So I'm kind of depressed today cause I had a horrible, no good day, and the rain isn't making it any better, and so I was in the mood for some good depressing music and thought I would write a fic to go along with it. You have been warned that this isn't a happy-go-lucky fic. At least the first chapter isn't. The song is by the amazing Dashboard Confessional. Please make my day better and review.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Monica let the rain fall down and made no attempt to quicken her pace or try to cover herself from it. She glanced up at the angry sky. It matched her mood. The rain made her tears invisible and so she let herself cry in public. Something that she rarely ever did. Her clothing was soaked through and she shivered for a variety of reasons including the cold wind that whipped the rain so that it stung as it pounded against her cheek. But more importantly, she had remembered that her apartment would be empty when she got back. Empty. As in no one there. Before back in her old life, her apartment would have always had someone there. One of her friends or her husband or......her husband. He was only one of the reasons that the tears were falling freely. She spotted her apartment building and walked into the dry lobby. She wiped the tears and rain from her face and pressed the elevator button. The doorman smiled at her.

"Caught in the rain Ms. Geller?" She managed a slight nod of the head.

"I'm not used to these sudden downpours," she told him. "It doesn't rain like this in New York."

"Well, we are known for our rain," Henry reminded her with a smile. She forced a smile.

"Yes, you are." The elevator arrived and she stepped on and leaned her head against the wall and waited until it opened on her floor and stepped out and rummaged for her key. She peeled off her soaked coat and hung it up as she took off her shoes and stuck them in the closet by the door and then walked back to her bathroom and grabbed a fluffy, white towel. Monica took off her wet clothes and turned the shower on and waited until it was warm before climbing in and beginning to cry again.

"When did it get this hard?" She asked out loud. There was no one to answer, because there was no one there. No one in Seattle. Her friends were all back in New York with her husband.

"Ex," she told herself. "He's your ex." She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her body and went into her bedroom to grab clean clothes and then grabbed a magazine and went into the living room. Her apartment in New York had been wonderful, but this apartment was gorgeous. It was one of Seattle's only redeeming features. She turned her attention to the miserable rain that continued to pound onto the city below. The phone rang and she reached over to grab it.

"Monica?"

"Hi Christopher," she said into the phone. For a moment she had hoped it was someone else calling to check up on her. No. He had stopped calling awhile ago. Why? She searched her brain. Oh, that's right, he had gotten married.

"Are we still on for tonight?"

"Yes, sure," she told him trying to be excited about it.

"Great, I'll pick you up at eight," he told her.

"Right, I'll see you then," she said hanging up the phone. She really didn't feel like having a full-blown conversation with him. She had been dating him for about two months. And it was nice. But that's all it was. It was not exciting or exhilarating or any of that. It was simply nice.

So this is a

painful realization that all has gone wrong

that nobody cares at all

and nobody cares at all

She was dressed in a black dress with a string of pearls around her neck. When had she become so conservative? She used to go all out when she dressed up for him. Plunging necklines and tight little dresses. Now, as she glanced in the mirror, she had become so unadventurous when it came to clothing. That's the way that Christopher liked her. Her once long hair was now shoulder length with blonde highlights throughout it. She had pulled it back into a twist and sighed as she glanced at herself in the mirror. She was not having fun. She was twenty-eight years old and she was not having any fun at all. She used to have fun. She used to have fun all the time. That was before she had gotten married, and before her marriage had fallen apart. She had lost everything. Her husband and her best friends. It was horrible, but she missed her friends more. Especially him. No, she shook her head and glanced into her closet at the box that was sitting on the floor. She kneeled down and picked up the shirt from the top of the box and took a deep breath into the cotton. Then she stopped her tears and straightened up. The tears would ruin her makeup. She buried the shirt below the rest of the pictures and tugged on her dress to smooth any wrinkles and heard her doorbell and walked out into the living room and opened the door.

"Hello," she said allowing him to kiss her on her cheek. She took her coat from the closet and allowed him to help her put it on. He extended his arm and she took it and left the apartment. They walked down to the lobby and out to his Mercedes and she climbed in the passenger seat and waited for him to get into the driver's seat as they drove towards the restaurant.

"So, how was your day?" she asked forcing small talk.

"It was okay," he shrugged. "I had board meetings all day. How was yours?"

"Not bad," she lied. "I got caught in the rain." He laughed.

"That's Seattle for you," he said and she managed to smile and nod. "Did you tape today?"

"Yes, the next two episodes. I'm going to New York, remember?"

"Ah, yes, for your nephew's birthday. I remember." She nodded. She was unsure about going back to New York. But it was Ben's birthday and she had never missed one of his birthdays yet. Even after she had moved away she had promised to fly back.

"I'll miss you," his voice broke her thoughts.

"Oh. I'll miss you too." Would she? It was hard to say. She had to admit that she probably wouldn't. Their food arrived relieving her from this small talk and she began to eat.

"Excuse me," the waitress said. "Are you Monica Geller?" Monica smiled and nodded.

"Yes I am."

"Oh my God! I watch your show every week! That cake that you made last week I just tried for my best friend's birthday."

