MCD: MY FRUKIN GAWD, I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME, IT TOOK THIS LONG TO WRITE ONE GODDAMNED FIC. I'M SO SORRY! However, you can thank J.V. Hart's "Capt. Hook: Adventures of a Notorious Youth" for inspiring me to do this. That's where I got most of the (probably old-timey) weird British speak from~
Gentleman Pirates VS. Chopstick Ninjas
Inuyasha threw a bubbly grin in the direction of the shaggy blonde-headed male, who was clearly intoxicated.
"B-hic-bastard! You say what you not speak of knowing!" the Englishman half sobbed, half growled, as he glared at his drinking buddy across the counter. Even his English was broken at this point, his Japanese having gone out the window after the first cup. Or was it the second? Inuyasha couldn't tell anymore, after concluding that his originally five-fingered hand had somehow grown a seventh digit.
"Oh really? And has your unicorn-what's-his-face monster told you that? No, wait, you - oh, what did you say - bloody, that's what it is! Wait, did your bloody pirate buddy Captain Hook convince you that I was a demon?" Inuyasha roared with laughter at the Brit's enlightened look.
"You can spot them too? ABSOLUTELY RIPPING! Smashing, I say! I thought I'd gone bonkers!" Inuyasha collapsed under the sushi table that had been substituted for a bar, the mix of alcoholic beverages and lack of oxygen finally knocking him off of his feet. Honestly, he'd thought he would be in for a boring night with his British crush Arthur, but luckily he'd found his friend Kiku's secret stash of sake, rum, and various other alcoholic beverages when he was closing up the sushi restaurant for the night. What had, at first, been a few stolen sips, quickly turned into an all-out drinking fest.
"My god, Artie! I bet even your Deutschy friend Ludwig would be impressed with how much you've downed!" Inuyasha exclaimed in a fake British accent, pathetically pulling himself back up to the wooden counter top and onto his bar stool. Arthur raised a glass and rolled his head back, exclaiming loudly.
"Topping swank to that, my dearest friend~!" he bellowed with a hearty laugh, and Inuyasha grinned, slamming his sake cup into Arthur's glass of rum, sloshing both beverages over the table. "CHEERS!"
"Che-hic-eers!" Inuyasha yelped and Arthur swayed back and forth on his chair, a high smile lighting up his face.
"Y'know, Cappy Hook is a true Brit! He's a godsend out o' many, I tell ye! Out of all the unworthy scugs that act all sc-hic-scummy-chum with us, there's none I want to run through the brisket with even a dull shilling more than that bastard Francis! That fud-faced rounder, I want to go beak on 'im and smack 'im in the arse with the flat of a blade 'til he's so fagged out 'e squeals like swine! I'd rather suck a dead dog's nose than even step a guillotine's distance toward a bed wit' tha -hic- cheesy surrender monkey!" Arthur thundered indignantly, slamming his mug down onto the wooden surface and standing up, as if to launch himself into a fight. Inuyasha stared at Arthur, his amusement plain as day.
"I understood hardly a word of that, but it seems to me that the gentlemanly pirate's got himself an enemy?" Inuyasha mused, tipping his sake cup straight up to the ceiling. Had that light fixture always been there?
"Like Hell I do!" Arthur uttered, running a hand through his wild golden locks in disdain. "Bloody Frenchmen can't keep their hands off me booty, if ye get what I mean!" Inuyasha snorted, a shit-eating grin showing off his oddly large canines.
"Keh, I get whatcha mean! Hentai-head's gotta whatch what he does, he does!" Inuyasha chuckled maniacally, cracking his knuckles. "Baka is asking for a beating!"
"Pfffft!" Arthur sputtered loudly, slamming his hands onto the counter. "As if! Keep ye hands off me prey! I 'otta smack ye upside th' noggin for even su-jestin' that ye'd try an' touch me own opponent! The scum's mine t' bat around, landlubber!" Arthur raved, obviously convinced that he was now a pirate. Inuyasha rolled his eyes, holding back a snicker at the adorable man's raving and ranting.
"Oh please, you pathetic excuse for a bloody pirate! I'm a ninja! I could stab you seven ways to Sunday with a pair of chopsticks!" Inuyasha grabbed a set of the thin, wooden utensils from underneath the counter and ripped off the paper covering, jabbing at Arthur, who barely managed to parry the thrust with a nearby napkin holder.
"En garde~!" Inuyasha exclaimed, jumping up from the stool to to slash at his friend with the faux "swords". Arthur scowled and blocked the slashes with the metal napkin holder, creating a dull smacking sound.
"Dare ye speak the bloody frogs' language in me presence!?" he hollered, grabbing a set of chopsticks from a nearby table. "And I thought ye were to be a ninja! Bad form, dog breath, bad form!" in an impressive show of drunken combat, Arthur lunged forward and swiped at Inuyasha multiple times, launching an array of complicated, swift, and elegant attacks upon his poor Japanese friend. Inuyasha quite literally yelped every time he was rapped across the knuckles or poked in the chest, even jabbed in the stomach once or twice.
"Bastard, I'll get you for that!" In an instant, Inuyasha had somehow managed to leap over the counter top and had balanced himself on one of the stools, his toes bent in painful directions as he steadied himself. He looked like a gargoyle or some other predator, hunched and waiting to strike, a cocky smirk upon his chapped lips. Begrudgingly, Arthur admitted in his mind that he did indeed look like a ninja, albeit a ridiculous drunken demon one dressed in a red t shirt and ripped-up-at-the-knees blue denim jeans. Arthur stood, slightly entranced in his drunken state, staring at the long, rough, albino hair that fell unrealistically in front of Inuyasha's stunning golden eyes. Now that was a treasure worth plundering for.
