Chapter 1: Please Don't Jump.

My name is Vanessa. I'm bisexual, and I've been kicked out of my house for it. I don't know why; I was just letting my mom know who I really am. She's always encouraged me to be myself, but when I decide not to keep myself so deep in the closet, she hates me? Fine, whatever. For a week now, I've been wandering the streets of L.A. feeling so alone, so angry, angry at myself and my mom and the whole world, wondering what to do. I had no idea my mom would act like this when I came out to her. I thought if she did get mad at me, my dad would try to stop her from being so cruel. But he didn't, he let it happen. He let her kick me out. What am I supposed to do now? I mean, I don't have anywhere at all I could go...if you're an LGBT teenager and want to come out to your parents, here's some advice: DO. NOT. EVER. tell your parents while you live with them still. Even if you're completely sure you'll be accepted, there's always a chance you won't be. I thought if I waited so long to tell them I'd be living a lie, but I guess sometimes the lie is worth it.
I looked at the deep cuts all over my wrists, arms and legs, then got my razor out and made some more cuts, ones that were deeper and bloodier than any I've made before. The dark red liquid dripped down from my arms onto my legs, and from my legs onto the bench I was sitting on. My razor had a lot of dried blood on it. I've been doing this for 3 years, but this isn't gonna help me anymore. I've been thinking about suicide even longer than I've been cutting, and after this had to happen, I know now that I'm ready to do it. I'm going to kill myself. Cutting has always helped me release my pain. That and listening to Tokio Hotel. I love Tokio Hotel, and especially Bill Kaulitz. Spring Nicht and Don't Jump are two of the songs that have helped me get through life. But I guess those things aren't gonna be enough to keep me alive any longer...
Even the big, bustling, city of L.A. was depressing. I guess the city decided to sleep that night, because the usually crowded streets were dismal and empty. This noisy city was actually quiet tonight. It was also darker than normal. The moon was only a crescent, not putting out much light, and there weren't even many stars. So the usually beautiful night sky didn't look so nice either. It was like nature was trying to depress me too.
After just walking around, not really going anywhere, I came to a hotel that looked easy to get to the top of and tall enough to jump off of and die from it. Tears started pouring down my face harder than ever as I climbed up of the building. After about 10 minutes, I still hadn't jumped. I was just sitting there on the edge with my face buried in my arms, crying. My tears started hitting my cuts, and it was stinging so bad.
Eventually I lifted my head, turned around, and was shocked to see saw a boy up with me. He looked like he was somewhere between 18 and 20, with spiky jet black hair that stuck up in all directions and looked like lion's mane. He had highlights that looked like they were white or platinum blonde, and tons of eyeliner and other makeup, dressed in all black. Even his nails were painted black. He had chocolate brown eyes and was pale. When I came to my senses, I recognized him as Bill Kaulitz, the man that it's been my biggest dream to meet since I heard of him in 2006. There I was, about to commit suicide, and that was how I was going to meet Bill Kaulitz. But I had no idea how he was about to change my life.
I was really surprised, so I shouted at him, "Oh my God... BILL KAULITZ? Why are you up here!"
"I was about to go out somewhere and I saw you sitting here on the edge of the building," he said, sweating and apparently out of breath by how his voice sounded. "I just couldn't live with myself if I left and ignored you. Are you planning to jump down from here?"
I nodded. "Yes. I just can't take all the crap in my life anymore. I've tried so hard to get out, but this is the only way."
"Well... don't. Don't do it, please, you can't. Bitte, bitte, spring nicht." His voice was quiet and he sounded really sad, and I could tell he was about to cry. I knew what he said, being such a huge fan and also having been teaching myself German. He told me 'please, please don't jump'...
I just stared at him, upset and confused."Why do YOU care? You're Bill Kaulitz, you have bigger things to worry about than some random idiot on a hotel roof! Go away and just leave me to die!" I screamed at him. I was treating him horribly, but what did it matter if I was planning to be dead in a minute?
He sighed and said, "Look, you're obviously a Tokio Hotel fan. Then you should know my song. 'I scream into the night for you, don't make it true, don't jump...' he softly sang. "No, this isn't the way out. That's the whole point of the song. That no one should think about suicide. That someone cares. No matter how convinced you are that no one loves you and you won't be missed, you will be by somebody. Come on, you can't do this. What's your name, anyway?"
I wasn't crying as hard now, but I was still sobbing and now I was way beyond confused. I wanted to know why this was happening and why Bill was being so nice. He didn't know who I was, I was just some psycho suicidal girl. And he's a German boy who has a famous, successful band with number one hits, and he has thousands of girls fangirling over him, me included. Didn't he have somewhere better to be? "I'm... Vanessa." I didn't talk in more than a whisper. This just couldn't be real
"Well, Vanessa, you seem hurt," he said while looking around at all my cuts, the most recent ones so deep they were still bleeding. He moved my long bangs out of my face and asked me if I had a home to go back to.
