chose not to say anything. I couldn't get Charlie's face out of my head; especially her lips… and the feeling of wanting to kiss her. I was that confused that I ended up kissing Aden. I thought it would help me get Charlie's lips off my head but it didn't. If anything I also ended up imagining that it was Charlie's lips on mine. Aden isn't a bad kisser, but his lips were different and the kiss felt nothing. It was so and way different from what I felt when I was younger… when I kissed Charlie. With Aden, I didn't feel anything, I might as well kiss a cardboard or a picture.

But why? Why do I feel this way about Charlie? And why don't I feel this way about Aden?

It is so scary and confusing and I feel guilty for thinking so inappropriately about Charlie. I'm her best friend! Best friends shouldn't be thinking and feeling that stuff towards their best friend. Right? Isn't it like secret agreement or something that best friends shouldn't feel these things towards the other or something? And… what am I really feeling anyway? What the hell is this!

Dear Diary,

These last few days since I started high school has been hard. I purposely avoided Charlie in school, because I was so scared. Ever since that night with my first official date with Aden, whenever I'm close to Charlie, my heart would beat so fast that I could hardly breathe. And as a result of that, I started avoiding her a bit and as a result of my stupid decision, me and Charlie ended up hanging with different groups in school. Don't get me wrong, I love having new friends, but as always I miss Charlie a lot. At school it's as if we didn't know each other and I hate it and I hate myself for bringing this gap on our friendship, but needed to do it or I'll forever feel guilty for what I'm feeling. I didn't really know what it was at first but I'm pretty sure I should feel it towards Aden but, instead I feel it with Charlie and I'm running out of excuses as to why.

We still hang out on the weekends, Charlie and I. But, not all the time and it's hurting me that we're drifting apart again and that is all because of me; me and my stupid guilt and stupid unexplainable feeling. But now, I understand and it's all thanks to Aden.

Aden and I broke up last night, but we promised to still be friends. I broke up with him because I couldn't take the guilt I was feeling, anymore. I'm supposed to be happy with him and I am, but not in that way, not like when I'm with Charlie. He said it's about time for me to end things. He said he knew it would come and he knew why. I was confused at first, but then he made me realise something that was so blindingly obvious (according to Aden). It was just that, again according to him, me and Charlie are just so blind or just dense to recognise it.

He said that maybe if I think of it more, it would come to my senses and realise that the reason why I'm not feeling the way I should with him was because he wasn't Charlie. He said, my mind has been clouded by the perfect creature of Charlie that I'm consciously comparing what I feel when I'm around him to when I'm with Charlie and of course, he wouldn't stand a chance, simply because he is not Charlie. Not the one I look up to; not the one I secretly adore so much. I laughed at Aden's thought, but I ended up admitting defeat. I ended up admitting that he actually hit the nail's head. And there I surrendered and confessed not only to Aden but also to myself that I am actually falling for Charlie and I'm running out of ways to stop. Aden said that I'm not falling for Charlie fast 'cause as for him I already fell for Charlie a long time ago and now I just keep falling and now harder. Aden also asked me why I want it to stop, why I don't just let it and tell Charlie. Seriously, he thought it was as easy as he make it out to be. I mean, me and Charlie are best friends! Best friend! Friend being the root word and god, do I hate that word right now? I mean, if I'm not Charlie's 'best friend' I wouldn't have any difficulties falling for her. I could just let myself and be happy about it and hope that Charlie will reciprocate the feeling. But I am the best friend and I'm not entitled to feel this way. Aden said there wasn't anything in the 'friendship rule book' that states that it's forbidden to fall for your best friend because it was actually the most natural thing. He said that, I should save me and Charlie from all the drama and just let my feelings be out in the open. I don't know why he's being pretty sure that Charlie might actually feel the same but, stupid me, I agreed.

Today, I went over to Charlie's place and woke her. Well, I think I woke her because as soon as I place myself beside her, she wakes. I smiled at her and was about to say that I came there for but I couldn't form a word so instead I just smiled and gave her a new teddy bear. I've given her many teddy bears before, but this one is extra special, (I wonder if she figured it out yet). Anyway, instead of telling her what I feel, I ended up telling her about my break up with Aden and I think she thought I was going crazy for a moment because I'm all cheery and happy when I'm supposed to be sad, so I explained. I told her my relationship with Aden was lacking something and I won't find what is, if I'm still with him. I wanted to tell her it was lacking of feelings that I supposed to be his but unfortunately for him, I already have it to her. But, of course, I couldn't drop it to her just like that. Could I? Anyway, I looked at her and met her ever beautiful eyes and although to look away, like she always does, I still caught the twinkle in her eyes, that what I can only assume to be joy 'cause of my news. Maybe Charlie feels the same way, or maybe I'm just seeing thing.

But how will I know? I guess there is only one way to find out… I have to spend more time with her again, like before. Besides, I'm tired of trying to avoid her anyway; it was torturing me to be honest. I missed her badly and it only made me love her more. I guess it's true… absence makes the heart grow founder. Eeekkk! I am so lame!

Dear Diary,

It's so early in the morning and yet I'm up and about, here in the beach, watching the sun to completely rise from the horizon. Ok. I'm lying; I'm actually watching Charlie show off her moves with the waves. She looks so beautiful as always and peaceful doing what she enjoys doing, and it feels amazing just watching her. She's a good surfer, swimmer, she's also good in volleyball and she got talent in music too. Have I mentioned that she's perfect? If I haven't, I'm saying it now. She's perfect! I feel sorry for all the guys that are missing out because Charlie is not into them. Then again, should I really feel sorry for them? I mean, I want Charlie all to myself, so… maybe I shouldn't huh?

Haha… how brave I am to admit here that I want Charlie for myself. I just hope it's this easy to let her know. But I did let her know, I just don't think she figured it out yet.