Quite literally, Inuyasha's pair of chopsticks snapped him out of his reverie when he smacked them against Arthur's eyebrows.
"You'd be dead, pirate boy!" Inuyasha scoffed, but a smrik shone brightly on his face. Oh, how Arthur had longed to wipe it off his face in a most raucous manner at that moment... If Arthur's suddenly haughty smirk wasn't warning enough, the rapacious gleam that suddenly shone in his eyes should have been more than enough.
"I ain't the resident bastard here, matey," Arthur smirked at Inuyasha's irked expression, "And I know ye wouldn' kill me. Ye be too soft around th' chest-ial area," his voice had dropped an octave and was now laced with lust and amusement. Inuyasha felt his face heat up but refused to acknowledge the lump that had decided to lodge itself in his throat. Arthur lazily waved a chopstick in a general circle at Inuyasha's chest, where his heart was located. His other arm dangled lazily as he leaned against the booth table, his elbows propped up on the surface. Inuyasha couldn't help but smack himself mentally at the sexy pose that seemed to be getting the better of him. "Although, I wouldn't mind findin' out for meself~"
And just like that, Inuyasha had been barreled into and pushed over the counter top, shouting out in shock as he landed with a solid thump on the floor. Arthur had practically head butted him over the fucking counter! Just how drunk was the stupid bloke!?
Inuyasha was brought out of his angered thoughts as piercing emerald seemed to bore into his very being from, in both of their opinions, too far above. Arthur had stumbled up the stool and now stood on top of the counter, staring hungrily down at the other man. Inuyasha gulped when Arthur licked his lips.
In a flash, Arthur hopped down from the counter and landed, his feet on either side of the poor Japanese man, making him cry out and lift his hands above his head. Bad move on his part. Hastily, Arthur moved one of his feet and placed it on Inuyasha's hands, not enough to hurt, but just enough to pin him down. And put Inuyasha in the perfect position to stare at the man's crotch. Needless to say, Inuyasha's face was flushed with much more than intoxication.
Chuckling, Arthur leaned down close to Inuyasha's face, inadvertently putting more pressure on the unfortunate man's hands and making him whimper. Arthur shuddered in pleasure at the sound but leaned his arm against the wall behind Inuyasha so that he wouldn't break his hands. No, they would be required in one piece and fully functional in just a few moments, if all went according to plan. But then again, when did a pirate ever make perfect plans?
"As much as I enjoy th' sound o' you whimperin' beneath me, you might want 'ta save your breath, cos' I'm about to steal it away~" Arthur murmured next to Inuyasha's ear, making him shiver and his face heat up. Slowly, so that he wouldn't allow the dog-loving idiot a chance of escape, Arthur's hand slowly slithered up the dog's arm teasingly, watching with glee as goose bumps stood out against his skin and he shivered at the light, brushing, teasing contact. He took hold of the dogs wrists and applied pressure, making sure that Inuyasha wouldn't be able to move. Finally, Arthur was freed from his uncomfortable stretching position as he moved, straddling Inuyasha's waist. He took twisted pride in the pleased shudder that made Inuyasha's body roll beneath him as their bodies finally touched.
Inuyasha opened his clouded golden eyes long enough to glare weakly at his captor, who was now gazing at him with half-lidded eyes. Suddenly, Arthur got that mischievous look in his eyes again and he leaned down, his lips mere centimeters from Inuyasha's. Their bodies were pressed tightly against each others', almost desperately. Inuyasha had no doubt in his mind that Arthur did not work out like he did, yet he was somehow able to remain just as sexy as ever. He could feel Arthur's light, toned muscles against his own chiseled chest. He could just imagine shredding the Brit's annoying shirt off to finally, finally run his fingers tauntingly up that pale expanse of smooth skin, to feel the way his heart pounded beneath skin, bone, and muscle, to hear his deep, shallow breaths and moans, to taste Arthur's lips on his, tongues tangoing, limbs locked together, clothes strewn about carelessly as he-
"My my, someone's getting ahead of themselves, aren't they~?" Arthur smirked and rolled his hips on top of Inuyasha's. It was all the dog could do to keep from moaning wantonly, so he opted to bite his lip instead. "Go ahead, say it~ Then I might… relieve you of your little problem~" Arthur hummed. He was having too much fucking fun with this. Inuyasha glared at Arthur, about to make a nasty retort, but Arthur grinded into him harshly and he groaned, needy. It's hard to look angry when your chest is heaving and your face is flushed red, Inuyasha learned.
"Say…say what, you asshole…?" Inuyasha panted, snarling. He wriggled and writhed, making Arthur bite back a moan of his own at the delicious friction, but alas, he did not budge. Arthur glared down at the Japanese man, and, leaning down, he kissed him. This time, Inuyasha moaned loudly at the taste of Arthur's tongue against his, the flavor of previously consumed rum, sake, and vodka blatantly obvious, but also paired with a flavor that was just Arthur's, and Inuyasha couldn't get enough of it. Pulling back, Arthur smirked at the needy, guttural whine his companion produced and he paused, flicking his adorably pink tongue out to wet his lips and sever the thin string of saliva connecting their mouths.
Pressing his chest further into Inuyasha's with another rutting motion, Arthur held firm Inu's hands when he jerked, trying to buck further into his love. Arthur grunted and huffed, using his free hand to sneak up Inuyasha's chest, beneath his shirt, smirking evilly. He leaned down past Inuyasha's clenched eyes and down to his ear, which was oddly pointy, but the Brit paid no attention to that small detail. Instead, he whispered;
"Admit it, you old dog… Pirates are better than ninjas~"
Gentleman Pirates VS. Chopstick Ninjas
MCD: And so, I shall be a cock block and stop here. Who knows, I might just write a little smut, if I'm encouraged enough~