Play that Funky Music, Whiteboy

by Starscream's Mishap

To solve the mystery as to why Red Alert is so out of character, Prowl must act outside of his own perimeters.

Hey do it now...

October

Prowl tapped a finger on the table, his mind passing the speed of light and accelerating. If he moved Trailbreaker to the third floor, got Cliffjumper and Huffer to bunk, then the Aerialbots might have enough room; except that the minibots were vociferous about their subordinate conditions, real or imagined, and there was no way they would willingly share-

"Thank you, Perceptor. Jazz, do you have anything to report?"

The black mech stood up, nodding to Optimus Prime, Prowl, Perceptor, Red Alert, Silverbolt, Grimlock, and Ratchet. They were in their monthly meeting, presenting reports of their various divisions. Prowl had revealed their newest strategy of selling Code Red's time as a white hat hacker to large businesses to create extra funds to pay for the moving violations various Autobots had amassed. Code Red would not be bored or have to go to battle, Optimus did not have to worry about human interaction problems, and everyone was happy. Perceptor was working on a way to implant a force-field for the entrance to the ark. Jazz, head of Autobot Relations, noticed that an energon dispenser was stolen.

"Any leads?" Prowl had to often choke his desire to sound sarcastic. This was the least of their worries. It was the middle of a war, and Jazz thought he was running an Academy dormitory. A stolen energon dispenser? This was as ludicrous as his suggestion they reach out to the more isolated Autobots and make them feel more comfortable in the ark. Or the time he thought everyone should take up bowling. Or the meeting when his biggest complaint was the Lamborghini brothers sneaking off to the zoo to steal a llama. Or worse, the day he thought they should CLEAN the ark-

"Nope. It walked out of the commissary and no one's seen it." Jazz, although visored, cast a suspicious glance at Perceptor. "But there are some places I haven't checked." The scientists were known energon fiends who sent their only assistant to deliver energon by the mug-full to them all day, even though energon was supposed to stay in the commissary.

"Proceed," Perceptor replied, barely pleasant. "You will not find it there."

yeah hey...

November

"On behalf of the Protectobots, we would like to thank you all for your tireless efforts in trying to make us feel welcome here." Hot Spot was almost finished when a strange sound caught the Autobots off guard. The meeting halted as all eyes fell on the source of the harmony. Red Alert was lost in his own musical world, shoulders jerking in an unusual motion as he hummed. He looked up to find all optics were on him.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he sheepishly said, slumping slightly as he slunk down a little in his chair. The leaders continued to stare. Of all of the adjectives to describe Red Alert's personality, 'musical' was not one of them. Optimus decided to let it drop and conspire with Prowl and Jazz later about this.

"Jazz, have you recovered the missing energon converter yet?"

"No, Optimus. Now we have a new problem." The Dinobots were making too much noise at night, pounding the floors as though they were K'ung Fu fighting.

"ME GRIMLOCK SAID WE DINOBOTS SORRY!" The head Dinobot was standing up, indignant.

"It's OK, Grimlock," Optimus interjected. "Jazz has to tell us anyway." Grimlock glared. "Besides, you guys have been doing so well lately, I don't think it's that monumental a complaint." Grimlock sat back down, growling.

Yeah,

December

This time it was Prowl's turn to be bewildered. "Optimus, I've been going over the records and nothing makes sense."

"How?"

"That's what I can't determine," he replied, datapad in hand and shoulders shrugging. "There are a few dubious withdrawals from our monetary funds." The humans expected a medium of exchange when dealing with the Autobots, causing them to set up a checking account. The system was simple: fill out a form requesting a certain amount of money and for what reason, and it would be approved or denied on an individual basis. Except that there were a few forms that were suspicious.

"Such as?" Red Alert asked, ceasing his constant humming.

"There was a check written as 'cash,' five hundred dollars, with a form explaining it was 'For the Benefit of Mr. Kite'."

Jazz chuckled. Prowl glared, asking if something was funny. Jazz denied it, requesting he continue.

"The next check, for 'cash' was allotted to 'Let Omarosa Live.' What's an Omarosa?"

"It sounds evil," Prime commented dryly.

Jazz laughed again, only to be drowned out by Red Alert asking who was signing these documents.

"It says that I am. Except that this is not my signature." Prowl contrasted two documents, one for the embezzled funds, one getting petty cash to spring Tracks out of the impound lot after recovering from a lousy night in New York.

Optimus Prime stood up at the head of the table. "This is a serious breach of security. Red Alert, are you in charge of the paperwork concerning our financial accounts?"