"Did it work?"

"It was okay," both her and Monica laughed. "I hope our food is up to your standards."

"I'm sure that it will be," Christopher assured the waitress who nodded and asked Monica for her autograph. Monica obliged. That was another redeeming quality of Seattle. Her cooking show. She hardly believed that she was the host of a cooking show. Monica's Kitchen played just in Seattle as of then, but they were talking about going national in a few months. Memories flooded her brain. The night that the man had walked into the restaurant to congratulate the chef and told her that she was perfect. Just the type of person they were looking for. And she shuddered slightly when she remembered what he had yelled at her when she told them that she was moving to be the host of her own show.

"Did you sleep with him?" It had stung. It had hurt so badly that she had literally lost her breath for a moment.

"No!"

"He just hired you because you were nice to look at," he added before the rest of their friends told him to stop and told her that they were happy for her. That was the last time they had spoken. Did she really want to go back? Face him again? She couldn't say. But she couldn't not go and find out.

so you buried all your lover's clothes

and burnt the letters that lover wrote

but it doesn't make it any better

doesn't make it any better

Monica took a deep breath before raising her hand to knock on the door. Rachel pulled it open and squealed at the sight of her best friend.

"Monica!" She held out her arms and Monica let out the breath that she was holding and threw herself into her friend's grasp.

"Oh I missed you," Monica whispered into Rachel's hair.

"Us too," Rachel said pulling away. "Come in. Ross! Mon's here." Ross came out of the bedroom that he and Rachel now shared. What was once Monica's bedroom.

"Hey, my long-lost sister!" He picked her up and spun her around.

"Hi Ross."

"Honey, go get Joey and Chan....." Monica smiled at him.

"It's fine. You can go get them both." Rachel nodded and left the apartment to knock on the door across the hallway. Monica found that the knot had not left her stomach, but had just increased at the prospect of seeing him.

"Monica!" Joey came running into the apartment and hugged her tightly.

"Hi Joey," she said laughing. "You can let go." He laughed and loosened his grip on her. She saw Chandler hanging back in the doorway of the apartment.

"Hi Chandler," she said softly.

"Monica." He disappeared from the doorway and she untangled herself from Joey to follow him. She shut the door behind her as she faced him in the hallway. She could see the dent from when she threw the shoe at him that last night that she was there. And the dent by her where he had punched the wall in anger.

"How are you?" He asked not looking into her eyes.

"I'm okay and you?"

"I'm fine."

"How's Brittany?" She had just remembered that he was married. He had gotten married. But why was he still living across from Rachel and Ross with Joey? Her mind raced. Hadn't Rachel walked across the hall to get them both?

"She's okay, she's at her mother's this week. I'm staying with Joey."

"Oh. I was hoping that I would get to meet her."

"Liar." He knew her too well.

"Well...." she shrugged.

"You could have come home for the wedding."

"I'm sorry. I tried I was...."

"Too busy."

"Chandler, I....."

"Save it."

"I just...."

"Nice to see you Monica." He disappeared into the apartment and she found herself sinking to the floor. She glanced around the hallway that held so many memories. Memories that were dusty in her mind. They would just fade away eventually without the constant reminder. And there was no reminder in Seattle. Hadn't that been another one of it's appeals?

"Aunt Monica!" She turned to see Ben running up the stairs. "You came!"

"Of course I came," she said wiping the tears from her eyes and hugging him. Carol and Susan came up behind him and gave her a hug.

"I tell everyone that Ben's aunt is famous in Seattle," Susan said. "They're all so jealous that I know a celebrity."

"Well, we're going to be syndicated nationally in a few weeks."

"Oh! Then they'll really be jealous," Susan said causing Monica to laugh. It was a half-hearted laugh, but a laugh none-the-less. Monica gave one last look to the apartment before heading into Ross and Rachel's.

and the plaster dented from your fist

in the hallway where you had your first kiss

reminds you that the memories will fade

She was back on the flight to Seattle a week later. She had not seen Chandler the entire week. Not that she had expected to after his greeting. She twisted in her first-class seat and wondered how this all came to be. What was it that her grandmother had once told her? Life is a dance. Sometimes you lead, and sometimes you let others lead you. But no one was leading this dance. Both her and Chandler had stepped aside to let the other lead to find that without someone taking control everything just fell apart. That's what had happened. Everything had fallen apart. Life had been a brilliant dance where no one was in control and so they all fell away from each other without a hand to hold on to.

"Excuse me?" Monica asked the flight attendant. "How close are we to Seattle?"

"About an hour to go miss," she answered and then moved on.

"Thanks," Monica said and closed her eyes. An hour to go. In Seattle she didn't worry as much about these things. The dance was far away in New York where she couldn't hear the music.

so this is strange

a side-stepping has come to be

a brilliant dance

where nobody leads at all

but nobody leads at all

"Monica? It's Christopher, call me when you get home." She pressed the delete button on the answering machine and sat down on her couch. She saw the picture of the gang at Central Perk and she cried out angrily and slammed it down. The apartment was empty. The sound of silence was deafening. She fell into the cushions and cried. She pulled the blanket down and tried to sleep it away.

