AN
Disclaimer
: Insert standard disclaimers because I don't need to tell I don't own Digimon, Rayearth, or Nadesico, now do I?For
: All those pen pals of mine that never tell me to shut up when I just know they wish I would. You all know who you are! And for all the people with me on their author alert and favs. And mainly to all those stubborn Mimato fans out there! ^-^~**~
Holding forbidden feelings within
I watched the chime of prisms reflected the glittering mid-day sunlight, filling the room with small rainbows dancing across the painted walls. The sky was a sparkling blue making the world seem cheerful and radiant. Cottony fluff clouds rolled across the sky just waiting for some one to spot a rabbit or elephant in the whiteness. It was in one word beautiful. All of God's wonders at their best. Spring had come to New York.
Today was a perfect day. One that called for picnic under the old oak trees. Time to feed the ducks and window shop. All the flowers were in bloom and the breeze floating in through my open window brought in the sweet fragrances mingling together.
Yes. Today was beautiful. Something to look forward to. Everything was perfect. Just the right time for everything joyful and wonderful to take place. Or so for the moment.
It was spring and the season brings rain. Although skies showed no signs of storm clouds rolling in to water the world it was going to rain. You can tell sometimes by the air it's self. The way the trees blow and how the animals would act. That and the weatherman said so.
Not that I cared. Wasn't as if we couldn't use the rain. Every living thing on this earth needs the rain. Including the neighbor's flowers that make me sneeze to the birds with the nest in the tree next to my window who think it's a sin for me to sleep until noon. Everything needs rain to survive.
Of course my needs for the rain were more selfish then the rose bushes out back.
Isn't it funny how almost anything you tell a child they'll believe. From Santa to monsters under the bed. If you seem sincere enough a child will believe it all.
Sometimes I wonder if the ones telling the lies believe it as well. But the point here is that a child has a certain type of innocent that let's them believe. They never stop to think if it's the truth. They just leave cookies sitting out and pull the blankets over their heads. Some may say they're naive but I believe other wise.
I was once like that I believed in magic, wishes, and dreams. Then I grew up and lost that innocence about me. But it still doesn't keep me from lingering in the past.
I was once told when I asked why the sky rained that the heaven shed tears for some one on the earth were they them selves wouldn't have to cry or be sad. And I believed every word of it.
"If you believe that I guess that's all that matters."
Rain actually brings some people joy. Some people actually find happiness in the rain.
There are few things in this life that bring me true happiness. The laughter of my parents early in the morning while they drink their fifth cup of coffee. The taste of melted caramel, chocolate, and toffee covered popcorn in my ice cream. Letters in the mail addressed to me even if it is junk mail. Letting the wind comb my hair. The smell of chocolate chips melting in the oven. My friends laughs and giggles. Palmon and her new fount anime obsession. His smile and knowing I caused it.
"Exactly how many pictures do you plan on taking anyway, I'm getting tried of smiling like an idiot to please all you people."
For someone that smiled hardly ever in the beginning it was a superb feeling to know I help that smile of his appear even if it only lasted for a brief moment. I suppose at times he was scared of happiness matter less smiling. Smirking was something he did quite often but a genuine smile was something special to come by.
I fount myself wanting to make him smile quite often. At first I thought I just wanted to be a good friend. I don't know why I wanted to be friends with him, with any of them for that matter. There was just something different about him. I'd never meet some one like him. So, well moody. Most of the people I came in contact with were nothing of the sort.
Up until that moment I meet him and the others I had lived nothing but a sheltered life after all I was an only child. I'll never know what possessed my parents to send me to summer camp in the first place perhaps it was just fate it's self that sent me there but what ever it was I thank it.
Because it gave me the chance to do what I wanted. Make him happy even for just a moment. Whether he was just teasing me to see how mad I'd get or just something I said or did. But I gave that boy back his smile. Not that it matters any more. It's not up to me to make him smile no matter how much I want it to be. His smile belongs to her now.
Thoughts of you fill my heart
I wonder if it will rain today. All this sunlight annoys me so. I wonder if it raining back there in Odaiba right now.
I miss Odaiba. It's home. I have nothing against New York or America at that but it isn't home and I suppose it will never be. I miss everything about it. I grew up there. Most of my childhood took place in Odaiba. Most of the memories I cherish the most were made back there. Rest of my family and my friends are back there including him.
But he's with her now so it really doesn't matter much any way. I wonder why it so hard to get use to the fact that they're together?
The sakura* trees are in bloom now. I refuse to say cherry blossom trees even though almost everything I say now a day is in English. Leaving the name in Japanese keeps the magic alive for me. It let's me hold on to the days once lived. Memories from the past.
I once believe in sakura fairies. Another tale I had been told as a child. I believed that fairies lived inside all sakura trees that granted your wishes. If you heart was pure enough and your wishes were not selfish your wishes would come true.
I told him this once when we ran into each other during Hanami*. He only laughed as we rode on the ferries wheel together looking over all the trees in bloom and the festivities below.
