Freaks in Love

As I passed another FOR SALE sign, my mind began to wonder. "Why do all my neighbors keep moving away?" The sign belonged to the Ferguson's who lived across the street from me. They were an odd family. First of all, they painted their house tan of all colors. Any normal person would have painted it neon orange or even bright green, heck I would have settled for purple. And if that wasn't bad enough, they have a white car! Not an elephant! Can you believe it? What a bunch of freaks. Nobody ever hears a peep out of them. No wild parties or band practices, no yelling or arguing, just silence.

I have a beautiful elephant named Jeremy. I take him everywhere I go, except into places that he can't fit, like most indoor places. Some of the places I go have a strict NO ELEPHANT policy so he has to wait outside, whatever.

As I started to walk towards Andrew, the father of the Ferguson's household, I tried my best to look like I had been crying for a long time by breathing heavily and making my eyes water. When I reached him I screamed "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME?"

I dropped to my knees and grabbed his ankles and started hysterically babbling about how I wished he would stay and that I would die without him. He yanked his ankle away and told me I was a freak as he picked his son up and grabbed his wife's hand and retreated into their ugly white car. He left me on the ground repeating, "why Andy? Why?" over and over again.

As he sped off I pulled myself up and very calmly dusted myself off and climbed back onto Jeremy and proceeded to the store to buy more purple paint. Jeremy loves the color purple so I paint his whole body once a week as a treat.

When I arrived at Wal-Mart I parked Jeremy in a big nice white tent beside the store filled with all kinds of plants for Jeremy to eat. The Wal-Mart employees must have known I was coming and set this up just for him, how nice.

I went to the paint section and got about 3 gallons worth of "Royal Iris", a very bright purple, Jeremy's favorite. I gave it to the employee working behind the paint blender and waited for him to mix my paint. He wouldn't stop staring at me funny so I asked him what his problem was. It's not like I'm the weird one here. He had a Wal-Mart shirt tucked in over his immense belly into his blue jeans that were held up by a black belt. I understood the Wal-Mart shirt but blue jeans?

I was wearing my normal attire of a 3XL t-shirt that came down past my knees and my polka-dotted bra on the outside of it. My bright green hair was pulled into a messy pony tail just above my forehead. I hated shoes that pinched my feet so I wore size 20 basketball shoes that gave me plenty of room for my feet just in case my feet decided to grow some more.

The strange man shook his head and turned back and pretended to mess with the paint blender. He handed me my paint and I turned to walk away but I heard him say, "Freak" under his breath.

I don't understand why everyone thinks that I'm a freak. I mean, they're the ones that always strive to be the alike. If someone is a little different than them then they get casted aside as a "freak". I'm the normal one here, they are all freaks.

My thoughts were interrupted by a shrill scream coming from a lady pointing at Jeremy who had one of his colossal feet resting on a torso of a small child. Jeremy snorted at the kid with his long trunk. I sighed and said, "It's just my elephant, people. Calm down."

I saw the anger in Jeremy's eyes and realized what he was going to do. I figured the child had come across the giant creature while shopping with his mother and pulled on his tail or his trunk or something of the sorts. Now, usually I would let Jeremy have his way in situations like this but today I was just too tired and didn't want to clean all the blood off of him before I painted him.

"Jeremy Biersack! Get off that child this instant or I swear I won't paint you today!" I warned him, "and besides you hate the color red anyways." He trumpeted one more time and then stepped off him and left the screaming snot nosed brat to run to his frantic mother. I climbed back up on my elephant and made my way back home.

A couple weeks later, I read in the news paper that someone had bought the Ferguson's old house. I prayed that it was not another nutcase. I can't stand those weirdoes. They should be here in a few weeks. I put the newspaper down and pondered on what to do if they were another bunch of fruitcakes. I could stand outside their windows and just stare at them until they call the cops. I could take a gasoline can and fill it with water and courteously water their plants. It's almost winter time so I could make snowmen and label them with each of their names and chop a limb of the snow men every day. I could do anything really.