Look at her move… she looks so… breath taking. How could I've been so blind, never noticing it before? But, I did notice, didn't I? That's why I kissed her. That is way I wanted to kiss her again. God, what I would give to have that experience again. I am so a goner. I'm so in love with her and I fall even harder everyday. It's scary. I wonder how much deeper could anyone fall for someone, or if there's any limit; because if there is, maybe I'm nearing the pit.

I love you Charlie. I love you Charlotte Buckton. *sigh* oh when am I gonna be able to say it out laud. If I could only shout it to her and let everything out and let everyone know. But I can't, I don't think it's the right time. But what it there isn't any right time? Oh, god… why is it so complicated to fall for her?

xoxoxo

Ok, I got interrupted from writing. Well, I will gladly stop the world if Charlie asked for it, even though I know I couldn't do that. Anyway, she asked me what I was writing about, of course, I couldn't tell her so I just told her that if I tell her I would have to kill her. Yeah, I know, it's lame, because in truth there isn't a thing I want more than to let her know what I feel, but in truth I just… if I tell her, I might have to kill myself after. Anyway, that statement didn't stop her, so I told her I'll let her read you, my diary, if she tells me her deepest secret that I knew she have but wouldn't tell. By the way that was just a made up, because really it was me that has a deepest secret. But I think I hit a nerve 'cause she said it wouldn't hurt to keep some things to ourselves. I was stunned to know that she really has a secret, but disappointed at the same time as she wouldn't tell me. But then again, of all people, I should be the one to understand. After all, I do have a secret of my own.

Dear Diary,

I officially hate being the best friend! I know it's probably the best gift, to have Charlie as a best friend or even just a friend, but it is also a curse. I mean, I'm close to her, we're close, we spend so much time together and now even in school and as we do, I cant help myself from falling more deeply for her and yet I can't be with her the way I want to. And yet, being the best friend, being beside her, being close to her and love her made it the hardest place in the world to be in. And yet I still stay. Why? How can I not? She's amazing… always!

We're getting closer and closer which I thought was impossible but, I guess it wasn't. We're close but no matter how close I get, I'm still not close enough to be noticed by her in that way! It is so frustrating, because even the bears I give her nowadays couldn't do it for me! Ok, I shouldn't blame the bears, but… doesn't she play with them? Haven't she figured it out yet?

Anyway, today, I felt the down fall of being 'The Best Friend'. She has a practice for their tournament in surfing and of course, I watched her practice, part because I wanted to show my support and encourage her more and half part was because I didn't want to go home without her. After all, it's the weekend, meaning it's either she'll come to my place and sleep there or the other way around. Anyway when they finished practice, I noticed this girl, I think she's Charlie's senior, looking at her in a not so innocent way. Like she's checking my Charlie out and I hate it. I mean, I know I don't have the right, but it's frustrating that she's free to look and admire and probably vocalise her admiration for Charlie, when I, the best friend has to hide mine. I'm always with Charlie, I know her inside and out, I may not know some of her thoughts but, I know I'm the closest to her and yet I'm still far enough to love her and tell her personally what I feel for her. The irony in that is, this girl, if will have the guts, isn't as close to Charlie as I do, but near enough to have a chance and have Charlie the way I wanted Charlie to be mine.

I love my friendship with Charlie and I love being the one she confides with when some things are troubling her. But, as much as I love it, I can't help but wonder what it would be like if we're not best friends. Maybe then I can easily come up to her and tell her I love her. But then, if we're not best friends, then I wouldn't have the privilege to hang with her as much; I wouldn't be blessed with the sight of her sleeping next to me, looking very serene. I wouldn't be close enough to stare, gaze at her blue orbs, that just like the colour of the sea and sky that we both love, holds peacefulness within.

I wonder if she knew that. I wonder if she knows how beautiful and breathtaking she is. I wonder if she's aware of the eyes that follow her every time she walks pass. But I guess she doesn't. Heck! I always find myself mesmerized by her and staring at her, but she never noticed. It's so frustrating that she doesn't, when Aden could easily see it; and it hurts that she couldn't see it in my eyes, when all these time, all I have been doing is confessing my feelings for her with my eyes and the bears.

Hasn't she figured out the bears yet?

Dear Diary,

Ok, Charlie and I were closer but frustratingly not close enough. Aden suggested to make Charlie jealous, which by the way I stupidly agreed to, 'cause I didn't think of the fact that, how can I make her jealous in that way, when I don't even think she notice me that way. I mean, how can you make someone jealous who doesn't have feelings for you? Charlie hardly ever looks at me for Christ sake!

Anyway, because I'm stupid like that or maybe desperate, I took Aden's advice and agreed to date this guy who was good looking enough and had relentlessly begging me for a date. Long story short, I agreed to one date, and to my surprise, I noticed Charlie's uneasiness about the whole idea of me going on a date with him, when I told her and… call me evil, but, I like the reaction I got from her. I told Aden by the way and he suggested maybe another date will push Charlie to the edge. And since, the first one seemed to have worked, I agreed again. I don't know why Aden is so sure that Charlie feels the same, but anyway I did it. I went to a second date and to my dismay this time, I didn't even get to know Charlie's reaction 'cause she was so busy practicing for her up coming tournament. And, speaking of tournament, I'm a little uncomfortable about that, because it won't be held in Summer Bay. So, Charlie and her team would need to go for 5 days! 5 Days without Charlie! 5 Days with that girl being around my Charlie always! How will I survive? I mean, I don't know what I mean… I just know I don't feel good. What if that girl decides to maker her move? How can I compete when I'm not even there! What if Charlie decides to date that girl? What will happen to me? She's not even with someone yet and my heart is already aching for her, how much more if… oh my god. I don't want to think of the possibilities. I don't think I'll be able to take it. But, I don't have a right either. She's not mine, and I don't think she'll ever be. I don't think she feels the same. I mean, I've given her too many teddy bears for her not to figure it out. I mean, doesn't she play with them? But what if she already figured it out and didn't want tot embarrass me, thus she pretends to not know; because then she wouldn't have to let me down. Because maybe she doesn't know how to tell me that she doesn't feel the same.