I remember thinking how different he looked in his azure yukata* and smiling when he asked me what I wished for. Not that I would have ever told him then or now. I'm not quite sure how he would have reacted if I told him I asked the fairies to let him find something to make him happy. Maybe there are fairies in the branches of the sakura trees watching everyone and granting wishes. Who am I to disagree with it? After all he fount her and she makes him happy.
"Since you're so obsessed with cherry blossoms I believe you should have been named Sakura instead of Mimi, it suits you better anyway."
But the angst and frustration is enough to bring me to tears
I wish it would rain. We need rain any way.
It's memories like from when we rode the ferries wheel together until I got sick or the time during my last star festival in Japan when he carried me home after I sprained my ankle on his back that hurt the most.
If I never left Odaiba I would have never known why memories of him would bring me pain. Back when I was so close to him I never knew I had slowly fallen in love with the boy. I wouldn't have let myself believe it anyway. Because falling for him was just asking for heartache and that's what I got. Not that he ever did it intentional. He's not the type to hurt his friends. Neither is she, which makes it so hard.
All these emotions build up inside me until I don't know whether to laugh or scream. It's funny I suppose. Or it would be if it were happening to anyone but me. I guess that makes me selfish and I suppose I am. Because I want him and can't have him. I'm not sure if there has ever been anything I wanted in this life and couldn't have other then the move from Japan to America. Ironic isn't it.
"Don't break too many of those American boys heart's while you're over there."
Damn irony.
Those eyes with which you look upon her
If it weren't her he loved instead of me it wouldn't hurt so much. Some nameless girl that I'd never meet. Never even heard of matter less knew. Then it be all right to envy her. To be jealous of the fact that he returns her love.
But she's not some nameless girl. And I know her. She's my best friend excluding Michael. I hate every moment of not being happy for her. My best friend.
I'm supposed to be. I truly know this. She would be happy for me. I know she would even if I was the one that got him and she was the one with unrequited love. That what makes her such a better person then me. A better person for him.
Shouldn't their happiness bring me happiness as well? After all didn't I only want him to be happy always? And shouldn't I want to see her happy as well?
"Mimi-Chan explain to me how you can actually be so damn cheerful at the moment?"
Don't you just love the green eye monster?
I'm certain they will never falter
Would it rain already?
Even if the others or even she her self doesn't know it he'll always love her. I know he will because I know him. Corny as it may sound.
He'll never hurt her on purpose. I know this because he's been hurt too many times himself. Just like her. That's why they are perfect for each other whether I want to believe it or not. They help each other erase all the bad memories and make better ones instead.
Funny how I wanted to do that for him.
"Sometimes I wonder about you."
But just for a moment, just for a short moment please look at me
It doesn't matter if I know deep down she's the one for him. You think I haven't told myself this over and over. Trust me it doesn't help any. You'd think with an ocean between him and myself I could get over this crush of mine. But you know what they say about distance only making the heart grow fonder.
Maybe if I move back to Odaiba I can get over it. Then again seeing them together might hurt me worse then thinking about it.
Even though I know he's with her doesn't meaning I still don't hope or dream. Which makes it even worse. I wouldn't wish these feelings upon anyone even that girl in my gym class. No one deserves to hurt the way I do. Every waking moment I feel empty and hollow. Nothing seems important to me any more. All but that someone I can't have.
"What to give for the girl who has everything?"
If I were to meet you sooner than anyone else
It hurts. More then anything it hurts. I want to hate them both. Him and her. It makes things so much simpler. I've tried. No matter how wrong it was I tried to hate them. But I fount that I couldn't. I couldn't hate either of them. Because I love them both so much.
Hating them wouldn't make the emptiness go away it only makes it worse. So I go on being her friend. Pretending that I'm happy for her. Listen to all the bad things she has to say about him when she doesn't mean a one. Listening to her talking about him and hearing the tone of pure happiness in her voice.
The same follows with him. I keep up my act where he'll never know I love him. I'll never tell and that's the way it will stay. I don't want either of them regretting the feeling of love. I wouldn't want her to hate herself and wish she never made him smile or risk that he'd hate himself for hurting me which I know he would.
"You think things would be different if you never moved away from Odaiba; from us?"
Would I have been able to love you just as I long to do?
Who would have ever thought I would be in this situation? Classify me under all the other morons that fell for him. I could have almost anyone I want. I know this. I'm not modest. I won't lie to you because it's true. Half the guys at school would give up their right arm or more to go out with me. Why? Because I look nice in a skirt and I have money to burn. Simple as that. But that's not what I want.I want someone to love me for who I am inside and I want that someone to be him.
It might seem cruel and heartless but I'm usually the one breaking hearts not having my own broken instead. I suppose what goes around does come back around. Don't you just love it when that happens? I know I do.
I don't want to love him because I can't love him. She's the only one allowed to love him like I do. But it isn't easy to dismiss feelings.
Having someone to talk to about this would make things so much easier I guess. Keeping it to myself like this is only making me sick. But who is there to tell anyway? Surely not one of my friends in Odaiba and I'm not sure if Michael or the other digi-destined in America would understand me anyway.
