Author - Sunnycouger )
Rating - PG
Disclaimer - the characters sadly don't belong to me or else I would have my own Adam and Adam and Joan would be away living in perfect bliss already. They belong to their creator and I am making no money from this so don't sue. It's not worth it - I own nothing apart from my laptop and you wouldn't want that.
Summary - After the events of 'Silence' Joan is suffering a crisis in faith and is finding it difficult to adjust to the life she thinks she should have. What will it take for her to reclaim her old life?
Authors Notes - First JoA fanfic so it's been hard for me to get it down. Hope it's okay but please let me know what you think.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
There are times that I should try,
To be so much more alive,
But if time was right,
Then I would be with you again.
Or do you worry that I try,
To avoid the point and then deny
The time I've spent deciding it was you again.
It's when I,
I live in a hiding place.
It's the only way I feel safe,
When I'm safe in a hiding place,
That's not hidden now.
I'm safe in a hiding place,
It's the only way I feel safe.
Live in a Hiding Place by Idlewild
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The night sky was purple as she sat on the front step, knees drawn to her chest and cheek against her knee looking at the sky. Once upon a time Joan Girardi would have looked at the stars and seen so much, thought of so much and been inspired. Times had changed - now she looked up and saw without appreciating the sight. The old Joan would have looked up and dreamt about touching the stars, or remembered how pretty she thought the sky was, or even remembered the story in the Lion King about people who died becoming stars to look down on those who were left behind. She took a deep breath as she shook her head. That had been a different time and a different person. That was a person who had been sick, and crazy and hallucinating. That hadn't been her - people couldn't touch the stars, people didn't hang around after they died. They died and then were gone. There was nothing after that. There was no such place as heaven because there was no such person as God. The myths she had believed, the dreams, the instincts, the chances she had taken were supposed to be a leap of faith, instead they were in fact slow steps to madness. Thank Go...no, not thank God, there was no such thing as God. Start again. Thank...goodness she had realised that in time and was now back to normal. A normal girl.
But sometimes, occasionally, during the long summer, she had missed something. She wasn't sure what it was, but she felt it. Her parents didn't see it - they were too happy that she was well. Kevin was too busy with his work and trying to convince Rebecca to go out with him again and Luke...well, Luke, the boy genius, Luke was too busy trying to keep up with Grace. Joan smiled gently as she thought of her brother pursuing her best friend - what a pairing they were. No one would have thought it worked, but it did and, despite her reservations, she had to admit that it did wonders for the both of them, even if they didn't admit it. Grace, against her best intentions, was kept interested by Luke and she smiled more in the past couple of months than she had in the whole time Joan had known her. Of course, the smiles did only happen when she was convinced no one could see - Grace had a reputation to protect after all.
And then there was Adam. Adam Rove. He knew. He saw. He felt it. He knew this wasn't the same girl from school. She wasn't sure if he knew what it was any more than she did, but she knew that unlike everyone else, he had noticed it. She sighed as she brushed hair out of her eyes. She missed Adam. It wasn't like they had split up or anything - although sometimes it felt like it with how little time they got to spend together now. When they were together though there seemed to be something between them, something intangible that neither of them could explain. She wasn't sure she could count how many times they had looked at each other and both began saying something only to stop before the words would come out. Maybe they were scared to address the problem. Maybe she was scared to address the problem because she knew what was at the root of it - her, and she wasn't sure she could stand to hear him say that. She loved him. Really loved him. That was one of the few things she was certain of anymore.
"That's not entirely true, Joan. You're certain of other things, you just won't admit it to yourself."
She lifted her head at the sound of the voice and saw a little girl with red hair and glasses standing there. She closed her eyes shut and bowed her head. The girl wasn't real - she was like all the others that had tormented her through the summer. The voices that were reminding her that she still wasn't well. That she was bordering on being crazy.
"You're not crazy, Joan."
