A/N: Inspired by the tale of Snow White by the Brothers Grimm, this story was originally written for a friend using original characters from a Harry Potter RPG. I've adapted it to fit the Harry Potter era we all know and love. I don't own Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Voldemort or any other character from the Harry Potter franchise. I also don't own J.K. Rowling, but she's not in this story except by mention. This is all just for fun (and hopefully a good laugh), so I hope you'll read and enjoy!
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away there lived a beautiful princess named Draco Malfoy. The princess had soft golden locks, pale, porcelain skin, and ice blue eyes as chilly as the coldest winter. That's why the princess was known throughout the land as Snow White, but since he hated nicknames, he often yelled at people who called him that.
His mother and father had perished in a freak accident involving a hippogriff and a flying motorcycle, and his evil step-mother ruled the kingdom with an iron fist. Malfoy hated his step-mother, but at least his step-mother was beautiful. His step-mother was the fairest maiden in the land. After all – a talking mirror said so, so it must have been true.
One day Malfoy decided to run away from home, because that's the sort of thing that moody teenagers like to do. To make it extra dramatic, he didn't even bother bringing food or clothes with him. He just ran into the woods, tears streaming down his cheeks, his golden locks wafting in the wind, until he literally ran right into someone very large and solid and fell to the ground. "What the – who the hell are you?" said a gruff voice.
Malfoy scrambled to his feet and adjusted the tiara on his head. "I'm Princess Malfoy! I've run away from my evil step-mother, Voldemort, and I intend to live out the rest of my days in these woods. Now bow to me, peasants!"
The men – at least he thought they were all men – did not bow. Actually, the one he'd run into suddenly let out a laugh. It was only then that he realized the man was wearing a mask. In fact, they were all wearing masks. And hoods. And cloaks. Malfoy, however, was just confused. No one ever disobeyed him in the castle. This was not how he wanted things to go at all. He frowned.
The large man in front of him simply patted his shoulder. "You're all right, kid. Stick with us and we'll let you live in our headquarters rent free."
"Headquarters?" Malfoy asked curiously.
"That's right – headquarters. It's where we do our evil plotting and stuff. Come on. We'll show you. By the way, my name's Growly. This is Meanie, Stabby, Chokey, Choppy, Crabbe, and Goyle. We're known as the Seven Deatheaters," he announced proudly. Stabby gave him a little wave and Goyle made a thumbs-up sign.
When they made it back to headquarters, Malfoy was pleasantly surprised. It was a bit chilly, but the décor was a nice combo of retro and post-modern. Growly leaned over, and as if he'd been reading Malfoy's mind, whispered, "Crabbe's got a thing for interior design."
Malfoy raised an eyebrow and Growly nodded before adding. "If you know what I mean." Malfoy's eyes widened and his mouth formed a little "o" of understanding.
From there, Malfoy and his new friends decided to gather around the dinner table and they fell into comfortable conversation.
Meanwhile, back at the castle, a very angry queen was pacing up and down the royal dressing room. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I'm going to give you one last chance to give me the right answer before I smash you to tiny little bits," growled a fuming Voldemort. "WHO is the fairest maiden of them all!?"
The mirror rolled its eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry, my queen, but as of 2:15 P.M. today, Princess Malfoy has officially taken over as fairest maiden. You'll have to take it up with him."
This was impossible – preposterous! Voldemort growled angrily before storming out of his chambers and over to Malfoy's bedroom, but when he arrived, the room was empty. The evil queen let out a gasp of shock. "You! Servant. Where is Snow White?"
The servant dropped to his knees and bowed low. "H-h-he left, your majesty. He ran away into the woods crying and flailing his arms dramatically."
Voldemort let out an angry growl and the next sound anyone heard was the ominous crack of a neck snapping.
Meanwhile, back at the Seven Deatheaters' Headquarters, a loud argument had arisen.
"We can't let the princess join the Seven Deatheaters. That will make us eight! You can't have eight people in a gang called the 'Seven Deatheaters', that's just ridiculous," argued Stabby.
