Ask William
"He's a sweetheart really"
Got a problem ? Let Sunnydale's favourite undead agony uncle help !
Dear William ,
On the surface I look like a regular , happy guy . I have a job , a place of my own , and a live-in girlfriend . My problem is that all my girlfriend wants these days is sex . Wild , monkey sex , the kinkier the better , all night , every night . I'm starting to worry that she doesn't love me , and only wants me for my body . What should I do ?
Sleepless in Sunnydale .
William says:
Dear Xander ,
This is a problem HOW ?
Dear William ,
My problem is that almost nobody likes me . I can't understand why . I'm your average clean-cut all-American boy , I'm pretty good-looking and I've helped out lots of times in the fight against evil . Okay , granted , I used to work for an evil government organisation , but I didn't know that . Plus I slept with Faith - but she looked like Buffy . Uh , and I sorta let some vampires suck my blood . But that's still no reason why most of the fans should hate me . What should I do ?
Bewildered , Brazil .
William says:
Dear Riley ,
Can you add two and two ? Bridge . Car .
Dear William ,
You suck ! How dare you put the moves on Buffy ?! That peroxide must've seeped into your brain if you think she'd ever look twice at you . Stop acting all goody good in the hope of winning her affection ! B/A forever ! YOU WILL NEVER BE ANGEL!!!
Spike Stinks , Los Angeles .
William says:
Dear Angel ,
Sod off .
Dear William ,
I was a really important part of a supernatural detective team . I was half-demon and had the power to foresee the future . Then I died heroically and passed my powers on to another member of the team . Now no one ever mentions me any more ! I mean , if it wasn't for me Cordelia wouldn't have ANY powers ! It isn't fair ! I was twice as popular as Angel ! What can I do to make them remember me ?
Pissed Off Now , So I Am , the Afterlife .
William says:
Dear whoever you are ,
You were written out , mate . Get over it .
Dear William ,
The radio in my head tells me what to do . It sings of upside down bunnies all covered in guts . The flowers say the moon is made of blood and cream cheese , and trilobites will rule the earth . I must go , the hammers are walking down the streets with the jam and spoons .
Dark Princess , Second Star in the Cardboard Box , Last Thursday
William says:
Dear Drusilla ,
Stop writing to me at work , pet .
Dear William ,
I've been living in this town for over five years . During that time I've only had one girlfriend . That was three years ago and it ended when she got killed . Since then I've had a one night stand and an old flame who was in exactly two episodes . I HAVEN'T HAD IT IN OVER A YEAR !!! It's not fair ! Everyone else has had more than one love interest , why not me ? The frustration is driving me crazy , surrounded as I am by young , nubile women who insist on wearing skimpy clothes . I NEED TO GET LAID !!!
Restless and Randy , Sunnydale (but not for much longer . . .)
William says:
Dear Rupert ,
Aw , is diddums all grumpy and horny and not getting any ? Why don't you ask your two Wicca friends to help you out ? Red might go for a threesome - it's always the quiet ones , I bet she's a right dirty bitch . Or break your buddy Ethan out of jail , we ALL know what you two got up to . Failing that , find yourself an insane masochist who'll do anything for the right price . I know just the bird .
Dear William ,
I've been doing a great TV show for five years . At the end of last season , I hit upon a terrific finale - kill off the heroine ! It worked , the ratings were sky-high and remained so for this season's premier . However , a lot of the fans don't like the new direction the show is taking , and I'm getting worried that they'll start tuning out . The problem is I don't know what to do to stop them . Please tell me what to do to fix the show .
Oh Dear God What Have I Done , Outside the Fourth Wall .
William says:
Dear Joss ,
If you want to fix the show , take my advice .
1. Remove the chip from my brain .
2. Never ever bring Giles back . Ever .
3. Let me turn Willow .
4. Do NOT - I repeat , DO NOT - give me my soul back .
5. Do a crossover where I travel to LA and stake Angel .
6. Give me at least one sex scene in every episode . Actually , make that three .
7. Kill off Buffy , and this time make sure she stays dead .
8. Change the name of the show to `Spike the Slayer Slayer'.
"Ask William" ghost-written by Cyberwulf . The opinions in this column reflect those of William (Spike) and not the author , who was forced to write this under threat of Westlife , and who would be in heaven if the show was called `Rupert Giles : Electric Gigalo', and consisted of nothing but sex scenes featuring ASH in all his naked glory . Characters belong to Joss Whedon , at least until the copyright expires . The preceding fic was rated 15s (R).