Joan brought her hands up to her ears and covered them. She didn't want to hear the tricks her mind was playing on her. After a moment she took a deep breath opened her eyes and moved her hands. She had a look on the lawn and didn't see the girl.
"That's because I'm here."
Joan jumped as she turned to look at the step above her where the girl was sitting, her glasses halfway down her nose as she gave Joan a small smile. "You know if it was your mind playing tricks on you, covering your eyes and ears wouldn't have made any difference. That's one of the reasons the mind is such a wonderful thing - it lets you imagine anything."
"You're not real."
"You don't believe that."
Joan shook her head. "No, I do believe that. There is no such thing as God! It's like one big long, elaborate story which ended when I found out the moral of the tale was not to be so stupid as to believe that one person controls the universe."
The girl smiled as she pushed her glasses up on her nose. "You're hurting, Joan. I feel it. You wouldn't be in this pain if you didn't believe. You're just scared to open yourself up again."
Joan turned her head in an attempt to ignore the girl. She wasn't real. She wasn't...
"You should pick Adam up from work tonight."
Joan shook her head. "Yeah well, you should have been banished along with the disease, not happened has it?"
The girl stood and shrugged her shoulders as she jumped down the steps. "You think I abandoned you, Joan when you were at your lowest. I was there even when you didn't see me. I never abandoned you - that's not how it works. I couldn't tell you to believe I was there - because you have to choose to believe. That's why it's called a leap of faith - you choose the path you want to take."
"You're not real...you're a hallucination."
"If I'm a hallucination, Joan - you would have made me go away already."
"Yeah well, maybe I'm not as good at the whole 'using the power of the mind' thing as other crazy people are."
The girl shook her head. "Or maybe your scared to admit that maybe there's no easy answer. Maybe you're scared to have a little faith."
Joan rubbed her head in irritation. "What is it with you and faith. Leap of faith this, have faith that, it's all about faith, blah, blah, blah..."
"As I said at the hospital - I love faith. Faith is all around whether you believe in me or not. It's what gets you out of bed in the morning and what lets you live - faith that things will work out. Everything is about faith, without it there would be nothing. Pick Adam up, Joan."
"Why do you even care? He might not even believe in you, you know."
"That's his choice," the girl smiled as she took a step backwards. "The same way it is your choice to refuse to pick him up. Free will and all that."
She groaned as she dropped her head to her knees. She wasn't listening. This was the trick - it was a ploy by her own insanity to make her more...well, insane, she guessed. "Isn't it past your bed time - figment girl?"
"Isn't it time you woke up, Joan? Life is a gift - one that should be enjoyed, not endured."
Joan lifted her head and squinted as the girl began walking away. "I was enjoying my life - I was happy, I was normal, I was...sane! Then you showed up and messed the whole thing up."
"You could see it like that or you could think about what would have happened if I hadn't shown up. For example - would you have joined AP chemistry? Would you be sitting here tonight thinking about whoever it is you were thinking about?"
"Wait a minute," Joan said as she narrowed her eyes. For an imaginary person, this girl was really pushing her luck. "Are you taking credit for me meeting Adam?"
The girl shrugged her shoulders and gave a laugh as she turned around and began walking away. "No. I never even mentioned his name. It's you that's giving me credit for you meeting Adam. Goodnight, Joan."
"Not goodnight! Goodbye. I'm not listening to you anymore - you don't exist!"
"If I don't exist, why are you still shouting after me?" The girl asked without stopping as she walked away.
Joan pursed her lips and shook her head as she thought of a reply, before giving up as the small figure disappeared. She would have liked to run after the little pip-squeak and tell her exactly what she thought of her, but that would have been like an admission of something, and she wasn't willing to admit anything. If she was honest with herself, it was becoming harder and harder to pretend these strange people she met were figments of her imagination but she wasn't sure what else she should think. If she chose to believe what she had believed before it would be like embracing the madness, because that's what they thought. Even Adam...he wouldn't stay with a crazy person...
