Warning: Mentions of cutting, sex, cross-dressing, and sort of slash concerning Snape's character, don't like it, don't read it.
Ships: Hr/DT, Hr/BZ, Hr/SF, Hr/NL, Hr/DM, Hr/RW, Hr/FW. SS/SS (more specifically: Crossdressing!Snape/Potionsmaster!Snape). DM/GW, DM/PP. RW/LB.
Summary: The whole school is in an uproar when some bizarre things start to happen. Snape has been seen prancing around...in a dress. Hermione's started to act quite unlike herself, and Draco Malfoy is having a nervous breakdown. DM/GW, Hr/Boys, SS/SS
Era: 5th year, unrelated to the events of OOTP. Also, I decided to make Lavender like Ron earlier then 6th year.
Genre: Humor/Angst
Rated: T
Author's Message:
This is for a Challenge by TheColdestTouch on FA; it is a Make-Your-Own-Challenge.
My challenge:
3) Snape marries. (Choose anyone you'd like, but it is highly important that Neville faints when he finds this out - fearing the worst, of course).
6) Snape is a cross dresser and wanders through the halls in magenta robes, singing.
9) Draco is manic-depressive and has begun cutting himself.
14) Hermione has become the school's... er, well let's not go there. Let's say she gets around. She must wear hosiery and lots of makeup.
19) Someone spiked the pumpkin juice. Madness and table dancing ensues.
I picked these numbers at random to see what I'd get, and decided I liked the outcome, so here it is. It's supposed to be humorous, I hope you enjoy it.
Also, I'm looking for a Beta for this story, let me know if you're interested.
Chapter One:
The trio made their way through the castle, heading for breakfast. They had just gotten back from the Thanksgiving vacation and were quite happy to be back at school. Hermione and Ron had been bickering more then usual, which to Harry, meant that the two were coming close to finally figuring out their true feelings for one another.
They heard someone's high-heeled shoes clicking and echoing against the walls as they walked, and they looked curiously around the corner to see who it could be – no one wore high heels around the castle, it just wasn't done.
"Every time you look at me, my heart is jumping, it's easy to see," a man's voice was singing, an oddly recognizable voice.
Ron and Harry exchanged confused looks, both thinking the same thing...But there was no way, was there?
The voice died away and so did the footsteps.
"No way," Ron sputtered out.
"Was that...?" Harry started to ask.
"Snape?" Hermione continued, her voice filled with bafflement.
The three stared down the empty corridor, hoping the person would come back, but they did not.
"It couldn't have been," Ron said slowly. "That's far too revolting, even for him."
Hermione furrowed her brow. "Well, let's get to breakfast, I'm starving."
"Right," Ron nodded, giving one last weary glance down the hall.
The three entered the Great Hall, and sat themselves at the Gryffindor table, Ron looked over to the staff table.
"It wasn't him," Ron said, nodding to the furious looking Snape.
"That's a relief," Harry muttered. "Snape in heels and singing? Now that's just bloody weird."
Lavender Brown sidled in next to Hermione across from Harry and Ron.
"Morning, Ron," Lavender said, flashing him a glowing smile.
Ron looked nauseous. "Oh, morning," he said weakly.
"Morning, Hermione," Lavender said, giving a much less flattering smile to her.
"Hello," Hermione said, grabbing a piece of toast.
"How was your vacation?" Lavender said, mainly to Ron.
"Oh, it was erm..." Ron seemed to be flustered by the amount of attention he was receiving. "It was fine."
Hermione shot him an angry look. "Fine? We fought the whole entire time? How is that fine?"
Ron looked away and mumbled something incoherent under his breath.
Lavender grabbed a goblet of pumpkin juice and took a sip. "You should have visited me, I did absolutely nothing, it was so boring."
"Oh well, erm," Ron muttered.
Lavender smiled brightly and began to stand up, placing the goblet down. "I better go talk to Parvati; I'll see you around, Ron."
Lavender took off and Ron stared in awe after her.
"Oh, please," Hermione hissed under her breath.
Harry sighed and began to place some eggs onto his plate, as he did so Ginny Weasley sat down next to him.
"Morning," Ginny said.
"Hey, Ginny," Harry said.
"What's wrong Hermione?" Ginny asked, noticing her angry look directed at Ron.
"Nothing," Hermione quickly muttered. "Nothing at all." She took up her goblet of pumpkin juice and took a large gulp.
"What did you do, Ron?" Ginny asked, rolling her eyes at him.
"What?" Ron said outraged. "I didn't do anything!"
Ginny raised an eye, clearly not believing him.
"I said it was nothing," Hermione quickly said.
Ginny nodded, but like Harry, knew there was something wrong.
There was a whooshing sound as all the school owls came into the Great Hall. Malfoy's eagle flew over Hermione's head as it soared to Draco. Harry's face fell when he noticed that Draco wasn't looking like the smug adolescent he normally did when he got his morning mail, in fact, he was looking downright distraught. Ginny noticed this too.
"Why is everyone so upset today?" Ginny asked aloud.
"I told you it's nothing!" Hermione repeated, now an annoying pitch to her voice.
