A/N: This little ficlet is absolutely and completely AU. Why not after the third movie? It's bad enough turning Will Turner gay. But turning dirty pirate, member-of-the-undead Will Turner gay? Come now, I am a lady after all. I do have some class!
A/N 2: Oh, and for those who weren't quite looking - this is a parody. Just so you've all been warned.
A/N 3: Of course, I don't own any of the characters, nor do I own Pirates of the Caribbean. All I own is the plot, and even then there are those who've helped me along the way and deserve many thanks [see dedication. I just play with the characters from time to time and promise to put them back as I found them when I'm finished.
Dedication: To Jessie. My muse, my confidante, and my encouragement. Thank you, sister!
The Day Will Turner Woke Up Gay
It was a finer day than most, and for reasons he couldn't quite describe. But Will Turner felt... Well, hmm, how exactly could he put it? He slid his lithe, scrawny body out of his bed and grinned at the still-rising sun, stretching his arms over his head. What were the appropriate words for a feeling such as this?
Oh! Light in his loafers!
Or, perhaps that wasn't the best of metaphors, considering the very obvious fact that he wasn't wearing loafers at the time. Never mind that he never usually wore loafers to begin with. He preferred something a bit more fashionable. With a shiny buckle. Alas, though, we have digressed. Whatever it was about this particular day, it had Will Turner in a fine mood. So fine, in fact, that he felt the sudden urge to bathe and put on something... pretty.
Not that a blacksmith-slash-pirate would own anything particularly pretty to begin with, but our fair William Turner had a few things hidden away in his closet. He'd purchased these few items on a whim - mostly while finding ways to surreptitiously follow Miss Swann on her various shopping trips for reasons to be revealed later - and it was only today that he was seeing their true potential. Will had thought them rather gaudy and useless at the time, but God's thumbs, today was a new day! William felt like a new man!
A man who wanted to be pretty!
But first, to attend to matters of personal hygiene. After all - a dirty man was most certainly not a pretty one! Luckily for our dear, dear William, the predicament he found himself in was easily remedied. The tub was awaiting him; due to his profession, Will was able to keep a supply of hot water on hand, with which he quickly filled the aforementioned tub.
And then came the time to peruse his bathing options. The wooden chest filled with various bathing sundries he'd also happened to purchase - telling himself they were gifts for Miss Swann, but later finding them far too pretty to part with - awaited him on the table near the tub. He approached the chest - thankfully this chest needed no key and contained no still-beating heart of any sort of undead creature - and delicately lifted the lid. And it was then that William found himself in yet another predicament.
Jasmine or honeysuckle?
It was quite the conundrum, really. Or perhaps he could even choose a soap that was a bit more... William. Ah, yes. There it was. Sandalwood. After all, one should always save the lighter scents for their hair. Ah! His hair! Poking a bit more through the chest, William was able to procure a hand blown glass bottle he'd acquired - again as yet another "gift" for Miss Swann - and smiled at the label.
Even before today, it had been Will's one indulgence no matter where he was. And the lovely women of Tortuga - whores is such an ugly word - were more than happy to accommodate the meager request of replenishing Will's stock. "Ye Olde Conditioner". He wasn't sure what exactly it was, but it made his hair incredibly soft and shiny and... well, to use the word of the day, it made our William's hair downright pretty.
Now that all the appropriate accouterments had been assembled within reach of the tub, the process of bathing could begin. William fetched for himself a rather large, soft, and fluffy towel - a man should never sell himself short when it came to choosing those fabrics that come closest to his body - and began the process of stripping off his nightwear.
Perhaps, though, it would be best to not describe the bathing process that William engaged himself in. After all, what need is there to violate dear Will's privacy in order to describe the meticulous manner in which he scrubbed beneath his fingernails? Or the extra attention he paid to his feet. Although they spent most of their time encased in those dreadfully practical leather shoes, Will was rather fond of his feet.
And he told each of his toes just as much whilst giving them each their own massage. A deep dark secret though it may have been, William was very much a man of the foot.
But the crowning moment of the entire bath, truly, was the washing of his hair. Of course, one cannot indulge the procedures in which Will engaged in order to satisfactorily cleanse and condition his lustrous locks. A true - and pretty - man never reveals the secret of his pride and joy. Suffice to say it was somewhat along the lines of lather, rinse, repeat.
