She doesn't expect it when Jim comes back from Stamford with a girlfriend. Let alone a girlfriend whom she actually likes. And that only makes it harder, because Pam wishes she could hate Karen. Pam wishes she could hate Jim for acting like a perfect gentlemen, a perfect friend. But she can't, even though she thinks it'd hurt less, because that's exactly what she asked him for.
Becoming friends, bonding with Karen, wasn't something on her to do list. But it happened anyway, and now she doesn't know what to do. Karen asks her to go drinking on Friday, and Pam doesn't accept because she's afraid of what she'd say if she let herself get drunk. And she knows that with Karen it'd be hard to refuse. So instead she lies, says she's going to her mom's for the weekend, cause she hasn't seen her in a while, and they're real close. Karen's cool about it and says "Some other time then."
Pam is back at her desk, thinking about it, when Jim turns in his chair, staring around at the office in general from his new vantage point and she suddenly catches his eye, because of course, she's grown used to looking at his back. She feels safer that way, even though she knows that he can probably feel it, and she's almost surprised to see his face in that moment. But the moment passes, and all that Pam is left with is a small half-smile. But she treasures it, because his real smiles are rare for her now that they're just friends, because they're careful around each other now. They can't go back to what they had – Pam has resigned herself to this. She isn't sure if her heart would be able to take broken hope, even just a little, so she lies to herself and says she doesn't have hope. She idly wonders if it's bad that she's gotten so used to lying that she doesn't even really feel guilty for lying to Karen.
It's a matter of survival when she refuses Jim and Karen's invitation to a New Year's Party. She knows she wouldn't be able to take it, seeing them kiss and cuddle and be a couple like they don't do in the office. She has another reason to respect Jim when she realizes that he'd never hidden himself from her and Roy. She doesn't know what to say when Karen says she should get together with Roy. Karen doesn't know – she wasn't here, and Pam actually has to control herself and makes sure her mouth stays shut. How could she explain she'd already been with him, how do you explain that to someone you've only know for a mere two months? Her answer is simple in her mind – you don't explain it. Later at her desk though, she's proud of herself for not saying anything, not the truth or a lie. Cause she's been trying to cut back on the lying she's become accustom to – except, of course, when it comes to herself – there she has no problem with keeping up her lies.
Sometimes, when Jim and Karen are feeling particularly playful or cute, she's catch Angela's eye when she's trying to avoid them and she can see Angela's careful sympathies. Pam never imagined that Angela would ever understand anything from her point of view, and so this surprises her, but also deeply comforts and saddens at the same time. Because Angela was really the only one to broach her and Jim's special relationship. And while Angela had been judgmental, looking back now, Pam can see where she'd been coming from. In Angela's mind, Pam was basically cheating on Roy. She knows it wasn't like that, but Angela always manages to make her feel guilty. So know Pam finds comfort in the fact that though Angela says nothing, she does know what Pam is going through, even if it's just a little bit. It also makes her fall into a depressed state for the next two hours, because all she can think about it the fact that Angela is a harsh, judgmental person – and she also feels sorry for Pam. This is what pushes her to leave two hours early, claiming to have an appointment at the dentists'. Walking out the door, even though she doesn't turn, she knows that Jim is looking after her, and she knows that he knows that she has just lied.
She goes home and cries for a little bit that day, before picking herself up and telling herself another lie – everything will be okay. Because deep down, she's not sure if everything will be okay.
Pam knows she is a horrible person the minute that Karen calls her two weeks later because she doesn't have many friends in Scranton and she's having problems with Jim, and would it be okay if they just went shopping and talked for a bit? Pam agrees, even though she knows she's a horrid person for feeling slightly giddy at the thought of Jim and Karen having problems. She knows she's a horrid person because she hasn't told Karen how she feels for Jim, and now she's going to listen to her talk about their problems. On the way there, she wonders if Jim knows Karen called her. Probably not, she decides – because she knows he'd have found some way to steer Karen away from Pam, though he'd done nothing to stop them from becoming friends. But this is different, and Pam knows it.
On the drive home, she still tells herself that she's a horrid person, but maybe she's not as horrible as she was before, because she didn't tell Karen that she should just break up with Jim and let Pam have him. She didn't tell Karen that maybe the relationship was too new, or too hard, or that it probably wouldn't work out. Pam is almost proud of herself on the way home, because she listened quietly but attentively, and she said nothing negative whatsoever and she certainly did not act on her impulse of jumping for joy when Karen wondered aloud if maybe she and Jim just weren't meant to be. Instead, she encouraged her to hang in there a little bit, that Jim was a great guy. She was a good friend, for all intensive purposes, because Karen had needed a friend. Karen is a good person, and Pam likes her.
