"Would've never taken you for a smoker, I have to admit," Cosima said as she licked the rolling paper, the green tucked neatly inside.
"Oh, well," Alison smirked, scratching the hair behind her ear. "I'm not a smoker. But I'll — I'll smoke."
In an attempt to hide her smile, Cosima placed the joint between her lips and lit the end. Alison watched as this free-loving version of herself inhaled deeply, slowly, letting the smoke fill her up and then find its way out again. Alison could feel the burning sensation travel down her throat as she impatiently waited her turn. Cosima took another drag for good measure and then handed it over.
"I've just never had access."
"To pot?"
"Yes, Cosima," Alison said, inhaling and enjoying the taste. "Believe it or not, I do not keep marijuana in my house with two children and invasive neighbors always rushing in and out."
It was true. Cosima had no idea what it was like to be a mother. But, she had to admit, she was pretty sure her parents had their own stuff stashed somewhere while she was growing up.
"This bizarre little sisterhood of ours has to come with some perks, right?" Alison asked. "Drinking buddies. Smoking buddies. Something to take our minds off of the fact that we're barely human. Something to remind us it hasn't all gone to shit."
"It's hasn't," Cosima said, tilting her head with a half smile. "It's not all like that."
"Says the woman who could study herself for a living. I have a reputation to protect," Alison said, taking another hit and handing it back. "You're a scientist. This is a dream come true for you, I'm sure."
"Okay, calm down. It does come with strings. Like it does for all of us."
"Delphine, right?" Alison asked, an eyebrow raised. "She's a string."
"She's a…I've got it under control."
"A string you can pluck," is what Alison wanted to say. Instead, she asked, "And we're sure she's not in bed with Leekie? I mean, how could you be so sure?"
"Because I know who she's in bed with."
"Very funny." Alison felt a rush in her chest at the thought. "Still," she veered off of the subject. "A student of Evolutionary Development finds out she's…"
"A clone?"
Alison squinted upon hearing the "C" word. She grabbed the joint back from Cosima.
"What's with you and the word, 'clone'?"
"Because it's a stupid word. It's just a label. A stupid label."
"Well, it's one you should identify with so get used to it."
"I can think of many things that I am before I would describe myself as a clone."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. Like…mom." Alison took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "Wife, Christian, daughter, neighbor…"
"Neighbor," Cosima said, her jaw hanging loose on the last syllable.
"Yes," Alison said, eyes closed. "Neighbor."
"You'd describe yourself as a neighbor before you called yourself a clone."
"Well, I enjoy being a neighbor. I am a good, kind, giving neighbor. I'm a bad clone," she said sharply, as if chastising herself.
"What's a bad clone?" Cosima laughed.
An image of Beth flashed across Alison's mind like a train blasting past a platform. She blinked it away, taking another hit.
"We should call it Cannabis Club instead," Alison said, amused with herself.
"Cannabis Clone Club," Cosima said, inhaling.
"You can call it that."
"Except Sarah doesn't smoke."
"And if Helena did, I'm not sure I'd want to join her," Alison joked, her eyes widening at her own humor, her throat choking with laughter.
"And Beth, well — "
The name was all it took to shut Alison down, like a light that shone so brightly it burst its bulb. Cosima furrowed her eyebrows and looked away, uncomfortable with the pain she may have caused, unsure of why Alison reacted like that at all.
"She didn't," Alison said. "Smoke."
Cosima turned her gaze on Alison. They'd been passing back and forth, back and forth, and now maybe Cosima realized they were feeling the effects a little too strongly. She put the joint down on an an ashtray and reached for the wine next to her.
"You two were close, weren't you? I mean closer than us and the others. Living near each other and everything."
"She taught me some things."
Alison took the opportunity to pick up the joint, unwilling to stop.
"Like how to shoot," she continued.
"Right."
"And mix pills." Alison scoffed, her eyes glazing over, her thoughts turning inwards. "Yeah, she taught me that, too."
"What else?" Cosima asked, her interest piqued.
Alison paused, scratching her head. "Not to leave the people who care about you behind."
Cosima swallowed dryly, moistening her lips again with the wine.
"Hey, you know," she said, "if you ever want to, like, talk about any of that. I'm cool."
"Hm," Alison squeaked. "If only there was something to talk about. But there's nothing, really. She took her own life and left us here to pick up the pieces."
"I'm sure you guys had a nice bond, you know? A good friendship going."
Alison tried several times to say, "yes," but only found herself able to nod a serious of short nods.
Maybe it was the weed. Maybe it was past experience. Maybe it was her own troubles with Delphine. But Cosima, somehow, knew there was more to the story. Maybe another time, though. Maybe this bonding session was already pushing it. Maybe for tonight, it was already too late.
"One hit left," Alison said.
"Go ahead," Cosima offered.
"Oh, no, it's yours."
"Yeah, but you never - what was it you said - have access?"
Without any further protestation, Alison carefully positioned the stub between her lips and sucked the life out of it, the ashes dirtying her fingers, the smoke dampening her lungs, the weed dizzying her brain.
"We should do this again," she said.
"Sure," Cosima replied, watching the light flicker out from the end of the joint. "Any time."