"He's a sweetheart really"
Got a problem ? Let Sunnydale's favourite undead agony uncle help !
Dear William ,
On the surface I look like a regular , happy guy . I have a job , a place of my own , and a live-in girlfriend . My problem is that all my girlfriend wants these days is sex . Wild , monkey sex , the kinkier the better , all night , every night . I'm starting to worry that she doesn't love me , and only wants me for my body . What should I do ?
Sleepless in Sunnydale .
William says:
Dear Xander ,
This is a problem HOW ?
Dear William ,
My problem is that almost nobody likes me . I can't understand why . I'm your average clean-cut all-American boy , I'm pretty good-looking and I've helped out lots of times in the fight against evil . Okay , granted , I used to work for an evil government organisation , but I didn't know that . Plus I slept with Faith - but she looked like Buffy . Uh , and I sorta let some vampires suck my blood . But that's still no reason why most of the fans should hate me . What should I do ?
Bewildered , Brazil .
William says:
Dear Riley ,
Can you add two and two ? Bridge . Car .
Dear William ,
You suck ! How dare you put the moves on Buffy ?! That peroxide must've seeped into your brain if you think she'd ever look twice at you . Stop acting all goody good in the hope of winning her affection ! B/A forever ! YOU WILL NEVER BE ANGEL!!!
Spike Stinks , Los Angeles .
William says:
Dear Angel ,
Sod off .
Dear William ,
I was a really important part of a supernatural detective team . I was half-demon and had the power to foresee the future . Then I died heroically and passed my powers on to another member of the team . Now no one ever mentions me any more ! I mean , if it wasn't for me Cordelia wouldn't have ANY powers ! It isn't fair ! I was twice as popular as Angel ! What can I do to make them remember me ?
Pissed Off Now , So I Am , the Afterlife .
William says:
Dear whoever you are ,
You were written out , mate . Get over it .
Dear William ,
The radio in my head tells me what to do . It sings of upside down bunnies all covered in guts . The flowers say the moon is made of blood and cream cheese , and trilobites will rule the earth . I must go , the hammers are walking down the streets with the jam and spoons .
Dark Princess , Second Star in the Cardboard Box , Last Thursday
William says:
Dear Drusilla ,
Stop writing to me at work , pet .
Dear William ,
I've been living in this town for over five years . During that time I've only had one girlfriend . That was three years ago and it ended when she got killed . Since then I've had a one night stand and an old flame who was in exactly two episodes . I HAVEN'T HAD IT IN OVER A YEAR !!! It's not fair ! Everyone else has had more than one love interest , why not me ? The frustration is driving me crazy , surrounded as I am by young , nubile women who insist on wearing skimpy clothes . I NEED TO GET LAID !!!
Restless and Randy , Sunnydale (but not for much longer . . .)
William says:
Dear Rupert ,
Aw , is diddums all grumpy and horny and not getting any ? Why don't you ask your two Wicca friends to help you out ? Red might go for a threesome - it's always the quiet ones , I bet she's a right dirty bitch . Or break your buddy Ethan out of jail , we ALL know what you two got up to . Failing that , find yourself an insane masochist who'll do anything for the right price . I know just the bird .
Dear William ,
I've been doing a great TV show for five years . At the end of last season , I hit upon a terrific finale - kill off the heroine ! It worked , the ratings were sky-high and remained so for this season's premier . However , a lot of the fans don't like the new direction the show is taking , and I'm getting worried that they'll start tuning out . The problem is I don't know what to do to stop them . Please tell me what to do to fix the show .
Oh Dear God What Have I Done , Outside the Fourth Wall .
William says:
Dear Joss ,
If you want to fix the show , take my advice .
1. Remove the chip from my brain .
2. Never ever bring Giles back . Ever .
3. Let me turn Willow .
4. Do NOT - I repeat , DO NOT - give me my soul back .
5. Do a crossover where I travel to LA and stake Angel .
6. Give me at least one sex scene in every episode . Actually , make that three .
7. Kill off Buffy , and this time make sure she stays dead .
8. Change the name of the show to `Spike the Slayer Slayer'.
"Ask William" ghost-written by Cyberwulf . The opinions in this column reflect those of William (Spike) and not the author , who was forced to write this under threat of Westlife , and who would be in heaven if the show was called `Rupert Giles : Electric Gigalo', and consisted of nothing but sex scenes featuring ASH in all his naked glory . Characters belong to Joss Whedon , at least until the copyright expires . The preceding fic was rated 15s (R).