The red and white mech shook his head. "I was under the impression that Prowl handled the hard copy the humans have us keep."

"So was I," agreed Optimus. "Prowl, I suggest you begin an investigation."

There was a funky singer
Playin' in a rock & Roll Band
And never had no problems yeah
Burnin' down one night stands

January

Finally, the meeting was out! Red Alert jauntily left the conference room with a spring in his step. He murmured a tune and jerked his shoulders as Prowl and Optimus stared.

"Buddy?" Red Alert turned around, the hum dying in his vocalizer.

"Hello, Inferno!" He had not seen his favorite associate in awhile, what with the fire truck's patrols. The two walked toward the commissary for energon, their favorite post-meeting activity that a lot of Autobots liked doing in the morning. Red Alert was so involved in discussion with his best friend he did not notice two figures sneaking up on him.

"Walk softer," whispered one. "You sound like a traveling junk yard."

"Shut up! This is not gonna work. This guy's so paranoid he'd hear a ghost walking." Bluestreak was waiting at the end of the hallway with the tar and feathers to complete their revenge on Red Alert for dubbing them 'Mary Kate and Ashley.' The names stuck, so the feathers had to as well.

"Not this time. Go!" Red Alert was tackled and carried off before Inferno could react.

"Hey!" The firefighter chased the Lamborghini twins down the hallway as fast as he could and lost them. "Bring him back!" Inferno felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. He turned to greet Prowl.

"Let him go," Prowl said, far knowledgeable blue optics twinkling. No sooner had he uttered this when Sideswipe and Sunstreaker came back up the hall with terrified expressions on their faces. Red Alert, riding Sludge's back, a bucket of tar in his hand, was laughing as he shouted things like 'Don't run! It's funny! Come back!' while the Dinobot breathed fire on their tailpipes to make them jump. Grimlock and the others would follow soon.

"Red Alert!" Prowl shouted. Red Alert leapt off of the Apatosaurus with a huge grin. He put the tar down.

"Yes Prowl?"

"I want you to go to Wheeljack and get a CPU probe." He handed the order to the confused mech, waiting for the paranoia to activate. To be sentenced to undergo a psychiatric exam was an insult to most Autobots; to Red Alert, it should have him screeching for hours.

He shrugged. "If you feel it necessary." He walked away, humming softly.

Inferno gaped after him. "Is he all rahght?" Inferno's drawl was not as heavy as Ironhide's but a few accents slipped.

"I was hoping YOU could tell me what's going on," the strategist suggested, motioning for Inferno to join him in his jaunt outside. He wanted to avoid the Dinobots. "The past few months he's stopped being himself. Cheerful, humming all the time...he's acting more laid back. I thought it was your influence." It was no special secret that the two were close friends. Inferno denied any deeper connection, claiming he had a girlfriend. Some thought otherwise...anyway, the two were good for each other: Red Alert fell apart, Inferno put him back together. Perhaps some of Inferno's easygoing nature had finally rubbed off.

Inferno scratched his head, staring down as he processed this. "Nah. Ah been on patrol fer a few weeks, so it ain't me. I was goin' to ask him mahself before the Olsen Twins kidnapped him." The sun was brighter outside. Prowl glanced around, looking for any hints of spies. Aha. Laserbeak was perched on a rock, beating a hasty retreat at the sight of Prowl waving his blaster in a friendly salutation.

"Red Alert?"

"Hello!" came the chipper reply on the commlink, as though Code Red and Wheeljack weren't in the middle of tapping his internal processor.

"I thought you would like to know that Laserbeak is here."

"Tell him I said hi!"

Prowl turned his radio off in disgust. "That mech is off his circuits!"

Inferno regarded the Datsun carefully. "Ya know, Laserbeak is always here. Maybe Red's not worried about him findin' anything worth reportin'. 'Sides, Red's takin' time off. Tracks is on guard duty today, it's HIS problem."

Prowl barely heard him. He was heading down to Wheeljack's lab.

And everything around me,
yeah
Got to stop to feelin' so low
And I decided quickly,
Yes I did
To disco down and check out the show

"His whole processor's clean," Wheeljack reported. "In fact, it's improved since his last checkup." Wheeljack pointed to a bunch of numbers. "His stress levels are WAY down."

"How can this be?" Prowl was searching every option. Wheeljack mentioned that Red Alert seemed to be absent a lot more these days. Maybe he was secretly dating a Miata. Prowl elbowed him and noted that Red's last admitted incident in which he pushed the panic button was two months ago, his best interval yet.

