Severus' Choice, a harry potter fanfic

Disclaimer: I'm too young to be Rowling so there is sadly no way Harry Potter is mine…

Placing: Before the war - could be canon…

Just an idea I had, nothing more.

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sSsSsSsSs

SEVERUS' CHOICE

sSs

His life had always been about choices.

He saw himself married.

He saw himself dead.

He saw himself drowning.

He saw himself failing and winning and loosing.

It was his choice to make. Always and always his.

sSs

"It is real, isn't it? It's not a joke? Petunia says you're lying to me. Petunia says there isn't a Hogwarts. It is real, isn't it?"

"It's real for us," he said. "Not for her. But we'll get the letter, you and me."

"Really?" whispered Lily.

"Definitely."

And he hadn't had the heart to tell her that there was no way to change that path – even if he wanted it. And he wanted it, he wanted it so badly.

sSs

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

The first time he saw her, he was fascinated with her. She was beautiful, she was lively, she was everything he wasn't and so much more.

And he saw himself keeping her until her life ended.

She died when she was seventeen.

He had followed her into Gryffindor. He had been her friend right from the start. He had always been by her side, always supporting her, always shielding her – until that one curse struck that he couldn't stop nor prevent.

"Avada Kedavra!" and she had fallen into his arms, unmoving. Her eyes open, empty… dead.

So he had shifted his choices.

sSs

"This is it! We're off to Hogwarts!" he said, trying to console her after the hurtful words of her sister. Whatever he did, whatever he saw, there was no way changing her sister to accept her. He had tried. He had failed and tried again, until he had had no other way anymore but to accept that there was no other path.

She nodded, mopping her eyes but in spite of herself, she half smiled.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," said he, encouraged that she had brightened a little.

"Slytherin?"

One of the boys sharing the compartment, who had shown no interest at all in Lily or him until that point, looked round at the word.

"Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

But it wasn't Slytherin that was important. It was the 'not Gryffindor' part, that was. No Gryffindor, no death with seventeen…

sSs

"Lily, take Harry and run! He is it! Hurry! I'll stop him –"

"Stand aside, girl. Stand aside and I won't kill you!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

So he tried to make her a Slytherin, but even with him trying, she still ended up a Gryffindor. In the end, he went to Slytherin alone.

He shielded her from those that meant her harm in that house. He stuck by her, he always was there for her, supporting her, believing her.

And they married when they were just out of Hogwarts.

A year later she was dead. She hadn't been able to stand by and watch while others got hurt, so she had gone out and fought in a war for her believes and had died for them. And whatever he tried, he couldn't change her decision.

"We can't just sit out the war and do nothing, Sev!" she exclaimed. "I've joined the Order of the Phoenix. I want to do something to make our world a better place!"

So he had shifted his choices.

sSs

"But I thought we were supposed to be friends?" he said. "Best friends?"

"We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging around with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev? He's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?"

Oh, he saw, he saw it as clear as day. But he had to. He had to be near them to keep her safe.

"That was nothing," said he. "It was a laugh, that's all –"

Not a laugh, never a laugh, but he couldn't explain to her the truth. She wouldn't have understood and he couldn't tell her what he Saw because if she told someone he would be hunted down and used until he died. He would lose her, because he would never be able to keep her safe if he was forced to serve the great ones.

"It was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny –"

"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" demanded he, changing the subject to those he abhorred.

"What's Potter got to do with anything?"

Everything. But that, he couldn't say as well.

sSs

"Lily, take Harry and run! He is it! Hurry! I'll stop him –"

"Don't forget, mummy loves you, daddy loves you!"

"Stand aside, girl. Stand aside and I won't kill you!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

He had stayed a Slytherin, but instead of staying out of the war, he pretended to be a monster and went to the opposite to turn spy for the light.

This time they married in secret. Just a few month after the start of their marriage, she was pregnant.

They were in heaven.

She killed herself just months after, after loosing her child to a dark curse, being told she wouldn't be able to carry another one.

And whatever he tried, he couldn't make her stay.

"I'm sorry, Sev! I'm so sorry! But I can't! I can't live like that anymore!"

So with a broken heart, he shifted his choices again.

sSs

"I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there –"

His whole face contorted and he spluttered, "Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to – I won't let you –"

"Let me? Let me?"

