Elevator Music
Author's Notes: This is actually a remake of a story I had written about three years ago, except it was on a different archive with totally different characters, but it bears the same plot (two main characters trapped in an elevator with a businessman) and some similar jokes. I've, of course, added a lot of new jokes as well.
"Hey, Mordecai…you do know it was a mistake, right?"
The blue-jay and the mischievous raccoon both strode over towards the colossal, glass elevator at the end of the brightly-lit. blue-colored walls.
Mordecai didn't even bother to answer the little nocturnal vermin. He just gave himself a face-palm while dragging his black, bird-like feet over towards the elevator.
The incident was that Rigby had accidentally sat on Pops' pet bird that he had found in the park that Mordecai, Rigby, Benson, Skips, Muscle-Man, and High-five performed their labor at.
For some unknown reason, the bird that Pops found had been wounded, so he took it under his wing and decided to house it until it was healed. Jolly old Pops fed it, housed it, and made sure it was completely healed…
However, when Pops saw that it was all better and that it could fly, sing, eat heartily, and live on it's own…Pops did not let it go free in the wild. Instead, he decided to keep it as a pet.
This bird was happy, cheery, and could sing beautiful songs all day long…much to the dismay of the two "hardest-working" groundskeepers in the house, Mordecai and Rigby.
Every night, Mordecai and Rigby would lie on their beds, staring up at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes and sweat trickling down their faces while grinding their furiously.
Early one morning, Pops had let the bird out to stretch it's wings. Rigby had been kept up all night due to the bird's constant "lovely" singing, and he was walking around drunkenly with huge bags underneath his eyes and his eyelids were heavy.
The sleepy raccoon had opened the fridge and began making himself some breakfast, which consisted of a jelly (he hated peanut-butter) sandwich and a cup of hot cocoa.
As Rigby drunkenly walked around the kitchen and grabbed the jar of jelly, he noticed something highly awkward.
"Huh…" he said, scratching his head, "when the 'H' did the shower get in the kitchen?"
Rigby shrugged and walked out of the "kitchen", and began walking towards the stove, getting the pot for the cocoa.
As Rigby was preparing to make his jelly sandwich and spread it on his toast, he noticed that the jelly had a strange, "blue-color" to it.
"Huh," he said, as he spread it on the toast with a butter-knife, "I wonder what flavor of jelly Mordecai bought at the grocery store…meh, it's probably some new flavor or something. I gotta tell him to get some strawberry-flavored jelly next time."
The raccoon slapped the top bread on top of the jelly, and made a sandwich. He lifted it up and took a large bite out of it. He chewed for a second, and suddenly, his eyes widened and he spit it back out.
"Holy crap," declared Rigby, spitting out the bitterly-flavored remains of his sandwich, "what kind of crappy jelly was that?"
He picked up the jar and read the label with his eyes squinted.
"Heh… Heh…Heh-air…Hair…Gel…"
Rigby rolled his eyes and put the hair gel back into the refrigerator, uttering, "Stupid Mordecai, buying awkwardly-titled jelly-flavors that taste like hair products…"
Rigby then reached for his small mug of cocoa and wobbly walked into the living room, prepared to sit on his couch and watch the mind-grueling morning-time television he did every morning.
But Rigby didn't notice the birdie on the couch. Rigby sleepily approached the couch, and he prepared to plant himself on it. The bird gazed up at the big, brown bushy tail that hovered above him, and got closer and closer until…
…the bird sang it's swan song.
"Ugh, just shut up Rigby! You heard the vet, they can't do anything for it. The bird's dead, dude."
Rigby held the dead bird in his paws out in front of him. They had gone to see the vet, to check if there was any way to help out the dead bird. But no, the bird was long gone.
When Rigby had sat on it, he cracked it's spine, both paralyzing and killing it. Basically, it was over before they even got there.
Mordecai glared down at Rigby and said, "Dude, Pops is gonna kill you when he sees what you did to his bird."
"I already told you, dude," argued Rigby, "I sat on it by mistake! Besides, Pops is an understanding guy, he knows I wouldn't do it on purpose…I think…"
The two stopped in front of the elevator, and Mordecai pushed the large, circular button with the picture of the arrow pointing downwards. When he pressed it, the button began shining a yellow-like color, and the sound of the elevator's humming could be heard coming up.
The elevator's bell dinged, and the golden doors slowly slid open. The blue-jay and the raccoon both stepped in. The small room smelled of freshly-bought carpet, and the reflective, silver walls were polished beautifully and diligently.
There was a very radiant light on the ceiling, and the floor had a crimson-like carpet on it, and some free-form jazz music was playing on the speakers on the ceiling of the elevator.