"I wasn't talking just about you, Malfoy looks like he's about to have a break down or something," Ginny said.
Ron looked over at Malfoy as well. "Serves him right! He's such a bloody arse; he deserves to be miserable for once."
Ginny rolled her eyes again, "You're such a prat Ron."
"Don't tell me you're sticking up for him?"
"No! I'm not at all, I'm just saying you can be a bit more compassionate, other people have feelings to you know," Ginny huffed.
"Not, Malfoy," Ron said, his eyes on his plate.
Ginny looked back up at Draco who was silently reading a letter, his eyes frozen in a look of fear and concern. Fred and George who were in the center of the Great Hall, made a loud whopping sound and half the eyes in the hall turned in distraction to see what they were doing.
Fred and George were standing in front of a boy who was turning many different colors.
"It works!" Harry heard Fred say.
McGonagall came rushing from the staff table and ordered the multicolored boy to the Hospital Wing, and ordered Fred and George to follow her. The two boys followed easily, not worried about the punishment for their actions.
When they had gone out of sight, the hall settled down again and Harry turned back to the food laid out before him. There was a violent chattering of teeth and Harry looked over at the source.
"Hermione, are you okay?" Harry asked.
Hermione looked as if she was going to pass out, her eyes were slightly dilated and her body shaking.
Ron and Ginny immediately looked towards her.
"Hermione?" Ron asked concerned.
"I-I'm f-f-fine," Hermione said through a chatter of teeth.
"You don't look so fine," Ginny said.
Hermione shook her head and she stopped shivering, and she looked well, normal again.
"No, I'm fine, I think I'm just getting over a cold from vacation."
The three watched her carefully.
"Oh no!" Hermione said rather loudly. "I forgot a book upstairs! I have to go get it."
Hermione quickly scrambled from her seat and rushed off.
"What in the world?" Ron muttered after her. "She's mental."
---
The Slytherin on his arm let go to reach out for another bite of ham.
"Draco, love," Pansy said, her eyes battering, mouth full. "Why so gloomy?"
"I'm fine," Draco answered, trying to smile, but failed.
She made a humph sound, but said nothing more.
"Draco, look at this," came another girl's voice.
He turned to see a girl named Tara holding up a small golden snitch. She had always fancied him, and was staring at him with large black eyes. He felt his arm being encased again as Pansy looked over as well, looking disgusted.
"He doesn't care, Tara," Pansy hissed for him.
"I'm sure he can speak for himself," Tara growled at Pansy.
"It's fascinating," Draco mumbled, not caring.
Pansy pouted and Tara smirked. Draco knew he'd made a bad decision by answering, but he knew how to make it up. He smiled coyly.
"But not nearly as fascinating as my girl," Draco said, turning away from Tara and his eyes landing on Pansy.
Pansy smiled brightly and met him half-way into a kiss, her tongue eagerly pushing into his mouth.
"Get a room!" he heard his best friend, Blaise groan.
Draco pulled apart from Pansy and turned to him.
"You're just jealous," Draco said toyingly.
Blaise laughed and then quickly ducked as Draco's eagle flew over his head. His face fell as he saw his father's familiar scrawl on the envelope. This letter was not something that he wanted to read right now.
"Who's that from?" Pansy asked, as Draco untied the letter.
"My father," Draco replied.
He eyed the letter carefully, feeling sick. The words this letter contained could change his life forever.
"Well, read it," Pansy said eagerly.
"You can't read it," Draco said.
"Oh," Pansy said her voice like venom. "I see..."
Pansy let go of his arm and grumpily turned to her plate. He didn't care at the moment, his main concern was the letter. He slowly slid it open and began to read.
Dear Draco,
After all our best intentions, it seems that we still have managed to fail. You are not the son that we have grown and raised. You should be ashamed of yourself. You have let us down, and you have angered the Dark Lord. Your fate is now in your own hands, Draco.
As we had told you before, if your attitude did not change, your situation would. We are now forced to do what we had promised you we would; we are no longer your family. You are not allowed back into our home, and the Dark Lord will decide how to handle your ill decisions. We are sorry to see you turn out this way, and are not at a loss to see you go. You are a Malfoy no more.
Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy.
His life was ruined, destroyed in one instant. If he wasn't a Malfoy anymore, then who was he? He was just the weak little bastard that everyone thought him to be. He hated himself, he hated everyone around him.
There was nothing left for him...nothing but the girl that was currently mad at him. And she was always mad at him, what sort of deranged happiness was this? He hated himself for subjecting himself to her, for allowing himself to be frail and so hopeless.
He could only put on an act for so long. What would happen when everyone found out? He would be humiliated, haunted by his decision to try and save himself. And now, the Dark Lord was going to kill him, there was no way the Dark Lord would let him go without a punishment.
He fled from the table, not saying a word to Pansy or anyone. He was frightened of what he might say; terrified that he might actually fall apart around them.
Fuck them, his brain hissed. They wouldn't understand what he had gotten himself into. No one understood. No one could feel his pain, not even himself. He felt so bloody numb, nothing felt real.
