"Latte?" I asked Kurt while we sat down. He smiled. "This is Wes and David," I explained, gesturing towards my two friends sitting next to me.
"It's very civilized for you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying," Kurt said, sounding slightly afraid.
"We are not going to beat you up," Wes smiled a little, reading my mind.
David chuckled a little while he replied. "You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of...endearing."
"Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came." I continued.
Kurt was very hesitant in his next statement. He was clearly nervous and I could understand why. He was with three guys he barely knew at a school that held his rival glee club where he had just seen one of our best performances yet. "Can I ask you guys a question?" We all nodded slowly, as if to say we were okay with whatever was coming, no matter how dumb of a question it was. "Are you guys all gay?"
We all laughed and glanced at each other before I replied. "Uh, uh no. I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends."
"This is not a gay school; we just have a zero-tolerance harassment policy," David explained. Kurt was shocked. I was still in disbelief after being at Dalton for almost a full year.
"Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple," Wes agreed.
Kurt looked like he was either going to smile or cry. He was still nervous, scared. I tilted my head, trying to figure out what he needed me to say. "Would you guys excuse us?"
Wes and David both stood up and started to walk away. "Take it easy, Kurt," Wes said as they grabbed their coffee and walked away. Kurt was hesitant to even look at me. I saw so much of my freshman self in him that it was scary. Afraid to make eye contact, afraid to speak my feelings, afraid to be myself.
"I take it you're having trouble at school." I said, trying to put all of the pieces together.
"I'm the only person out of the closet at my school," Kurt admitted. I still didn't know which school he was from but I assumed he went to McKinley; they were our biggest competitors for sectionals this year. Kurt nodded and let a tear fall. "And I-I tried to stay strong about it but...there's this neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell. And nobody seems to notice." He shook his head in denial, wishing what he was saying wasn't true.
In my head, it took me a long time to decide what to say next. Did I really want to tell some kid from McKinley that I barely knew my entire life story? I knew that the coming out of the closet story was pretty common and people weren't generally ashamed after this long but it still scared me to think of everything that had happened. "I know how you feel," I finally admitted. "I got taunted at my old school, and it really...pissed me off. I even complained about it to the faculty, and they were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that nobody really cared. It was like, 'Hey, if you're gay, your life's just gonna be miserable. Sorry. Nothing we can do about it.' So I left and I came here. Simple as that."
But it really wasn't nearly as simple as that. In fact, it was much more complicated. It all started one day after school in October.
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"Hey Blaine, let's work on the car tonight after dinner with the Jensens," my dad suggested, talking over the TV. There was a football game on. I was working on homework so I wasn't paying as much attention to the game as I usually did. I hadn't come out yet but I knew I was gay and everybody had their suspicions; I was a dorky freshman in glee club, theater, and student council after all. I didn't make the football team or the basketball team because I was too small and all of my popular, athletic friends from middle school had abandoned me for cheerleader girlfriends and their brand new upperclassmen friends. My only allies were glee club losers and theater nerds who I'll admit, I was not the nicest to. The only person from middle school that I was still close friends with was Eliza Montgomery.
We met in sixth grade. At the time, I was really confused about my sexuality. I was always taught that boys like girls so that's how I figured I was supposed to be. I didn't have the same attraction to girls as all of my friends and I had a few crushes on guys when I was younger. When all the boys in kindergarten said Jane was pretty, I was focused on Tarzan and his strong muscles and chest. When I got to the awkward middle school years, I was never into watching the lesbian or straight porn like all of my friends. I went straight to the gay stuff. Anytime my mom would ask me if I liked any girls in school, I just told her there wasn't anyone in particular and she told me it was because I still hadn't gone through puberty yet. She said my friends just matured faster, but I knew that wasn't true. By that point, the whole thing was pretty obvious to me. I used to sit next to my mom pretending to do my homework while she watched ER and of course, whenever she looked at me I would go back to algebra, but most of my time was spent admiring George Clooney. Then came Maroon 5's breakout album "Songs About Jane". I spent at least two hours every night watching music videos, mostly to stare at Adam Levine. I brushed it off and figured it would be easier for everyone if I left it alone.
