The Melancholy of Debiru-kyon

It was another sleepy weekend spent vegetating on the sofa, watching baseball. I don't normally follow the baseball but I guess I was particularly bored today. For some reason I ended up cheering for the losing team. I would have been happy enough just watching this match all day but it seems fate (with a capital H) had something else in store for me today.

BZZ...BZZ...My phone vibrated with the sound of an annoying bumblebee when I picked it up.

"Hmm...What could she be calling for?" I asked myself as I picked up the phone.

"Hey Kyon are you busy right now?" Just before I had a chance to say anything she spoke back in her dictatorship tone. "Good I need you to come over to my place right away, I've already called the others. It's an emergency so don't be late or else!"

Or else what? You'll show me that Twilight film again? I hung up but just as I was about to put the phone down she had rung back. "By the way...uh...bring some money. I don't think we'll need it but bring some anyway you got that?" Before she terminated the call once more with blunt silence.

That person on the other end of the phone was none other than fellow high school student – though I also have to add President of the SOS brigade and uncontested supreme God of the universe: Haruhi Suzumiya. I always seemed to get dragged into her problems ever since she formed the club for Aliens, time Travellers and Espers. Yet I always seemed compelled to keep joining in these weird shenanigans. I had just gotten over about 50,000 Groundhog loops, a Murder Mystery on a remote Island and about 28 episodes of grief and cruelty to poor Miss Asahina. But surely now that we had gotten through all that there couldn't be anymore problems or Closed Spaces to deal with...

Right...

'''''

When Haruhi said we were meeting her at her place, I didn't think she actually meant outside near a dumpster but oh well...

"...Wrong...it's just wrong!" Miss Suzumiya pouted as she paced around her DVD player. By that of course I meant the pile of scrap metal and broken casing that was once her DVD player. Haruhi seemed to have a slightly irrational tendency to overreact towards just about anything. But here we were somewhere near Haruhi's place, for what was apparently an 'emergency meeting' yet the only thing that needed urgent medical attention was the poor old NEC.

"What seems to be the matter Miss Suzumiya?" The obnoxious Esper named Koizumi called over. He still managed to pull off that cheap-rate smile in every situation. God damn that pisses me off!

"THIS is what's wrong." Haruhi pulled out a DVD case and pressed it towards my face (why mine anyway? I don't care about your stupid tantrums. And besides it was Koizumi who asked the question).

"Devilman?" Koizumi inquired. "Is this some sort of movie?"

Haruhi huffed like a stubborn four-year-old "It's a piece of crap that's what it is!" Hey now come on, what did the poor movie do to deserve such harsh treatment. Besides nothing could possibly be as bad as Twilight. "This thing cost me 112 minutes of my precious life." Hah...'Precious' "The acting was just awful, the story didn't make sense, they ruined what was a great Anime and..." Haruhi placed a finger to her chin as if she was about to say something intelligent for once. "It may have actually been worse than Twilight."

"Oh no!" The flower of my life Miss Mikuru Asahina cried out in words of despair. Don't worry Miss Asahina I'll save you from any horrible movies, just come into my arms and I'll protect you.

"Well it sure sounds like a terrible movie if you put it that way Miss Suzumiya." Koizumi added. Bastard don't encourage her – everyone knows nothing is as bad as Twilight anyway.

"So why the hell did you have to call all of us over just so you could tell us that?" I asked the obvious question.

Haruhi twitched her nose then crossed her arms and stared down at the battered DVD player. "I'll need a new DVD player now, you brought that money right Kyon?"

By the way I forgot to mention my name's Kyon. Well that's what everyone call me actually but my real name is-

"Hey KYON are you listening?" My peaceful thoughts were violated by Haruhi's polluting noise. "Stop daydreaming about yourself this is serious."

"So why am I forking out to pay for YOUR DVD player which YOU yourself broke?"

"Because, it's not my fault this movie remake was so awful that I was forced to break the DVD player." Of course she's right isn't she? No-one could ever possibly challenge Haruhi's logic so I conceded with a long sigh.

"So I'm guessing you brought us here so we could find you a new DVD player.

Haruhi bore a smile that would normally be considered innocent and cute on any other girl but with her it meant she was conjuring up something nasty like another Closed Space, or even plans to make another Movie for the school festival. "Ah-ah-ah! YOU Kyon have been delegated the vital task of buying me a new DVD player, whilst I go back home and recover after such a traumatic viewing experience." I would've laughed if only I didn't already know that Haruhi was dead serious with those words.

"Alright, but you better not trash your new one every-time you watch a crappy movie alright?" And with those wonderful words of advice I left Haruhi and the poor electronic appliance scattered by her feet, guided by my three 'wonderful' supernatural companions on a ground-breaking quest to find Haruhi a new DVD player.

Little did I realise as I was walking away from her, that Haruhi's tantrum would spark the dawning of an apocalypse, so terrifying that it would make Miss Asahina cry...Oh wait...Never mind...

Kyon: Wait. So is that the end of the first chapter already?

TM: Yeah...why?

Kyon: Don't you think it was a little short?

TM: Yeah but it's supposed to be short. Most people don't like reading 3000+ word chapters.

Kyon: But we didn't even reach the part where I become a Devilman.

TM: Shhh! Oh dammit now you've spoiled it for everyone.

Kyon: But it was obvious from the beggining. Come on you should have at least reached that part.

TM: Geez Kyon can't you just until the next chapter?

Kyon: Grr...Whatever, I can't believe I agreed to this stupid fanfic anyway.

TM: Hey aren't you suppossed to be in a closed space with the Twilight cast right now?

Kyon: Huh?

TM: Nothing-nothing anyway - ahem - what could possibly be in store for Kyon and the SOS brigade now? Don't miss the next exciting chapter!

Kyon: I buy a DVD player and that's about it.

TM: Shut up already.