It has been exactly 2 months and 11 days since Augustus passed away. Going on without him is hard-hitting, but it's okay. I'm okay. He's okay. Okay.
There are many things that I miss about Augustus. Aside from his extraordinarily breath taking good looks that I got to visually take in daily, I miss his sarcastic responses, especially in group. And how he loved to disagree with me, but then completely agree and be mesmerized by my responses, especially the first time he ever experienced one of my rants, which would be the first time he ever heard me speak. It was in group, I can't remember what I said, I can't remember what he said, all I can remember is the smirk he got on his face after I finished and the room dropped dead silent for not knowing what to do. As the silence had grown all I could hear are the words that still echo in my head at night, haunting me for Augustus. It was just a whisper but I could hear it, and I hold all the words he's ever said close to my heart. The exact words were, "Goddamn, aren't you something else." From that moment on I tried to be the best something else Augustus Waters had ever seen.
There are many experiences that I went through with Augustus Waters that I never told anyone about. I kept them to myself because right after they happened, poof, he was gone. And when something meaningful happens you usually want to keep it to yourself, some people like to scurry off to tell someone, but not me. Especially when that person is never to be seen again. I'm still trying to debate if I want to share some of these experiences, some are to personal and lovely that I want to keep them just between me and Augustus, and I hope that's okay. Okay? I will share one with you though, because I feel as if I keep it inside me any longer that it shall burst out and then I'll end up telling the wrong person, I hope you're not that wrong person at all.
One afternoon after me and Augustus and my mother had gotten back from our trip, before Augustus had gone downhill and gotten really bad, we took a trip to the gravesite. I know this is a very morbid thing to do for two dying teens, but it needed to be done. We walked around the grave site, walking up to random tomb stones and paying our respects for all the lost ones that would never come again. Augustus showed me where he would be buried, and I showed him where I would be, too. We were exactly 13 yards away from each other. Those 13 yards feel like 13 infinities. We continued to walk through the site, when Augustus had stopped suddenly. I walked over to see what the commotion was about and looked down to see the name written on the tomb stone to be none other than Caroline Mathers. I looked slowly up at Augustus just in time to catch his initial reaction. It was a mixture of remorse and sadness. I grabbed hold of his hand and squeezed tight. This made Augustus move closer to me and start to rub his thumb against mine, slowly. As his thumb pushed softer and more loving against mine tear drops started to fall from his eyes gently. It was a silent sob that erupted from him, but it was just as painful. It was painful for him, and it was painful for me. I whipped myself around and hugged him closer and closer as he started to shake faster and faster. As the sobbing grew and grew he started to collapse to the ground, I was still holding on to him, it was like if I let go, then I was letting go of us.
Augustus abruptly pushed me away and slid his hands up to his face, wiping the tears away. He looked up at me with such a heavy face that I could feel his heart aching. "I'm so very sorry Hazel Grace, I don't know what came over me, I don't want you to see me like this."
I had no indication of how to respond to this, so I got up and walked over to the grave next to Caroline's. I seized the flowers that were lying in remembrance and brought them over to Augustus. I sat back down and looked up at him, that goddamn beautiful face of his.
"Here lies Caroline Mathers; she was a good soul and even a better lover. Rest in peace dear Ms. Mathers." I took one of the flowers and lied it down at her grave, and then I handed the other to Augustus. He hesitated at first, but then built up his strength. "Caroline was indeed a good soul, even though we had a train ride from hell together, I shall never forget that beautiful face and beautiful soul. Rest in peace, Carrie." Augustus gracefully laid the flower next to mine and leaned over and kissed me right there, in the middle of a gravesite, next to Caroline. You may think this is a strange thing to do, for us to have a delayed memorial service for his deceased girlfriend, and then kiss at said grave stone. But that's just us. Our love conquers all, and the fact that I could share such an emotional moment in Augustus's life with him, shows that our little infinity triumphs all infinities.