She shook her head as she stood up and headed to the house to pick up the keys to the car. No, she couldn't go back to being that person - when she had been at her lowest she had been on her own and God wouldn't have let that happen. If God existed she wouldn't have gone through that hell. If God existed, she wouldn't have been made to feel like she was crazy. As she walked in and picked up the keys she paused for a second to consider what she was doing. Was she going out to pick Adam up because of what some stupid vision said? Part of her wanted to put the keys down again but a stronger part demanded she went. It wasn't like she was doing what a hallucination said, she had thought of it herself, she reasoned, weakly.
"Yeah, right, Joan. Like you believe that," she muttered to herself as she went to find her mom to tell her where she was going.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The drive to the hotel should have taken twenty minutes - max. Her idea was to show up, drive Adam home and hope that maybe things wouldn't be as strained as usual and then get home quickly to give more substantial thought to her problems. It wasn't that she was dwelling, it was just...dealing with things meant she had to have time to think, and that usually came at night when the house was quiet. So that was the plan she had when she left the house and drove. What was not part of the plan was the engine to be making a weird hissing noise five minutes from the hotel.
She squinted as she pulled the car over to the sidewalk and stopped the engine, which was now spouting some weird combination of smoke and steam. She got out the car, slammed the door shut and walked to the hood.
"Okay, Joan - what do you do now?" She asked herself quietly as she looked at the car. She gave the wheel a kick as she looked pleadingly at the engine. "Okay, work! Stupid car..."
The car didn't respond as she kicked it again for good measure. She hated technology sometimes and it was made worse when she thought that somewhere, the little know-it-all who had sent her on the activity would be sitting laughing her head off. She shook her head - she couldn't stay there all night, she would just call her dad and get him to pick her and Adam up. She glared at the smoking engine as she walked to the door and tried to open it. As she pulled the handle again, and again, the door stayed closed. She looked through the window to see the car keys sitting on the seat beside her jacket and her bag that included her cell phone. She turned away from the car and shook her head.
"Perfect, just perfect! Could this night get any better? Oh wait, there's a bus maybe I'll run out in front of that and complete my humiliation. Stupid hallucination..." she muttered as she traipsed down the road towards the hotel that Adam was working in.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
She waited outside the hotel and shivered slightly in the cold as she cursed the stupid car, with it's stupid busted engine and the fact that she had left her jacket inside it. Whose bright idea had it been to come here? Ah right, the hallucination who thought it was God. "Jerk."
"Jane?"
She looked up at the sound of her name and felt herself smile somewhat involuntarily as she saw Adam at the door of the hotel. She raised her hand and gave a small wave as she jumped to her feet. "Hey."
He smiled as he reached over and kissed her cheek. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, prior to the engine blowing up, or imploding, or something that caused it to smoke, I was going to give you a ride home if you needed it - figured, maybe you'd be tired or something..." Joan started before shaking her head and looking at him. "I'd been thinking about you."
He gave her another smile as he reached down and took her hand. "Yeah?"
She nodded as she looked at their entwined hands - they just seemed to fit so well. She smiled as she replied. "Yeah..."
They walked along, the silence that came to typify them since she left hospital hanging in the air between them until she shivered again. He stopped and looked at her. "You cold?"
She nodded as she looked up the street at the car. "I had good intentions about you know, coming here, picking you up, we could talk or something and..." She kicked the ground with her foot as he watched her. "And I don't know, talk or something. Instead the stupid car breaks down and I locked myself out so - no car, no jacket, no bag, no cell-phone. Good intentions went up in smoke...along with the engine. My dad's going to be happy...there goes me getting my own car now."
"I'm sure it'll be easily fixed. It probably just got overheated or something and needs to cool down." He let go of her hand as he took his own jacket off and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Better?"