"You're ridiculous," Crabbe retorted.
"Your MOM's ridiculous!"
"ENOUGH!"
Crabbe interrupted the lot and everyone turned to look at him.
This was getting them nowhere, and Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Guys, it's a nice thought, but I can't join your band of dark wizards. I'm a princess! I have to marry a prince and have little royal babies and all that crap. Except my step-mother's fairest maiden in the land, and there's only one prince left in the whole wide world, and he's going to choose the evil queen unless I trick him into marrying me first."
Growly cleared his throat. "Well then – how do you propose we do that?"
Malfoy shrugged.
Meanie piped up then. "You could bake him a pie – everyone love pie."
There was a soft murmur of assent from the rest of the Deatheaters.
Malfoy might have had his hands wrist-deep in dough, but the Evil Queen was far too busy plotting his demise to think about desserts. A tray of his favorite doughnuts (with green sprinkles of course) sat untouched on a nearby table.
Voldemort discretely adjusted the girdle beneath his gown as he paced the throne room. The very last prince in the whole, wide world was going to be visiting their far away kingdom soon and he had to be the fairest maiden in the land by then, which meant getting rid of the only maiden fairer than he!
Suddenly, he was struck with an idea. "Servant!" he called to the nearest subject. "Fetch me a carriage, and my… puppy dog. We're going for a little walk." Thoroughly pleased with his stroke of genius, Voldemort threw back his head and cackled as loudly and evilly as he could.
Malfoy frowned. His creation didn't look at all like the picture.
"This doesn't look at all like the picture. Do you really think Prince Harry will like it?"
"Sure he will," Chokey lied and patted Princess Malfoy on the back.
Malfoy sighed and slumped into a chair before smoothing out the wrinkles in his skirt. He was not at all convinced. And now he was out of apples.
After a brief pit-stop at the local In-and-Out, Voldemort munched away happily on a burger and French fries. Out front, a grouchy middle-aged man walked along beside the horse that drew the carriage.
Voldemort took a sip of his shake, then yelled out of the window. "Anything yet?"
The moustached man sighed. "Your evilness, I already told you. I'm only a wolf at the full moon. I can't actually track people by scent."
"Silence, slave!" the queen retorted angrily. "You will do as you're told, now sniff!"
Again the man sighed, and though he knew it would do no good, he sniffed audibly and then sneezed when a bit of dust got up his nose.
Ok, so the pie idea had been a total bust, but Deatheaters were nothing if not persistent. And possibly insane, but most definitely persistent.
The Prince would be arriving in the kingdom soon, and the Deatheaters had concocted a brilliant ruse to get him to the headquarters in the woods. They simply published a fake article in the Daily Prophet informing the kingdom that a fair maiden had fallen victim to a spell, and that no one but Prince Harry could awaken said maiden.
It then gave a map to the headquarters so that Prince Harry could easily find it. The plan was pure genius.
"So wait, I just lie here and pretend to be asleep? And then what?"
"Then he kisses you," Goyle explained.
Malfoy wrinkled his nose. "Ew. Fine, ok whatever. Let's just do this."
Malfoy laid back down on the table just as there was a loud knock at the front door. Stabby let out an excited squeal and Growly, the tallest of the bunch, went to answer the door. He answered the door and standing there was a man with a cloak. Behind his mask, Growly raised an eyebrow. "Who are you?" He was pretty sure Prince Harry had black hair, and this guy just sort of looked like a snake.
Suddenly, the guy cackled and threw open his cloak and dropped his hood. "It's me! The Evil Queen. I'm here to find Snow White."
From the other room a voice echoed, "Stop calling me that!"
Voldemort tried pushing past Growly, but only found himself blocked by Stabby, Chokey, and Goyle. They had thin wooden sticks in their hands and had them aimed at the evil queen.
"Don't make us use these!"
The evil queen blinked at them, then threw back his head and laughed. "And what exactly are you going to do with those, hmm?"
"Simple," said Chokey, and all at once the three Deatheaters followed by their brethren descended upon the evil queen and started hitting her with the twigs.
