A/N: Okay… I blame this on pop, chocolate, a forum I read that said Fai has more curves than Sakura, my Kodocha fic "A Mile in Your Shoes" (there are some really obvious similarities between this fic and that one… Sorry, I'm reusing ideas, which I hate, but I just really wanted to write this, lol), and way too many random conversations with Jill… Um… I don't even want to explain any more of this it's so weird.
Warnings: Yaoi and language. And crack. Total and utter crack. Don't say I didn't warn you. I will not be held responsible for any permanent brain damage or other scarring caused by this fiction. Seriously. This is probably the weirdest thing I've ever written, and some of you will probably want to kill me for it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Tsubasa or it's characters. Nor do I own Victoria's Secret, lol
--
"Come on, Sakura, I think it's about time we went for a little Mommy/daughter shopping trip!" Fai called through the house.
Sakura peeked around the corner at the blonde man before walking all the way into the room. "What? But... Fai-san, we go shopping together all the time…" she said, confused.
"No, no, not that kind of shopping... We're going bra shopping!"
"But... Fai-san…" Sakura replied, blushing and getting quieter and quieter as she said the next part. "I don't have...Boobs...Yet…"
'You mean still, not yet,' Fai thought, but aloud he only said, "Not for you, Sakura-chan... We're going for me!"
The princess blushed more. "B-but Fai-san! Aren't… you…?"
Before she could finish, Fai interrupted. "Hurry up, Sakura-chan! Get your shoes on! We have to get there early so we don't miss the sale!" Sakura followed his instructions and put her shoes on. The moment she finished, he grabbed her hand and they were flying out the door and down the road.
--
They were walking through a huge, overcrowded building with tons of shops and bright lights. Sakura had heard of one of these places in another world ("malls," she thought they were called?), but she hadn't actually been to one before now. When they stopped at a multicolored map, she asked, "Where are we going, Fai-san?"
Leading her down a large hallway to their right, Fai answered, "I overheard some people at a restaurant talking about a place called 'Victoria's Secret.' That's where we're going. It sounds like a great place, but… I wonder who this 'Victoria' person is?"
--
Sakura was still blushing as they walked in the front door and into the living room, Fai carrying a bright pink, striped bag in one hand. In his other hand, there was an ice cream cone, and Sakura had one, too (it was compensation for how much the princess had been scarred during their little shopping trip).
Syaoran appeared in the living room. "Hello Sakura-hime, Fai-san. Where did you go?" he asked politely. He was surprised to see Sakura turn an even darker pink, almost red, before scurrying out of the room.
"We were at a store called Victoria's Secret!" Fai exclaimed happily, only to receive a confused look from Syaoran. The mage paid no attention to that, though, and just skipped into the kitchen, where he saw Kurogane eating.
The ninja raised an eyebrow, looking at the bag. "What's that?" he asked uninterestedly.
Fai giggled girlishly. "You don't get to know yet, Kuro-puu!" he said.
The other man shot him a strange, confused look before turning back to his food. "Whatever."
Fai skipped off, somehow managing to continue giggling and hum happily at the same time.
When Sakura came into the kitchen, Kurogane asked, "What the hell is that mage hiding?"
"What do you mean, Kurogane-san?" she asked, confused. She (amazingly) wasn't blushing anymore, because she'd managed to stop being so embarrassed since they got home a few minutes ago.
"What did he buy that he's hiding?"
"U-umm," Sakura said, her face starting to turn pink again. "I have to go now!" she finished, rushing out of the room and almost running into Syaoran on the way out.
"What's wrong, hime?" he asked worriedly.
"N-nothing, Syaoran-kun!"
--
Later that night, Kurogane came into the living room, where Fai was reading a book.
"Oi, Mage. What the hell are you hiding? You've even got the princess in on it. She wouldn't tell me anything," he said, misinterpreting Sakura's earlier avoidance. "So what is it?"
Fai just grinned at him, standing up and inching around the other man, towards the hallway. "I told you, you don't get to know yet, Kuro-rin!" Knowing that he wouldn't get away so easily with just saying that this time, he turned and ran towards the doorway, dodging Kurogane's blows as he chased after him. Mokona, who had been sitting on the arm of the couch the whole time, just laughed.
--
Kurogane woke up the next morning, stood up, and stretched. Hearing a small knock on the door, he said, "What is it?"