She nodded as he adjusted the zip on the hoody. His hands brushed the bare flesh of her collarbone as he pulled the zip up a bit and she felt something inside her start to hurt as she looked at him. He was right there yet it felt like there was so much between them and it was only occasionally that they could really see each other. She wasn't sure what happened. She opened her mouth to say something but as he looked up she felt the words catch in the back of her throat as she struggled to keep from crying. She wanted to tell him so much, tell him everything but she couldn't.
"Jane, are you okay?" he asked softly, concern etched in his face as he brought one hand up and gently brushed a loose strand of her hair away from the side of her face. "You know you can talk to me - about anything."
She nodded as she forced a smile onto her face. "Yeah, thanks. Um, walk me home?"
He looked at her before nodding his head. "Sure."
Silence again as they began walking. Every step echoed on the empty street as she pulled the hood up in the jacket. She looked down as they entered the park and sighed. Why was it so hard? She had an idea of course - if they didn't talk they didn't have to acknowledge what was wrong.
She kept walking when she felt Adam stop. She turned and looked at him as he held his hands out to the side. "We need to talk, don't you think?"
She looked at him, under the hood and nodded her head slowly. "I...I think I know what's wrong."
"You do?" he asked as he guided her over towards a bench.
She nodded her head. "I think that we need to spend more time together - we see each other so irregularly that maybe that's it. I...saw there was a film on at the Rialto...we could go see that."
"You hate the Rialto."
That was true but for some reason she thought that suggesting they went somewhere he liked would hide the problem. Like if he saw what a good girlfriend she could be now it would maybe distract him from how different she was. "It's not that bad..."
"No, you hate it," he said as he stood up. She heard him take a deep breath as he walked a few steps away before turning back towards her. "It is that bad for you - you like colour and you think it smells like an old folks home or something. You don't like it, why would you want to go there?"
"You like it. I thought you would want to go. Sheesh - try doing something considerate and get the third degree. I just thought you would like to go somewhere you like. Isn't that what you want?"
"No, I want you to stop thinking about what other people want and start acting like...like you! Not some...Stepford wife version of you."
She squinted. "Stepford wife? Like Nicole Kidman?"
He didn't answer as he looked at her, his eyes were wide and honest as he kept his voice quiet. "You were great the way you were. You were better than great. You don't need to change. That's what's wrong with you, with us - you're trying to be someone you're not. You're hiding from something or someone and you're trying so hard to behave in a certain way that you're drowning, Jane and it's killing me watching it happen. I see it, I see you and how unhappy you are and it is killing me because I don't know what I can do to help."
She felt her heart begin to pound. She hadn't wanted to address this. "I'm fine, I'm better than fine. This is me," she said as she shook her head, trying to sound convincing. "New and improved."
"No, it's not and I know you see it as well. I know you're unhappy," Adam said as he walked over to her. "I know you're scared and I know you're missing something. I want to help you, but I don't know what I can do, especially if you don't let me."
She felt her anger rise as she stood up. "I needed your help in the hospital - I didn't get it then. I don't need help now. This is me now, and I'm happy with it. If you don't like it then...then I guess we have a problem because I'm happy. HAPPY."
"No, you're not!" She looked at him as a realisation hit him and he took a step back. "Wait a minute. The hospital...is that what this is all about?"
She shook her head. She didn't want to go into this, especially with Adam. She couldn't lie to him because he saw through her and she knew he wouldn't let it go. "You know, I think we should head home, I need to get someone to fix the car."
"You think that will help? We need to work this out," he said gently. "Talk to me. Please don't lie to me and pretend that you're happy. Just...tell me what you're feeling."
"I wish I could," she whispered, avoiding his eyes. "I am trying so hard to be the person you all want. You think I like this person? Someone with a smile stuck on her face who is so 'normal' that I almost want to claw my own eyes out? Someone who is so superficial and fake that I feel like I should be called Barbie and be eight inches tall?" She took a deep breath as she continued. "Do you think I like what it has done to me? You think I like what it's done to us?" She felt her eyes fill with tears as she looked at him. "I miss us..."