"Is this a bad thing?" Spike asked. He was helping out on his day off from school.

"Normally, no. But this is a guy who's programmed to be paranoid. If he's not suspicious of every little thing going on in this base, our security is compromised." The alarm went off.

"Speaking of which," Wheeljack said, grabbing his gun.

Yeah they was

Dancin' and singin'
and movin' to the groovin

February

Megatron had them surrounded: cliffs that dropped steeply down to the Niagara River (as well as the Horseshoe Falls) behind them, Decepticons in front, and nowhere to hide.

"Optimus!" Red Alert called. "The Constructicons are UNDER the falls! They're assembling as we speak to fly up here!"

'Well, he's still doing his job,' Prowl thought. "We need the Aerialbots!" he called, wondering why they weren't here.

"Negative! The Aerialbots are fighting Menasaur!"

Prowl looked around and something inspired him. "Then we need to jump into the river!"

"Are ya nuts?" Ironhide demanded. "We'll plunge to ahr deaths!" The extremely cold temperature was not his favorite, either.

"Farewell, Optimus Prime!" Megatron interrupted, shooting his ion cannon at his foes.

"JUMP!" bellowed the Autobot leader as the force of the shots pushed him in. "Follow Prowl!"

The water swirled around Prowl while the current carried him down the U-shaped cataract. All of the Autobots fell over the falls, screaming for effect. Megatron watched with satisfaction the moment the wreckage floated up at the bottom of the falls.

"Excellent."

Red Alert had not jumped in. At the last minute Skywarp charged at him hard enough to cause a hand-to-hand combat the other Decepticons thought worth watching. Red Alert, hands being held by a larger robot, backed off a step, regained his equilibrium, came forward a step, paused a moment, backed off a step, repeating the process a couple of times. Suddenly he lifted one hand over his head and let the second go, forcing Skywarp to let him pirouette. Faster and faster the white car spun, until his partner, confused, failed to notice Red Alert pulling a spare blaster from subspace until it was too late. Skywarp fell, dizzy from his wound. Red Alert looked up, saw he was vastly outnumbered, and dove for the falls.

"Ugh, my head." Skywarp glanced up to see his teammates scowling.

"What did the good fairy do to you, little bunny Foo-Foo?" Starscream sneered, kicking his side.

"Silence! The Autobots have been defeated." Megatron grinned happily.

"You're not falling for that trick again, are you, LEADER?"

"No Starscream. YOU will go down and inspect the wreckage."

Starscream gathered the Seekers and flew down, grumbling. As they swooped down over the eddying water, Starscream saw the sight of the smashed Autobots short out. The remains disappeared.

"I KNEW it was one of Hound's holograms! I was ri-AUGH!"

Devastator fell against the Air Commander, screaming, "Get 'em off! Get 'em off! HELP!" He frantically waved his arms but the Autobots were steadfastly attached. They had landed on their supposed attacker and latched on, not letting him go. He had Optimus in his hand and was squeezing him into a tin can when Red Alert collapsed on Devastator's face with a clunk. This elicited hysteria.

Skywarp, in no mood to deal with the Autobots, suggested Devastator separate. Prowl promptly shot the gestalt's arms, legs, and torso with acid pellets, causing the whole compilation to dissolve, falling to earth and giving the Autobot's time to leap off of the bodies into the much-gentler part of the river. Now that they were at the bottom of the water, they walked down to a safer area, reemerging together.

"Prawl, yer the smahrtest mech I ever met!" Ironhide slapped him on the shoulder fraternally. "Howdja know we'd hit 'em?"

"Once Red Alert showed me where they were, I took it from there." Overhead the Decepticons flew away in defeat. They had no reason to stay; their power generator had been destroyed. From the looks of things the only one not wounded was Megatron. Optimus thanked everyone for a job well done and called for them to roll out.

And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted
Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right
Play that funky music white boy
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die
Till you die ,
oh till you die

Gonna play that electrified boogie, yeah

March

Red Alert raced down the hall as fast as he could go without transforming. Indoor alt modes were considered bad form, even if he was an hour late for the monthly meeting. He tried to slink in, although he knew they were watching him.

"As far as I'm concerned, this is now a serious issue." Prowl was finishing his report. He turned to the latecomer. "What do you think, Red?"

Red Alert decided to confront his tardiness head-on. "I wasn't here to get that, I'm sorry."

"Where were you?" Every single face was in askance. Red Alert was never late.

"I overslept. The Dinobots were really loud again last night."

