Most stories start at the beginning, and run through to the end… I want to tell this one differently. Instead of telling you the beginning first, I want to say what happened mere moments ago, and explain why I now kneel here in the darkness, with her lifeless body in my arms. I would never have thought that I would cry for her. Not for one second…but that was then, and this is now. Now, when I stare down at her face and demand: "Why?". Now, when I feel that unfamiliar damp sensation on my cheeks that I believe they call 'tears'…. it had been so long since I had last cried, that I had almost forgotten what it felt like. I had no desire to remember, either.
How I wished that she would just open her eyes to look at me, or just tell me that it's all right. I had never needed such reassurance before, but now was an exception. I had done what I could to try and keep her here, but those attempts were futile. Although, somewhere deep inside we both knew this, I still did what I could for her. I won't forget her last word…my name. Said with apology, sadness and pain all at once. Her hand had reached out for mine, as though begging for support and aid. Her face…Usually so pain free and content, was tear stained, as her teeth clenched in pain that she refused to express, and her eyes filled with desperation that I had never seen since I had found her close to death in the crater. It was only when those beautiful eyes slid closed that I knew that I could no longer help her this time…
The agony, and the strength she was determined to show…it was all the same…Right down to the bloodstained uniform, and her white- blonde hair – usually brushed back so tidily- which had fallen across her face, hiding a small stream of blood that trickled from the corner of her mouth, and dripped from her chin to make a small crimson stain on the collar of her shirt. Kneeling here now, I can still remember how I had been reunited with her only approximately two years after the events with Kadaj…more pain came from knowing that these moments with her –however terrible- would soon come to an end. Her body would fade away into the Lifestream as she returned to the planet…I would be left alone again. Solitude. Silence I could use to remember my sin. A new sin…a new punishment to suffer. The usual agony left behind after losing one so precious would serve as my punishment. But please, do not misunderstand. Do not for one moment mistake me as the victim. I failed to protect her…and so it is indeed my fault that this happened to her. In return, to live will be my punishment until the day that I am freed. Granted the forgiveness that I am unworthy of, and definitely do not deserve... for now, all I can do is wait for her to be taken from me by the Lifestream, and feel my heart rip in two…for waiting is always the absolute worst…