"I miss us too," he whispered as he walked over to her and took her hands. She saw his eyes were wet with unshed tears as he spoke. "But I miss you more. I don't need you to be anyone else," he brought his hand up and tilted her chin up. "I need you to be the person you are and stop pretending. I don't care if that means other people think that you're a little weird, or flaky or crazy. I'll never, ever think that..."
She closed her eyes as he brushed her cheek - his voice soothing her as he spoke. He had always had a gentle voice and it was one of the things she loved about him because it made her feel safe. Secure. Important. It was an honest voice and she loved that because she knew he would never be able to lie to her. It was a voice that almost demanded you believed it, trusted it. But she couldn't. She opened her eyes and took a step away from him. "Why didn't you believe me, Adam?"
"What?"
"In the hospital! Why didn't you believe me when I needed you - I needed you and now, now it's ruined, everything is different."
He looked at her for a second before bringing a hand to his head and turning his back on her as he took a few steps away. She could tell he was trying to work out what to say, or think. Or maybe he was trying to work out a way to discreetly run away from the crazy girl standing in front of him.
"I never said I didn't believe you," he said, his back still turned to her. "I would never say I didn't believe you. I know why it must have seemed like that but...but you were sick. The doctor...she said you were hallucinating and that it could have happened for months. What was I supposed to say?"
"You were supposed to believe me," she whispered. "I told him you would believe me. I knew no one else would, but I thought...I thought you would."
He stopped walking and turned around again. "It wasn't happening because you were sick, was it?"
She shook her head before turning away. "It doesn't matter. I have to go home."
She began walking away, ignoring the way her heart was pounding as she left him standing there.
"Jane, wait!" She heard him call as he ran up behind her. "Wait. Just...wait, okay?"
"Why?"
"Because I'm asking you to? Please," he asked. "Please."
She took a deep breath and nodded her head slowly as he guided her over to the grass and sat down beside her. It was probably the least she could do, even though she just wanted to get home and crawl into bed to cry.
"Okay, okay...um, I don't know what to say. I mean, I do know what to say but it doesn't sound right..." he began as he looked down and tapped his knees nervously. She almost smiled - she had seen him look like that so many times and it didn't get any less endearing. If it wasn't for the situation they were in, she would have taken his hand or something, anything to make it easier on him. "Okay, in the hospital, when you were sick I was...pretty much terrified. Not scared, terrified because I didn't know what was wrong with you. So much went through my head...it was like, remember what I said to you in the hotel room? About things always getting in the way of what you hope for?"
Joan nodded her head. "I remember. I told you then it wasn't true..."
"You said it, but it was true, and you were sick in hospital and it proved it," Adam said, his voice quiet but pained. It broke her heart to hear him talk like that. "We didn't know what was wrong and then the doctor came out and said what it was and how you could have been sick...been sick for a long time and how you wouldn't be the same when you got better. I was glad you'd get better but I got scared then that you would change - people were talking about all the things the disease could do to you and I...I didn't know what to do. I just wanted you to get better, Jane. I just wanted you to be well again because I knew that once you were okay, we would work whatever out. If you changed, we'd work that out as long as you were well."
"I know that, Adam. And I got better," she began before he put his hand up to stop her.
"No, let me finish. I went into your room and I didn't know what to do to help and I saw you, and you...told me what you told me. You asked me to believe you - remember?"
"Yeah, kinda hard to forget," she said as she looked down. "Was probably one of the worst moments of my life to date."
"You remember what I said?"
She lifted her gaze to meet his. "You didn't believe me and said something about seeing crazy things and how it would all get better."
