I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away,
I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
-Someone Like You- Adele
Her hands clutched the newspaper tightly, the pages scrunching between her fingers, her eyes void of its usual sparkle as she just stared at the photo that had been deformed by her death grip. She let out a shaky breath, her chest heavy, her legs weak as she slowly sat down on the park bench. She looked around her, the rest of the world carelessly passing her by, the smiling nameless faces a vast contrast to how she looked, to how she felt. She never bought the paper, it was an obsolete tradition that was long ago replaced by a wonderful thing called the internet, but for some reason today she found herself handing over two dollars to a vender.
Call it an intuition, a sixth sense if you will, but for Donna she was convinced it was karma rubbing painful information in her face. She wasn't stupid, she knew that this day would come one day, it was inevitable, but deep down she always held on to a speck of hope that their paths would cross again, and things would just fall into place.
He was married.
Life had well and truly moved on for the great Harvey Specter, and here she was, sitting on a park bench, knocking on forty, clueless. She was the one that was supposed to have her shit together, she's Donna Paulsen, for crying out loud, it was supposed to be different.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
She found herself walking down the streets of Manhattan, her legs taking her the short distance from Central Park to Lexington Avenue, towards a building that for years felt like a second home to her. From the outside it looked the same, the same glass kingdom that housed so many brilliant legal minds, but it felt so very foreign. She couldn't help but smile as her eyes landed on the plague on the wall by the entrance, naming all the firms that were in the building.
Specter Ross.
A lot could change in the space of a year and a half, and it did. She had always silently known that one day Mike would have his name above the door, however illegitimate it was. She knew that Harvey had finally found someone that he could trust just as much as he did with her.
Past tense, of course.
She sat on the small ledge by the subway entrance, staring at the entrance, not quite knowing what to expect, not quite knowing what she wanted to even happen.
"This is ridiculous" she whispered to herself, snapping out of her daze. What the hell was she doing here, what was she aiming to achieve?
She had managed to survive well over a year without seeing his face, hearing his voice, feeling his touch, so why couldn't she now?
She sighed, running a hand over her face as she stood up, ready to leave and spend the rest of her day hiding away in her apartment, drowning in a family sized carton of ice cream. Hoisting her bag over her shoulder she began to walk away her stomach flipping as a black Lexus pulled up, and a man stepped out.
Not just any man...
Harvey.
She quickly looked around, trying to find somewhere to hide, but it was no use, she had already been caught.
He stopped dead in his tracks, double taking, convinced he saw a ghost, a beautiful red haired ghost from a part of his life he buried long ago. Running his tongue across his lips he gulped harshly, his stomach churning uneasily as their gazes locked. He fought back any kind of emotion as a small, nervous smile found its way to her lips, a smile that for the best part of a decade made his heart skip a beat every time.
What was she doing here?
He strode towards her as she stood frozen to the spot, her hands shaking by her side. "Donna?" he breathed in disbelief, her name escaping his lips as a question, wondering if it was actually her standing in front of him and not some sick and twisted dream.
"Harvey." Both her hands gripped the handle of her hand bag as she looked towards the floor, feeling nervous under his scrutinising gaze.
He stared, his eyes dragging up and down her body, drinking in every detail of her, memories flooding his brain. She was just as he remembered. Harvey shook his head, still unable to comprehend that Donna, his Donna was standing right in front of him. "You look great." He smiled, and he meant it. She hadn't changed a single bit, looking younger than before if that was even humanly possible.
A blush crept to her cheeks, her heart fluttering, her whole body reacting to the compliment that had just rolled off his tongue. Harvey was never one to overdo the pleasantries, or appear enthusiastic in any way, shape or form, but he had never deprived her of compliments.
She missed how he would call her beautiful by accident, a slip of the tongue that he never once apologized for. She missed how his lips would tug up into a goofy lopsided smile at the sight of her in one of his shirts. She missed his quick wit and sarcastic tendencies. She just...missed him.
"So do you."
They fell silent for a few seconds, overwhelmed by all the things that had to say to one another, all the words that they had repressed for so long.
"I thought you were in Boston?" he had to ask, trying to understand what he had just walked in to.
"I was" she replied, the wind throwing her hair in every direction "I actually have a new job here in the City."
Donna and Harvey had worked together for years and years, from the days of the DA's office, to Pearson Specter, they were an unstoppable force, rock stars in the world of lawyers. They were two peas in a pod, inseparable, the best of friends in a 'how the hell do we define this, are we boss/employee or something more?' kind of way. But their train wreck of a relationship (or lack of) was always destined for disaster, it was just a long time coming.