It sounded like something you'd hear on the Weather Channel when it would be broadcasting about the local weather in one's area.
The golden doors slowly slid shut, and then came the soft humming and light turbulence of the elevator.
Rigby gulped and got a little nervous. "Man, do I hate elevators."
The little brown vermin shuddered a bit. Mordecai rolled his eyes and answered him.
"Relax dude," assured his tall, lanky friend, "we'll be out of here in a few seconds."
The elevator stopped, and the golden doors slid open once more. A young businessman with blonde hair that was combed neatly, a clean and pressed suit-and-tie, and a brown, leather briefcase, stepped inside.
His face was awkward. He had large, anime-like blue eyes and a small mouth and nose.
When the businessman laid eyes on them, he nodded his head once, as a type of greeting.
Mordecai raised his feathery palm and said, "Sup."
Rigby raised up his paw and stuck out his middle and index finger in a peace symbol, and said, "Yo."
Mordecai scooted aside to make room for the quiet, awkward-looking businessman.
The golden doors slid shut once more, and the digital numbers on top of the doors began changing again.
6...5...4...3...2...
Suddenly, a loud thud could be heard outside the elevator walls and it stopped. It stopped dead right in it's tracks.
The three odd fellows exchanged confused glances as to what on Earth just happened.
Rigby suddenly turned towards Mordecai with his pupils shrunken with fear, and interrogated in a speedy voice filled with dread, "Mordecai…what the 'H' just happened?"
Mordecai shrugged and replied, "I dunno, dude. I think the elevator stopped or something."
"Stopped?" replied Rigby nervously, his eyes widening with fear. He suddenly began speaking very rapidly.
"How can it stop? When elevators stop, they open, what do you mean it 'stopped', how can you say that with a straight face, is this some kind of sick joke, can we run out of air in here, how many fingers am I holding up, what's my mother's maiden name, what's the capital of Texas?"
"Whoa-whoa, hey…" answered Mordecai, raising both arms and putting out his palms in front of himself as a way of telling Rigby to calm down, "chill, dude. I'm sure we can contact someone from the outside…"
His eyes wandered around. All he saw were the speakers, a fire-extinguisher in the corner of the room, and the small dial of buttons on the side of the door.
Mordecai approached the buttons, and observed them for a second. He observed a large red one that stated, "In case of emergency, press button".
He pressed it firmly. There came a loud, annoying buzzing sound.
All three waited for something to happen, anything. But nothing happened. Everything remained as it was.
Just then, the elevator music slowly died away, being replaced with an irritating static sound, and then it slowly converted into a man's voice.
"…Ell…Hello…can…one…here…hello? Hello!"
Mordecai stepped forward and answered the man at the speaker. "Hey, uh, yeah, we can hear you, dude!"
Rigby leapt forward in front of Mordecai and began yelling, "Hey what's the big idea, you dumb turd! We've been down here for like, ten or fifteen seconds or something, and it took you this long to realize this? Wow, what a crappy monitoring system you have here!"
The man on the speaker responded with, "Yeah, uhhhhh, sorry uhhhhh, we're having some technical difficulties with your elevator right now, but, uhhhh, don't worry, we're working real hard to get it fixed as soon as possible…yeah, give me a doughnut with sprinkles….with sprinkles you idiot, not custard… anyways, yeah, we should, uhhhhh, have your elevator fixed in a jiffy. So, uhhhh, just sit tight for now."
"A 'jiffy'?" declared Rigby, his eyes widening and a light sweat beginning to pour down his face, "That's too long! I can't stay here locked up in a tin can! You gotta let us outta here!"
"Please sir, just relax. Everything will be alright, this may only take a minute or two…yeah, let me get some of that pork fried rice…"
Three hours later…
"Ohhhh…" groaned the raccoon, while lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling with half-closed eyes, "how long…how long have we been here?"
The businessman was sitting down on the floor in a corner with his elbows on his knees and his legs crossed with his hands on his cheeks with his eyes closed.
When he heard Rigby's voice, the businessman opened his eyes and yanked up the sleeve of his suit.
"Hmmm…about a good three hours…"
"God! I am so…freakin'…BORED!" exclaimed Mordecai, slapping his forehead in annoyance. He, too, was lying on the floor. Standing seemed too overrated at this point in time.
All three groaned in annoyed tones, as a way of agreeing with him.
"Hmph, so this is where it all ends, in an elevator." said the anime-eyed businessman out-loud to himself, "Trapped in here with a blue-jay, a raccoon, and a dead bird. The most important meeting of my professional career with a Japanese Capcom executive and I missed it entirely. Well… at least I still have my personality…"
Rigby blinked twice, and his eyes slowly swung over to the businessman, just sitting there, sighing and groaning like there was no tomorrow.