He shook his head. "I never said I didn't believe you. I said that I believed that you believed it. I knew you believed that you were seeing it and I believed you when you said it felt real. But I knew you were sick, I knew you were seeing hallucinations. If I had said to you then that I believed it was real it wouldn't have helped you because I thought they were caused by your illness. If you had woke up and the visions had gone, and I had agreed with you that they were real, you would either have had a harder time accepting they weren't real, or you would have thought I had lied to you. I would have been lying if I said they were real, and I don't want to lie to you. Ever."
She felt her eyes well up with tears as she shook her head. "You promised me. I trusted you, more than I have ever trusted anyone."
"I know. I know I let you down. I know I hurt you and I would give anything to take it back, anything to change what I said or did or anything. But I can't change what I did, no matter how much I want to. I thought they were because you were sick...but, they weren't...were they?"
She brought her hands up to her eyes and shook her head. "It doesn't matter anymore!"
"It matters to me. They were real, weren't they?" he asked as he reached over and touched her knee. She kept her face covered as she felt the tears stream down her cheeks. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know what he wanted to hear.
"Jane, tell me," he asked. "Trust me, please. Let me help."
The tears she hid behind her hands continued to fall as she felt a sob escape as she shook her head. Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to speak. "Yes...they're real."
She moved her hands to look at him. He took a deep breath as he looked at her, and then another as he nodded his head. His eyes were wide and he looked as though he was fighting back tears as he nodded his head again and readjusted the way he was sitting so that he was facing her. "Okay, tell...tell me about them."
"What? Why?" she asked. "Why does it even matter? I don't even know if God is real anymore. How messed up is that? I might just be insane and that's my symptom - seeing weird people who think they're God."
"You believed in God before you were sick," he said as he reached over and took her hands.
"Yeah, but people didn't think I was crazy then..."
He raised his eyebrow and she couldn't help but smile as she continued. "Okay, maybe they did think I was crazy then - I was a bit...flaky. Maybe a lot flaky..."
"Flaky is good, we like flaky..." he smiled, a reassuring smile.
She gave a small laugh as she wiped her eyes. "Flaky I can live with - it's the crazy thing I have a problem with."
"Okay, for a minute pretend that you're not crazy and it's maybe...real. What happens, how...you know, does it happen?"
She took a deep breath as she looked at their hands - they really did fit well together. "It's just...ordinary people. You know...like people you would see on the street, only these people know you. Like, everything about you - every embarrassing detail, but they also know about things about other people, stuff that I don't know. Like, something happened to my Mom and I didn't know about it, but he knew and my mom told me about it later and it was true. It's just these 'people' interact with other people as well - its not just me, because I did think I was maybe a bit...mad in the beginning but they are real. Or were real..." She rubbed her head as she tried to think. "I don't know...maybe I am mad."
He was quiet for a minute, but he never lessened his hold on her hand as he looked at her intently. After a minute he nodded his head and spoke again. "So...what does...God want? I mean...what stuff did he ask you to do?"
She rolled her eyes as she thought back at some of the ridiculous stuff she had done. "Pretty much all the weird stuff I've done in the past year? Down to him. From getting a job, to building a boat, to going to cheerleader tryouts, to taking piano lessons, to taking the make-up class, to joining AP Chemistry...all down to him. That's what's so confusing...it's like, I did all this stuff and it all worked out great, I mean what's the odds on that? I hated chemistry...actually, that shouldn't be a past tense there - I hate chemistry and wouldn't have went near it otherwise but I joined," she said as she felt herself smile. "I joined and right away I was sat beside you and Grace and look how that's turned out? Grace has hooked up with my brother and you and me...you and me...well, if I hadn't joined it might never have happened. And that...that would have been the worse thing. That's what makes it so hard - if it wasn't real, then how did it work out so well? If it wasn't real...we might never have met..."
She waited on his reaction - she was ready for him to tell her she was still sick or something. He took a deep breath as he looked up at the sky briefly before looking back at her. "Wow..."
