Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy in: The case of the Unlawful Swishing
Authors note: Ok... I didn't originally put an author's note on this because I just hadn't felt like it. I have about 6 reviews and I love them... It's great to see people's reactions. Let me give a short explanation about this... It was written for a friend's birthday. We had had a conversation and it just gave me so many bunnies, I HAD to take everything we said and did during that conversation and take it word for word and put it into Sev and Lu's mouth.
Also, I'm not claiming that it is funny or in anyway amusing to anyone other than myself and my friend.
It was the year of 1979. It was either summer, or winter break. Most likely winter break because of all the snow and stuff. But I'm no meteorologist. The point was, it was some sort of break, because there were only about 20 students in the whole of Hogwarts. Only 5 of them were present in the great hall at breakfast time, about 9 A.M. The only two Slytherins were none other than Crabbe and Goyle Sr. They ate and they ate until they died. The end. Just kidding. The only two Slytherins were Snape and Lulu. Well, ya know, Severus and Lucius, but Lucius always insisted on being referred to as Lulu The Great. (Clears throat) Alright, moving right along. Usually, the two master Slytherins spent the holidays at the Malfoy manor but it was being fumigated for opossums 'Gay little fuckers' Lulu the Great always said. So they stayed at Hogwarts.
Severus Snape wasn't a morning person. He enjoyed his sleep. A lot. He went to sleep at about 3 A.M and woke up at maybe 3 P.M. He might be up at 12 if you're lucky, but don't count on it. Lucius, on the other hand, would stay up with his companion every night. Only thing is, he would wake up at 8 A.M, easily. Lulu seemed to devote his morning to trying to awaken Severus ("WHY WONT YOU STOP TORMENTING ME?! LET ME SLEEP!") Because Merlin forbid he ever had to do a single thing without his little monkey. Sevvie rarely woke up for Lucius, but in order to get the infuriating ferret off his back ("LUCIUS! WHY IN THE NAME OF SALAZAR BLOODY SLYTHERIN IS THERE A FERRET ON MY BACK?!") He woke up and went to breakfast. At 9 A.M. 6 friggin' hours before he was due to wake up. (" Ooh Lucius just 6 more hours.")
So there they were, in the Great Hall, Lucius happily munching on his slightly soggy bacon ("Gotta love the sogginess, Sev-Sev.") and Severus just sat there, at his plate, about to fall asleep in the pile of overly crispy bacon. ("Munch, Munch") He pushed it to the side before his head crashed on the table, from there he glanced up at Lucius, who was alternating from staring into space and inspecting his perfectly manicured fingers (All the while humming Yellow Submarine, his new favorite song, although he was partial to calling it Lellow Submarine song, because he was deathly afraid of the letter "y") Lucius sighed, for his nails were in need of a trim. He could bribe Severus into clipping them later on (With Sex and Cigarettes) Severus closed his eyes again, as he just started to drift into a not-so-deep and not-so-peaceful sleep, but into a best-I-can-manage-sleep., Lucius decided to start a friendly conversation.
"Sevvie." Sevvie clenched his jaw. Lucius just had to call him that.
"What, Lucius?" Lucius looked at him blankly. Sigh.
"Lulu. The. Great. What do you want?" Lucius instantly sparkled up ("OOOOOH SPARKLIES!")
"Sevvie, when you die, you have to give me all of your stuff."
Sev didn't even look up, lacking the energy, mostly; he was used to Lucius's usual odd sentiments. Severus thought about this deeply, scratching his mammoth nose in the process (a habit he had picked up over time) after spending so much time with insane people, you start taking them much too seriously, much more seriously than any sane person should, and it was clear that this was what Sev was doing.
"Alright."
"Ok." Sev then looked up and set his chin in his hand and looked at Lucius, batting his eyelashes (unconsciously, no doubt.) and said in his usual monotone voice
"But if you die first I get all of it." Silence. (Cricket chirp.) It took him a second, but he did eventually realize what he had said, but of course, Lulu The Great was already there, and Sevvie The Lesser knew this, by the slight smirk tugging at his lips. Sevvie looked at him, incredulous.