Once he has arisen from the now-cooled waters of the tub, much like a merman emerging upon the coast from betwixt foam-capped waves - ah, what a glorious vision that made in Will's mind! Well, glorious until he realized that said merman would also be covered in slimy, icky, yucky seaweed, and suddenly the vision wasn't quite as lovely as he'd first envisioned. Surely no slimy seaweed-covered merman could toss his mer-hair as well as William could anyway.
Ensconced in the aforementioned fluffy towel, Will made his way toward the wardrobe that contained all the items necessary for William to make himself pretty. And today was the day that he was going to have absolutely no inhibitions. The doors to the wardrobe swung silently open and as William gently patted his oh, so delicate skin dry, Will began to peruse his options, imagining each combination of clothes and the way it would settle upon his body. How it would add shape here, or perhaps nip in there - not that there was much of William to nip in to begin with.
Oh, but there were so many options! Vaguely, he wondered if Miss Swann ever felt this way when she stood in front of her own wardrobe every morning. And then he assumed that she absolutely must - any woman with that many clothes had to go simply mad trying to pick out just one outfit to wear.
Although she did seem to be picking up a habit of wearing more and more of William's clothes. The thought didn't bother Will so much as he wondered if that meant he would be allowed to have his pick from her jewelry box. How he did love something shiny with which to adorn himself!
Thus it came to happen that William found himself slipping into a pair of leather knickers. The soft, supple material matched his equally soft and supple thighs, giving William pause to admire himself in a full length mirror he didn't dare tell anyone he had in his possession. A pretty man, after all, could never appear to be vain -- it would disgrace the pretty. But in this moment, William allowed himself the indulgence of looking at his reflection, especially after he'd slipped on a silk shirt. It shone in the sunlight drizzling through the window, and Will waved his arms about for a moment, enjoying the way the fabulously large sleeves billowed with the movement.
It was then that William began to pine that much more for Miss Swann. Well, at least for her jewelry. The extremely deep neckline of the shirt showed off a vast expanse of William's chest. A chest he was rather proud of, however one that he was just now noticing was extremely lacking in hair. If he peered close enough, William could see one or two courageous hairs peeping out, but he was fairly certain no one would be close enough to his chest to notice these tiny little seedlings. A shiny necklace from Miss Swann, however, would be just the thing to make up for his rather unmanly lack of hair. Though it was pretty. Maybe an oil of some sort to add some shine would be just the trick to turn this so-called flaw into an asset. But the thought of smearing oil all over his chest, while sounding good for the first hour or so, sounded rather slimy and not so pretty after four or five hours.
So perhaps he could ask Jack for something. The man seemed to truly love accessories, and Will only wished the pirate would put as much effort into actually keeping himself clean. Although, there was something rather attractive about Jack when he was dirty. Which was all the time. It seemed a strange anomaly that a man such as Captain Jack Sparrow could make being dirty look devilishly handsome - and Will secretly pined for Jack's skills with kohl for lining his eyes. But our dear Will attributed it to Jack being just that - an anomaly. A dirty anomaly. It was then that Will couldn't help - well, oh my, was that a giggle? Yes, it was! He had giggled at his thoughts of dirty Jack!
But Will was not about to entertain dirty thoughts - no matter how tempting they may be - until he was completely dressed. And then, once he was fully dressed, perhaps he would examine these thoughts in more detail. A grin on his face at the possibilities for the rest of his day, William bent to slip on his stockings. Being a man of the foot, William was most chagrined at the idea of having to hide his precious feet. But not only was William a man of the foot, he was also a very clever man. Not that past incidents would indicate that our dear William had many synapses firing away in his brainpan, but when given the adequate opportunity, our darling William truly was rather crafty.
For you see, these stockings were no ordinary stockings. They were spun of only the finest of sheer silk cloth - imported from Singapore, of course - with just enough of an embroidered pattern so that William would not be mistaken for going bare legged with knickers. Really, what man would be caught bare legged in knickers? The idea was atrocious, for it also meant being barefooted in one's leather shoes and oh, the awful and sweaty consequences of committing such an atrocity!
Finally, after slipping into his favorite leather buckle shoes, William took a moment to survey his reflection in the mirror. He'd never admit it to anyone else, but William thought he looked rather pretty. No, perhaps he exceeded the pretty. Yes, there had to be a better word to describe how he looked. Dashing? Handsome? Beautiful? Smashing? Gorgeous! Yes! That was it! Gorgeous! Perhaps even better than gorgeous, but it was the one that William felt rolled off his tongue the best.