One day, my friends were harassing me about who I "liked" and I didn't want to seem weird since I was the only one who didn't like a girl. I blurted out the first name I could think of and it happened to be the girl who sat next to me in my third period math class.
My best friend at the time, Joe, told Liza's friend about my "crush" and Liza's friend told a few more people and eventually everyone knew, including Liza. She acted really awkward around me the next day in math and I was the same way. It stayed like this for a few weeks until I finally decided to talk to her. Joe was making fun of me and trying to get me to ask her to hang out, so I did. We went to the movies and figured out we actually got along really well. We went to see Dreamgirls, which probably should have given her a warning sign since I was more into the movie than she was.
We started hanging out all the time; she kind of became my new best friend and soon replaced Joe. It was the beginning of eighth grade when I came to terms with being gay. There was this really cute guy who I played football with and about halfway through the season, I started talking to people on these online chat room things about having feelings for guys and how to know if you're gay and that's when it came to me: the reason I never liked girls was because I always liked guys. I accepted it fairly quickly compared to some of the guys I had talked to. I knew I couldn't change and I knew there wasn't anything wrong with it, but I still felt like I had to hide it. My parents were very conservative and religious and sort of frowned upon homosexuality. It wasn't very common in Ohio so I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. My friends made gay jokes all the time and I didn't want everyone to hate me or make fun of me. Still, I knew I needed to tell someone.
On Valentine's Day, I went over to Liza's house to watch romantic comedies because neither of us had plans. Around 7 that night, she started to cuddle up to me. After the movie was over, I sat up and faced her. "Liza, can I tell you something?" I asked, fearing what her reaction would be.
"Sure, what is it?" She smiled at me, but her lips were quivering. I think she was nervous. Of course we look back on this moment and laugh now, but it was freaking both of us out.
"You have to promise not to tell anyone." By this point, we told each other almost everything. I knew about almost all of her secrets and she knew the majority of mine. But the biggest secret was getting to be too much to hide from her and I wanted to be able to talk it out with my best friend. She nodded in agreement and I knew she wouldn't have a problem keeping the secret. "I...I'm...gay." I whispered the word "gay", still feeling afraid of what she might say.
She moved back a little, thrown off by what I had said. "What?"
"I like boys...not girls. I started having this crush on a guy on the football team...I always knew something was wrong. I guess I just didn't label it until recently. I'm sorry I've kept it a secret for so long. I hope this doesn't change anything." I looked down and then off to the side, avoiding eye contact.
After giving it some thought, she looked at me again. "Cool," she grinned at me. "I mean it sucks that I have no chance now because you're pretty awesome. But I'm definitely cool with this. And I promise I won't tell anyone until you're ready."
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into a hug. "Thanks for being the best friend in the world."
So that's how the coming out process started for me. Most of the kids my age that I talk to say they came out to their best friend first. I'm pretty grateful mine was so understanding. But I guess telling Liza was the beginning of the end.
By the time October came, nothing had really changed. Liza and I were closer than ever but I had lost most of my old friends. I also felt really anxious all of the time because I didn't want my parents to find out, especially my dad, who wasn't any better than freshmen boys with the gay jokes. The Jensens were family friends we had known for years. They moved out of the neighborhood a while ago but we still got together every so often to catch up. They had a daughter a few years younger than me named Lucy that was a spoiled brat and I hated spending time with them because I was always forced to hang out with her. I was about to go to my room to get ready for dinner when my dad spoke again. "Blaine, since you're in high school now, I think it would be okay if you'd like to bring a friend to dinner tonight. Maybe that girl, Eliza?" He suggested. My parents didn't really understand that Liza and I were just friends, especially my dad. He always thought we had something else going on.
"I guess I can ask Liza if she wants to come," I shrugged and went up to my room to text her and get ready for dinner. She texted back that she would love to come so I told her we would pick her up on our way.
By the time we got to dinner, I had filled Liza in on our history with the Jensens and everything she needed to know before dinner. They were even more conservative than my parents. We sat down with the Jensens at our table near the back of the country club dining room and the questions instantly began. "So, Blaine, how is school going this year?" "Are you still playing football?" "What's your favorite class?" "Who's your favorite teacher?" And then the real question came from Mrs. Jensen. "Oh my goodness, I'm so rude. I completely forgot to ask. Eliza, right? Are you his girlfriend?"