Geez! I'm too paranoid. I hate feeling this way. Funny thing, I don't hate loving Charlie. Even if it's hurting me, I still love loving her. I just hate that I don't know what do to or think and it's driving me crazy. I know I'm being too clingy and paranoid, but… can you blame me? I've fallen for my best friend and she doesn't even notice me at all. I'm just by her side always and she doesn't even look at me. How sad, huh? But I still love her. I love her… I love Charlie so damn much it hurts a lot!

Dear Diary,

I went to see Charlie today to clarify the news that I heard about her and her senior. And, it was true. They are going out. They are together. My worst nightmare came true and I can't even begin to describe the pain that I'm feeling; especially when I looked back and saw them walking away, hand in hand. Those hand… Charlie's hands intertwined with someone else. I think I just died.

But I'm not going to wash hands. I have a boy friend too. It was a stupid mistake. I let the stupid paranoia get the better of me when Charlie went to the tournament. During those days, I couldn't eat properly and I couldn't think straight and Jack (my new boyfriend) turned out to be a good distraction. He kept me company and never gave up talking to me even though I was just quiet, he never gave up and although Charlie never left my though during those day, my mind at least was able to get distracted from thoughts of Charlie and that girl.

Anyway, the day before Charlie and the team were due back, the Principal announced in out assembly, how good Charlie and that girl did and one of our teachers who went with them came back a day earlier and told us how the team were really great with each other and the reason both Charlie and that girl did good and won was because they helped each other out and both never stopped practicing, day in and day out so long as there were waves. The thought and image of them never left my mind and the jealousy, insecurities and hurt got the better of me. I mean, they shared the same interest, they spent so much time together and that girl is not 'the best friend' so that chances that Charlie would notice her if she haven't already was like 99% out of 100. So, I did the stupidest thing and went out with Jack officially.

Charlie came back the next day and excitedly told me about her experienced. She, of course asked how I was during her absence and I told her about Jack. I could've sworn I saw her face fell, so I asked her if she's not happy about my news, secretly hoping that she'd say yes she's not happy but that was just my wishful thinking. Because she told me that she was just afraid that we might drift apart again. I was thrilled to know that she felt the same about us drifting apart, but my heart was a little disappointed that is was just because of that and not because she wants me all to herself. Anyway, I assured her that nothing will change and that was exactly what I did. I never let any chance that she might feel that I'm neglecting her or anything.

But then I guess, it's not good enough. I do understand though. I do understand that she needs to be with someone and that I can't be that someone. I do understand but, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt… because it does.

When I heard about it, I literally heard my heart shuttered into pieces, but I held onto the hope that it may have been just a rumour, 'cause Charlie didn't say nor mentioned anything to me about it. But when I went there and confirmed it, together with the sight of them holding hands, I died. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't get my heart to stop aching and sadly… I still couldn't get it to stop beating for Charlie.

Dear Diary,

Today, I went to see Charlie. I brought her another teddy bear and told her I wanted to meet her girl friend. I know. I know. Why would I want to, right? Well, since I already lose her to someone else, might as well do the next best thing; to be the supporting best friend.

I told Charlie that I don't like her… I mean her girl friend. Well, that was true. And then I told her that the reason why is because I don't know her yet and that is why I want to get to know her. So I know that Charlie is in good hands. Again, that was half of the true reason. The other half, I can not tell her. Because, other half is because I want her for myself, 'cause I love her and her girl friend stole my chance to be with her that's why I don't like her girl friend. See, I told you I won't be able to tell Charlie the other half.

Charlie agreed to my idea of meeting her girl. And when she did, it broke my heart even more and that was when I got off her bed and gave her the bear.

Those bears hold the truth about what I fell but I guess she never figured it out. I don't think she will ever figure it our and I don't think I will ever be courageous enough to show her how to figure it out. Especially now… now, that she's taken and unfortunately, I am too.

Dear Diary,

I've been out of my head these last few days, weeks and I don't know what to do anymore. I spent time with Charlie and her girlfriend, Skye almost every chance I get. Sure, I wanted to get to know Skye, and get along with her and I did. But as I do, I'm also slowly breaking more, if I haven't already. I spend time with them and I get to watch them be all couple-ly in front of me and I cannot blame anyone but me. I'd rather watch them. Why? Because honestly, part of the reason why I hang with them so much, is so they can't have alone time together. Yes, I know, I'm evil and selfish. But, I just can't imagine Charlie, my Charlie, kissing someone else. I get it that they are together; they are an item, but whatever. Charlie kissing someone else… that is just… I don't know. I might just as well be dead if ever. So yeah, I'd rather be hurt and cut over and over again in the same place, in the same wound and endure the pain of seeing them together than leave them alone and be more… well, 'together'.

About my friend, I just… I know I'm hurting him and I honestly didn't mean to, but I just… I couldn't love him. I can't be with him and hang with them and leave Charlie alone with Sky. Because, well… we already established that I'm selfish like that. Anyway, I can't give Jack my heart, because I don't have my heart. I have it away ages ago; so long ago that I'm not even aware of when. I just know I don't have it. And that was why we broke up.

He broke up with me and I didn't have anyone to share it with and to. Aden's not around and Charlie… well, Charlie right this very moment, I can bet is busy preparing for her romantic date with Skye. After all, it is Valentine's Day; and I'm going to spend it alone. No boyfriend; no friend; no Charlie.

