A/N: Owing to a series of unfortunate events – a new House M.D. addiction, homework, exhaustion, writer's block, to name a few – I haven't been writing lately. This is my very pathetic attempt at getting back in the swing of things.
Takes place about sixth year. I didn't have a particular timeline in mind, but sixth year fits.
Brownie points to anyone who can tell me which lines I stole from House. One of them was fitted snugly in the midst of a line, the other is more blatant.
Read. Review. You should hopefully know this drill by now.
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On the Way to Lunch
By: Zayz
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J: Oi, Evans! Wait up, I'm coming with you. I have lunch right now too.
L: Oh dear, here we go again…
J: I'm over here, Evans – stop walking so fast.
L: Oh, I'm sorry; am I making you work for once in your life?
J: Clever…I think I opened myself up for that one.
L: Are you trying to implicate that I would take advantage of you? I could never!
J: Of course you couldn't. You so helpfully slowed down in the middle of our conversation so I could catch up to you. You're that good of a girl.
L: Clearly I'm good – or you wouldn't be following me around like an overeager puppy smelling ham.
J: Are you comparing me to a four-legged creature that gets flees, sniffs postmen, and doesn't have opposable thumbs?
L: Maybe. You can take my witty simile for whatever you want.
J: It wasn't witty. It was a dry, crude comment.
L: You classify that as crude? Merlin…after all the comments you've made about my body in years past, I would've thought you could at least get rid of your double standard.
J: Double standard? I have no double standards, Evans. I treat women and men in exactly the same way.
L: I had a brilliant bisexuality joke that would've worked really well right about now, but I spared you. You now owe me a week without asking me out for my generosity.
J: Nice try, but no – I'm going to ask you out tomorrow, and during lunch today, as scheduled, which is a given. I'm just very intrigued by the remark you made about double standards. Quite frankly, I'm offended.
L: Welcome to my world.
J: The reason I'm offended is because double standards don't really exist with me.
L: How can you say that? Every person in this school is a victim to your double standards.
J: Yes, yes, trying to suggest I am an unjust bastard is quite enjoyable for you, but sadly you have no proof. I don't do double-standards.
L: You do. How is it not a double standard, if you think my comparing you to a dog is crude when groping my arse for years at every opportunity is perfectly all right?
J: Because I didn't actually think it was crude. I was joking.
L: You weren't joking. I know when you're joking.
J: I suppose you're not too great of a personality-reader then, because I was joking.
L: You're not joking right now.
J: That's true. I'm engaging in conversation with a stubborn red-head right now. A minute ago, though, I was joking. People can indeed make smooth transitions between the two states, you know.
L: You are insufferable. You weren't joking. You were simply attempting to pull my tail.
J: They're the same thing, aren't they?
L: Not with you.
J: So how exactly would you define a joke?
L: Now I'm expected to define a joke? This is the most useless dialogue I've ever had to endure. And I've got a huge inventory to choose from.
J: Well, don't complain because it's not going your way. You started it, not me.
L: You called out to me first!
J: I do that all the time. You don't always respond. This time, you did. Must means you craved some more of me.
L: I tried to get rid of you and you came right up in the hopes of asking me out or touching me some place or something equally revolting. Don't you think I know you after all this time?
J: No. I just told you that I didn't think you were a good personality-reader. Gracious, Evans; have you such a short-term memory? How do you get on during classes?
L: It was a rhetorical question for emphasis.
J: Even rhetorical questions have answers.
L: For someone who believes so faithfully in answers, you certainly don't know many when they're asked of you.
J: Just because I choose not to answer, doesn't mean I don't know how to.
L: Easy to say when you haven't done a thing to prove your theory.
J: I don't need to prove myself. I'm just that good.
L: You see, this is why we don't get along. They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.
J: Well, you have quite a healthy self-esteem too, last time I checked.
L: There's a difference between arrogance and self-esteem.
J: Pretty fine line.
L: You mean, pretty distinctive fine line.
J: They say the same about love and hate.
L: I love how you bring that up as if it's relevant. Very cute.
J: Thank you, and so are you. But it is relevant. It's relevant to this whole conversation, actually.
L: Oh?
J: Prepare to be amazed by my amazing connection skills.
L: I'll get the sick bag and you go get the defibrillator.
J: You see, this is the perfect example of what I was about to say – that actually, like with ego, there's really no line between one strong contender and the other. There are just two sides that fade into each other. While you may have a strong self-esteem, it'll quickly blur into something egotistical.
L: And I assume you think you're going to sound very deep and meaningful when you point out that when you hate someone, it'll quickly fade into love because hating someone is impossible without some level of respect or admiration?
