Remember

By Caitlin (Aciel)

Sam POV
Set pre-pilot before Dean shows up at Stanford
Spoilers: None
Don't own anything – if I did, Sam and Dean would be locked up in my room for all of time.

Sam Winchester remembers.

He remembers his father's voice, what he was wearing. He remembers the time of day, the neighbour dog barking in the distance. He remembers the ice-cold chill that crept into the room when his father realized what his youngest son was about to do. He remembers the look on Dean's face as he watched his little brother pick up his bags and walk out the door. Most especially he remembers the dread, the absolute defeat and…anger.

Sam tries not to think about it, but it's not easy to erase a memory – especially one like that.

The truth is, Sam had gotten tired of it. He had gotten tired of the fighting, the travelling, the researching; the hunts. The endless restless nights; nights spent in dirty hotel rooms on back country roads. The small towns with residents who were either too naïve or too manipulated to ever figure out what was really going on in their sleepy little homes. Sam was sick of the violence, the constant fear of losing each other in a battle. Well this time one of them was getting lost, and the battle took place in their own home.

Sam's decision to leave for college had been something he had thought about for years. Yes, he loved his father and brother dearly, but he wasn't stupid. He knew that their lifestyle wasn't normal by any means. Picket fences, a modest house, a wife, 2.5 kids, and a dog…the Winchester's never came close. College was the chance for Sam to find that normalcy, his chance to get out. And he took it.

John Winchester had been anything but happy about Sam's choice. Sam knew that their father had tried to raise the brothers the best he could without their mother. And though their relationship may not have been the healthiest, John had thought that the three of them would stick together until the end. He just didn't know the end would come so soon. After all he had worked for to keep his sons alive and to find the monster that killed his wife, his youngest had decided to up and quit. Sam knew that his father would be hurt with his choice, but he never had expected his anger to go so far.

"What do you think you're doing?" John had yelled. The father and sons stood in the entryway of their current rental home outside Denver. "College?" he had exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air. "That's unheard of! I will not have it."

Sam was eighteen, and though he stood over six feet tall, his father's words were trying to make him feel smaller and smaller. He wouldn't let them. "It's my choice!" Sam argued back, "I should get to choose what to do with my own life – I'm not a child anymore."

John shouted, "But we have work to do! We're a family, I thought I had at least taught you that much. We don't give up on each other."

"I'm not giving up on us, Dad! I just want to have my own life!" Sam threw down his packed suitcase. "Is that so much to ask?"

"Your life is here with us, Sam! How do you even expect to afford college? Have you thought this through at all?" John tried to make his point clear to his youngest son.

Sam was getting frustrated, "Of course I have! I've been saving every penny since I was 15. I've always wanted to go to college, and now it's time."

"Over my dead body!" John yelled. "No, I will not allow it!"

"You don't have that choice anymore, Dad. I'm going, and that's final."

"Sam…" John was quiet for a moment, yet his voice was still fierce. He looked over at his elder son, Dean, who stood in the doorway to the kitchen. Sam waited silently for his father's words. "Sam, if you walk out that door…it will never be open to you again."

Sam was shocked. He knew his father would take his decision badly, but not this badly. Was normalcy really worth giving up on his family? Did his father not care for him enough to allow him to make his own decisions with his life? But did Sam want to have to spend the rest of his life racing across the country to find some paranormal being, when he could be out there, in the real world, living his own dreams?

The silence in the room seemed to drag on for hours. This moment, whatever decision was made here, would affect all of them for the rest of their lives.

Sam finally broke that silence; "Well then I guess it's time for me to say goodbye, because I want no part in a family – if you can call it that – like this one." And Sam picked up his bags, smiled briefly to his older brother, the brother who had took such care of him when he was growing up; gave one last glance to his father, the man who had tried to prevent him from freedom; turned and walked through the door, shutting it solidly behind him.

It was the last Sam had ever seen of his father and brother in the past three years. Did he miss them? Of course he did. It's not easy to walk out on your family, and there are days that sometimes Sam wonders if he made the right decision. His first few months at college had been rough. He wasn't able to involve himself in social events, or focus on his school work. His nights were spent crying himself to sleep. There were times he so badly wanted to get up and go chase down Dean and his dad and say how sorry he was for leaving them – they had left too many things unsaid, and Sam sometimes believed he'd never have the chance to tell his father how much he loved him, and to thank his brother for everything in their childhood and teen years. It wasn't as if they had died and he wouldn't be able to ever physically tell them how he felt. It was more that he could never bring himself to locate his family and say what he wanted to. They would never forgive him, just like he could never forgive himself.

Yes, Sam remembers that day. He remembers how it changed everything that he had known, but he also remembers how it was his departure that allowed himself the chance to live like any average American college guy does. And because of that he's found something even more wonderful than he could have ever gotten running around Middle America. He's found love.

Every time he stares into her endless sea blue eyes, Sam gets lost. When he's with her he can go to a place where he doesn't have to think about his past and all that went wrong. He has his future, with Jess.

And because of her, the memories aren't so bad anymore.

End