"ME GRIMLOCK SORRY!" Grimlock had a particularly frosty glare for the head of security.

Prowl sighed. "It hasn't happened in awhile. My concern is that more money has been pilfered from petty cash."

"Oh no!"

"Being in charge of security, I would like to assume that you are devising a plan to stop this."

Red Alert considered this. "I saw an episode of 'Survivor' where they buried their treasure..." he trailed off, realizing he might be in a lot more trouble than what he was accustomed. Whatever. Red Alert shrugged. Now Prowl was concerned.

"Perhaps we need more members on your team," Prowl mentioned casually. "Sideswipe and Sunstreaker might be of aid."

The white mech's optics widened. "No! I don't need any help! I'll take care of this problem myself!"

Optimus Prime felt the need to interject. "Red Alert, we're all worried about you. Your entire personality has changed. You have allowed quite a bit of Autobot protocol to go lax these past few months. I'm afraid I agree with Prowl, this money disappearing is serious."

"OPTIMUS PRIME, ME GRIMLOCK THINK US DINOBOTS CAN WATCH WITH RED ALERT."

"I appreciate the offer Grimlock, but I think I can handle this without the assistance of Dinobots. OR Sigfried and Roy." Red Alert glared at Prowl. "Besides, you'll get the fifty dollars back."

"How do you know about that?" Now Prowl was really perturbed. "I never told you it was fifty dollars."

There was no hesitation. "I needed it for something important. I'm sorry, I was going to pay you back, but right now I don't have the money."

"Why didn't you ASK me for it, instead of forging documents?"

Red Alert stared at the floor. "I can't tell you that."

Prowl produced the other two papers. "What about these?" No reply. "Red Alert, this is a serious crime!"

"I know."

"I don't think you do! I have to put you in the detention center for this! You'll be stripped of your rank and title!" Others joined in with the harassment.

Optimus raised his hand to silence the room. "Red Alert, this is a heavy offense. I am also concerned with the change that has ushered in this tendency to deviate as well. WHAT made you do it?"

Red Alert shook his head. "I will pay you back."

"Negative. You are under house arrest until further notice, with orders to undergo another CPU scan, effective immediately. Dismissed."

As Red Alert left the room, scowling, Optimus regarded Prowl. "He didn't want to take the money."

"I know. He's covering for someone else, and I want to know why."

"We can't spend all of our time and resources following him," Optimus reminded him glumly. Prowl brightened at this.

"I know someone who CAN!"

Hey wait a minute...

Now first it wasn't easy
Changin' Rock & Roll and minds
And things were getting shaky
I thought I'd have to leave it behind

Laserbeak stared at the Autobots uneasily as Code Red slipped a plug into his head. "This won't hurt a bit." Since the condor was unable to communicate via conventional methods, Code Red had to use his connecting abilities to tap into Laserbeak's database and retrieve the images to see of what Red Alert did when he slipped away from the ark.

Prowl glanced over at Spike, who was standing outside the ark as a decoy. In the darkness the orange glow of his non-inhaled cigarette would be an excellent distraction for any Autobot who came out there. Sure enough, Bumblebee wandered outside and threw a hissy fit over Spike's 'disgusting habit.'

"It's MY body, Bumblebee! I'll do what I want!"

"No you won't! Optimus!"

"Hurry up," whispered Prowl frantically. The most logical way to combat the absurd was to process in the same tangential pattern: if Red Alert had no qualms using outside means to further his deviance, so should Prowl.

"Hold your pistons, I almost have it." Without any warning, the communicator got what he was asking for. He broke away from Laserbeak, laughing so hard Prowl could not make out anything he said, except for 'pay the bird.'

Prowl handed Laserbeak the energon cube, which the bird greedily drank empty, cawing in happiness.

But now its so much better
it's so much better
I'm funking out in every way
But I'll never lose that feelin'
no I won't
Of how I learned my lesson that day

When they were...

Code Red had given him coordinates, telling him to go at six PM on a Tuesday. Then, he would know what he was dealing with. And to bring backup. After long consideration (and a lot of begging from Spike), Prowl decided to include the human, to shut him up, and Inferno, since he was Red Alert's best friend. Spike joked that a police car and a fire truck would get there faster if they turned the sirens on. They didn't get a second look.

"There it is," Prowl declared, letting Spike out so he could transform. "What's that music?"

Inferno shrugged. "Whatever it is, it's catchy."

They crept up to a large outdoor park. There, in an open clearing, surrounded by trees, were a few bright lights, some loud music, and the strangest sight ever.