No Charlie… shit! That really hurts!

Dear Diary,

Charlie and Skye broke up. They did because… of me, I think. Last night after writing, I went through my dad's collection of liquor and well, drown my sorrow with if, then went to Surf Club to meet my friends. Anyway, I couldn't remember much now except that I have a massive headache.

Going back on Charlie and Skye; they broke up, because I asked for Charlie to rescue me and she came to save me, leaving her supposed romantic date with Skye.

I feel bad. Really! I do! Uhm… fine, no one would read this, so might as well confess. I do feel bad but at the same time I don't. I know. I'm awful. But, I can't help it even if I want to. Because the only think I can think of is, Charlie is single again and I am too! So, there you go. I also promise Charlie I'll make it up to her, so that is exactly what I'll do. Although, I don't know how I'll do that… because, of course, I can't take her out on a date; I can't buy her flowers; I can buy her another teddy bear, but I don't think the teddy bears work. But, I'll do it nevertheless. I'll make it up to her.

Also, I'll just let it out.

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING! What do I have to do, so Charlie would notice me? That she'll see I'm also a girl, capable to love and be loved! What do Skye have that I don't?

Is she into surfy chick? Should I learn how to surf? Maybe I should, huh? Yeah! I'll ask Aden to teach me… hang on. Why Aden? I could ask Charlie to teach me. Then we have more time together and maybe then she'll see what I'm willing to do for her to give me a glance that way. Who knows, right? Maybe during the teaching lesson, I might stumble, fall and drown and Charlie will be there to save me and would give me a mouth to mouth resuscitation. Uhm… what an experience that would be…

Right. OK. I'm going to sleep now and dream of my Charlie. Is it obvious, I'm in such a good mood? Why? Because Charlie is single again and I am too! .Ha.

Dear Diary,

Tonight would be the best night of my life. Yet. Charlie and I attended the formal together. Well, not together as in together, but… you get my drift. We were both single and all our friends got dates and we don't, so we went together. Yes!

Anyway, this is what happened.

It was just a simple night, really. We ate, danced, laughed, talked. Simple. Comfortable. What made it the best was, what happened at the beach. We both didn't want to go home yet, so we decided to walk down the beach. Quietly and peacefully. When we were at the shore, we sat next to each other and I made sure to seat close to her that our arms were actually touching. I know. I'm sneaky like that.

Anway, I made her promise. I made her promise not to leave me; that no matter what, she'll always be by my side. And she did. We were looking in each other's eyes when she promised and I couldn't be more grateful. Because not only did I see the sincerity in her eyes but also she held onto our gaze and there I saw it. I saw love. I saw the love in her eyes' love that is meant for me; the one that matches mine. I'm so happy that I couldn't contain it, that I had to hug her. I need her in my arms and me in hers. She hugged me back, of course, and there I told her. Yes! I told her, I love her. And guess what? She said she loves me too! She said "I Love You Too".

And that is why tonight, is the best night of my life! I don't know what it would mean for us. I mean, I don't know if we're together as in together, but I am assuming that we are. I mean, we said I love you to each other. That should count for something, right? Maybe we'll talk about it tomorrow or whenever she's ready.

I am so HAPPY!

Dear Diary,

It has been a week since that night at the beach and I'm sad to say that nothing more happened. I mean, we do hang out as usual, but nothing more special.

Maybe Charlie is still getting used to the idea. I mean, after all, we have been best friend for a long time. But I'm not in a hurry. If Charlie wants to take things slow, then it's fine with me. I'll wait for her. I mean, I waited for her for years. What is waiting for her to get used to us being 'us'? Right?

I love her. I'll wait for her.

Dear Diary,

It has been a month, since the night at the beach and I'm still sad to say that nothing has change. We hand around a lot; we're almost once again inseparable, but it seems like it still a friendship kind of thing.

I'm confuse now… are we like, that close before that now we're together it didn't seem like it changed? I mean, can't we get anymore closer, now? I invited her to have a dinner with me tonight and she came. I gave her another teddy bear as a first month gift and although I know I shouldn't expect and it is completely not her fault… well, I was a bit disappointed that she seemed to not remember that tonight, is our first month.

Maybe she's still getting used to the idea? I can't expect Charlie to get her head around 'us' as fast as I did. Right? Oh well, I'm not in a hurry. I'll wait for Charlie. I love her and I will love her no less.

Dear Diary,

It has been 4 months since the last time I wrote to you about Charlie. I don't understand. We are still like the way we were before, as if we're just best friends. I mean, I told her I love her that night at the beach and she said she loves me back, but how come whenever I tried to hold her hand, she would let me but then she'll take her hand away from mine as if she didn't notice? She won't even look me in the eyes. Is she regretting it? Does she not love me? I don't want to let it hurt me, but it does. It hurts and I can't stop it from hurting. But don't get me wrong, I love Charlie and I'm still waiting for her. I'm going to continue waiting for her.

Dear Diary,

I got it all wrong. For 8 months, I never stop waiting for Charlie, when all the while; there wasn't anything to wait for. When she said she loves me, she loves me as a friend and I completely took it the wrong way. The love in her eyes didn't match mine, because hers was completely platonic. And I am so STUPID! I almost resent Charlie because I though she was toying with my feelings, when the truth was, I'm the stupid one that assumed and stupider to even think and believe that Charlie would see me that way; would love me that way. Of course, she wouldn't see me in any way or any more that just her best friend! The STUPID best friend!

God, this hurts! A lot! And I don't have anyone to blame it to, other than myself. Because I'm stupid! No wonder she didn't act any differently after that night at the beach. No wonder she still treated me the same way, like I am her best friend. Because, I am her best friend! I am nothing more! I could never be anything more to her than just that!