Lily's bright green eyes were slits. He backtracked at once.

"I didn't mean – I just don't want to see you made a fool of – he fancies you, James Potter fancies you!"

sSs

"Lily, take Harry and run! He is it! Hurry! I'll stop him –"

"Stand aside, girl. Stand aside and I won't kill you!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

He tried everything, everything he could think of and even more. He tried to hold onto her with all his might, because she was his – the only one he would ever be able to love. He knew that, he had Seen it. She was the only one for him.

And yet… whatever he tried, whatever he changed – he couldn't keep her.

sSs

"You – wait," he panted, staring up at James Potter with an expression of purest loathing, "you – wait!"

"Wait for what?" Sirius Black said coolly. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

He let out a stream of mixed swear words and hexes, but with his wand ten feet away nothing happened.

"Wash out your mouth," said James Potter coldly. "Scourgify!"

Pink soap bubbles streamed from his mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him –

"Leave him ALONE!"

And he chose that loosing her was better than seeing her die, over and over again. There was still a chance for them, after all. Maybe, if he lost her once, he would gain her forever in the end…

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

And he pushed her away, knowing she wouldn't be able to forgive him for a long time – if ever again.

sSs

"Stand aside, girl. Stand aside and I won't kill you!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

So he decided to give her up for some time.

He insulted her and let her of, to go and marry his rival.

And she married the man and had a child.

Then the prophecy was spoken and he pleaded to the monster to keep her alive.

And he stunned her to ensure it.

Her baby died that day and she wasted away in grieve.

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

And with a heavy heart he closed his eyes and shifted the future again.

sSs

"I thought… you were going… to keep her… safe…"

"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," said Dumbledore. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"

His breathing was shallow. He couldn't speak. Couldn't tell the other man the truth. Couldn't tell him of Lily's suffering if he had ensured her survival that night. Couldn't tell him that it had been his choice to let her go while at the same time despairing at her passing.

"Her boy survives," said Dumbledore.

With a tiny jerk of the head, he seemed to flick of an irksome fly. Her child, her everything. He hated the child. Hated it with all his being – and loved it as fiercely as well because it was Lily's.

"Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and colour of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?"

But it still hurt.

It hurt to know what his decision had lead to. It hurt to know that it was just the child, just the child, not the mother, who was still alive.

"DON'T!" bellowed he. "Gone… Dead…"

"Is this remorse, Severus?"

"I wish…" I wish it was remorse. But he couldn't say. Couldn't say, so he changed his sentence to something the other man would accept and understand. "I wish I were dead…"

"And what use would that be to anyone?"

No use at all – but at least the guilt he felt for his decision would be gone. It was his fault that she was dead – and he couldn't bring himself to accept that he had decided to let her die instead of to let her suffer.

sSs

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

This time she died for her child.

This time the child lived.

And as much as it hurt, it also was a relieve to at least know that there was still something, something alive of her – even if it was just her love for the child she had dearly wanted to protect.

And as much as he hated the child, he loved it as well. So instead of letting the child die, he shifted the future until the child would live.

"Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear… especially Potter's son… I want your word!"

"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?"

All he did, everything, every hateful comment, every unfair treatment, every resentment, every distrust he invoked, in the end, it all had to happen to ensure the child would stay alive.

"Why? You aren't trying to give him more detentions, Severus? The boy will soon have spent more time in detention than out."

"He is his father over again –"

He had treated it kind, the first time he tried.

And the child had died at the end of the first year because it never distrusted him and its trust had given the mad man, Quirrell, a way to kill it. So he had invoked the distrust by treating it unfair and belittling it when unfairness wasn't enough to change the future.

Then third year came and he had believed them about Black.

Black had been freed and had regained guardianship of the child.

The child had been killed just days after returning home for summer and whatever he had said and done, Black hadn't listened to him and hadn't upgraded the wards on his property until after the child had died.

So he had changed it.

He had shifted the future so that Black never went free.

The man died in the child's fifth year, but he didn't care, because the child – the only one that mattered – survived because that mutt died. Since he had never truly cared about the mutt, he couldn't see a great loss in his passing as long as the child, Lily's child, the one child he wasn't allowed to love and loved fiercely nevertheless, lived.

Every step on his way through his life, every decision – it all was carefully planed by him.