It hurts so much to be alone. I wonder if this is how he used to feel all those years ago. And ever time I wonder this I feel awful. Because now he doesn't have to be alone anymore and I can't be happy for him.
"When you have friends your never truly alone no matter how much distance is between you."
One more time, one more time I know he'll never care for me like I do him but it doesn't mean I
don't want to be there near him. I'm happy when I with him. I don't seem to care
anymore if it wrong to be happy when I'm near him. Long as I know he happy when
he's with her. Long as we're happy why does it matter? But I can't be happy when
I with him that what matters. "What ever floats your boat princess." If I were born to meet you again Sometimes I do wonder if things would have been different if I stayed
in Japan. When I stop feeling sorry for myself and think back on all the happy
times I smile and the heartache goes away. And mixed in these happy memories are
things he said or did that make me wonder. There were times when he did things that didn't seem important or
strange back then but now they make a girl think that things could have been
different between us. Maybe they were for awhile. That time he took up for me when we were younger didn't seem like much
back then but it had started trouble. All because he stood up for me when I need
some one too. Perhaps thing would have been different. Or maybe that's only wishful
thinking. "We could of had some fun together." Please let me be your very own I know one of these days I'm going to be over him. But it takes time
for the heart to heal. So I'm waiting for it to do that. I'm waiting to fall in
love with some one else. I'm waiting for someone to love me in return. I'm
waiting to be happy for him and her. But right now it seems that all I can do is
love him and want him to love me back. "People throw the term love around so much the true meaning of love has
been lost." You're number one Rain would be good right now. I need the rain because it hurts so much
and I don't want to give in. I haven't yet. I've been strong so far and I want
to continue to be. It wouldn't be right to give in. It wouldn't help. It won't
make the heartache or pain go away. It probably just going to make it worse.
Although I'm not quite sure it can get any worse then this. But knowing
my luck I'd say the odds are against me. "Trust me it not going to help you any." One more time, one more time I refuse to be selfish any more. I'm going to find away to be happy for
both of them. Maybe not today but I will be happy for them. Because the
happiness of the people I love brings me happiness. It's just sometimes I'm too
blind to see this. I love them both. Him and her. They're my friends and I love every
friend I have. Losing either is one thought I can't bear. So I'm going to just
have to get over these feelings I have towards him. They have programs for
everything now a day. Why wouldn't they have a twelve-step program to get over
loving your best friend boy friend? "You change emotions with the drop of a hat, don't
you?" If I was born to meet you again It was fate that brought us altogether in the beginning and maybe it
was fate that brought them together. So be it. I can live through this I'm a
strong person. Aren't I? "Ironically enough you're one of the strongest people I
know." Please let me be your very own I want to be strong. I do ever so much. There are so many things right
now I want to be. Strong. Happy. Loved. Unselfish. So many thing I long to be at
the very moment and I don't know if I can do any of them. Do I need to be any of them at this very moment? Is it so
important to get over him right this second? Why can't I go on loving him awhile
longer? You're number one... The sky thunders and lighting crashes. The crystal blue sky is now a
dim gray and the rabbits in the sky are gone. For once the weatherman knew what
he was talking about. At least I got one of my wishes. It's raining here in New
York City. Spring has brought rain. But not to me. For the rain has come too late
for me. Because the heavens aren't crying for me today. I feel them now.
They've been there for some time now. But I decided to ignore them up until now.
It doesn't matter any longer that I'm crying. I don't think it matters anyway.
I've been holding these tears back for a long time. Too long. I needed
to cry. Only when I cry for him and myself will I finally be able to be happy
for them. Once I cry enough I'll be able to think about Yamato with Sora and
smile. Then I can truly be happy. For us all. I'm still glad it raining because even if the heavens aren't crying me
they're crying where someone else won't be sad instead. "Sometimes everyone just needs to cry." ~**~ Last Long Annoying AN:
Sakura:
Oh come on you have to know this means cherry blossom. You do don't you?Hanami:
The viewing of cherry blossoms. ^-^Yukata:
a light cotton kimono worn in summer.Shout out:
I'm sorry DigitalAnimeFox for not having your story done (that is of course if you even read this) but I had to do this you just know I had to being me and all. If your reading this Starchick forgive me for making it so long! I'm long winded. It sucked didn't it? Thank you Child of Fairies for giving me encouragement to go on with a somewhat sequel to 'When Angels Cry'. Although I wouldn't quite call this a sequel... Let's call it a prequel! And last but not least to Taigurl if your reading this I'm going to have to worship you (okay praise you). But it's nice to see you've really joined all us Mimato fans on the dark side! :laughs insanely:Okay thanks to everyone that read this. I pity you for sitting through it. It was long, depressing, and sucked real bad. So if you like now you can run or review my story. I might be working on a AU future fic with the original digi-destined children which is along way from 02 ending. Or if enough people would like I could write *ahem* a story were Sora and Yamato are wondering if they made the right choice. :Dodge Flying Fruit And Veggies: Plus I have a long complicated Sailor Earth story in my head. Yes I like SM, gotta problem with that?