"I don't want you to humour me - you know, placate the crazy girl or anything."
"No," he replied immediately. "No, I don't think your crazy. It's just...big, you know? Really, really big. Kinda clears some stuff up now that I think about it...it's just...big. So, is it the same...God type person every time? I mean, what does he look like?"
"It's not his real form...but because we understand that form that's what he takes. I don't really get it but he has a load of different looks. Like um, the French waiter outside your hotel, or...the little girl in the children's group when you and...Iris were leaving," she tried to disguise the trace of jealousy on her voice at the mention of her name. "Um...the Goth kid who hangs around the school but who never seems to go to classes? The guy I was dancing with at the party at my house. The guy who walks the dogs wearing the 'I love everybody' badge? All him."
"Wow. I've like talked to...all of them, yo. Well, apart from the guy you were dancing with...for obvious reasons," he muttered and she smiled in spite of herself as he failed to keep the jealous tinge out of his voice. It was, she had to admit, nice to know that it wasn't just her who got a bit jealous. "So they're...they're...God?"
"That's what I thought."
"Thought? So it's not happening anymore?"
She shook her head. "It is. I've just been ignoring them - until tonight. He asked me to pick you up...I don't know why I decided to listen to him again tonight. But look - we're talking and it's...working out again. Kinda..."
"So, this is what's happened, right? Why you've been acting so different? You've been ignoring him because you weren't sure if it was a side-effect of the Lyme disease?"
She nodded as she let him take her other hand. "I just...after I found out I was sick it just seemed too crazy. Before I knew I was sick it all made sense, then afterwards everything just got so cloudy. I wasn't sure if I could trust my own instincts and I couldn't talk about what I was feeling to anyone..."
He groaned as he brought his hands up to his face and fell backwards so he was lying on the grass. "And then you talked about it to me and I let you down and that caused this whole...issue. Right? I'm such an idiot!" Adam sat back up and took her hands again. "I'm sorry. I didn't know..."
She gave him a small smile as she shrugged her shoulders. "Lousy timing. I should have told you in the bookstore when I wanted to instead of waiting to the whole, sick in hospital with a disease that causes hallucinations. Not really a moment to be making big announcements in hindsight. It's just...it felt so much like I was on my own, like I was in some sort of bubble with a big neon sign above my head saying 'crazy'. It's a scary feeling and I thought...be 'normal', like other people and it would help. I mean I didn't think it would be that hard - just, ignore these people who thought they were God and then...get on with stuff normal people do. Play with my hair, and makeup, and heels that I can't walk in, and listen to Britney Spears and jump around like an idiot, and scream...you have no idea how hard it is to be 'normal.' And I think it was working - my mom and dad seemed to like it a bit more than when I was being so...flaky. But you...you saw right through it and I got scared then."
"Scared, why?"
"Because I knew you hated the new me as much as I did," she said, tears springing from her eyes again. "I knew if I said too much you would see that it wasn't real, and I knew you didn't want to be with some fake person but I was so...so scared to go back to normal in case...in case you thought I was crazy and I thought - why would you want to be with any of those people? So I just ignored everything and tried to be...perfect. The perfect girlfriend...which, incidentally, I sucked at anyway. I just...I knew that if we talked too much or saw each other too much that you would realise...and I was going to break it off first, so that you wouldn't see, but I couldn't because...I really, really love you, Adam. And I don't know if I ever even told you that - I told everyone else, but I don't know if I told you."
She felt the tears flood down her cheeks as she began to sob. Part of her felt so relieved, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders as she spoke. She almost wanted to freeze the moment because she didn't want to know what happened next in case it was bad. She didn't want to hear him if he said something wrong, if he said he couldn't deal with it.