"No. I'm bisexual, and my parents kicked me out," I said still barely whispering, my voice shaking, so worried about what he would think about me being bi.
"Wow, that's horrible. How would you like to live with me and the band until you can find somewhere to go?"
That had put me in total shock. "Umm... wow. If you're serious, Bill, that would be amazing. I'm a huge fan. I always thought you seemed so kind. But I never thought you would wanna take someone like me in to live with you."
He smiled at me the best he could when he had now started crying, and said, "Well, you thought wrong. Come on, we're staying in this hotel right here."
After not much longer, we were in their huge hotel suite. Bill had told me Tom was out at a club, and Georg and Gustav were asleep. That was good, I had a while before they'd find out about me. I sat down on the couch next to Bill and asked him where I could sleep later. The couch was so soft I didn't even care if I would have to sleep there.
"Just for tonight, you can have my bed. It's clear that you've been through a lot, and you need a good night's sleep." Bill was looking straight into my eyes, and suddenly I realized how much more beautiful he was in real life. I had no idea why he was being so nice to me. Just then, Tom walked in the door."Hey, Bill, you got a girlfriend, huh? Yeah, about time," he said in a slurred voice as he stumbled into his room. Of course he was drunk. He's Tom. At least he wouldn't wanna know who I was until morning. Then it occurred to me that I'd had the same clothes on for a week. "Hey, Bill? Do you maybe have some extra clothes I can wear?" I asked him.
He started scanning over how I looked. I have long, straight black hair with purple streaks all in it, and a few zits that were covered up, but the concealer had come off. I was wearing a black and red Tokio Hotel shirt, a black skirt with the Tokio Hotel logo on it, and black converse. My clothes were torn and dirty, and especially my skirt was ripped the most. He laughed a little and told me, "You know, I like your sense of style. You're a few inches shorter than me, so my clothes won't really fit. But they'll work for tonight", he said, and then he looked in his bag and threw me some black pajamas. He was right, they didn't fit well considering he was around 6'1 and I was more like 5'4. I had to forget about wearing the pants, and shirt fit like a nightgown.
"So, Vanessa, would you mind explaining to you what's happened to you?" I said ok and sat back down.
I tried to speak without crying my eyes out again. "Well, there's been a lot of bad stuff in my life. I've been depressed for years, and that explains the cuts. What's made me live so long is the cutting... and your music. I've always wanted to let you know how your music has saved me. But, anyway, a week ago I decided to tell my parents that I'm bi, and my mom told me to get out. She said those thoughts came from the devil, and were ungodly and unnatural. She yelled at me, said as long as I liked both guys and girls I wasn't her daughter. She said all kinds of other horrible things too. She called my friends and said bad things to them, and she told me she didn't care where I stayed as long as it wasn't with her. Earlier tonight, every last bit of hope I had was finally gone when I realized there was nothing I could do. I decided to jump off of this hotel. Then..." I just couldn't holf myself back from crying. I felt bad because I had ended up crying on Bill's shoulder, and I bet he felt awkward. "Then you saved me."
Bill hugged me, and he felt so warm. He just let me keep crying on him. "Vanessa, can I tell you something?" he started to say. "I told the press I've never felt suicidal. And that I'm not gay. The first one is a lie, the second one is true. But when I was 16, I thought I was gay. I wasn't feeling anything for girls, and I felt like I had a crush on a guy I was good friends with. I was so confused because I thought I was gay, the thing I hated getting called every day, and I didn't understand anything that was going on. I felt like I needed to kill myself. But with some help from Tom, I found out that the whole thing was nothing. I didn't have a crush on my friend, I didn't like guys, I just really needed to find the right girl. Tom told me he didn't want me to die. We're so close and he wouldn't be able to go on without me. He cared, and he assured me he always would. And that's how I got the inspiration to write Spring Nicht. Now I'm still kinda depressed, but I don't think about dying anymore, and neither should you."
I just sat there, trying to take in all that he had said. "Oh my God. I never realized you'd been through so much too. I'm so sorry that happened."
"You don't need to be sorry. You had nothing to do with it." He glanced down at his watch. "It's past two in the morning. You look so tired, why don't you go to bed?" He gave me another hug, and I almost didn't wanna let go.
I tried to stop crying. I had on as much makeup as Bill and I could feel all the mascara and eyeliner running and making me look terrible, but I didn't care. "Ok, Bill... you get some sleep too, okay?" He showed me where his room was, and I went and sat down on the bed to think for a while. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep that night.