It's only one week later that Pam invites Karen over for a little sleep-over because girls never get too old for sleep-overs, and Pam feels bad about always turning down Karen's invitations to do something with her and Jim. Karen arrives slightly late, but it's okay because Pam has always been a little relaxed about stuff like that. Four hours later, it's one in the morning, and Pam discovers why Karen was late. Karen, apparently, likes to drink, Pam tells herself as she watches her pull out some hard liquor and mixers. Pam knows immediately that this is a bad idea, because she's already slightly giddy from lack of sleep, a trait that has carried over from her teenage years. But when Karen hands her a drink, she doesn't push it away but takes it with relish, and that's when she knows in the back of her mind, that everything will go downhill from now.
In the morning, Pam remembers practically nothing from the time that they'd spent drinking before falling asleep. The next day being Saturday, she awakes late as she always does and find Karen nowhere in the house, but she is considerate enough to leave a note, telling Pam that she'd forgotten some urgent plans she'd had that morning, and she'll catch her at work on Monday. Pam almost feels déjà vu, as she remembers something similar happening in the tenth grade, but she didn't drink in high school and right now she has a horrible hang-over. Pam decides that no matter how many times Karen asks, she will never get drunk with her again, because her missing memories always irritate her to no end. And, Pam thinks to herself, it's just not safe, considering the situation she's put herself in. She finds it almost scarily easy to get close to Karen and she's afraid of what that means for herself, Karen, and most of all, Jim. Because even in the midst of her hang-over, Pam knows that she can't keep lying like this forever, because she just isn't that type of person, nor does she want to be.
That Monday, Pam is surprisingly comfortable in a way that she hasn't been in a long while. She doesn't know why and wonders if it has something to do with when they were drunk. That morning, Karen calls in to say she's going to be at a doctor's appointment all morning, but she'll be there in the afternoon, not to worry – she's fine. It's just a check-up. Pam almost gets nervous when Jim is not five minutes early like he normally is – nervous that maybe Karen has just told her a lie and any minute now she'll get a call from Jim saying he has a flat or some such and won't be able to come for the morning. She almost worries this, but doesn't, and Jim is only a few minutes late, so she's glad she didn't worry, because she'd feel silly if she had.
Pam is in the lunchroom when Karen comes into work. Pam goes out to greet her and catches how Jim and she are not standing at close as they normally did. Pam notices that Karen no longer has that little smile on her face that came on whenever Jim was around. And she also notices that Jim is not glancing around the room, looking for people looking at them, which is a dead give-away that he feels he's being somehow inappropriate at the workplace by socializing with his girlfriend, but she's never told him that, so she doesn't see why he'd stop now. Only her heart acknowledges that hope is bursting within her, that maybe they broke up, that maybe they've had a fight, while her mind repeats that they are happy together, and she should be happy for Jim and Karen. Except that when she passes by them on her way to her desk, Jim only nods his hello, and doesn't look her in the eyes, while Karen smiles at her encouragingly and then looks to Jim. Pam doesn't understand and shakes her head slightly before moving behind her desk after saying hello to Karen.
She's not expecting it when a paper airplane lands on her desk and messes up the little sketch she'd been doing because it hit her hand. She only knows one person who throws that well and looks at Jim with a strange, expectant look, only to find him in the break room, engaged with Toby in conversation. Which reminds her, she's forgotten to give Toby back his book for the past week, and she feels guilty about that, so she quickly jots it down to remind herself. Looking up again, this time at the whole office, she sees Karen looking at her expectantly. What is with her this morning? Pam doesn't understand, and it's only when Karen motion the paper airplane does Pam look at it again. Ah, now she can see something written on it, only on the inside of the crease. Reading the message with a slight frown, Pam is unsure of what to do. She finally decides to just send Karen an email, because she's not so good with paper airplanes and knowing her luck it'd end up on Dwight's desk and then she'd be completely embarrassed.
She sees Karen see the pop up on her screen, and she see her open it to read the email. She doesn't see the puzzled look on her face, because her back is turned to her. She does, however, realize that Karen is writing something back to her. Two minutes later, Pam is reading and wondering even more. Karen wants her to go to the parking lot in fifteen minutes, and Pam is unclear what all this is about. However, she knows she will go. She closes the email and gives no sign of acting any different than she would be on any other day. Of course, she is a bit chagrined, because this little excursion does cut into her staring at Jim's back time that she has allotted herself. But she knows Karen would be upset if she didn't go, so she does. After waiting five minutes in the cold, Karen joins her and starts to talk. They end up moving into Karen's SUV, because this is quite hard on Pam, and it only makes it worse that Karen understands, and suddenly she knows where Karen was on Saturday morning. She is mortified and so, so sorry, because it's all her fault.