She woke up the next morning and heard the doorbell ringing. Christopher was standing with a bag of bagels.

"Hey!" He gave her a kiss on her cheek. "You didn't call." His voice was teasing.

"I got home late and just slept," she told him. That was the truth. She had gotten home pretty late and had fallen asleep on the couch.

"How was New York?"

"Oh, it was okay," she said.

"Well, I have great news."

"What's that?"

"I want to take you away and I talked to my boss and I can have some time off, and I thought that you and I could go to Vancouver for a little while."

"How long is a little while? Because Christopher, I have the show and we're talking about going....."

"I know, what's to say that you can't shot a few episodes in a row like you did for this past week?"

"I can't just...."

"Monica, just think about it okay?"

"Okay," she said softly taking a bagel and spreading cream cheese on it. She took a bite and studied Christopher's face. He wasn't Chandler. And he wasn't....nope. She would be happy today. She made a conscious decision to be happy today. She would live up to it. She had a great boyfriend who wanted to take her away and she was happy. She was happy. She was also a liar, but who had to know that part?

and the picture frames are facing down

and the ringing from this empty sound

is deafening

and keeping you from sleep

There was a buzz and she groaned and got out of bed to answer it. Who showed up at six in the morning?

"You better have a good reason for waking me up," she said into the intercom.

"Excuse me Ms. Geller," Henry's voice said. "But there is a man who is demanding to see you right now."

"Who is it?"

"A Chandler Bing, ma'am." Her heart began to skip beats.

"Chandler?"

"Yes."

"Send him up."

"Yes ma'am." She ran to the mirror and glanced at horror at her reflection. She looked like crap. What was Chandler doing here? What was he doing in Seattle? Well, she was about to find out wasn't she? The knock on her door and she pulled on her hair and sighed before opening the door.

"Chandler?"

"Monica, sorry to wake you up."

"I....what....you...what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you. We have to talk." She gave a nod.

"Can I get dressed and we'll go get some breakfast?"

"Sure. I'll just wait here." She gave a nod and hurried down to her bedroom and threw open her closet and grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled a turtleneck and threw her hair back into a ponytail and threw on some makeup and went back to meet him.

"Nice place. They must pay you well."

"Yes, they do."

"Ready to go?"

"Yes." She took her coat and followed him out into the drizzling morning.

"It's raining," he said glancing at the sky as they walked down the street.

"It's always raining," she commented. "This isn't bad at all."

"Oh." They continued to walk in silence before they found a restaurant and went in and got themselves a seat. They were the only ones in the place. After all, it was seven in the morning on a Saturday.

"Why are you here?"

"Monica, I just wanted to apologize."

"For what?"

"You know what."

"It's been over a year Chandler."

"I know, but...."

"You should be in New York with your wife," Monica looked into his eyes and told him what pained her the most to say. He was married. He had a wife. Brittany. He had a wife named Brittany. The food came and they sat in silence as Monica kept glancing at her watch watching the time crawl by.

and breathing is a foreign task

and thinking is just too much to ask

and you are measuring your minutes

by a clock that's blinking eights

"What is the real reason for you coming?" Monica finally asked.

"Why didn't you come to my wedding?" He asked.

"What?"

"Why didn't you come to my wedding?"

"I don't know.... I was busy." He snorted.

"No you weren't."

"Yes I was."

"Everyone was there, except you."

"Well, we didn't exactly leave on great terms Chandler."

"We didn't leave at all. You left."

"I said I was sorry for that."

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

"You told me that the only reason that they would hire me was because I was nice to look at."

"It was probably true!" She felt her blood begin to boil.

"Maybe you are right, but was the best thing that ever happened to me. Why couldn't you have just been happy for me?"

"Because!"

"Because why?" She demanded. Their voices were beginning to raise and she lowered hers to a harsh whisper.

"You know why."

"No, I don't."

"Sure you do."

"No. I. Don't."

"Don't make me say it."

"Chandler, I don't know why you couldn't have been happy for me."

"You don't?" He asked with a sarcastic edge to his voice. "I watched you get married Monica. Remember? I stood back and watched you marry Richard. I watched that marriage fall apart and comforted you. Why? Because I was waiting for a chance with you. And then that chance came and you left. That's why." He had a death grip on the tablecloth.

"Why did you come here?"

"I came to tell you that I was sorry," he said his voice strained and even. "I didn't mean to hurt you with those words. They were just words. And I came to find out why you didn't come to my wedding and I wanted to let you know that I'm getting a divorce." He threw down money for the waitress and left the restaurant leaving Monica with her head spinning.

well this is incredible, starving, insatiable,

yes this is love for the first time

you'd like to think you were invincible

yeah, well, weren't we all once

before we felt lost for the first time?

well, this is the last time

this is the last time

this is the last time

~ Well, please review and I'll work on the next part which will go more into detail with what happened between the two of them and Richard. Didn't expect her to have married him did you? I feel much better after writing this by the way. Please review!!!!! Faster you review the faster my little fingers will write.~