And even if he would have loved to rescue Lily, even if he would have loved to have her as his wife – having at least a part of her alive throughout his life was more than he had imagined before when he had still seen her dieing in their future.

sSs

"You have kept him alive so that he can die at the right moment?"

"Don't be shocked, Severus. How many men and women have you watched die?"

"Lately, only those whom I could not save," said he. He stood up. "You have used me."

"Meaning?"

"I have spied for you, and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter –"

"But this is touching, Severus," Dumbledore said seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"

"For him?" he shouted. "Expecto patronum!"

sSs

"Don't forget, mummy loves you, daddy loves you!"

"Stand aside, girl. Stand aside and I won't kill you!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

And so he had followed along, while watching the child - the only thing he couldn't love and loved nearly as fiercely as Lily herself - growing up until the day that Albus Dumbledore had predicted as the death day of the only precious thing he still had in the world.

And he Saw that Albus Dumbledore was right.

And he Saw that Albus Dumbledore was wrong.

And with a heavy heart he went to the monster, the Dark Lord, to die by the man's orders.

It was when he died that he saw the child again and it was then that he decided that Albus Dumbledore had no right to offer up his child – not his by blood, but certainly by the fierce love he still felt for the child's mother – his child to death.

And so he offered up his memories to the child. His memories, his magic and his protection.

"Take… it… Take… it…"

Albus Dumbledore had been a great man.

He had been a great leader, a man for the greater good.

But for him, Lily's child had been nothing – nothing but a pawn, exchangeable and disposable as long as the darkness was stopped in time.

Of course, Albus Dumbledore had hoped that his pawn would survive.

Of course he had hoped that the blood of the child in the Dark Lord's veins would be enough to keep it alive.

But Severus was never someone who believed in hope.

So he offered himself as a sacrifice. And a sacrifice he was.

"Take… it… Take… it…"

A sacrifice.

A shield.

An anchor for the one life that couldn't be lost in this battle between light and dark.

"Look… at… me…"

And when he finally looked up in those green, green eyes of Lily's child, begging it to see its living eyes just one more time, he was graced with the one vision he had longed for his entire life.

sSs

"But this is touching, Severus. Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"

"For him?" he shouted. "Expecto patronum!"

sSs

"Don't forget, mummy loves you, daddy loves you!"

"Stand aside, girl. Stand aside and I won't kill you!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

He finally saw what he had longed for for the longest time:

"Lily!" the man cried. He had a mop of black hair and Lily's green eyes. "Lily!"

It was then that he spotted a small child with fierce red hair and the same green eyes that he had, standing next to a small boy with black hair and black eyes who was wearing old and battered clothes.

"I'm here, Daddy!" the child said. "Look who I met! This is my new friend! His name is Sev!"

"Lily!" the man sighed with relieve while grabbing his daughter and looking her over. "How could you run away from your aunt! She was terrified!"

The green eyes of the little girl widened.

"I'm sorry, Daddy!" she said.

And the man sighed again before turning.

"I've found her!" he called and was soon joined by another woman with fierce red hair.

"Where is she, Albus?" she asked while still running up to join them and the man pointed at the girl.

The woman looked at the child.

"Lily Ginevra Potter!" she exclaimed angrily. "What were you thinking, running away from me without telling me where you're going!"

"I'm sorry, Auntie Lily," little Lily exclaimed and lowered her head, before peaking up again. "But look who I met! That's Sev! He's my new friend!"

And when she reached out and grabbed the boy's hand with her own, Severus could see their future.

He saw them marrying.

He saw them having children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

He saw them living their lives together until their last breath.

And he finally knew, without a doubt that he had made the right decision.

sSs

"But this is touching, Severus. Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"

"For him?" he shouted. "Expecto patronum!"

sSs

"Don't forget, mummy loves you, daddy loves you!"

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please! I'll do everything!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

sSs

And with that the last breath left his lungs and Death finally claimed him

White fog, then the playground of his childhood emerged from it.

On one of the swings, Lily was sitting and smiling at him.

"Thank you, Severus," she said.

"You're welcome," he replied and followed her into their next great adventure.

sSs

"After all this time?"

"Always."

sSs

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sSs

Well, that's it. Not sure how that turned out, but I couldn't get rid of that story since I wrote "Lily's choice", so here it is.

Hope you liked it.

Ebenbild