And I hate it! I fucking hate it! I hate the word! I hate the title! I hate the role! I hate it! I hate it, because it hurts too much to be the closest to her and can't have her; that I'm that close to her that I can't obviously help but fall for her and yet, I can not have my feelings reciprocated.

Why did I ever fall for Charlie? Why do I love her this much?

Dear Diary,

I have been sad for a while and it was harder, because I couldn't show it. I had to hide it and pretend that I'm ok. Charlie is the same old Charlie. Still beautiful and I still painfully love so much. Us? We're still best friends. I don't think it will ever change.

Anyway, we have a new student. His name is Angelo. He's a pretty boy and funny too. He is actually in every class I have. So, yeah. He's interesting and I'm kind of grateful for him, because he was able to make me laugh and distract me from thinking of Charlie too much. I think me and Angelo will be great friends.

Dear Diary,

Ok, I know I haven't been writing a lot in a while. I've been busy with studies and… can you believe it? With Angelo! Hah! For once, I'm not that busy mourning after Charlie and my unrequited love.

Ok, I should explain. Angelo asked me out a couple of months ago and I agreed. I wanted to move on. And Angelo offered a way for me to move forward, so I took it and agreed and now, we're seeing each other. We're ok. We're fine. We still laugh a lot, hand a lot and together a lot. We look good together.

I'm happy that I'm with him… I should be happy that I'm with him, right? I mean… ok, I'll stop with the pretending that I am so getting used to, sometimes I forget if I'm still pretending or not. Anyway, I'm not that happy, honestly.

I miss Charlie. Like a lot! Ever since me and Angelo got together, me and Charlie somehow drifted apart. I tried to hang with Charlie but she always has something better to do. I know she's avoiding me in her subtle way. She thinks I don't notice or feel it, but I do. And it hurts.

I mean, she doesn't want me, not like that. She doesn't love me that way too. I get that. So I'm not doing to try and make her want me; make her love me like I love her; that ship has sailed. Now, I just want to be what we are really meant to be; best friends! But, why the hell is she avoiding me? I'm not going to force her to like me or whatever. I have a boy friend! So why avoid me so much? Doesn't she want to be friends with me anymore too?

I'm with someone else, but I never stop hurting from still loving the one that I should love this much.

So, I guess, turns out, I'm still mourning because of Charlie. My ever beautiful best friend, Charlie; the one I can never ever have.

Dear Diary,

You think Charlie avoiding me hurts? Yeah it does, but what pains me most is to watch her go in and out of a relationship. I don't know what to feel when she does that. I mean, although I have a boy friend. It still of course didn't stop me from loving Charlie. I know it's sad; I'm sad. But like they said, you can't choose who you love. Well, some people can, yeah? If only I have the ability to choose… I'll choose to love Angelo. Ok, scratch that, I'll choose to love Aden. Aden is the perfect boyfriend. Ok, I'll stop lying, Aden is in truth the perfect boyfriend, but even if I have the ability to choose, I'll still choose to love Charlie; even if it hurts a lot, always. I will still choose her. I know, I'm a hopeless case, just like my unrequited love for Charlie.

Anyway, I lost track. As I was saying, I don't know what to feel whenever Charlie goes in a relationship and out again almost as instant as she went it. It hurts that those girls had the chance to be with Charlie and I don't get to have that chance; at the same time, I'm kind of grateful, when the relationship ends. But then again, I also feel guilty as well, because I know that Charlie could also be sad because it ends. And I know she is, 'cause now, she's exhausting herself with school work. She doesn't surf anymore; she's all study and I hardly see her.

I miss her. I always do. Even if it hurts to see her and be with her and not be able to have her, (ok, I know I'm with Angelo, but we both know Diary that Angelo would always be just second best) I would still prefer that, over not seeing her at all. But what can I do? She's avoiding me and I don't want to crowd her, 'cause she might ran from me more. When will I ever stop aching for Charlie?

Dear Diary,

It's official! I'm the worst best friend in the world!

I'll explain. I found out what Charlie wanted to do after HSC. She wants to go to the police academy in the City. All this studying, it was a preparation for her to leave Summer Bay; to leave me! I know maybe she's so sick of me, probably the reason why she keeps avoiding me, but didn't I let her? I gave her space, didn't I? I messed her; I'm missing her always, but I let her distance herself from me. What more does she want? Is she that sick of me that she wants to actually leave the Bay? She's sick of me always around? Fine! She doesn't and can't love me? Fine! But leave? No! That is so not fine!; The only reason why I got through to not being with her as often as before was because I still see her around; her face, her smile, her eyes… even from a far. But if she leaves, I won't be able to see those and I can't live with that. I don't care how much it hurts to see her with someone else, so long as I know she's just there; within eye sight.

I cried in front of her. I wasn't planning to, but I couldn't help it. I know what I did is wrong. I know it was selfish, but I had to. Wondering what I did?

Remember the night at the beach? The one, when I made her promise? I reminded her about her promise; about not leaving me and always be by my side. I know, I'm a terrible, selfish person; but, I lover her and I know it is not an excuse. But… just that, I really love her and I'm scare. I'm scared that if she go, she will not come back; I'm scared that if she go, she'll forget about me; that if she go, I will never see her again, and I will never have my heart again; because even if she doesn't know it, she has it. Charlie has my heart and although it beats very painfully, it only beats for her; it is beating because of her.

Charlie agreed to look for another career, even if I didn't say anything more after I reminded her of her promise. She was hurt though and sad, I know. I couldn't see it, I could feel it and the worst part, I caused it and it pained me more.

I smiled at her when she agreed. But I know she could tell that I'm not happy. I'm not. I hate what I did and what I made her do. But, I had to do it. I can't let her go. I couldn't, even if I try.