Sakura peeked her head into the room. "Um, Fai-san?" she asked, seeming a bit embarrassed.
"What? The mage is in his room."
Now the princess just looked confused. "Umm… What are you talking about, Fai-san?" she asked.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kurogane asked, looking at her like she was crazy.
Suddenly, Sakura's eyes grew huge, and she grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the bathroom to look in the mirror.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" the ninja yelled loud enough to wake up everyone in the house and possibly some of the neighbors. Then he ran to… Well, his room, the princess following nervously behind him, and opened the door, only to see… Himself.
"Oi, mage! What's going on?!" Okay, that's weird. I'm calling myself mage. This just isn't right.
And there was what had to be the creepiest thing the ninja had ever seen in his life. Him. Smiling. Not the bloodthirsty grin he wore in battle, not a smirk, but a grin. And that was by far scarier than anything else that had happened this morning, including himself being stuck in the idiot's body.
"I don't have a clue, Kuro-tan! Looks like you figured it out a bit later than me, though," he said, laughing. The damn idiot's enjoying this! He thinks it's funny!
Then "Kurogane" stood up and pranced out of the room, still grinning like an idiot. Pranced, for God's sake! Running into Sakura, he asked, "Oh, did you need help with something, Sakura-chan?"
Sakura backed away. Even she was scared by the sight of Kurogane smiling like that. "Um, I was just wondering about something I wanted to cook for breakfast, but… I think I figured it out now!" she yelled, running back towards the kitchen. The poor girl's had her innocent mind scarred constantly over the past two days.
"Damn it, Mage. Stop smiling! It's just too weird."
"Ne, Kuro-tan, don't you think we should try to act like each other? We've already scared poor Sakura-chan! We shouldn't worry Syaoran-kun, too!"
Kurogane just grunted. He thought that they should find a solution with the brat and manjuu bun knowing, too, but he would never willingly agree to anything the blonde said.
"Good! So, first thing! You can't swear when you're me! It's rude, and I would never do that!"
Kurogane resisted the urge to swear at that very moment, saying, "And you have to stop smiling like that!"
Fai tried his hardest to make a Kurogane-like scowl, but it was ruined when he started giggling. "I'm sorry, Kuro-rin, it's just so hard! I have to smile!"
"Too bad. Try again."
"Okay," Fai sighed. He put on his best glare. It wasn't quite as good as Kurogane's real glare, but he decided it would work. After all, it's better than that stupid grin.
"And next," Fai continued, "You absolutely have to smile!"
"No way in hell."
"You have to!" Fai insisted. "You'll scare little Syaoran-kun if he sees me walking around glaring at him!"
"Fine," he replied, trying to smile. It looked a bit insane, but oh well. Fai was already insane, so it didn't make much of a difference… Okay, that was a lie. It actually looked pretty terrifying, since the only way Kurogane could make himself smile was the same way he did on the battlefield.
"Okay, bye-bye now!" Fai said, grinning and skipping off again.
"Hey, Idiot! Walk normally for once!"
"Oh, right!" Fai said, glaring again and stomping down the hall, barely stopping himself from laughing again.
--
He felt like an idiot. A complete and total idiot. There was a reason he called the mage that. And after three hours of prancing around, trying to grin the whole time, and constantly forgetting that he couldn't call them "Kid," "Princess," and "Manjuu bun," he wasn't sure how the other man could do it. It was just too damaging to his pride. Then again, maybe the blonde didn't have any pride to damage.
--
Fai, on the other hand, was completely loving this. It was funny trying to act like a "big, growly puppy," even if it was a bit of a challenge. And it was about to get even more fun (at Kurogane's expense, of course).
--
"Fai" was sitting on the living room floor and glaring at the empty space in front of him. Suddenly, he heard a voice in his ear.
"Ne, Kuro-wanwan, you can't glare, remember?" the actual mage whispered. The voice made Kurogane look up… And then almost die of a heart attack.
He… Oh my God, what the hell is he… I… wearing?!?!
Standing next to Kurogane, in his body, was the mage. Wearing a maid's uniform. He jumped up, pulling out his sword (he'd made Fai give it to him earlier so it wouldn't be destroyed in one of his crazy schemes). Then, he realized he had nobody to aim it at. After all, he couldn't exactly stab his own body. So he put the sword near his own throat, wondering what would happen to their souls if he killed Fai's body.
