This starts right after the first season ends. The M rating is just in case I need it...
I don't own these characters
It had been two weeks since the American Taliban broadcast. Mackenzie had tried to cajole Will into telling her what the message had said but eventually she gave up and stopped asking. There relationship was once again stalled and she was depressed from the utter the hopelessness of it all.
Will knew he was being unfair and unkind but worst of all he could see what it was doing to her. She was growing increasingly quiet and there was a sadness in her eyes that worried him.
"Mackenzie" he said softly, coming up behind her as she was walking into her office.
"Can we talk?"
"Sure. Come on in." she offered, settling into her desk chair.
"You're upset and I think it's my fault."
"I'm just…confused and feeling kind of lost, but it's really not your problem, it's mine"
"If you're not coping it is my problem. Can't have my EP falling apart." He said lightly.
"Don't worry, I'll do my job" Mackenzie was damned if she was going to fail at the one thing she knew she did well. It was obviously all that Will cared about these days.
"I didn't mean it that way. I know you'll do your job brilliantly, as you always do. I meant that I don't like to see you stressed and I want to help if I can."
Mackenzie felt the tears welling up her eyes. How many time was he going to taunt her with offers to be her friend? It was all becoming too much for her. She thought she was strong and able to cope with working a few feet away from him, but apparently she wasn't strong enough.
"You can't help. You should go back to your office now…please."
"Are you sure I can't do anything for you?" he pleaded
"I'm sure. I just need to be quiet and for you to leave, please."
Will got up, and walked around to stand behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. " I'm sorry" he whispered. He could feel her shoulders trembling under his touch. It was if she was going to break and it hurt him to feel her pain and not be able to soothe her.
Mackenzie squared her shoulders and waved him away, turning to her computer screen, determined not to show any further emotion. It was all she could do not to dissolve into tears before she heard his footsteps leaving her office.
For the rest of the day Will stayed at his desk, quietly writing his script until it was time for the last meeting to lock in the show. He was surprised to find Jim in Mackenzie's place with no sign of her.
"Where's Mackenzie Jim?"
"She went out for a walk. Said she'd be back in time for the broadcast. I think she just needed a break from the office" Jim explained gently.
Will was rattled. Mackenzie never left unless I was an emergency. He changed and waited quietly in his office, lost in thought, until finally it was time to go and take his seat at the anchor desk. At the 3 mins warning, he heard her voice come into her ears. Relieved he perked up, and smiled warmly at her.
"Ready Will?" she asked in sad voice.
"Ready. Are you ok?"
"Good show" she replied
"Good show"
It was their ritual but tonight it was more like code for "No I am not ok." He decided to focus on the hour ahead and then talk to her about it when they wrapped. Maybe convince her to go for a quiet drink and get her to open up.
It was rare that they got through a broadcast without Mackenzie calling him up at least once. But tonight there was none of the usual banter, no teasing and no affection. She barely spoke and when she did it was just to feed him the information he needed to pronounce a name correctly, or to tell him what was coming up .As soon as the red light went off Will was out of his chair and walking into the control room to find her. Somehow she'd managed to get out of the studio before he could reach her. He office was dark and when he looked around he saw that her bag was gone. He left a message on her mobile, and as a last resort, dropped by Hang Chew's to look for her.
All eyes were on him as he walked into the bar. He rarely put in an appearance at the staff hang out and when he did it was because Mackenzie was dragging him in to buy a round for the team and congratulate them after a particularly good show.
But tonight he was alone, and looking lost.
"Sloan, have you seen her?" he asked, slipping on to the stool beside Sloan who was perched the bar.
"Nope"
"Do you know what's going on?"
" Isn't it obvious?" Sloan said in a hostile voice
"Would I be asking you if it was?" he barked
"Yes, if you're determined to pretend you don't know."
"Cut it out Sloan. Just tell me what's wrong with her. I'm concerned."
Sloan didn't know where to begin. Could he really be so dense that he didn't know how much he was hurting Mackenzie and himself with his stupid games? She couldn't recall ever seeing two people suffer like these two, so clearly in love with each other and so fucked up over it. In spite of the fact that Mackenzie would kill her for what she was about to say…..she couldn't keep it in any longer. Someone had to say it.
"She's in love with you and she's drowning, okay? Can't you see that? She's human Will. You've treated her like shit, bringing Brian in, and then pulling that stunt with the pills. She went crazy when you were in the hospital. She was sick with worry. I actually thought that after that you would wake up and realize how lucky you are to have her worried about you and in love with you…still. "
"I know that I'm lucky to have her back in my life"he sighed
"If that' really true the you better fix this."
Will just stared at Sloan. Was it really possible that Mackenzie was suffering that much? By now Will had so much experience shutting out the emotional hell of working so close and yet not being together, he was good at it. But Mackenzie wasn't. She talked tough but she was vulnerable and still hoping for a happy ending he realized.