"Good grief!" cried Inferno. Prowl was at a loss for words. Spike was not.

"They're-"

Dancin' and singin'
and movin' to the groovin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted
Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right
Play that funky music white boy
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die
Till you die,
oh till you die

"-Salsa dancing!"

"What's that?"

"A Latin dance. Hear the cowbell and clave?" Prowl nodded. "This is a dance from Puerto Rico!" He watched them laughing and talking and smiling as they concentrated on the steps. Colors swirled under the feeble light, giant dinosaur robots stomped the soft earth below them, and the tune was so bouncy even logical Prowl had to resist moving with the beat. Sludge lifted Swoop up high and he lifted his arms in the air, squealing with delight. Sludge staggered under the weight and they collapsed, to the amusement of Grimlock, Slag, Snarl, and Red Alert. A small woman shouted orders.

"People, get back into po-sition, we weel begin again. Uno doce tres-Greemlock, you are the female today! You need to step forward!"

"NOT FEMALE! NUMBER TWO!"

"Number two, then. Slag, you must start on your RIGHT foot!"

"ME SLAG ALWAYS STEP WITH LEFT!"

"Een dancing, you start with right!" She noticed two more giant robots lurking in the shadows, with a human. She waved. "Buenos Noches, senores!" Red Alert looked up from dancing with Snarl and shrieked.

They shouted play that funky music...

"So this is where Autobot funds are being channeled?" Prowl asked as the teacher ran to pause the CD. "I'm disappointed in you."

"IT NOT RED ALERT'S FAULT!" objected his partner, still dancing, but by himself. He pouted as the sound was turned off.

"How so?" The Dinobots surrounded Prowl, protective of the shaking Red Alert. Inferno stood next to his friend, looking like he was trying not to laugh. Spike didn't attempt to contain himself: he rolled on the ground.

"HE SAW US DANCE IN DINOBOT ROOM," declared Sludge.

"HE WANT TO DO NICE THING." Swoops added.

Grimlock spoke. "HE ASK TEACHER. TEACHER NEED MONEY. HE BORROW MONEY, PAY BACK LATER."

"He took money from the AUTOBOTS to do this!" Prowl responded, irritated. "He LIED. He STOLE. He BROKE RULES! I don't know how I can make this comprehensible."

"HE DO NICE THING FOR US DINOBOTS! HE RELAX TOO! HOW WORSE THEN SUNSTREAKER STEALING LLAMA FROM ZOO?"

Prowl thought about this. Sunstreaker, as an example, was a potent argument. Some Autobots were rascals, costing a lot of time and resources. They were almost not worth the trouble they caused. Those who required a lot of attention obscured the quieter individuals. Few mechs paid any attention to the Dinobots, and Red Alert caring about them was out of character. Maybe.

There was so much loneliness being Red Alert. Constantly on guard, never able to relax and have fun, it was sad. His personality kept most of his co-workers at bay. His problem was strikingly similar to the frolicking motorized lizards around him. Prowl thought about the happy expressions he witnessed. The Dinobots had been so well-behaved since they started doing this, except for the late-night 'practices.' Red Alert seemed to enjoy a better quality of life. And security was not being compromised any more than usual (minus Track's slip-up a few months ago). He looked around and saw the energon dispenser that had been missing since October. That made sense; the dancing took a lot out of them. He saw the anxious expression on Swoop's face. Red Alert continued to tremble, probably regretting this considerate gesture he'd made. When was the last time trouble-makers had been contrite? Prowl sighed. Nobody would believe a word of this.

"You did a bad thing."

Red Alert nodded. "I am sorry, Prowl," he murmured softly.

"You'll have to work extra shifts to make up the money." Red Alert nodded. "You Dinobots have to help." They nodded too. Jazz's words a few days ago about how he had to learn to be less stiff held constant in his processor. Well, why not? He needed to relax, too. "And you need to teach ME how to dance like this."

A ripple of delighted relief wavered through the crowd. Inferno allowed himself his trademark guffaw. The instructor beamed. "Bueno! You red guy, dance with Red Alert, you...dance with Sludge. He best." Sludge bounced with excitement. "Help me, nino." She grabbed Spike's hand, pulling him up from the grass he lay gasping on. The music started again, clave and cowbell pounding. "You start like this..."

Prowl was not used to this kind of rhythmic movement, but it was entertaining. Laughter and music rang out into the wee hours as they danced. Perched on a tree, Laserbeak hid a smile. These Autobots were sometimes too much.

Play that funky music
Play that funky music
Gotta keep on playin'
funky music
Play that funky music...