I couldn't seem to see the end. It was all just a repeating cycle of the same thing, and I was sick of it. So here I was, holding the bottle of pills, staring at the label as if I were checking to see how many I could eat without dying. The problem was, my goal was to eat so many I had no choice but to die. The cycle, for me, would end.

I had no suicide note. What was there to say besides goodbye? And my death would have that word all over it. I looked down again, at the pills, and threw them aside. I didn't want to die. Why was I even doing this? Why were these thoughts running through my mind? Then I thought of her.

Mitchie. She was the one who had got rid of my suicidal thoughts in the first place. She's the one who made it all disappear, and I had opened up to her like a book. But why? Why had I allowed myself to be opened? Why had I revealed all my pages in a rush as if we had limited time?

I looked around and sighed. My room was full of color and music and life, but I didn't feel like being in a room that was communicating joy. I wanted to be in a place that expressed my emotions better.

How cliche, it was raining outside. But right now, I needed the rain. I needed it to cleanse me of my thoughts.

I went outside and let the water run down my face. I kept walking, even though I knew it wasn't good for me to be walking around in the rain without a sweater. Right now, I didn't even care. I let my thoughts travel back to... her.

What would she say right now? Firstly, she would tell me to get my butt out of the rain. I allowed myself a small smile. She would ask me what I was doing, why I wasn't messaging her back, why I was avoiding her.

The problem was, I didn't know myself. Well, I kind of knew. It was mostly because of how risky it was too keep talking to her, to stop avoiding her. My own feelings were scaring me, scaring me away from her. It was too risky to stay, too risky to be tempted back into her arms where I knew I belonged. The thing is, I love this girl.

Why is that an issue? You might ask. Why can't you two just get together and live happily ever after?

I shook my head, knowing exactly why.

Firstly, I am a Christian girl. We aren't completely opposed to gay people, but we believe the concept of loving another of the same gender is wrong. My family, my church... what would they say? I love my relationship with Christ. And going out with Mitchie? That would toss it down the drain.

Secondly, we might get together, but I know for a fact it won't be a happily ever after. I hadn't put up any walls, and she hadn't either. I know that I'm going to break her heart, and she'll be left a hollow shell, broken and bruised. She had asked my why we even needed those guards, why we needed to have walls up around our hearts. She didn't know why being an open book was so wrong. I responded,

Being an open book gives someone else the ability to close it. The abiltiy to rip out all the pages, and erase all the words. An open book, it's too hard to explain it. I don't want to burn the binding, I don't want to see the ink blur. The book is my heart, and I might give you a papercut as you turn my pages. You might find something you never knew that frightens you, and in your effort to tear out the page, you rip out a couple others until everything is falling apart, and all that's left is the cover, leaving behind a shallow person who's lost everything, including themself.

She apparently hadn't gotten why I was so frightened. She didn't get why I didn't want my heart torn apart, or even gently broken. I just wanted a one hundred percent guarantee I would never get hurt, and that's impossible.

I went back to my house, dripping wet but determined to make her understand. I logged in and wrote in the message box a song, a song that came from my heart. As I wrote the last part, I was crying, the tears mingled with the raindrops lying on my cheeks.

Can't stand watching you endure aches

I can't stand watching you as my own heart breaks

All because I never warned you, all because of me

That promises are almost impossible to keep

I don't want to cause you greif

Know I know that I'm the theif

That somehow stole your heart with only phrases

I don't want to be your ex,

or the one who stole your heart

by skipping several phases

I think I mighta missed a beat

Cuz my singing's way off key

Your trying to get me back on the song

But I think I might've been crazy all along

To believe that in the end we could seperate and be strong

I don't think I can do both

But I can't hold you close

I just don't see that as fair to you

It'll only end in a bloody mess

Where someone ends up heartless

And the other aching, breaking into two

I just can't see you go away

But this warmth has caused me pain

Somewhere, someone's telling me to let go

You've made me forget about the facts

I've got to study, get them back

The fairytales are making me think we don't have to take it slow

Now it's too late

There's nothing to wait for

No more

The book, I think is closing

And the writer, he is dosing

He's forgotten to finish my last page

So I'm left, alone and frigthened

You sing, and I'm enlightened,

I'm busy wrestling with the lock on the cage

The cage that holds my heart

together

But it's tearing me apart

I will never

Be able to believe in love

I'm missing the word

Oh, love

love

love.

I'm feeling love?

love?

love?

Is that enough?

'nough

'nough

But I'll be tough

tough

tough

For you

My book is missing the word

love

love

love.

I'm feeling love?

love?

love?

Is that enough?

'nough

'nough

But I'll be tough

tough

tough

For you

I hit the "Send" box and wiped my nose messily on my hand. The best way, I've found, to express my feelings is in songs. Just talking has never really grasped the full meaning of my emotions, and I know that others relate better to song than to words. I don't know why, but it's just that way.

Mitchie. What would she be thinking when she read this? If I knew her at all, she would still be determined. Determined to believe that we could still work out. Determined to think that we would be together forever. Ah, the dreamer. I miss being a dreamer, but I've been wearing my heart out on my sleeve for way too long, and it was time I tucked it back where it needed to be. The cage I mentioned in the song was metaphorical, but it was where I needed my heart to be. Locked up, unavailabe for stealing.

I'm too scared to jump off a cliff, because I'm not even sure I have my wings yet.

I'm too scrared to try to fly, I'm not even sure my wings are good enough.

I'm too scared to do anything, anymore. Ever since I've stopped speaking to her, I've felt a part of me missing, like my soul was against me and had decided to hang out at her place till I came to my senses and actually messaged her back. But I couldn't even bring myself to look at her name anymore, it was too painful a reminder that I had to say goodbye. I didn't want to. But I had to. It was for my own good.

Love? It's like suicide. Except with this? You can't decide. It's really not your choice, your call, your desicion. It's fates. And with me? He decided I would fall. Hard. For someone I knew I wasn't couldn't be with. Sure, we could be Romeo and Juliet. But we would die in the end, or at least be heartbroken.

I know I'm too young to know love. It's too early to be having feelings this strong, and I refuse to allow them to make me do something stupid.

I'm being cruel, I'm being mean, I'm being heartless. But in the end? Mitchie's going to make it. And me? I'll get through it knowing she's okay.

I couldn't bear the thought of breaking her heart like I know I'll end with.

Sighing, I changed into something more... dry. My wet clothes went in the washer, and I sat in my chair staring at the computer screen.

Just talk to her. My thoughts urged. Just say hello.

But I knew that I couldn't do it. I knew. Because I might be strong, but I am not invincable. And I know, just know, that getting back to her will end in heartbreak.