Liza and I looked at each other and laughed a little. "No, we're just friends," I replied.
"Are you sure? You two look awfully close," Mr. Jensen argued. I was getting a little bit annoyed with always having to hide myself from people and Liza was getting sick of covering for me, though she would always do so if needed.
"Yep. I'm sure," I nodded.
That's when Lucy decided to be a brat again. "Sure looks like you're dating. You keep touching her and stuff. And you always post pictures on Instagram together hugging and being really cute." Of course the little middle school girl obsessed with high school drama was the one to cross lines. That was the biggest problem I had with Lucy. "You should just date her already, Blaine. Or is she too good for you?"
"Lucy! Watch your mouth!" Mrs. Jensen scolded.
I shook my head. "It's not that, we just don't like each other like that. I don't want to date her and she doesn't want to date me."
"I agree, Lucy; these two would make a great couple," my father winked at me. All that anger was building up inside of me and I couldn't stand it any more. I hated hiding from everyone and having to answer the same questions over and over and over again. "Why aren't you two together, Blaine?"
The pressure was building inside my brain and despite Liza's comforting hand on my arm trying to keep me from doing something stupid, the word vomit fell out and I finally said, "I'm gay."
I'm not sure if it was my imagination or if I'm being overdramatic, but you could have heard a pin drop in the country club diner that night. It felt like everyone heard me and everyone was judging. The table was dead silent. Everyone just stared at me, even Lucy. Unable to handle the tension, I stood up and ran outside. I could not have escaped fast enough. Liza followed close behind me but there was no stopping me from collapsing into a major meltdown once I reached a secluded area outside. "Blaine…" She sat down next to me. I shook my head and fell into her arms. "It'll be okay."
What's funny about families is you think they're the people who are going to have your back through thick and thin. You think one day when you're 25 and about to start your own family, you'll still be spending holidays with your mom and dad and brother and everything will be fine. You think once you get through the teen years it will all be okay. But at that moment, I knew nothing would ever be the same again. My father would never look at me the way he looked at me when we went to football games or changed the oil on his car. My mother would never talk to me about girls again or try to give me advice on dealing with crushes. My brother would never give me a man to man pep talk again.
"I'm so stupid, Liza. Why would I do that? I should have just kept my mouth shut. Now everything...everything is ruined," I cried, lifting up my head in anger.
She looked up at me and sighed. "Blaine, they had to find out eventually. At least now they know and we can all work through it. Isn't this better than how it was before? Now you have nothing to hide." She paused and when I didn't say anything, she continued. "Maybe they won't be as mad as you thought."
I laughed sarcastically. "Have you met my parents?"
And just as I asked the question, my mother stepped into the area we were sitting, although she was avoiding eye contact. "Blaine, we're going home now. We'll talk when we get there." She walked to the car with my father slowly following behind her. "Eliza, do you need a ride home?"
Liza looked at me and then told my mom she was fine before giving me a quick hug, wishing me luck, and leaving.
Unconditional love is a weird thing. High school couples tell each other "I will always love you" like they mean it. When you're a kid and your parents are trying to make you confess something, they tell you they'll love you even if you did something dumb. As you get older, it's more serious issues. And when you're...special, or at least different than other people, different than what your parents want, you can't help but worry that they won't be so understanding. My parents' love may have been unconditional but as far as acceptance goes, they were the most homophobic people around.
But the thing that scared me most about going home with my parents wasn't the lectures or the feeling of not being wanted, it was the fact that the second they finished yelling at me for embarrassing them at the club and disappointing the family, they would start trying to change me. I knew the ex gay therapy and the biweekly church visits would begin. I would never be allowed out of the house for anything other than school and family gatherings. No one would know except my parents and Liza. We would tell the Jensens it was just a teenage attempt at rebellion. And that's exactly how my conversation with my parents went.
The worst part was the look on my dad's face. The disappointment. Shame. Humiliation. Degradation. After my mother went to bed, he stayed back to talk. But instead of talking he just stared at me and shook his head. I went to my room and cried into my pillow for hours. Before I knew it, it was 6 am and I hadn't slept. Liza stopped texting me at 2 and I spent at least 2 hours after that staring at the ceiling, terrified for the weeks to come.