His hand slammed into a stone wall as he entered the dungeons, he slammed it again and again, till his knuckles were bloody and he couldn't stand the pain any longer.
He stumbled away from the wall, and stared, it was stained with a few streaks of blood, his blood. He looked to his hand, and winced at the mess.
If he was capable of this, then why wasn't he capable of doing what the Dark Lord had asked?
Why am I such a bloody coward?
He angrily rushed into the Slytherin common room and snatched up his bag from the floor. His wounded knuckles brushed the fabric of his bag and he felt a shot of pain run through him. He held up his wand to cure his hand, but stopped before he could say the words. He instead flexed his knuckles, opening the wounds and more blood rushed out.
He watched the blood, and felt the pain as if entranced, as if that was all that mattered.
"Draco?" Pansy's voice was heard.
He quickly shoved his hand into his pocket and turned to face her.
"Why did you run off from breakfast?" Pansy asked concerned.
"I forgot something important," Draco lied.
Pansy watched him closely, and then nodded. "Well, come on, Potion's class."
Draco nodded and allowed her to take his good hand. She didn't need to know he had hurt himself, because she wouldn't understand, because she was part of the problem.
---
Hermione peered into a mirror, feeling disgusted with herself. She looked hideous, her brown frizzy hair everywhere, her plain brown eyes, her boring face. How would anyone notice her looking like this? She brought her hand to her face, and then turned to her wand.
She had never before felt the need to wear make-up, but today, she had the strongest urge to feel pretty. She muttered a spell, and a light layer of pink lipstick and black eyeliner lined her face appropriately, but it wasn't enough.
She sighed. What has gotten into me?
The spell was muttered again, and the eyeliner went on more thickly, along with blush and a tiny bit of mascara.
Better, for now, Hermione thought lightly. She wanted to make an impression on someone. She wanted someone to notice her, kiss her. Where this sudden urge came from, she had no idea.
The frizzy-haired Gryffindor ran a hand through her hair, deciding she needed to do something with it. She wanted it to be smooth, and silky, for someone to want to run their hands through it.
Someone has to want me.
After her fourth year, she had learned a simpler charm to straighten her hair, and that is what she used now. Her hair flattened and fell neatly down to her lower back.
"Perfect." Hermione smiled.
She looked halfway decent, for a girl who wasn't particularly stand-outish. She left the bathroom and grabbed her bag.
Maybe Ron would notice her now, or maybe any boy would notice her now.
When did I start to care so much?
---
Ron and Harry started to head towards Potions without Hermione. She hadn't returned from retrieving the book she had forgotten, but they assumed she wouldn't be late for class. They made their way down towards the dungeons.
They heard a scamper of hurried feet coming from behind them, and Ron and Harry turned to see a girl in a fret to get to class on time. The girl, slowed when she reached them, and smiled. Her long brown hair and brown eyes seemed familiar, and she looked very pretty.
"Hey guys," the girl said.
Suddenly Ron and Harry's jaw dropped when they realized who she was.
"Whoa, Hermione?" Ron asked in disbelief.
"What?" Hermione said almost innocently.
"You look, amazing," Harry said.
"Thank you, Harry," Hermione smiled. "I just decided to try a few things."
"You're wearing make-up?" Ron asked. "You never wear make-up!"
"Is it a bad thing?" Hermione asked. "Because I just used the spell twice. Maybe I should have only used the spell once..."
Hermione still sounded like Hermione, bossy, know-it-all, and obsessive.
"It's...erm, fine," Ron said sheepishly.
Hermione flashed him a smile. "Maybe I should start doing it more often."
Harry and Ron exchanged looks, both thinking the same thing: What had gotten into her?
They saw Lavender Brown approaching them, and the look on her face was not a happy one.
""Wow, Hermione," Lavender said icily, nearly sneering, which was odd for the Gryffindor. "Don't you look pretty?"
Hermione didn't answer.
"Hey, Ron," Lavender smiled. "Want to be my partner today for potions?"
"I err, well," Ron said awkwardly. "Sure, I guess."
Hermione's face fell even more, and she narrowed her eyes.
There was a snap of a door down the dungeon corridor and the four turned just in time to see the someone in heels, their magenta dress disappearing into the Potions classroom before they could get a good look, the singsong voice carrying after the figure.
"You drive me crazy, I just can't sleep. I'm so excited; I'm in too deep..."
The voice died away again.
"Who is that?" Harry asked.
The four hurriedly went towards the classroom and opened the door, but when they entered, they heard Snape's office door closing, and saw Snape writing the ingredients for the potion they would be working on that day.
Snape turned to them furiously.
"You're all early," Snape hissed. "Five points from Gryffindor to the each of you."
They all growled in protest, but eyed each other suspiciously. Why did it matter if they were early? Was it because of the mysterious figure in heels? And who was that figure?
---
A/N:
R&R and tell me what you think, please no flames, I don't mind constructive criticism though. Also, if this seems very unrealistic, that's because it's a challenge, and will make more sense and I continue – there is a reason all these characters are acting so bizarre.
Songs:
"You Drive Me Crazy" By Brittany Spears.