After a while, I left her room. I tried to lighten up the mood, but she's not in the mood and I can understand, so I excused myself, lying that I need to finish an assessment. I left and gave her another teddy bear. It's been a while since I last gave her one and although I'm not expecting her to figure out what it means, I still want to give her those, hoping one day it this life time, someday, she'll figure it out.

I know it won't make up for my selfishness, but… I love her and I don't want her to go.

Dear Diary,

I just got home from celebrating our graduation! Yes! Anyway, it was fun, sad and tiring.

Fun because all my friends were there and we're all relieved that we only have to go through HSC exams and then that's it! High School life chapter finish and adult life begins!

It was sad, because after HSC, some will go and who know when they will be back. Sad, because I saw the look on Charlie's parents when Charlie told them about changing her choice in career. I never stop feeling guilty, but those look from Uncle and Auntie made it worst.

Finally, tiring. Tiring because once again, Angelo and I had a fight. We've been fighting a lot lately. He complains constantly about me spending all my time with Charlie. I can't blame him though, because it was the truth. Ever sine that day, when I officially branded myself the worst friend/ best friend, I literally kept Charlie by my side or me on her side. I looked for her when she wasn't on our table at lunch, and I sat next to her all the time. I didn't care if I didn't have time for Angelo, all I care about was/is to be next to Charlie for as long as I can. Because I know, soon enough, I might just let her do what she wants. I want her to be happy. I want her to be happy more than anything and I can never live with myself knowing I prevented her from reaching her dreams. But, until that time, I want to be close to Charlie and take whatever I can get. In doing so though, I neglected the guy that once made me forget about my hurt even just for seconds. I feel tired and guilty. I know I'm becoming an even terrible person because of my love for Charlie, or more because of my cowardliness, but I can't lose my friendship with Charlie. It's bad enough that anytime I can lose her to someone or to her chosen career, I can't lose her friendship. I'll lose everything if that happens. And god forbid… I might just die.

Dear Diary,

I almost told her! I almost blurted out to Charlie about my feelings! Luckily, I only got far as to confessed that I couldn't let her go. Her mum interrupted us… me and I couldn't be more grateful for Auntie's timing.

I mean, don't get me wrong… for days now, I've been thinking. I want to tell Charlie what I feel; I want to let her know, before I let her go to pursue her dream. But I want to do it, to say it when I'm ready enough and earlier today at Charlie's room. I wasn't. I wasn't ready yet and the timing wasn't right. I know I will be ready though. Soon I will be and soon I will tell Charlie. Hopefully she would still want to be friends with me after.

Dear Diary,

Last night, I have been reborn. I've been dying for years now because of the unstopping pain, and I died, only to be reborn again.

I woke up early 'cause I had trouble sleeping and that wasn't because I'm not comfortable. I am very comfortable in Charlie's arms. Yes! I slept in Charlie's arms and her in mine! We slept together! As in together! I had trouble sleeping though; because I kept pinching myself to let me know that what happened wasn't just a dream. Want to know what happened last night?

It started at the Surf Club. Earlier today, I made up my mind that I will tell Charlie about me being so madly in love with her. The results for our HSC exams and our UAI were up and I knew I had to let her go soon. I didn't want to, but I can not continue on being selfish, so I gathered all the courage in my body, I even asked Aden for support and he gave me exactly that, saying and I quote "It's about bloody time!".

At the Surf Club, I instructed Aden to distract Angelo and keep him busy and when he was out of ear shot, I took that as my cue and without second thought, I asked Charlie if we could talk in private. Of course, she agreed.

Once outside, after practicing on how I'll start, I ended up telling her that it's seemed like I haven't talked to her all night. I know. Lame. But anyway, she said because I was busy and there! Bingo! That opened the door for me. I then told her I wasn't, because really I wasn't. Anyway, I told her that I was just waiting for her. And that was the truth; ever since Aden made me realise things, I waited. I waited for her to notice me as more that a best friend; I waited for het to want me, to love me. Anyway, when I told her that I was just waiting for her, she frowned and so I continued to gaze at her, making sure my eyes shows every emotions, every feelings, every love I have for her. To my dismay though, she refused to meet my gaze.

I was a little disappointed at first, because she as always, avoided meeting my eyes. But, when she asked, clarifying what I mean by saying waiting for her, I caught her eyes and there my heart soar. In that simple, fraction of a second glimpse of her eyes, I saw it; I saw what Aden told me was so blindingly obvious in Charlie's eyes; the look as saw before and thought that I red her wrong. Love. Love for me. And I can't explain how I know that this time it's for real and this time I'm clearly not reading her wrong, but I just know.

Anyway, there I changed my plan, instead of me explaining what I meant, I told her that I was waiting for her to talk to me; to talk to me and tell me I'm not wrong at what I saw. But then I stopped the sentence in 'talk to me' part. I waited and when I realised that Charlie won't answer, I took a different approach; I ask. I asked her why won't she look at me in the eyes, but before I could finish my sentence, Angelo came and interrupted us. Me.

Angelo asked me to go back inside and dance with him and I so wanted to turn him down, but I couldn't do that to him. So, I pleaded to Charlie with my eyes to help me, but what Charlie did break my heart. She didn't do anything and she just let Angelo dragged me back inside. I felt my heart crushing again, but I didn't let it go on as I held on to that look I saw in Charlie's eyes.

All through the dancing, I was lost. My mind was still outside with Charlie. I was all the while, waiting for her to enter the Surf Club again and when she did, her eyes saw us and she hurriedly walked back again and away. I immediately extracted myself from Angelo, ready to chase after Charlie; I even call out her name, hoping she'll here me, but before I could take another step, Angelo held onto my arm and sternly asked me to stay and told me that we should talk.

