Wanting to Understand the Flowers of my Grief
I had been delighted with the idea of another child.
Kurara always chattered to her friends about her pride and joy. He hasn't even been born, yet frequently she pulled me out of my duties to walk around the village with her while talking about how he might look like and what quirks he may inherit. I didn't find her excitement unnecessary, I actually found it quite cute.
"I bet he's going to be such a softy like you." She gripped onto my arm as we walked.
"Dear, a shinobi is not supposed to be soft. Don't you mean a person who is doing what's necessary for the village and his family", I said as I felt her arm grip me tighter.
"You've been sensitive since the time I met you. Let yourself relax a little bit while we walk. I only take you out of your duties because you don't spend time with me or our child...I don't quite mind you being busy, but even though I have friends you're the one I want to see the most whenever you're gone."
She always knew what to say when she was with me.
"I'm sorry." I cannot hide my face from her.
"It's okay. I know you're only trying to provide the best for your family."
I miss her everyday when I'm away from her.
"Hey Rasa! Look they brought in new flowers from the greenhouse." She bounced around not caring whether or not she flopped over.
I wanted nothing more than to cover her with kisses. "Dear, calm down. Our child is not something you randomly shake around."
Realizing her mistake she settled as the storekeeper explained the names and origins of each flower.
"This one here is a chrysanthemum. It was originally brought here as an apology from one of the neighboring villages opposed to the third Kazekage's policies on visiting merchants. It was to wish him happiness on his new role as our leader..."
I saw the innocent enjoyment on her features as I waited on the other side of the room. I used to dislike flowers when I was younger, but with her I didn't mind their fragility.
She bought a few as she conversed with the cashier.
"Thank you very much. Have a nice day Kura!", the female cashier shouted as I walked Kurara out of the shop.
"What do you plan to do with those flowers, dear?", I said as I held her hand.
"I wanted to liven up our place a little bit, Rasa." Her smile warmed me up as she continued to sniff them.
I want nothing more than to make you and the kids happy, my love.
I saw her overlooking the village from the balcony.
"Dear, why are you still staying up? I already put the kids to bed. I know you like to look outside, but our child..." She cut me off.
"So you've finally admitted your concern", she quietly spoke as she turned to me.
I cannot hide myself from her.
"Yes, I do. Though dear it's only because you do this almost every night when I'm here." My voice faltered as she waved me over.
"Do you remember when you used to refuse to call me pet names? Always trying to avoid me whenever I tried to take you out on dates. Wanting to never acknowledge your feelings for me..."
I didn't understand what she meant back then.
"Yes.." I felt guilty during my times of confusion with her.
"Yet I never ran away from you. Not even once, because you know why?" She said wistfully.
"Why?", I inquired.
"Because I knew deep down the kindest man I've met would admit his feelings to me when I showed my heart and soul to him everyday, not caring if you even chose to say them to me at all until it was the end of time..."
Her voice made me want to wipe any dissatisfaction from her mind.
"I loved you so much my heart would have burst. And when you said you loved me on these type of nights I couldn't describe the feelings I felt..." Her eyes sparkled when she looked at me.
"...I was so happy I wouldn't have mind to have died then and there."
I never wanted her to stop.
"And with our love we created so much more than us two."
I dragged her to our bedroom that night.
She experienced so much hardship because of me. I couldn't help it when I was trying everything to save the village.
I held her hand as she strained in bed.
"I'm fine Rasa. I just didn't expect him to come so early", she said as she held her pregnant belly.
I rushed her to the hospital hoping I could save her from her pain.
The cries of a small child bounced inside the room.
"He's so beautiful Rasa. He just looks just like you. I-I'm so happy." She started to flat-line.
"Kurara!" I couldn't control myself when she looked so lifeless.
"Kurara! Kurara!" I couldn't even control my voice as our child continue to cry.
I wanted nothing more than to save her from her pain.
"Dad is momma gonna be okay?", Kankoro asked as Temari stood behind him.
I refused to say anything to them. I couldn't run from my shame.
