The Azuma one-shot one will take a while to make, (I lose interest when I'm in the middle of it often) So I will still make new one-shots until it is done. Now, those of us who keep up with the series know about Zancrow's sudden death. Well, today, I was in church and wondered how Zancrow would go in the Pearly Gates. I think we all know that answer. So then I wondered, how can I make my most favorite character going to hell funny? Well here's what I got. I really don't give a damn, but in know way do I mean to offend any religions. Or the state of Akansas.
Whiteness
Zancrow opened his eyes and saw white all around him. Needless to say he was confused. Zancrow closed his eyes trying to remember what happened before he awoke.
"Oh yeah..." Zancrow spat. He had a bitter taste in his mouth. "Zeref got me..."
Zancrow sat down on the white floor and put his head to his arms, "So this is the afterlife huh?" He sighed in annoyance, "This sucks. I may as well pass the eternity entertained. 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around, 97 bottles of be-"
"WILL YOU STOP?" A loud annoyed voice boomed.
Zancrow paused and looked around for a moment. Then he finished, "-er on the wall."
"Oh for God's sake!" Suddenly a table appeared with an old man behind it. "Hello, I am St. Peter. Now lets get this over with. I still have 99 souls to process before I can call it a day."
"99 soul left to be processed, 99 souls left-" Zancrow began to sing.
"Don't you even start boy!" St. Peter snapped. "I'll make this easy for you to understand. You tell me your name, I tell you your sins, you justify them, if I deem you worthy you go to heaven. If not, you go straight to the bottom."
"Bottom of what?" Zancrow asked.
"What do you think?" St. Peter replied with a snark.
"... Limbo?" Zancrow inquired.
"Lim- WHAT? NO! God, how can you-" St. Peter stopped himself and took a few deep breathes and smiled calmly. "Well, don't worry about it my son. I am sure it is nothing for you to worry about. Now what is your name."
"Saint Peter."
St. Peter nodded an opened the book, "Okay. Saint Pet- Seriously? You're seriously going to play this game?" Zancrow snickered. "What is your damned name!" He shouted at him.
"Okay old man, relax. No need to pop a blood vessel." Zancrow mocked. "It's Zancrow." He told him.
St. Peter looked at his book for a moment and smiled devilishly, "Oh, this I will enjoy. Let's just look at you major sins. You have over 1500 counts of sexual harassment. 754 of which belong to a woman named Ultear. How do you justify that?"
"Okay, first off, Ul knew I was joking around those times." Zancrow defended.
"Oh? And how do you defend the other half?" He mocked.
"I tripped."
"You tripped...?"
"That is correct."
"On at least 750 women?"
"Have you seen the way I walk?"
"Point taken. I've actually been meaning to ask you about that. Why DO you walk that way?"
"Well you see," Zancrow began, "I got stiffness in my bones. I also happen to have had mortgages on my home. But there weren't any beuty queens in that locality, I tell ya. But believe me, I still found ways to get my treasure. I still got my greatest treasure. Those big woman, they made a big man out of me!"
"..."
"..."
"Moving on." St. Peters eyes scan the page, "You have stolen exactly 455 lb of goods on your own. Care to explain."
"I didn't STEAL anything. I simply sampled the products." Zancrow explained slowly, as if speaking to a child.
"Sampled?"
"Yes. I took them, tried them out, was unsatisfied, and burned it all. Ya know, like all samples."
St. Peter pinched his head and took in a deep breath before continuing. "You have killed 22,376 people in your lifetime. ... Jesus Christ... And 70% of them were your own teammates."
"You just had to bring that up!" Zancrow waved his hand in annoyance.
"Well, yeah, murder is kinda a big deal here in the after life. So what's you're excuse, hm?"
"Not my fault god put Friendly Fire on." Zancrow retorted
St. Peter stared at him, "Really? That is your excuse?"
"Pfft, no."
"Oh okay go-"
"They stepped into my line of sight when I was fighting." St. Peter stared at him with disbelief. "What?"