I honestly dreaded the talk but I know it has to be done sooner or later. So, we talked. He asked me what was going on and why do I keep him at arms length. I really didn't know how to answer those questions, but the little voice in my head said I should tell him the truth, because he deserves that. So, I told him the truth. I apologised first. I told him I'm sorry for putting him in a situation like this and for hurting him. He asked why? And I told him that, because as much as care for him and wanted to love him, I couldn't; that I really wanted to fall for him, but I couldn't. I told him I tried, 'cause I did try but I failed. I told him that I kept him in arms length 'cause I was hoping that he would just dump me. And that was what he did. Right there and then, he stood up, towering me and dumped me with style as he actually caught the attention of the near by people, including our friends.

I was upset and ordered a double (I can because I'm 18 now). I wasn't upset with him, how could I, after what I did to him and I wasn't upset either about the scene he made; I knew he did that to save his face, ego and to still have his pride and it was the least I could do, to let him have that. I was upset that it didn't go well. I was upset, because I surely lost his friendship and because I hurt him badly.

Anyway, after I calmed myself from my little crying on the side, I decided to go. My friends offered to walk me home, but I declined. I needed to be alone and put my mind at ease, because I wasn't planning on heading home. I was planning to head over to Charlie's and do what I planned to do.

So to cut it short, once I got inside here, in Charlie's room and declared that I came because I wanted to see her; I asked her straight away why didn't she come back or more like why did she walked away straight after coming back, all the while admiring Charlie's beauty, still visible even in the dark. She was stunned but managed to lie, saying she didn't have a partner. I knew she was lying but I humour her. I told her she should've come I instead of walking out, 'cause I would've dance with her. I honestly would've. Going back though, she laughed lightly and smiled a little and even tried to match my gaze and again failed and looked away. It's hurting me but like what I did before, I held on to what I saw in her eyes and so I asked her, finally I could continue on that question; I asked her why won't she look at me; I told her I knew she tried but she would still end up looking away and I asked why. She lied again and it pained me more. I then told her that I'm her best friend so why does she keep things from me? I needed to break through to her and I knew that, that would do the trick, or so I thought it would. But it didn't, 'cause she turned away from me and said she was tired and we should just talk about it tomorrow (today). That statement, action made it. it aches too much and before I knew it, I found myself snuggling closer to Charlie, pressing my body against her back and broke down.

Charlie of course, asked what was wrong and there I begged her; I pleased to her to look at me and she did. She finally, after many years, looked at me and I once again saw love and at the same time fear. I recognised those 'cause I too has it in my eyes. But I knew I didn't have the fear anymore, because I knew she loves me too.

I once again gazed at Charlie and once again got mesmerised by her eyes, but was hypnotised by her lips and the urge to kiss her again for the first time after a long long time took over me. So I told her I wanted to kiss her again and asked if I may. She was surprised and hesitated saying it won't be a good idea. I asked her why and when she didn't answer, I told her. I told her I love her. The stunned look on her face was priceless and I think I shocked her too much that I actually rendered her speechless, so I spoke again. I told her I love her and knew that she loves me too. I waited for her reply but when she didn't say anything, I started to panic and asked if I red her wrong; and I wasn't. I wasn't wrong, because she confirmed it. She confirmed that she does love me too.

That was all I needed. I told her I love her and without further a due, I closed the gap between us. The kiss was beautiful. It was better than others. It was amazing, soft, tender, delicious. It was wonderful, passionate, heavenly. It was gentle and comforting and above all, loving. Charlie's lips was soft as ever and addictive if I may add. And I couldn't get enough of her, and I could tell it goes for her too as we both deepened the kiss. I didn't want to break away. But we both needed air and I needed to hear Charlie say the words and she did. She said;

"I love you. I love you for a long time; with all my heart, my soul, with every air that I breathe, with every heartbeat. I love you and I'll love you all my life."

I remembered it fully and I will never ever forget. Those words were the sweetest words I've ever hears. It overwhelmed me beyond measure. It mended my broken heart and put the pieces back together and completed me. I felt complete and there I offered her the whole me. I asked her to make love to me. I wanted to give her myself and claim me and officially make me hers and hers alone.

Charlie was obviously sacred and I was too. It'll be both our first time and I knew, one of us has to be more courageous and I took that role. As much as I was trembling, I didn't let it get to me, as I needed to assure Charlie that it was all ok.

Last night we spent most of it expressing our love for one another. We let everything out and freed every feeling we kept inside for far too long. What happened last night was magical; the experience and everything that went with it; it was one for the books. Just when I thought I couldn't fall for Charlie any deeper, I was proven wrong. The lovemaking, Charlie, her love, it was all too much and it overwhelmed me in a good way that I cried in happiness and joy.

That was what happened last night. And now, I couldn't stop smiling. Right at this very moment, right in front of me is my sleeping goddess, Charlie. She looked so peaceful, serene and ever so beautiful. God, I love waking up next to her; and god, how much I love her. She made me complete. I know it took a lot of heartaches before we got here, but… it's funny, 'cause now, I can say I wouldn't want it any other way. I would gladly take that long, painful, full of drama road again in a heartbeat if it will lead me to Charlie in her arms.

I love Charlie. I will always love Charlie and I will never stop loving Charlie.

Charlie then closed the black diary that she found sitting in her bed the moment she entered her room, for the first time after 7 longs years. Charlie with teary eyes and even more broken heart, then looks around her room and noticed that added bears in her collection. Picking up the neared to her, she began examining the stuff toy, looking for something, anything, trying to figure out what Joey meant in her diary.

"Joey, what do you want me to figure out? What do I have to figure out with the bears?" Charlie asked in her empty room.

Suddenly, Charlie's thumb brushed something bumpy around the bear's chest and instinctively; Charlie put pressure on it and pressed it in.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." It said.