"Rasa! Rasa. I'm pregnant", she said giddily as she dragged me out from the other room.
I couldn't the describe the warm feeling I had as she danced around.
"Come on. Aren't you as thrilled as I am?", she said as her eyes pulsed with her warmth.
"Yes." My short reply came from the sudden feelings that rushed inside me.
She smiled when she looked at me standing at the doorway.
She was the only person who could make me feel this way.
Later that night.
She hummed as she sat on the balcony.
As always, she sat there looking over the village.
I didn't feel like ruining her fun when she happily stared out at the buildings.
This was the only time I heard her sang other than when she was with Temari or Kankoro when they were infants.
Her voice was gentle as she sang.
"The wind and the sand can never stop the rays of the moon,
The weight of the land can only save her grace,
And when she is calling to the kindness of the sun,
She always waits for her love.
The rays of her love shines bright as she waits for him,
And even if the rain covers her longing plight.
She holds him close as they part ways,
Waiting for him to return the next day.
Even if he never comes she will always wait,
While she watches their son,
She will wait for him~"
I saw the maternal love she had for our child as she rubbed her non-existent bump.
I wanted nothing more than to make her happy.
I stood over her grave as I held our newborn child in my arms.
I wept looking at her epitaph.
"To the kindest person I've ever met. She always wished for everyone's happiness no matter who they were." It read.
I really hated to show my weakness as I groveled.
She was the only one who made me feel this way.
"Hey! Do you have any time after your mission?", Kurara asked as she stood waiting for his answer.
"I'm sorry, but I have to do an espionage mission immediately after this one." I hated lying to her.
"It's okay. I know you must be very busy all the time, right?" Her small grin made me want to punch myself in the gut.
"Yeah."
A few months later.
"You grew taller Rasa", she said as she looked up at me.
We were eating at a random restaurant in the village. I gave in after she asked me every time she saw me.
"I guess." My chopsticks clacked against the plate.
Her eyes continued to glance at me as she ate. I didn't want to be a pest.
"Is there something on my face Kurara?", I asked as she blushed.
"I just never thought you could look so handsome after all this time." She laughed as my cheeks burned brightly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" My faced became even redder as she laughed.
I really wanted to walk away from such a woman.
A few years later.
"You've became jounin Rasa! I just knew you could do it after all your hard work." Her gentle voice never seemed to bother me as she attempted to pat me on the head.
"What are you doing?", my younger self croaked.
"Can't I tousle your your hair? I just wanted to show you how delighted I am to hear that." Her warmth kept on pouring from here eyes.
"I-I guess it's okay." I bent over as she happily ran her hand through my hair.
It was so hard to tell her because I don't deserve her kindness.
A year later.
I felt her hand nip onto my sleeve.
"Rasa." Her voice held urgency. I tried to shake her off me.
"Rasa!" I turned around to face her.
"Why did you run away after telling me?" Her eyes were full of worry.
"I don't think I'm right for you Kurara." I refused to look in her eyes.
For several moments we stood in silence before I tried to walk off again.
"Rasa!" This time she pulled me around to face her.
My feet froze in place as tears streamed down her face.
She held me close as my eyes began to water.
"Don't leave me Rasa." She tightened her grip around me.
"Okay." It was all I could say as she held me.
As I looked over the village from my office I couldn't help but feel loneliness.
"Hey, you became the Kazekage Rasa! I'm so proud of you." Her voice echoed in my mind as I sat.
I wanted to hear her voice even if it's one last time.
A man burst through my door heaving as he struggled for words.
"Sir, your son is attacking the village again." Fear was laced inside his voice.
I didn't even notice as I stared out over the village.
I sat for a few moments before standing up.
"Alright." Was all I said as I ran towards him, my son.
I wished Kurara was here.
I encompassed him with my gold sand.
"I'm so sorry Kurara." I thought as I tried to pacify my son.
I never meant for you to disappear from this world.
I wanted so badly to cry as I thought of her.
I didn't want you to leave me.