Over the years, the pair had questioned their true feelings for one another, letting go of their reservations every couple of years, testing the water to see if what they had could ever evolve into anything romantic. For the most part, it would be the odd suggestive comment, a drunken fumble that would be followed by an awkward morning after, with several months of unspoken feelings in between.
To the average bystander, it was painfully obvious how they felt towards one another, the whole world silently waiting with bated breath for one of them to crack, to make the first move and admit that dancing around their feelings was only making them unhappy (and incredibly sexually frustrated).
He cracked first.
He remembers the day he stole her phone from her desk draw, texting her date for that evening, telling him she had to cancel without her knowing. It was a dick move, he knew that, but his intentions would be worth it, he hoped. He acted ignorant for the rest of the afternoon, asking Donna where she was going on her date and what time, all whilst the red head had no idea what was going on.
He sat at the restaurant table, his palms sweaty, his heart pounding in his chest so hard that his finger hovered over the 'call' button on his phone, the numbers 911 already typed on the screen. He all but died when he saw her walk in, dressed in a floor length emerald green dress, her hair cascading over her shoulders and down her back in loose curls, her eyes searching the room. He stood up, gulping as her eyes fell on him, an eyebrow raising in question before it hit her.
"You son of a bitch" she whisper shouted as she approached him, her nostrils flaring, she was pissed. "Where is my date Harvey?"
He half shrugged, giving her a sheepish smile "Sitting at home with a frozen pizza for one, mourning the loss of a date with a beautiful woman."
"Harvey..." she warned quietly, taking a seat at the table, not wanting to cause a scene.
"Donna, before you get mad..."
"Before I get mad?" she interrupted, eyes wide "Too goddamn late for that Harvey. You better tell me what the hell is going on before I cut off your balls and feed them to a herd of rabid dogs in the alley"
Harvey rolled his eyes, a smug grin finding its way to his lips, even though inside he was freaking the fuck out. "Shut up."
"I'm sorry, what?" She cocked her head to one side, unimpressed.
"Shut up." he repeated pouring her a glass of wine "You are the most infuriating woman I have ever met in my life, and most of the time I wonder why I keep you around."
She folded her arms across her chest, narrowing her eyes at him. Had he really boycotted her date just so he could insult her? "Then why do you?"
He went silent, purposefully taking a long, slow sip of his wine before placing the glass back down on the table carefully. "Because I'm in love with you." He replied casually.
She froze, glass touching her lips as she stared at the man, unable to formulate a response. Moving the glass away from her mouth, she swallowed "Have you hit your head? Because you must have some sort of brain injury."
"Charming" he laughed "Only Donna Paulsen would question someone's mental stability in the midst of a declaration of love."
He watched in a mixture of amusement and terror as she sat quietly, trying to process what he had just said. "You love me?" she asked in clarification
He nodded "Disgustingly so."
A smile erupted on her face as she leant back in her chair "I was really looking forward to this date you know..."
He nodded "You've said."
"Do you know how freaking cliché it is for a boss and a secretary to fall in love Harvey?" He remained quiet, wanting to see where she was going with this. "People are going to talk."
"She when have you cared what other people have to say?"
"Never." she replied firmly.
"So?"
She sighed "I have always wanted to live in my own romantic comedy."
"What does that even mean?" he exclaimed, growing increasingly impatient. She was messing with him, he knew it, and he hated it.
"It means I love you too, you fool."
For months everything was great, to the point where they publicly announced their relationship to the office, putting to rest the whispers and rumors that had been circulating, they were happy. But things soon went south.
Harvey was a stone throw away from finally getting his hand on Managing Partner, his attention clouded by his mission, his whole life put on the backseat, taking second place. For a while Donna sat back and quietly watched, after all, this is what Harvey had always wanted, therefore this is what she wanted, but not like this. He became obsessed, manipulative in the process of gaining control, bringing out a side of him that Donna didn't like.
He promised her that it wouldn't be forever, that as soon as he had control, things would change, but they didn't. Work became even more demanding and she watched as he slipped through her fingers, the pair of them drifting apart. She was losing him.
She had known from day one that Harvey's number one priority in life would always be his career, it's what makes him get up in the morning, its what makes him truly happy and she wasn't going to make him choose between her and the lady law.
Breaking it off with Harvey was without a doubt the hardest thing she had ever done, his face as she delivered the blow, absolutely heartbreaking, it only then dawned on her, that she couldn't stay.