"You killed 15,663.2 teammates in battle. How do you even manage that?" St. Peter exclaimed with great confusion.
"I have a very large attack radius." Zancrow said flatly.
"... You know what, I'm done questioning your answers. Lets just move on." St. Peter gave up.
"Wow, took you longer than I expected."
"MOVING ON!" St. Peter repeated angrily, earning chuckles from Zancrow.
"How do you explain all of the counts of jaywalking, arson, attempted murder, bribery, child abuse, disorderly conduct, fraud, hate crimes, and loitering?" St. Peter asked, literally reading of the list, just wanting to be done with this man.
"I sleepwalk," He lied.
"... Okay, yeah sure. And how do you explain all of the false idolism, and use of the lords name in vain?" St. Peter asked, finishing up his list.
"For those... I'm not apologizing." Zancrow admits.
"That is probably the most honest answer I've gotten out of you this whole time. But I'm afraid it's still not enough to grant you access into Heaven." St. Peter replied coolly.
"Wait! What about the good I've done?" Zancrow cried out. "Like the time I saved that cat from that tree? Or the time I gave Caprico those sunglasses."
St. Peter looked into his book for information on the events and nodded and replied, "Yes, well you see, those glasses you bought him, where actually glass explosives and glass shards had gotten into his eye when the exploded. As for the cat, well, while you did save it from the tree, you then burned it alive and served it at Kaine's Birthday party, saying it was a chicken. You then stood by, and watched him eat it whole."
"Ah... you knew about that huh...?" Zancrow chuckled weakly.
"Yes. Goodbye Zancrow." St. Peter pressed a button and Zancrow suddenly fell through the floor. "Have fun in hell." He closed his book and yelled out, "Next soul!"
Suddenly St. Peter was transferred to the next soul.
"Yes... Hello. What is your name?" He asked with out looking up.
"FRED FRED BURGER! Yes." A loud, obnoxious voice replied.
St. Peter looked up in horror and rubbed his temples, "God Dammit!"
IN HELL!
Zancrow woke up on the edge of a red cliff. At the bottom was fire. "Man, I need to stop waking up in random ass places. Now where the fuck am I? Arizona?"
"Welcome to hell, sinner," A large red horned demon said, appearing in a burst of flame. He had a large red pitchfork and a triangle tail. "I am Satan. Now just leap into the fire so we can begin your eternal fire."
"No." Zancrow replied.
"Excuse me?"
"I said, no. You get in the fire."
Satan rose and eyebrow and poked him with his pitchfork. "Do you have any idea who you are talking to? I am Satan! The fallen angel! The all mighty demon! The harbinger of death and destructio-" Satan ranted before Zancrow rudely interrupted in a bored tone.
"Cool story bro. Now get in the fire." Zancrow moved to the side and pointed to the edge of the cliff.
"What is wrong with you? This is your last warning. Get in the fire or I'll throw you in myself." Satan threatened.
Zancrow waved him over and taunted, "Try me."
Satan angrily charged at him, but Zancrow moved out of the way. Satan stopped right at the edge of the cliff, and Zancrow was already behind him. Zancrow shouted out, "This! is! HELL!" Zancrow proceeded to kick him in the back, not only knocking him into the fire, but making him drop his pitchfork as well.
Zancrow picked up the pitchfork and suddenly he was wearing a set of red and black robes with a pentagram on the front. "Whoo! New king of hell! I am SO looking forward to rubbing this in Ultear and Azuma's face when they die! Hell yeah!"
I thought of an alternate ending where he killed St. Peter and then god and ruled heaven, but decided against it. Don't want to offend anyone anymore than I already have.
On a side note: I have a now have a Steam Account. If you want to play Team Fortress 2 with me (the only game I have. Too poor to get anything else), add me. My account is arfman21
Notice: I have this week off for spring break so don't expect anymore then one one-shot other then this one.
Like all of my other stories, leave your thoughts in the form of a review and PM me with any One-Shot idea's you would like to see, and maybe I'll make it happen.
Sleep well everyone.