But then Karen says something else and Pam stops for a moment and listens. She tells herself that this all means nothing because it wouldn't work out anyway, and how horrible of a friend is she? First she leads on her best friend (even if it was only half consciencously) and now this. She has broken Karen's happiness, she thinks, but Karen is smiling now and she's laughing at Pam's reaction and she doesn't seem sad at all. Because it turns out, Karen had an idea all along, and she's happy Pam told her what she did, even if Pam doesn't remember and she wishes she'd never said anything at all. This is when she knows for sure that she's never ever drinking with Karen again, not even the tiniest bit – she thought it was bad before, but this! This is just horrid, and Pam doesn't know what to do. Karen seems confident still, and Pam admits she is way out of her league, and it's all just so confusing. She's told herself not to hope all this time for fear of that being crushed, and now she is even more afraid. But Karen doesn't understand that – it's something a woman like her never could – and Pam can't explain it to her. When they get out of the car, they make sure to turn their mikes back on, and Pam is glad to discover that no one has followed them out with a camera, even though they wouldn't have been able to hear anything being said.
When she goes into the building first, she heads straight to the restroom, even though her phone is ringing at that moment because she doesn't want people to see her tear streaks. Because there isn't a whole lot of them, and she's not crying now, so she just wants to take care of them right away, before people start asking questions. Especially Jim, because he's always asked her before when she's been sad, though she doesn't know if he'd ask her this time. But it doesn't matter, she tells herself. It doesn't matter.
A month has passes since that day in the parking lot, and Pam still tells herself that it doesn't matter, and she and Jim have been more distant than ever. Now, she never lets him catch her looking at him, because she's afraid to look at him too much these days. It's simply too dangerous. Karen says that it'll be okay, but Karen is Karen, and she thinks the world will always right its wrongs, with help from her, of course. Pam is not sure that it will be okay, and she still doesn't know what to do. But she does know that things will never again be the same - that things have changed irrevocably – again. She doesn't know if she'd be able to handle another change like that, even if she is a fancier, newer version of herself. Pam knows that she has changed a lot since breaking up with Roy, but has she changed that much? She doesn't think so, and she's more afraid than she ever was before, so she wonders if maybe she hasn't gotten worse.
One day though, it does matter, because Roy has asked her to go to his parents' house on Valentine's Day right there in the break room, with Jim and Karen and Toby sitting at the other table. She knows that Roy thinks she will say yes, because after all, she loves his parents, and he thinks there is still some hope that he can win her back. She tries not to encourage him, never does anything that could be construed as flirting, never does anything like what she did with Jim – but her and Roy have never been like that anyway. So she is strong, and she shakes her head no, tells him that she has plans to see an art show that weekend, and says she wants to spend the day alone – even if that last part isn't particularly true. And she can see Karen out of the corner of her eye, and at the last moment looks at her, but finds Jim instead because he's just stood up, and how can you not look when someone suddenly stands up? Their eyes only catch for a fraction of a second, but Pam knows that Jim knows she is lying to Roy. Roy, who is oblivious to her lie, says hey, that's cool, he can understand that, but she'll still call his dad and ask him to be her Valentine like always, right? This time she nods yes, because she loves his father, she loves all of his family, but she can't help but wish she could start that tradition with another man's father that weekend.
It does matter, because that Friday she makes a decision and she leaves early, but she waits to leave something for Jim on his desk. She waits because she doesn't want to hand it to him personally, she waits until he heads to the restroom and then she's gone like the wind. But later that evening, she knows she can't do this. She just knows she can't. Because what if it goes wrong? Or it doesn't happen at all? What would she do? She doesn't think she can handle that – she knows can't do this. She was being stupid when she laid that note on his desk. Because why would he come? She can't think if a reason, and is therefore convinced that he won't be there. But there is a still place inside herself, a place where she goes when she paints, that knows this is right – that knows that everything will be okay. But Pam is Pam, and she ignores this small, calm voice inside of herself, because it's simply not logical – how could she know something like that? She can't, she determines, and that's the end of it, because she will not be doing what was in her head earlier – she will not. It doesn't matter what the note said, because he won't be there anyway….Why would he go to a stupid park, in February, when it's cold, for no reason at all? He wouldn't. So she won't, regardless of that stupid note.