So she left. Packed up her life, and moved to Boston, with another law firm, becoming the executive assistant to one of the named partners there. It was no Pearson Specter, and he was no Harvey, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and get on with it, no matter how much it hurts.
And what hurt the most? He never even tried to get her back.
"Really?" he sounded hopeful, what was he was hoping for, neither of them knew. "What happened to your job at Farrington Hughes?"
She nodded "One of their clients was the executive producer of a musical that was doing its previews in Boston, and once the case was closed, he offered me a job, wanting me to help take his show to Broadway."
Harvey grinned, unable to hide his happiness for her, knowing that the theatre had always been a true passion. "Wow Donna, that is amazing." His fingers twitched by his sides, his body eager to reach out for her, to touch her, to show her how elated he was for her. But he couldn't. They weren't Donna and Harvey anymore, they weren't friends, he couldn't just hug her like he used to.
He certainly couldn't just wrap his arm around her waist and pull her towards him, pressing his lips against hers in a silent congratulations.
He quickly brushed off the thought, You're married he thought, you cant think like this.
"I love it." she beamed and he knew then that he made the right decision, that he had to let her go, that she had to finally live her life, achieve her dreams and not live in his shadows.
As the old saying goes, If you love someone, let them go.
Her gaze fell on the gold band on his finger, a painful confirmation of what she already knew "I see you're married."
He smiled, his eyes flickering between his hand, her hand and finally her face. He noticed the lack of wedding ring on her finger, surprised that someone hadn't snatched her up already, god knows he wished he had back when he had the chance. "I am."
He got his wallet out of his suit pocket, flipping it open to show her a small passport sized photo of his wife and him, her chest tightening at the sight- he looked happy. She looked up at him to notice him looking at the photo, dreamy eyed and then she knew.
He was undeniably happy.
She used all her power, fighting back the tears that had begun to well in her eyes, a whimper threatening to escape her lips, this was not the time to break down. Donna was fully aware that Harvey had and would probably always be the love of his life, that perhaps in a different time, in a different place, they would have been happy.
But that ship had sailed.
Did he still love her?
A part of him always would, she was Donna. For over a decade she was the secret to his success, his lucky charm, his best friend.
Was.
She had given him more than he could ever thank her for, and there wasn't a day that went by where he wasn't grateful for her presence in his life.
But the role Donna once held had now been filled by his wife, a woman that he loved.
"Congratulations" she replied genuinely, her eyes focused on a stray hair on his head, as she smiled, remembering how he hated her fixing his hair, wondering if that was still the case.
"We should catch up sometime, go for a drink, you could show me the show that you're working for." He offered, not quite ready to say goodbye.
"Yeah" she agreed quietly "That would be nice" But they both knew it wouldn't happen, it would be too painful, too awkward.
"Do you still have the same number?" she nodded. He looked at his watch, realizing that his time was up, a client was already waiting for him upstairs. He shot her one of his famous Harvey Specter tight lipped smiles as he carefully stepped towards her, wrapping his arms around her frame. Her body tensed in his embrace for a second before relaxing, the two of them savouring the moment, holding on just a little too long.
"I'll see you around Donna." He said, sadness evident in his voice.
She nodded, wordlessly taking a step back, her lips pursed in a tight line, tugging up at the corners ever so slightly. "Take care Harvey."
He watched her walk away, a frown forming on his lips as the weight of reality hit him, this was it. The years of memories and regrets, of sadness and of hope, had finally come to an end.
This was the closure they had failed to have.
From time to time his mind will drift away, wondering what could have been, a dull pain forming in his heart for just a second, a quiet moment to mourn a life that for years he was convinced he was destined to lead.
He'll do what she did one day and flick through the newspaper, accidentally landing on the announcements page to see her face, beaming from ear to ear. He'll shamefully wonder if she would have looked that happy on their wedding day before looking over to his wife, sleeping peacefully beside him.
Crawling out of bed, he walks into the kitchen, paper clutched in hand as he opens the trash can. Giving the article one last glance he lets go, watching as it disappears into the darkness of the bin.
He silently looks out of the window at the New York City skyline , the radio playing softly in the background, the lyrics filling his ears as his lips tugged up ever so slightly
"Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead"
Oh what the bloody hell was that! I wrote the goddamn thing and I'm sitting here wanting to throw a tantrum. Oh girl, you so angsty.
Not really got much else to say...
Read, review, favorite. Feed my addiction
(Tantrum throwing is optional but understandable.)
PS. THIS IS YOUR 1ST OF 3 UPDATES. wait a few hours (aka let me sleep) before i write the next ones