"Jane...I already have the perfect girlfriend who I am crazy about," he said as he slid over close to her and tipped her chin up. He used his thumbs to wipe the tears away from her cheeks. "I love you because you're you. I don't need you to try and be perfect or anything. I love that we are different and that you do weird things and take risks and feel things. I love that we can talk, and laugh and argue. I love that I can trust you with anything - I just wish I had been able to do the same for you." He kept a hand on her face as he spoke, gently brushing his thumb against her cheek as he looked into her eyes. She felt safe as he spoke, as though time was standing still for them.
"Believe me," she whispered. "I would never lie to you, Adam. Please believe me..."
"Always," he said in reply. "I believe you. Completely."
"You don't think I'm crazy?"
"What, of course not," he shook his head as he gave her a smile. "Well, no more than I did before you got sick."
"Hey," she laughed as she playfully punched his arm. "Not nice making fun of me."
He laughed as he put his hand up to protect himself. "I mean it in a nice way!"
She felt her smile broaden as she looked at him, hair flopped in his eyes as he laughed and felt her heart pound - she had missed this. Feeling things, emotions, happiness, love, all of it. She had closed it all off recently and she'd missed it, but she never knew how much.
"Hey," he said as he brushed the hair out of his eyes. "That's the first time I've seen you smile in months. Suits you..."
Joan nodded as she looked at him. "First time I've felt like myself in months..."
"I'm glad you're back," he sighed as he bowed his head over towards hers. "I missed you, Jane."
She nodded as she brought a hand up to his cheek. "I missed you too..."
He looked at her for a second before leaning in slowly and kissing her. As their lips touched she felt her stomach do a somersault as she kissed him back. Every touch, every taste, every slow movement of his hand and mouth reawakened a part of her which had been sleeping since the day she'd went into hospital and she'd missed him. She brought her hand to his hair and pulled him closer to her as she savoured every second their lips touched. She could feel the pressure of his lips against hers, the way his tongue touched hers, the way his hands, slightly rough from his sculpting, gently traced shapes on her skin, the way his heart was pounding in time with hers, the way his breathing was shallow and rapid, like her own. Everything she had taken for granted when she kissed him, when she touched him, was so pronounced now. The texture of his hair, the touch of his skin, the way he looked, and smelt and touched...all of it engrossed her. She had always loved kissing him but it was different now that there was so much more between them. It felt like they were, if possible, even more connected.
As they pulled back, reluctantly, she took a deep breath and felt herself smile again as she looked at him, her tears completely dry. He smiled at her before exhaling deeply again. "Okay, we should um...maybe start walking, or...something. Don't you think? Outside, stars, you and the whole situation getting cleared up would possibly resort in things happening which would end with your dad killing me...dead."
She giggled as he jumped to his feet and offered her a hand up, which she took and allowed him to pull her to her feet and into a hug. "My dad likes you."
"Yeah?" He smiled as though he was quite proud of that fact.
"He thinks you're a nice guy who's good for me," she said. "I'm tempted to agree with him. I'm pretty lucky..."
He blushed as he looked down at his feet. "I wouldn't say that."
She took his arm and leant in towards him as she kissed his cheek. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Wakening me up," she sighed as he enclosed her hand in his and began leading her away. She smiled as she leant her head against his shoulder and silently offered a prayer of thanks towards the heavens. She wasn't sure if she was crazy, or not. She really didn't care anymore - things had worked themselves out again. Maybe there was no such thing as God, maybe this would all end one day and she'd find out that she really was mad. All she knew was that here, now - she was happy, at last. Two months of hell were over and she was out the other side, out of the dark end of the spectrum and into the light. She really didn't care about the ins and outs, all she cared about was that it was over and she was herself again and she would never be able to thank them enough for helping her get to this point, for making her pick her boyfriend up from work. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, Joan," a voice from a man lying on the bench said as they walked past.
Adam looked down at her as she laughed. "Do you know...? Oh wait, that was...?"
She nodded and gave his arm a squeeze as he turned around and stared at the bench in wonder. "Don't worry - you get used to it. Eventually..."
Fini