"No! Listen, you're not getting it!"
Radek Zelenka fixed John with a frustrated stare. "What is there to understand, Colonel? I think this is perfectly easy to understand."
"Look…they snap the ball. They either run it, or they throw it, and if the throw is caught they run with it. Either way they run—legs, feet, everything!"
"But they do nothing with their feet."
"They do everything with their feet!"
"Muj Boze," Zelenka muttered, setting aside the crystal he was working on. "In football, the ball is kicked, with the feet. In your American version, the ball is never kicked with the feet."
"It is kicked with the feet!"
"It is?"
"Well…sometimes! Sometimes they have to kick it with their feet."
"So then sometimes they use their hands and other times they use their feet?"
"Sort of…yes."
"That does not make sense."
"It makes perfect…look. When the ball is in play they use their hands. Sometimes when they have no other options, they have to kick it with their feet."
"So they primarily use their hands."
John leaned against the desk. "Primarily."
"Then it is not football, if they are using their hands."
"It's not…!" John flung a hand through his hair in frustration. "You people use your hands sometimes with the soccer ball, right?"
"Sometimes."
"Then why in the world do they call it 'football' over there when you can use your hands?"
"Because most of the time they are using their feet!"
"So are we!"
"What's with all the noise?" Rodney McKay asked, an annoyed expression on his face as he entered the lab. "I could hear you guys all the way down the hall. What's going on?"
"I'm trying to explain to Zelenka here the nuances of American football, and how it is real football because they do use their feet!"
Radek shook his head. "In which case all the sports are football because everyone is using their feet!"
"Not in polo," John retorted, raising a finger. "And football's the only sport other than soccer where you take the ball from end to end solely with your feet."
"What about basketball?"
"In basketball they have to dribble the ball. It's not the same."
Radek fixed him with a disbelieving expression.
"American football is a little hard to understand," Rodney murmured, interrupting them. "Now if you want to watch a real football game, you should check out Canadian football. Last year in the Grey Cup…"
"You know what? Never mind," John muttered as Radek made a face and picked up his crystal from the table, muttering something in Czech.
"What?"
"You enjoy your football, and I'll enjoy my football. The better football. The real football."
"The 'football' you play with your hands."
John narrowed his eyes. "Well, it's better than using your head."
"At least that," Zelenka said, with a small smile, "is something we can agree on."