J: Close. I think I'm going to sound very deep and meaningful when I point out that you, dearest Evans, have just put your big toe into the baby pool of falling in love with me.
L: That was a terrible analogy. Leave those to me, if you please.
J: Fine. I'll put it simply – because of your alleged hatred of me, you are beginning to finally fall in love with me.
L: You've been saying that since the day I met you. I'm sorry I can't give your deep and meaningful side any credit there.
J: Of the five stages of grief, the first is denial.
L: I thought I was supposed to be falling in love, not mourning a death.
J: To most, love is a good thing. However, every so often, an anal know-it-all comes along and pretends like she knows everything, so the game changes. She falls in love in secret, and outwardly acts like she's mourning a spiritual death of some sort, because that's easier than facing up to the reality of the human condition – that we're all bound to fall in love at some point in time.
L: Are you rephrasing a fortune cookie message?
J: I believe flippancy falls under the denial stage.
L: You're absolutely ridiculous! Can't you bugger off now? Haven't you had enough of this?
J: Second stage is anger. Excellent, you're right on track. We should hopefully be at acceptance relatively soon.
L: I fail to see how diagnosing me with love sickness is as relevant as you said it was.
J: For someone so smart, Evans, you can be awfully dense. I've been the one providing all the genius epiphanies for this conversation so far.
L: Says the man so dense, the Amazon rain forest is jealous.
J: This whole thing is relevant because we just had a very long conversation about all sorts of interesting topics just because I decided to catch up to you on your way to lunch. The only reason you'd do that is because you like my company…and you would only like my company if you liked me…and judging by your involved metaphors and heated responses, I think you do. Much more than you'd like to.
L: Nope. No way in hell is that true.
J: I'm interested to hear your rebuttal.
L: Fine then. Can't keep your curiosity waiting. The reason I talked to you was…oh, look at the time, I need to be in the Great Hall. Damn. Must go now. We'll talk later.
J: Your methods for wriggling out of tough holes is charming, I'll give you that much; but if you have to leave, I'll take that as winning by forfeit.
L: You have just given your theory a black mark, O Intelligent Potter. Implicating that this is a victory, and that I am some kind of game to you, only proves that I mean absolutely nothing to you.
J: My theory only stated that you were in love with me. It's a given that I've loved you for years already.
L: You don't.
J: Actions speak louder than supposed slips of the tongue.
L: How has touching me, irritating me, taunting me, or harassing me for the entire length of time we've been at school together spoken for anything better?
J: I didn't hold anything from your childhood against you and let it go when you didn't extend the same courtesy – it's not too late to pay respect.
L: And now it's my turn to say that while your methods for wriggling out of tough holes is charming, it's not charming enough. Since this has all been some sort of sick game to you, I think this latest development has just put us on an even score.
J: You would think so.
L: Your annoying, self-satisfied smirk suggests you think differently. Unfortunately, I don't particularly care for another half-baked James Potter speech when I'm starving and need some kind of nourishment.
J: You do care – so much so that it's easy to pretend you don't. But that's okay, I can be patient. I have endured plenty of practice.
L: You're such a kind, considerate bloke.
J: You know I am – and we can both tell that this is going somewhere. You can't expect us to stay "worst enemies" forever.
L: Watch me.
J: Well, since I can see you're about to walk off now and pretend like you never just talked to me, I was scheduled to ask you out during lunch – so I'll bump it up ahead of schedule and just ask you out now. Want to have lunch together?
L: Only you could ask me to lunch after putting me through a wild goose chase of a conversation.
J: And similarly, only I could get away with it. I can do anything with you, if I'm clever enough, because you love me. If I was anyone else, I would've been dead by now.
L: If that delusion helps you sleep better at night, by all means, indulge. That doesn't make it true.
J: So prove me wrong. Get over me and then we'll talk.
L: I was never into you.
J: And I'm the deluded one?
L: If I have lunch with you, will you shut up on cue whenever I ask?
J: Probably not. But it wouldn't hurt your chances.
L: Then I'll see you in History of Magic later, Potter.
J: One day, Evans, you're going to be done for. But all right, I'll let this one go. I've given you a lot to digest.
L: My lunch will do the same. I'll be fine.
J: …Sure you will. Have fun.
L: I'll do my best.
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A/N: Yeah, it was sporadic and a little ridiculous and slightly mischaracterized…but quite honestly, I'm just proud I wrote something.
Don't forget to point out the House lines if you found them and now I'm done. Review, por favor, and make me happy – an easy way to do your good deed of the day.