"Ok. You get all of your stuff, deal."
"Oh, you know what I meant!" Lucius just went back to preening his fingernails and hair. ("WELL LULU THE EFFING GREAT, WE AAAAAALLL KNOOOOW IT'S FAAAKE, THAT BLONDE DOESN'T COME IN NATURE, YA KNOW!!")
Deep sigh. Sev was getting used to sighing whenever in the presence of Lulu the Mentally Insane, he said half to himself, half to Lu,
"Should have specified. all of your stuff," Lucius banged the table with his palm and said in a commanding voice
"Nope! Too late. You already said!" Lucius put his hands up as if to say it was out of his hands, and took a sip of his red punch.
"So it had been written, so it shall be done!"
Severus was truly awestruck, it wasn't in writing, but anyone could tell you it was useless arguing with the criminally insane.
"Either I'm a really bad lawyer or you're a bloody good one."
"I'm a really good one, perhaps?" Severus took a plunge; that straw had broken the back. He jumped.
"WELL! IF YOU WERE A REALLY GOOD ONE YOU'D BE ABLE TO GET ME ARRESTED FOR DOING...THIS!" He swished his hands around his head, a crazy glint in his eyes, while everyone (well, anyone at breakfast, anyway.) started freaking out at the prospect of a crazy greasy boy, Lucius didn't even flinch, finding it quite nice to have the company of another crazy, he did however shift his weight and switched from crossing his right leg to crossing his left. He the spoke, (maybe he was disappointed, or outraged or something. he's crazy, who knows?)
"Look what you made me do!" Sev yelled back without missing a beat
"Prove it, lawyer!" (Around this point Sev was foaming at the mouth.) Someone would have done something to restrain him, but everyone in the room was terrified.
"Well you did that thing and I got switched, obviously." Sevvie could only assume he meant his legs... but as we've mentioned, he's insane, so who knows?
"Oh yeah? Then how did I do this?" Swish, Swish, Hand Swishy Swish. There was a slightly awkward silence among the Great Hall as Lucius thought of an appropriate answer. He said slowly.
".With your toe. Which smells."
"Oh yes! But can you prove it?" Severus finally sat down, much to the relief of every student who was slowly edging away from Sev and the staff member who were about to call the authorities.
"Yes."
"No you can't. You don't have proper evidence." Lucius smirked as if he had the upper hand, which he always did.
"No...? We will see in court."
"I suppose we shall." Sev stood and left for the dormitories to catch up on those missing 6 hours of sleep. As soon as the doors shut behind him, several cries of joy and relief were heard across the school grounds and normal conversation continues. A weight had been lifted from the shoulders of the sane.
Part Deux
Right on schedule, later that day, Lulu the Great went up to the dormitories to wake Severus up for the second time that day. If they had clocks in the school, which they didn't because it was all muggley, it would say 3 P.M (7 AM in Thailand, though.) Sev woke up to the feel of several over-stuffed throw pillows hitting his head violently. He groaned, readjusted his position and would have gone back to sleep, which he had a tendency to do, ("YOU CANT SLEEP ALL DAY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!OMIGOD ARE YOU A VAMPIRE, SEVVIE!? DON'T BITE MEE! NOO! I KNOW I'M PUREBLOODED AND BLONDE AND SEXY BUT YOU CANT BITE MEE!!") but, alas, Lucius spoke, which he also had a tendency to do.
"You're a whore."
"Yes... but I'm a lawyer as well." Grogginess.
"Just admit you're mad because I get be buried with all my Dark Lord Fan Club stuff and you cant get nothin'!"
Sev grunted his response and sat up slowly, getting out of bed and looking up only to see Lucius on his knees rummaging through Sev's trunks, pulling out both of his one-of-a-kind Dark Lord leather jackets and humming to himself.