She doesn't know why she does this to herself…because now she's cold and miserable, and that still, calm place inside tells her it'll be okay, but she doesn't believe in herself enough for that to be true, so why in the world does she do this to herself? Pam feels guilty, standing there next to the swings in the middle of winter, because it's after park hours, and she purposefully parked her car a block away so it didn't look like there was anybody at the park – because she's not supposed to be here, she thinks. It's just another sign of the universe, trying to let her down gently, she thinks, because there is no way that he'd show. And then, she can hear footsteps crinkling the frosted grass behind her, and she so afraid to turn around, because what if this just makes everything worse? She is so stupid!
"Pam?" His voice is so nice to her ears, and it sounds so good to hear him say her name like that – with any kind of emotion at all, in fact, that she spins around and she's got a goofy smile on herself even though she's terrified.
"Hey…I didn't think you'd come…" Because she really didn't. It just didn't make sense, logically. Hope and logic are two different things, her mom always told her, and she knows this because it's so true, but this is the first time in her life that she'd used her logic on Jim, and she's so scared right now. But then he smiles that goofy half-smile that's almost as good as his real, full-out smile.
"Well, you know, I was in the neighborhood and all, and I thought 'hey, it's been awhile since I snuck into an abandoned park after hours', so here I am." She loves his humor, but she can't laugh because she hears the question beneath it.
"I – I wanted to…talk. I wanted to talk to you." She wants to shout to the world that she loves him, if only in her head, because Pam is just not the type of woman to go shouting to the world – that'd be more like Karen, she thinks. But it's not her. And for the first time, with Jim looking only at her, with some of that emotion in his eyes, she doesn't mind this about herself at all.
"What did you want to talk about?" He moves toward her, and for a second she is terrified he will touch her – and she knows she can't do this – but he moves past her slightly to sit on a swing. She finds herself aching suddenly and knows then that she desperately wants him to touch her. After a few deeps breaths, she sits down on one next to him, slightly swinging herself forward and back, prolonging the answering of her question.
"I just…Karen said that she told you…about…" She can't do this. It's too much, it's too hard! She needs him, but she's so afraid, and she just can't make the words come. She can't even keep her mouth open anymore, and she knows she is shutting into herself again, even if she doesn't – desperately doesn't – want to this time.
"When you were drunk, yeah." He finished the sentence with such abruptness that she is startled. She doesn't know what to think, except that he has suddenly drawn her out of herself, something only he has been able to do – ever.
"And…I just thought that maybe…we should talk about it." She hates how her words are so stiff and hard to come out. She hates that she sounds forced, even to her own ears. She hates all of this more than anything she has ever hated in her life, because she knows she has to do this. He suddenly stands, and she is unsure of what he is going to do. He starts to walk away, and she panics, but can do nothing. She does not expect it when he turns around again and she stands suddenly, because his presence is something else entirely right now.
"I just….I don't even know what to say! How do you do this to me, Pam? How could you? You make Karen break up with me! You tell her you broke the wedding for me – you even tell her you love me! But of course, you can't tell ME any of this. Of course not. God, I want to hate you! I want to hate you so bad, and I can't. I just can't. I can't stop myself from loving you, and you know what, Pam? I'm damn tired of trying to!" He starts towards her suddenly, and she is almost fearful, because he is so powerful right now – but she is not, because she knows Jim would never hurt her. Never. So she stands still and lets him to come her, lets him get all in her personal space.
"Jim…?" She is confused and doesn't know what to do, but she needs him. And she thinks she's finally beginning to realize – he needs her too.
"I don't care, Pam. I don't care about anything anymore, except that I want you. I don't care if you don't want me back this time Pam, because it's just too much. I want you." And five seconds before it actually happens, the world seems to stop around her and she suddenly feels different – maybe this is how Karen feels all the time – but then the moment ends, and his lips descend upon hers with such a demanding force that she can do nothing but hold on to him for dear life. It's only moments later when they pull away, thanks to a car alarm, but for Pam it feels as though it's been an eternity. She's never seen this side of Jim – this demanding, rough, angry side of Jim, and she finds she wants to know this and every other side of him so badly it hurts.
"I don't want you, Jim." She feels his arms tighten around her, as if daring her to try to pull away and she feels excitement course through her. She tucks this away in her mind before continuing. "I need you." She looks into his eyes for the first time all night and she repeats herself. "I need you." And this time, his kiss is full of the tenderness and love that the one they shared all those months ago held, only now she can feel the undercurrent – that strong, ravenous feeling that she can't wait to explore with him. And now, her still, calm place is raging inside her, and she experiences true joy and love for the first time in her life. Everything will be okay.
And maybe, just maybe, Pam'll let Karen talk her into getting drinks some time.
Well? Again, criticism or praise is welcome!
Dizzy