Charlie, stunned, dropped the toy.

Charlie remained seated on the edge of her bed, staring intently on the stuff toy on the floor, as if trying to get her head around what she discovered. Suddenly, unknowingly, tears fell from Charlie's eyes and onto the bear. As if moving on its own accord, Charlie's body moved and her arms reached and picked the bear up, only to notice an envelop under it on the floor that must've fell from something; Charlie took the envelop as well. She looked curiously at the envelop, but before she could actually open it and read what's inside, Charlie stood up and took all her bears out and began pressing the chest part of the bears, starting from the first bear that Joey mentioned she'd given to her when she realised her feelings; Charlie remembered which bear was it and up to the new added bears that she haven't seen before due to her not coming home until today.

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

Was all Charlie could hear from each and every bears that Joey had given her. Crest fallen for not realising it earlier, Charlie with shaky hands and teary eyes, quietly opened the enveloped, all the while listening to the bears' I love yous.

My Dearest Charlie,

Charlie red the heading and bit her lower lip as she recognised the hand writing to be of Joey's and was dated a year ago; composing herself, Charlie continued on.

It has been a 6 years since the last time I saw you. 6 years since you fled away from me and never came back. I didn't know what happened or what I did for you to leave me like that. But now I know. I found out from Leah.

Charlie, what happened to us that night was never ever a mistake. I just wished you let me explain. But you didn't. You just took off and left. I tried looking for you. I asked Uncle and Auntie but they told me that you specifically asked them to not let me know of you where about. But that didn't stop me, I followed you to the City, I even stayed in the City. Every day and waited for you to come out, outside of your academy, but you didn't. I stayed in the City for months but you never came out of that big gate of your academy. I guessed you were that into your studies and that determined to be the best. You were always like that. You wanted to push yourself beyond your limits and be the best at what you do.

Anyway, after months of waiting, I thought I should just come back here in the Bay and wait for you to return after your course. I learned from Uncle that your course only takes 2 years. But you never came back after 2 years. I opted to go to the City again and look for you, but my parents didn't let me. They said, that I should just let you go and move on.

I tried moving on, Charlie. I tried, hoping that, like you, I could start a life without you in it. But I can't; I couldn't. You were and are a big part of my life, of my whole being that if I try living it without you… it wouldn't be me. But I tired moving on though, only to end up coming back to our memories together and that one night that we shared.

Charlie, I loved you. I loved you for as long as can remember. What you thought happened was wrong and I guess you know that now, after reading my diary or else you wouldn't be reading this letter. You maybe wondering why gave you my diary. I did it because, the diary contained my deepest secret and my inner most feelings that I wasn't privilege to share with you. I wasn't given a chance to let you know personally, so I thought this would do it for me. And also because the diary is all about you, mirroring my life that revolved around you and just you.

You may also notice that there were still blank pages in the diary. After my detailed entry about what happened to our night, the best night of my life, I never had that will again to write. First because you were gone and second because, my diary started as us being friends and how I ached to have you as mine and then as the last entry, stated; you were finally mine. I wanted to end it like that. I wanted my diary to be like a book with a happy ending, knowing that at least, the diary ends happily, even though its author died.

I knew early on that you, Charlie, would be the death of me. You were. Because when you left, I died. I live but I live only because I have to not because I want to; I breathe without purpose and my heartbeats because even if it was hurting and in pained and in pieces, my heart still continued on loving you.

I love you Charlie and I'll never stop loving you. I'll love you forever.

Forever Yours,

Joey

Charlie was in tears after reading Joey's letter. She chastised herself for being stupid and for everything that she did. Charlie was willing to break down and mourn when suddenly her door opened.

"Charlie! What are you doing here?"

Charlie quickly wiped her tears away and put on a brave smile to show her mother.

"I… I just came…"

"Oh, of course. You're here for the wedding," Charlie's mum said and checked her watch. "Oh Charlie, I'm really going to be late. I need to help them get everything ready. I'll see you at the church."

Charlie's mother was about to leave her daughter, when she remembered the reason why she went up to her daughter's room in the first place.

"Oh, by the way Charlie, here," Charlie's mum handed Charlie a white teddy bear with brown eyes holding a heart. "Joey said to add this to your collection. She said this would complete your bear collection."

Charlie took the bear and looked at the bear, looking in its brown eyes that reminded her of Joey's.

"Mum, who's wedding?" Charlie mumbled just before her mother leaves.

"Joey's."

Charlie looked up sharply, watching her Mum disappeared, leaving her with tears now freely, voluntarily flowing from her eyes without her noticing.

"Joey's wedding? Joey's getting married? My Joey…"

Charlie was about to rush out of her room to follow her mother, when her new stuff toy dropped from her hands and caught her attention. Charlie, with non-stop tears in her eyes and a broken heart, picked it up and then as if knowingly, pressed the centre of the Bear's heart. Unlike the other bears, the voice Charlie heard was of Joey's and what it said broke her even more. Charlie could feel her heart breaking all over again as if it was the first time. The pain she feels at that very moment was nothing like the pain she had endured before, for this time she knew that the love of her life; the woman she never stopped thinking about for as long as she could remember; the woman responsible for her being alive and for her heart to continue beating; the same one that her heart only beats for, the one that owns the beats of her heart and her soul, actually loves her back. But, life was too cruel, because now she knew, but she was too late.

Charlie pressed the heart again, sobbing and once again listened to Joey's recorded voice.

"I still love you Charlie. I never stop and will never stop loving you. But now I had to say goodbye. Goodbye my love, my Charlie."

So that's it! The end of another one shot. but at least now we know Joey's side. Did you guys enjoy it? ( i hope you guys did). Anyway thank you for reading. Till next time with the updates of my non one shot stories. Lolz Thank you! Cheers!