"Come on Lonny" he barked. "We're going to Mackenzie's place." Will shouted over to Lonny who was sitting across the room.
On the ride over he contemplated whether to phone her or not. If he called she might just decide not to be there when he arrived, he decided. As unfair as it was to just show up unannounced, it was the only way he could be certain she wouldn't try and duck out. Mackenzie was at home. She was into her third glass of wine, feeling emotionally drained when she saw Sloan's name appear on her phone as it vibrated, begging for her attention.
"Hello Sloan" she said flatly
"Kenzie, listen Will is on his way over- he case you didn't know."
"Will? Coming here? Are you sure?"
"Yup. He was just here, at the bar and I heard him tell Lonny to take him to your place. He's in a lather Kenz"
"Why? What did he say?"
"He's worried about you. Frantic actually. Let him talk Kenz. I think maybe he's starting to see the light. "
"There is no light Sloan. There is only Will who doesn't give a shit so long as I show up and perform and not collapse from being fucked around….and me, a pathetic mess hanging around on the remote chance that I'll be the last woman standing…and he might actually notice me. That's all there is…."
"Kenz you sound kind of hammered?"
"So what ? I can numb myself with wine if I want to. Anyway it doesn't work. I still hurt Sloan. I can't seem to shake this. Not this time."
Mackenzie heard the buzz of her front door. "Shit Sloan. He's here."
"It's ok Kenz. I swear he's upset and he's probably going to tell you. Just let him talk. Please?"
"It's not as if I have a choice" She put down her phone and went to intercom.
"Hello"
"It's me, Will. Can I come in ?"
Mackenzie went down one fight to the front hall. The brownstone was English style with the sitting room on the second floor, while the kitchen dining room and a small sitting room were on the main floor. She opened the door and turned abruptly so Will wouldn't see her face.
She knew she looked like a sad wreck and just wanted to get into her bathroom before he saw her. She didn't get far. Will held on to her arm and pulled her around to face him before she could climb the stairs.
"Mackenzie" he said softly. "Come here."
Will put his arms around her pulled her into a warm embrace.
"I know you're upset and I want to help"
"We did this Will. You can't help" she cried
"Yes I can. Let me try. Please?"
"What…."
"Is there more of that wine?"
"Help yourself. It's upstairs in the bar."
Will followed Mackenzie up to the big second flooring living room. It was cosy room with big overstuffed sofas, and fireplace and a huge flat screen TV on an easel in one corner. Lots of comfy chairs and ottomans and big coffee table stacked with books. Will looked around the room admiringly. It had been years since he'd been in this room. He remembered the happy times they spent over a lazy Sunday breakfast, newspapers strewn around, nestled together in the big sofa, laughing and arguing over the Sunday Times, before he would wrestle her into submission and make love to her on the floor, sometimes in front of a glowing fire, or up on the terrace under the big umbrella on piles of cushions...
"This is such a wonderful room." He sighed,heading first over to the wall of bookcases that went the entire length of the room, ceiling to floor with a ladder that glided on rail mounted just below the ceiling. So many beautiful leather bound books from Mackenzie's father and then miles it seemed of art and design books, and rows and rows of biography's, Will's favorite category.
"I could just sit in this room and read…forever." He said smiling.
"I would say that you're welcome to, but I know that's not what you want to hear" Mackenzie muttered softly.
"I think I'll pour myself that wine now" Will sighed. "How's your glass?"
"I think I'm ready for another and another after that."
"On second thought, I'm going right for the Scotch. I see your father's single malts are in good supply."
"Come, sit with me. We need to talk." He said. Patting the seat beside him on the sofa.
But Mackenzie opted instead to curl up in the chair facing him, tucking her legs under he and cradling her glass, staring into it.
"You have the wrong idea. I am not unaffected by all of this. Not at all. In fact I'm struggling too. It's complicated and it's hard to figure out and I'm sorry that I've taken most of my frustration out on you, I really am." He said, trying to make eye contact.
Mackenzie just looked at him. His eyes were sad and she could see that he was sincere.
"But you can't cave Mackenzie. Not now, when we're …"
"We're what Will? What are we? I would really like to know."
"We're….better. Aren't we?"
"If you mean that we're not killing each other. Yes. But after almost two years of working side by side to be at this place is not…"
"Enough?"
"Yes"
"Maybe we're about to have some kind of thing happen. Like a breakthrough, as Jack would say." He said hopefully
"So….something big could happen then? Let's see…you could suddenly meet the woman of your dreams and fall head over hells in love and finally get to propose with that perfect solitaire you keep locked in your drawer…that was once meant for me before I fucked everything up…for example? Yes, that could happen. Something for me to contemplate…I guess" she said, her eyes brimming with emotion.