"I swear, if you don't take that off right now, I'll…" he let the threat hang there, since he didn't exactly know who it would kill.
"You'll what? Kill yourself?" Fai asked, smirking. It looked strangely natural on Kurogane's face, but was strangely unnatural for Fai. Without waiting for a reply, he bounced out of the room again. To see the ninja's reaction was really the only reason he'd entered the room in the first place.
Kurogane could only stare after him, wondering what the hell had just happened. Little did he know, the torture was just beginning.
--
All day long, Fai had been acting like as much of an idiot as he could, and at most times, as girly as he could, too. And although Sakura knew what had happened, Syaoran didn't, and he was just being terrified of how the two adults in the group were acting. He didn't say it aloud, but he was starting to think that maybe they were on drugs. Sakura simply avoided them as much as she could, and Mokona laughed hysterically. At one point, it fell off the arm of the couch and started crying when it hit its head on the floor. And two seconds later, it was laughing again.
Kurogane, on the other hand, just cringed and tried as hard as he could to ignore the other man. After all, as Fai had proven earlier, he couldn't exactly kill himself or his body. Dammit.
--
That night, as they got ready to go to sleep, Kurogane took off his shirt only to find…
"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" A bra. The idiot mage wore a bra! Well, that would explain why he'd been feeling uncomfortable all day. But really, a bra?!
Kurogane decided he really didn't want to know what went on in the mage's head. He'd already known he was a freak, but this day made him believe it went far beyond just being a freak.
--
"Kuro-rin, guess what?" Fai sang. It was about midnight on the second day by now, and the kids were in bed. Kurogane and Mokona were on the couch again, Fai joining them.
"What?" the ninja asked after hesitating for a few moments. Suddenly, the blonde kissed him. It was just a small peck on the lips, but still, he kissed him.
"That's all!" he said cheerfully.
They both felt a strange sensation. It was almost like the feeling they got when traveling between worlds, but not quite. The world spun in front of their eyes, and they shut them to make the spinning feeling go away. When they opened them again, they realized they were back in their own bodies.
Thank God!Now that idiot can't make me look like an idiot anymore! Kurogane thought… Until he realized he was still wearing the maid's uniform. Eyes bulging, he quickly ran into his room to change.
Once Kurogane was out of the room, Fai turned to Mokona. "So what was that all about?" he asked, smiling as though swapping bodies with the ninja was an everyday occurrence.
Mokona chuckled. "Mokona made a wish to Yuuko!" it replied.
"Why would you make a wish like that?" Fai asked with a confused tilt of his head.
"Mokona saw Fai and Kuro-puu fighting. Mokona doesn't like it when Fai and Kuro-puu fight… So Mokona asked Yuuko to let you spend some time as each other and see what each others' lives are like."
"So why did we change back just now?" He already had an idea, but he wanted to be sure.
"Kiss and make up!" was all Mokona said before hopping down the hallway to sleep with Syaoran for the night. The manjuu knew that poor Syaoran would be having nightmares after everything he'd seen in the past two days.
--
Back in his room, Kurogane was just enjoying being back in his own body, where the magician couldn't make it look like he was doing all the weird things he had today and yesterday. A knock on the door interrupted his moment of peace.
"What the hell do you want?" he asked, knowing it was Fai.
He opened the door and looked into the room, grinning nervously. "Look, Kuro-tan! I got one in my size, too!" he said, walking all the way into the room to reveal yet another maid's outfit.
Kurogane stood up, pulling out his sword again and aiming it at the blonde. "Seriously. You look like even more of an idiot than usual, and I can kill you now," he said, glaring. "Now take that stupid thing off before I do kill you."
"No problem, Kuro-rin," Fai purred with a mischievous smile, slipping the dress off.
--
A/N: Haha, yep, that's where it ends, sorry! And also, I'm terribly sorry for anyone who actually read this and was scarred for life. Yeah… Writing after weird conversations while you're on a sugar high is not good for innocent minds, lol
But, as I said before, I warned you. And I can't be held responsible for any damage done by this fanfic.
But on the bright side, this is my longest oneshot! Okay, yeah, maybe that's not such a good thing, but oh well…
Um, please review, even if it's just to tell me how much of an idiot I am! Seriously!