"Ow, ow, OW! Stop it! Stop it, that stings!" whined the queen.
It was another voice, though, that made them stop stark still. "What – the…"
A very stunned (but very dapper) young prince had walked into the room. The Deatheaters backed away immediately, and the queen stood up tall, adjusting the crown on her head. "Prince Harry," he squeaked. "What are you doing here?"
"To be honest, I'm not sure," he admitted. "Nobody bothered consulting me about being in this story, but whatever. I'm here now. Who are you?"
"Why, the Evil Queen, of course," the queen cooed as he sashayed forward. "Voldemort." He held out a pale, knobby hand for the Prince to kiss and batted his eyelashes.
The Prince raised an eyebrow and gingerly shook the queen's hand. "Right," he said, dragging out the word. "Charmed."
Just then, Meanie stepped in between the pair. "But who you really want to meet is Snow White."
"Princess Malfoy!" echoed a distant (but clearly annoyed) voice.
Meanie rolled his eyes. "Right this way…" He shoved the Prince forward and nearly hurled him into the dining room. There, on the table, with a quilt pulled up around him, was a sleeping princess (as evidenced by the tiara of course).
As he approached cautiously, Harry could have sworn he saw an eye slit open.
"He's fallen under a curse, m'lord," explained Goyle, "You have to kiss him to break the spell."
Malfoy's lips puckered as if on cue and Harry looked positively green with disgust. "Oh you have got to be joking…"
"No! Don't! Don't do it!" Voldemort screamed as he pushed past the Deatheaters blocking the door and stumbled into the room. After regaining composure, Voldemort stood up straight and dusted off his gown. "You're meant to marry me, Prince Harry. I am the fairest maiden in the land and it is therefore my hand that shall be yours!"
Harry looked at him like Voldemort was clearly insane, but Voldemort continued nonplussed. "With Snow White –"
"Princess Malfoy," came an insistent murmur that the prince could have sworn came from the sleeping princess.
"- under a spell, there is no way that he can now be fairer than I!"
From his pocket, the cackling queen pulled out a mirror. "Mirror, mirror, in my hand. Who is the fairest maiden in the land?" he asked clearly and loudly, a twisted, expectant grin on his face.
The mirror let out a tired sigh. "Still Snow White."
"Princess Malfoy!"
The mirror rolled its eyes as the queen's face fell. Then, Voldemort collapsed in a heap of ugly sobs on the floor. Crabbe shuffled over to the queen and gave her an awkward pat on the back.
No one paid much attention to them because Snow Wh – Princess Malfoy had sat up on the dining room table, the shock of the pronouncement making him forget he was supposed to be pretending to sleep. He looked at the blond prince. "So I guess this means you get to marry me then," said Malfoy, his cheeks flushing as he looked away smiling shyly.
A beat of silence passed before finally, the prince spoke up. "Oh hell no. I did not sign up for this. Where the hell is J.K. Rowling? I married Ginny Weasley, damn it. GINNY WEASLEY!" The prince flailed his arms angrily, then grabbed the crown off his head and threw it against the wall. "I am so out of here!"
With that, the dapper young prince stormed out of the headquarters, mounted a Nimbus 2001, and rose up in the air. He zoomed off into the sunset, leaving Princess Malfoy on the table, his jaw hanging open in shock. Six of the seven Deatheaters surrounded him, patting him on the back and offering him words of gentle encouragement. Finally, Malfoy closed his mouth and frowned, his expression of shock twisting into an angry scowl. "I think I might want to join you guys after all. What do you say we pick out a different name then burn that bastard's castle to the ground?"
The whole group let out a whoop and a holler – all except for Crabbe, who was far too busy making eyes at Voldemort.
THE END
A/N: And they lived happily ever after! :D Hope you enjoyed it. For those that don't know, the In-and-Out is a fast food restaurant. It was included as part of an inside joke, but since I thought the situation of Voldemort stopping for burgers was funny in and of itself, I left it in. Anyway, if you liked the story, please review! Maybe I'll write a few more parodies if people are into it. :)