"Yay. pretty little leather jackets." after collecting the pretty things that were "rightfully" his ("But I'm not dead yet." "...Yet.") And piling the jackets on, on top of each other, he grabbed Sev by the hand and dragged him into the empty common room then posed in front of the empty table and yelled.
"TADA!!!" Sev raised his eyebrow, Lucius then seemed to remember something, like the fact that he didn't have anything to 'Tada' at. Lucius reached behind him and threw a small muggle t-shirt at him, and he caught it, If he had known what it was. He would know that it was a baby tee, commonly worn by overly cheery muggle cheerleaders, a big trend in America. This little ditty was light pink and had a small charmed picture of a bear on it. At the lack of reaction from Sev, he ripped off his jackets and shirt and then slipped the tee on, his belly button proudly exposed.
"Check out my bear, Sevvie! He waggles his eyebrows!" and sure enough, upon closer inspection, the bear was in fact, waggling his eyebrows. Sev took a seat.
"That is truly evil."
"I know!" Sev rubbed his chin and spoke.
"Sexy, but evil." Lulu nodded enthusiastically then charmed the picture into a different bear, a pasty brown-white lifeless one, then smiled, self-satisfied.
"Now that's just horrifying."
"What do you mean?" Pout.
"It's just lifeless and pasty, Lu."
"But.He.Growls." He said as if it would make up for the pastiness. Growl. Growl. Growl. Little images of candles began to pop up around the image of the bear. Pop. Pop. Pop. It startled Sev each time, so it was more like: Pop. Jump. Pop. Jump. Pop. Jump. He was now a lifeless bear among a bed of candles. Wow. Sev gave him a 'What the fuck?' look.
"He's pasty... And all the candles... He's powerful. Too powerful."
"How's this?" It then changed into a black dog, much to the likeness of Sirius, the black dog was surrounded by flowers. Pink flowers. oh the gayness. Maybe it was a subtle message on Lucius's part, saying Sirius was gay. But no, it wasn't safe to go in too deeply in the thought process of insane people, like Lucius. Plus, he himself doesn't usually go in too deep with anything. ("Weeeelll there was that one time, with this little boy who lived across from our manor and we-" "I. Don't. Want. To. Know. Lu.") Sev cocked his head to the side, contemplating Lu's decisions much too. seriously. That's the problem with having crazy people as friends; you start thinking that they're like everyone else. Either that or you think everyone else isn't like everyone else. It's all very confusing. Don't worry about it.
"Flowers good. Dog bad." Lucius went crazy (redundant, I know.) and pointed at what Sev was wearing, accusingly.
"AND A GREEN DRAGON WITH VELVET? WHAT'S THAT!?" Lucius screamed hysterically. Severus looked down at his outfit innocently. It was just his trousers and his shirt.Which happened to be red velvet baby tee with a picture of a green snake slithering down the middle. In a dignified voice (Imagine how hard dignity is to have when wearing a baby tee. When you're a guy. But it's ok... they don't know what they're wearing. They're just two English wizards, how're they supposed to know... ::clears throat:: Anyway.)
"It's Slytherin! Elegant and Evil!" Lucius snorted then changed the picture on his shirt one last time. Sev stood up, saying calmly.
"And what is that supposed to be?"
"That, my friend, is 2 penguins mating amongst a bundle of floating hearts." Sev nodded understandingly and took Lu by the hand.
"Tea party?" Lu smiled broadly. He loved his tea parties ("WHERES MY DRESS? HOW CAN I HAVE A TEA PARTY WITHOUT MY FAVORITE FLOWERY DRESS AND HAT? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? IS THIS TEA DECAF!? Oh, how I love tea parties")
"Tea party! To the Great Hall!" Sev confirmed, and so they went, hand in hand, bare bellies, to the Great Hall for a tea party.
The End