He turned around to examine his appearance from the rear. Ah, yes, his perfect, pert behind. What matter did it make that on any other given day it was a mite on the small side and that, if he wasn't wearing his leather knickers no one ever really noticed it? In these pants, his backside was that of a Greek god. Nay, a Caribbean god, for surely no Greek god's tush could measure up to William's.
It was then that William giggled in a rather giddy manner. But this action gave William pause. He had never giggled before. Guffawed, chortled, chuckled, and mayhaps even squealed once - Miss Swann was sworn to secrecy on that occasion - but a giggle? Truly, was that a giggle that had just escaped William's lips? He believed, and ultimately had to admit, that it was. A giggle! Of all the... Suddenly, things began falling into place in his head. The giggling. The pretty. The soaps. The feet. The strange flutterings whenever he saw his favorite pirate captain. The feet. The clothing. And, my God - had he mentioned the feet?!
The epiphany dawned upon Will with all the light and shiny glory of a thousand sunrises, almost overwhelming in its enormity. He had to get out. William had to leave this place. "Come out!" his brain seemed to scream at him. And what choice did William have other than to listen? And listen he did, bursting forth from his humble dwelling, heading immediately for the docks.
The internal realization, surprisingly, did not shock William, so much as it made him want to giggle again. After all, what more could a man of his persuasion do upon admitting to himself the full truth? William needed to tell someone, and he knew exactly who his first choice was going to be. The one person in all of the Caribbean who might understand. Who might yet love and accept him in spite of - nay! because of! - his newfound way of thinking. He ran gracefully down the streets, William's lithe, nimble legs carrying him in a sort of rhythmic trotting manner that included the occasional hop, his arms flailing wildly and thus displaying the full glorious magnitude of his billowing sleeves.
It was on this particularly wonderful day that William was easily able to find Jack, who was currently stretched out on the gangplank of his ship, sunning himself whilst rolling a peanut across his knuckles. The pirate captain in question was apparently too preoccupied to notice the excessively pretty - and strangely clean - blacksmith-turned-pirate running, skipping, and otherwise hurtling himself toward the aforementioned pirate captain.
"Jack!" William cried enthusiastically. "Jack! Get up! I have something I need to tell you!"
Startled at being interrupted in his attempts to see how many times he could pass the peanut across his knuckles, Jack jumped and let out a strangled cry. The peanut flew into the air and met its unfortunate end in the waters between the ship and the dock. It caused Jack great displeasure to have lost this peanut, and he stared after it as it floated away on the rippling waters. "My peanut," he muttered in disappointment. Of course, there was a whole barrel full of peanuts in the hold of the ship. The hold, however, was at quite a distance from the Jack's current location on the gangplank, and he supposed he ought to deal with whatever thrilling news Will might be delivering before attempting to find another peanut.
"Jack! Thank goodness I've found you! I need to tell you something!" William came to what could be considered a rather abrupt, and somewhat clumsy, halt at the end of the gangplank.
He managed to get himself to his feet, and once he was steady, Jack made his way down to meet Will at the end of the gangplank. "And what news might this be that required the death of a rather noble peanut in order for it to be told in such an ostentatious manner?"
The excessive use of words seemed to confuse Will, but he was set on telling Jack of his epiphany, regardless of the pirate captain's ability to talk circles around the greatest of orators, whether or not any of it made any true sense. "Jack... I have a confession to make. It might shock you, but I think it's for the best and, really, it's not as life-changing as it may seem."
An eyebrow went up as Jack waited for the news, rather impatient now that his mind was set upon finding another peanut. "Well, then. You'd best be out with it already."
Will paused, rather dramatically, to take a deep breath, and then finally came out. Er, came out with the news, that is. "I've come to the realization that... well... I'm gay, Jack."
"That's it then?" Jack asked, being immediately met with a nod of acknowledgement. "Savvy," said Jack, who was about as shocked as a statue. He turned and began the trek up the gangplank, already counting on his fingers how many other barrels stood between himself and the sought after barrel of peanuts.
"That's all you're going to say?" Will called after him, rather deflated and crestfallen at such a casual response. Honestly, he was hoping for at least some sort of reaction from the spastic pirate.
Jack raised his arm, waving his hand rather nonchalantly at Will. He turned his head to glance back at William and offered him only the following by way of explanation. "We knew, dahling. We already knew."
Random Author's Note That Really Has No Point Except to Keep You Reading: The exceedingly superfluous A/Ns I've included? Also parodies. Smooches!