Today, the new neighbors move in. The moment of truth. I see the U-Haul truck pull into the driveway. There's a huge trailer following it. I wonder what it could be; it looks like the same kind of trailer that I brought Jeremy here in. Could it be? Could this finally be a normal person after all these years? I certainly hope so. I saw him get out of the truck and my breath got caught in my throat. He was perfect. His hair was long and black with the top part spiked and a bandana wrapped around his forehead. He wore black makeup that circled his eyes and streak that came from his eyes in a tear-like fashion down to his chin, and a dot below his eye about nose level that also had a streak going down to about his mouth level. He wore shoes almost as big as me and skinny yellow jeans, he had no shirt on but had black paint latticed all around his upper body. As he stepped out of the truck he raised his arms as if he was reaching to the heavens and screamed, "Release the seagulls!" into the sky.

I cart wheeled down the stairs and it proved a mighty challenge in my big clown shoes. I tripped on the way down and fell the rest of the way making a sound that was close to little yapping dogs being dropped off the top of the building. I got up and sprinted outside to meet this perfect man. I caught him opening the big mystery trailer what I saw made me squeal in delight. He had a giant fat unicorn! It almost looked like a rhino but everyone knows they don't exist. I could see that it was freshly painted green. I came up to him and he said, "I love your hair. It reminds me of Sammi my fat unicorn. Green is Sammi's and mine favorite color. So what's your name? My name is Christian Coma but you can call me CC,"

"Thanks I love your fat unicorn too. My name is Ashley Pitts. So you must be the new neighbor, would you like to see my elephant?"

"Quack yeah! Sammi would enjoy the company. So what's its name?"

"His name is Jeremy he loves the color purple. You caught him at a good time he's been recently painted." I led him while he was on the back of Sammi to the back of my house where I kept Jeremy.
"Coolness I haven't met another normal person like you in years. You sure are purdy. I can tell that this will be a good friendship. I bet it will or I promise I will drink 14 cases of non-alcoholic beer and exercise with 5 shake weights all at the same time for 13 hours." I have already started to fall for him, I want to marry him. Today.

"Will you marry me?" I asked as I leapt into his arms.

He stuttered for a moment then replied with a great big, "YAY-UHH!"

I cried as I pressed my face into his chest getting black paint all over my face. Hoping that he would find this attractive I pulled my face away and dramatically kissed his eyelids. I have never been so happy in my life. I had finally found my soul-mate. I pulled my face away from his as I had an amazing idea. I explained to him that since he already bought his house, Jeremy and Sammi could work together to push our houses together.

He said that the most amazing idea ever and then we got on our giant pets and got into position behind my house and told them to move forward. They struggled at first, their feet digging into the ground but then it moved a few inches. It was much easier after that. We moved it until it got to the middle of the street. We decided to take a break then, to give the mighty beasts a rest. CC and I really got to know each other then. CC's favorite things to do is lie on the ground and pretend to swim as he sings songs from Finding Nemo.

We started to move his house to meet mine. Again we had trouble at first but then it got easier. When the two houses collided we soon found a problem with this setup, even though the houses are together they are still separated by a wall. So I grabbed a banana and gave CC one singing, "Have this banana pleeeaase?"

CC laughed and replied in the same tune, "Hold this ice cream scoop pleeeeaase?" as he gave me an ice cream scoop.

I threw the ice cream scoop down and picked up another banana and started breaking the sides of the houses that were touching to make it one big house in the middle of the street.

The bananas proved to be very effective in doing this wall bashing work. We got it done in a matter of 20 minutes. Leaving lots of time to do other stuff. We planned our wedding. I was going to be dressed in a dress made of purple fish bones and walk down the aisle made of tree stumps. He will be waiting dressed in a green suit. Only Jeremy and Sammi are allowed to come. Sammi will be the one to wed us because CC said that she was a trained priest.

EPILOGUE

10 years later: "Don't pull his ears like that, Jake!" CC told his son. Jake was riding around on Dahvie, his elephant unicorn mutant and pulling his ears like reins.

"I sowwy daddy." Jake looked down at the floor as his bottom lip began to tremble.
"Aww don't cry Jakey, Your father just doesn't want you to hurt Dahvie that's all" I explained to him. "You're not in trouble, now who wants to paint the animals?"

"I DO!" CC and Jake both yelled at the same time. They got up and ran. Jake on Dahvie and CC on Sammi, to the garage where the green and purple paint was kept. Jake started to paint his elephant unicorn mutant a tie dye pattern of purple and green. As usual Jeremy got a coat of purple and Sammi got a coat of green. I took a look at my family and thought to myself, "So, freaks can be happy after all."