Dear Jethro,
I know it's been about a month since my last letter but things have been really busy at the office. Tim almost got shot the other day and Abby freaked out so I had to take care of both of them. You've been gone about two years now and the pain of missing you isn't what it used to be. Ziva hardly ever compares my leadership to yours anymore and Tim has gone almost three months without mentioning you at all. Abby still talks about you constantly but I know she also writes to you constantly as well so I guess that's nothing new.
I was going through my closet the other day and I found some stuff you gave me over the years. I still have all your NCIS service medals and your badge. But I also found some cards we got for the holidays, the ones that were addressed to the both of us. There were some tickets from the games we went to and also tickets from the movies I dragged you to. You were always great about putting up with that.
I can't say that anything has changed much as far as work goes. Vance is still walking on eggshells like he thinks you're about to walk back in any moment. Ducky is almost daily even though he is technically retired. He usually sits in Abby's lab and reads the newspaper. I keep telling him he retired too early because there is no way he can just sit and watch Abby work without trying to help and uncover a new piece of evidence. He invited us all to dinner the other night and I think you'd really like the new condo he bought. He said it was much easier to manage than is mom's old house. Speaking of which, I don't know if Abby told you but Ducky gave the house to Palmer and his wife. He said they needed the space now that the second baby was on the way.
Palmer tells stories all the time just like Ducky and Ziva said that she once heard him talking to a corpse and had to check and make sure Ducky hadn't snuck in to autopsy. Ziva's jokes are actually starting to make sense now and she almost never gets an idiom wrong anymore. Tim actually applauds when she does. He says it makes her Ziva and he doesn't like that she's changed so much.
She dumped her boyfriend by the way. Don't know if Abby mentioned it. She never tells me what you two talk about. She says it's private and that if you wanted me to know you would tell me. I doubt it.
Smith, the new Probie, almost got fired two weeks ago because he fired his gun in the office. It was an accident but we're all still trying to figure out what he was doing. Vance called him into his office and we didn't see him for another two hours. Abby says we need to lay off him but Tim readily encourages the little bit of hazing. After all both Tim and Ziva want revenge after all the years I picked on them.
I'm still looking after your house for you but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to. I know you're not coming back. You keep telling me that you are but I know better. I started boxing up things yesterday. I'll give it a while longer but eventually I'm stopping the water and the gas and leaving. I can't stay in this house by myself anymore. There are too many memories and I still hate you for leaving me without a decent explanation.
I really don't know why I still write you these letters. You've never answered any of them but I know you're getting them. I peaked at one of Abby's once and I know you told her you read them. It pisses me off to know that you are purposefully not responding. I think I've written almost a dozen letters to you in the past year alone and I figured out after the fourth one that you weren't going to write back. And that sucks Gibbs, it really does.
I don't know what you're looking for or why you needed to leave to find it. I always thought that we were your family. I always believed you when you said you loved me. But I've tried to accept that you weren't as happy here as you always said. Okay then.
I don't want you to read this and think I don't love you anymore because that isn't true. Hate to use a cliché but it's true really that there will always be a place for you in my heart. You were the first person to really understand me for all my flaws and insecurities. You showed me the best and worst of myself. And I think I'll always hate you for that.
You told me once that Jenny had once wrote you a Dear John letter to end your relationship. Well sorry to disappoint you, Jethro, but I'm sending you another one. I can't live this half-life anymore. I'm done and I can no longer give you my time, my waiting, and my resilience. I can't have you in my life anymore no matter what capacity it's in. You have destroyed all that is left I what I felt for you that first night we slept together. I don't think I'll ever get it back.
I hope you read this letter and feel the pain in my words. I hope it haunts you and you wake up in the night and read through it once more because you can't bear not to know. But no matter what you think of this letter I never want you to come back. Don't come back to D.C. and don't come back to NCIS. You can come back to your house but not until next week. I should be moved out by then.
I don't care if you talk to Abby or Tim or Ziva or Ducky but I don't want to hear from you. Don't come over, don't call, and don't write. This has to be a cold farewell or else I just can't bear it. It's all or nothing. And I pick nothing.
I want nothing more than for you to be happy. But at the same time I really want you to be as miserable as I am. Have a good life, Jethro. I'll see you in the next one.
Tony
A/N: This is the first time I've ever posted a fic in the form of a letter and I hope it isn't just completely depressing. Lately my muse hasn't been pushing happy fics and this was all I could get from it. It's also the first fic I've done that has a cold opening, with no title or intro at all. That was weird for me and my OCD is still twitching a bit.
There may be a few errors because I didn't feel like proofreading (sue me). But I will get around to fixing it up if need be, just let me know. This is very sad but it's supposed to be. I'll have some happy fics up soon.
Please review and let me know if it's good. I'd really appreciate it.
sl
PS. Another quick note: I have a poll up on my profile about what fic I should do next. Please go check it out and vote!
Disclaimer: NCIS is the property of Donald P. Bellisario and Don McGill.