"Don't be stupid. Do you see me dating? I have not looked past you in over a year. I've been struggling with my feelings, trying to talk to you….just not getting very far. But I'm trying! I'm here, and I'm talking. OK?'
"You're here because you're afraid I'm going to…expire and you'll lose your EP and have to visit your ex-girlfriend in an institution!"
"I'm here because you're the closest thing to me and I don't want to lose that or you!"
"You're shouting Will."
"Well…are you hearing me at least? Can't you come over here and sit beside me, please?" he shouted
"Don't you think there's something wrong with this picture Will? This is not exactly a tender moment, is it? We can't seem to do anything but shout at each other… I mean Christ, why would I want to come over there and just be subjected to…."
Will stood up and walked over to Mackenzie and pulled her up firmly on to her feet.
"I probably should have done this a long time ago. It's the only way I know to shut you up!" He tilted her head upward and put his lips over hers, drowning out her protests with a searing kiss. After that he couldn't let go of her. Her lips were sweet and soft and memories of her naked against him flooded his brain. How had he waited this long? She felt like no one in the world. She was the woman he lost himself to years ago and never recovered. He felt as if a part of himself that was missing was back... right there, in his arms.
"Mackenzie" he groaned. "I've missed you so damn much." He moaned into her mouth, between kisses. "I need this. I need you. Please give me a little more time. Please don't give up on us yet. Please…"
She was stunned. Every part of her was crying out for more of him. Will's body against hers and his mouth over hers was everything she wanted and needed.
"Will" she cried out.
"I know. It's ok. I promise. We're not going to stop. I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out. I need it too ." he moaned
He could feel her tears,wet on his cheeks. He could feel the heat in his groin and the stress falling off her as she melted into him. He could feel her desire and her need of him as real as his own. He reached down and scooped her up and into his arms and carried her to the sofa. "Come on, he said, laying back on the sofa and cradling her in his lap. "Let's just be close now." He kept kissing her and stroking her and whispering softly that he needed her.
"What are we doing?" she said suddenly
"We're doing what we should have done months ago. We're taking what we need . We need to be close. We need to be touching and getting to know each other again. I miss this and I think that some of the anger and frustration that makes us so hostile…is because we' ve been fighting it so hard. Maybe if we don't fight it, it will be better?"
"Better?" she laughed "God Billy, I've needed your arms around me every day since I came home. I just hope this is real. If you go back into your cave again, I swear I won't be able to stand it. Do you hear me? I've been waiting to hear your fucking message for months. You got there once and then you retreated and if you think you're going to do that again…"
"I was stoned out of my mind. I'm not stoned now and I got here…on only one scotch and a huge dose of fear. I thought I was losing you. I can't lose you again…not now."
"I'm taping you Will. I swear I am! If you start this up again you have to mean it. You can't go back to being a shit to me."
"I mean it. I promise." he moaned, kissing her still.
"I'm a little drunk. Please don't screw with my head. We have to work together... What if..."
"hush. I promise I won't. I can't stop kissing you. Doesn't that tell you something?"
"Yes, I've noticed that. And I'm noticing something else" she said, squirming in his lap.
" I have to get up and go home. We need to do this right this time. But we got to first base and it feels so good. It feels like…I dreamt it would. You feel like…"
"Billy…" she said softly, watching his eyes fill with tears. "It's ok, I know that you love me. I just didn't think that you knew." she whispered.
"I thought that you were never going to let yourself feel it again…and it was killing me. But you do feel it...don't you?. " she said, wiping his tears and kissing his cheeks and his temples, and finally his lips.
"Of course I do."
"But I need you to talk to me. I don't even know if you've forgiven me. Have you?"
" I think so. Honestly...I still get upset every time I think about it. Sometimes, at night, it's still bad. But I'm trying not to go there...in my head."
"So it's not all ok then, is it?"
"It's a lot better. I'm working on it, and Jack is helping. I'm trying to get there." he whispered.
"Why don't you stay? We can just curl up and sleep?" she offered. She wanted the touching to stop. She didn't want to wake up and find out that it wasn't real.
"I probably can't do that." He said gently. "Seriously, I already have...I mean I'm getting so hard and…"
"Ok.. But if we get there, I want you to make love to me until you're half dead. I miss that part Will."
"If? Do you really think there's an option here, because I don't think so."
"I'm not going to be a foregone conclusion William McAvoy. You're going to need to work hard to get in my pants again mister!" she laughed
"I see. Well then, I'll just have to do that." He said kissing her one last time before he pushed her off his lap and stood up. How could he make love to her when he couldn't even say the words? He promised himself he wouldn't...unless he could tell her first. She needed the words, and he needed to be able to say them.
"Good night Ms McHale. Mind if I go home and dream about you now?"
"That would be fine" she laughed
"Lonny where the hell are you?" He called, relieved when he saw the car pull up. The ball was in his court now. He couldn't let her down this time, he thought, feeling elated and scared to death, at the same time.