Suddenly, Rigby's boredom got the best of him, and he got an idea. A squiggly, goofy smile spread across his lips, and he said, "Hey…dude…"
The businessman's large blue eyes fell on the raccoon, and replied, "Yeah?"
"I got an idea…"
The businessman arched his eyebrow in curiosity. Rigby slowly got to his feet, and said, "Let's play catch…" he held up the dead bird, "with this!"
"Um," began the businessman, slowly looking from left to right, "No thanks."
"Aw, c'mon!" replied Rigby, frowning and squinting his eyes in petty aggravation.
"Dude," Mordecai said, while staring up at the ceiling lights with his back on the floor, "the guy said 'no'. Just leave him alone."
Rigby ignored Mordecai, and that same, stupid silly grin appeared on his face once more.
"Catch!"
The raccoon reared his arm backwards, and tossed the dead bird. As it sailed through the air, the businessman gasped and his eyes widened. With his mouth opened, the bird accidentally flew inside his mouth and lodged itself into his throat.
The man suddenly stood up and began coughing and gasping while clutching his throat.
Mordecai instantly whirled around to see the man's face changing colors and tears beginning to run down his cheeks.
"Rigby!" interrogated Mordecai, getting to his feet, "What'd you do?"
Rigby scoffed, still with that bored expression on his face, and replied, "What? It's not my fault he's a horrible catcher."
The businessman fell to the floor, squirming and still clutching his neck as he coughed and gasped relentlessly.
Rigby cupped his hands around his mouth and declared, "You're supposed to catch it with your hands, not your mouth!"
Mordecai said, "Rigby! I gotta help this guy!"
For a moment, Mordecai began pondering out-loud, "Ok-ok, what did they teach me back in elementary school about when someone was choking? It was something weird, but what was it?"
He thought for a moment, and then suddenly, it came to him.
"Oh yeah! I remember now!"
Mordecai got on the floor, and began rolling around, chanting, "Stop, drop, roll! Stop, drop, roll! Stop, drop, roll!"
Mordecai stopped rolling on the floor and quickly glanced at the man still on the floor, coughing and choking madly.
"It's not working!" shrieked Mordecai. He got back on the floor, and began rolling and chanting even faster now. "Stop-drop-roll-stop-drop-roll-stop-drop-roll-stop-drop-roll!"
"Wait, Mordecai!" declared Rigby, "I know what to do!"
Rigby sprinted over to the case that contained the fire-extinguisher, and he smashed the glass with the small hammer. He tore out the extinguisher, and began spraying the foam full-force at the choking man on the floor.
White mist surrounded the entire place as Rigby gushed the foam all over the businessman's body. But, nothing. The man was still choking, but with cold foam all over him.
Mordecai suddenly gave up. He bent down and ripped the businessman's hands away from his neck. In return, Mordecai picked up the choking man by the collar, and violently shook him while screaming at the top of his lungs, "STOP CHOKING! IT WAS FUNNY AT FIRST, BUT NOT ANYMORE! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU TO CHEW YOUR FOOD?"
Mordecai stopped shaking him, and the man persisted and kept on choking while pointing at his own throat.
The blue-jay, still clutching the gagging businessman's shirt-collar, raised his hand and began slapping the guy's face.
As Mordecai slapped him silly, he hollered, "Just breathe, man! Just breathe!"
Until finally, one final hard slap to the face caused the dead bird to go flying out of the man's throat.
The businessman gasped and breath heavily, while Mordecai gently replied, "See? That wasn't so bad now, was it?"
Rigby scurried over to the dead bird on the floor, and picked it up. He felt the drool all over and it said, "Ew, yuck! It's covered in drool!" He turned to the businessman, who was still catching his breath, and said, "Thanks a lot, dude! I really needed your slobber all over it!"
Finally, the elevator began descending again, and the golden doors finally slid open, revealing the exit of the building at the end of the hall.
The three stood there, amazed that it was finally all over.
But, just before they left, the anime-eyed businessman turned to the two.
His head suddenly grew five-times it's size, and this strange brief transformation was followed by a trippy background animation. A large vain grew at the corner of his forehead, and his eyes lost their pupils for a second, and he suddenly seemed to grow sharp teeth. And lastly, a large sweat-drop was coming down from one side of his forehead.
"You punks will hear from my lawyer!" bellowed the businessman, and he walked out of the elevator.
Mordecai and Rigby both turned to each other, and shook their heads.
"Geez," said Rigby to Mordecai, "can you imagine him saying that after we saved his life? It's not like we did anything bad to him, anyway…"
Author's Notes: So, there you have it. Like I said, this is a remake of an older story I wrote some time ago. This one, I think, turned out a lot funnier than my original one. Review it, please.