Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Bones, Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation. No profit is made from this story.
Warning: This story is complete and utter crack. It also contains adult language and curse words.
Too Many Sins Spoil the Plot
A Fullmetal Alchemist Cracktastic Story
by Anne Packrat
With a gasp, the man woke, sat up and took a bleary look around him all in one motion. Through sleep-fogged eyes he took in the cot he was lying on and the dingy carpet beyond.
"Oy, he's up!"
The man blinked away sleep and finally was able to make out two figures sitting at a table nearby. One figure was short and pudgy, the other taller and lean. The lean man stood and approached the bed. "Hey, how you feeling?"
The man opened his mouth to reply, but the only thing that came out was a wheezing rattle.
The taller figure paused and then snapped his fingers. "RIght, right," He turned toward the smaller man. "Whizzer, the stones."
The shorter man,(who was apparently named Whizzer) quickly stood and went to the cupboard behind him. He grabbed a bowl and a box marked "Philosophos." Turning to his left he pulled a bottle of milk out out of the ice box. He poured a measure of food into the bowl, drowned it in milk, and topped it off by sliding a spoon into the mixture. A few steps and Whizzer handed the bowl over to his companion. "Ere, ya go, Jay."
Jay shoved the bowl into the man's hands. "You newbies are always hungry at first."
Indeed, the man was hungry, but he wasn't sure if the stuff in the bowl was edible. It looked like nothing more than a pile of shiny red rocks. Even with milk mixed in the whole thing didn't look fit for human consumption. He looked up at two other men in confusion.
"Go on then," Whizzer said, miming moving a spoon from an imaginary bowl to his mouth. "Eat up."
Frowning the man took a tentative spoonful. The things in the bowl certainly seemed like rocks on his tongue at first, but soon he found they melted and slid down his throat. Unable to resist his hunger, the man wolfed down the whole bowl. Swallowing the last spoonful, he held his bowl out to Jay. "M-more....?" he said in a hoarse voice.
Jay smiled and handed the bowl to Whizzer, who quickly filled it and handed it back to the man. He ate more slowly this time, taking the time to study his companions. Both were dressed in black clothes, with strange red striping running up and down their body. Whizzer had close-cut brown hair, while Jay had slicked back black hair. There was also an unusual tattoo on Jay's cheek, that of a snake swallowing his own tail.
Looking down at the bowl in his lap, the man noted with surprise that he had a similar tattoo on his forearm, and he was also dressed in black clothes with red striping.
He swallowed a final mouthful, and set aside the bowl. "W-where am I?" he asked, his voice unsteady at first, but quickly gaining strength, "Who am I?" He remembered how easily he'd just swallowed two bowls of rocks, "What am I?"
Jay pulled his chair closer to the cot. "Where you are is easy," he inclined his head at Whizzer who was washing the bowl, "You're in Whizzer's apartment. As for what you are, well, you're the same as Whizzer and I. All three of us are homunculi."
Faint memory stirred in the man's mind, and his face scrunched up in concentration. "I-I don't think that's right..." he said, "I'm pretty sure I prefer women."
This declaration was met by a groan from Jay, and a snort from Whizzer. Jay glared at the man, "Homunculi? You know, fake humans created by alchemists performing human transmutation?" At the man's blank stare, Jay sighed. "Look you know alchemy right? Equivalent Exchange and all that crap?"
Memory stirred again, and slowly the man nodded.
"Well, there are things alchemists aren't supposed to do, and human transmutation, i.e. bringing back the dead is one of them."
The man's eyes widened. "Alchemists can bring back the dead?"
Sighing again, Jay rubbed at his temple. Had he been this stupid right after being born? "No, no they can't. Oh they try, but what they get instead is the loss of a body part, and a human-shaped construct called a homunculi. In other words one of us."
"I'm a result of a failed transmutation?" the man asked carefully. Jay nodded and the man continued, "But if I'm not human what am I?"
"Look, I told you, you're a homunculi, a personification of a crime against God," Jay said, frustration shining through in his tone.
The man shook his head, "I don't really get it."
"Let me try, gov," Whizzer said, trading places with Jay. "Look, you get we ain't human right?" The man nodded. "And we're born as a result of an alchemist fucking up, right?" Another nod. "Well, since we're born out of an alchemist's sin, we're kind of driven by sin, so we're named after sins too. Okay?"
"I... guess," the man said slowly.
"So the big boss lady, she's called Dante, right?" Whizzer continued, "No one wants us around, so she kind of takes us in and takes care of us. So Dante's at the top of our little club, the queen of it if ya will, and then below that you got the original homunculi named after the Seven Sins, Greed, Envy and so on. You wi' me so far?"
The man frowned but nodded, "I think so."
"Right," Whizzer said, "Then after the Big Seven Sin names got taken, there was nothing to call the homunculi that came after right? So Dante, she decides to call them after major crimes, like Rape, Treason, Murder, etc. It ain't quite the same, but it continues the trend, yah?"
"That makes sense." the man replied.
"So homunculi kept showing up at Dante's door, and she decided to keep naming 'em after crimes. But the problem was, they just kept coming, and eventually y'all run out of real crimes. Then ya end up with guys like Jay and me here." Grimacing, Whizzer stood, and gestured to Jay. "Oy, you take over, I gotta 'transmute some red water' if you catch my drift." The small homunculus stood and walked past the bathroom, and out the door.
Jay sat down and opened his mouth to continue, but closed it when he noticed his audience's attention was elsewhere. He followed the man's gaze out the window. Whizzer's portly frame took up most of the window, and he appeared to be leaning against the wall.
"What the hell is he doing?" the man asked.
Jay shrugged. "He's pissing."
The man looked back toward Jay, "But, but why is he doing it outside?"
Jay rolled his eyes. "Not like he has a choice."
"Of course he has a choice!" the man said thrusting a finger at the bathroom, "He walked right past the toilet!"
Sighing Jay pushed the man's arm down. "No, Whizzer doesn't have a choice. I told you we're the personification of whatever sin we're named for, that it's the driving force behind our existence. Whizzer's just his nickname. His official homunculi name is 'Urinating in Public'."
"So he can only go outside?" the man exclaimed, "That's... that's just silly!"
Jay shook his head sadly, "Yeah, I know. It's stupid that Whizzer can't use a bathroom and that I can't ever cross a damn road at a corner."
The man stared at Jay in surprise, "Wait, so Jay is short for..."
"Jaywalking, yeah," he answered. "There have been so many homunculi created in the last few years that now they're really scrambling for names."
The man turned again to the window, where Whizzer was pulling up his pants. His gaze went back to Jay. "If it's such a big forbidden deal, then why the hell are there so many homunculi being made?"
"Ah," Jay said, "Well that's the fault of one Ed Elric, better known as the Fullmetal Alchemist."
More memory stirred, and the man's brow crinkled in thought, "Isn't he that short kid who became a State Alchemist at 12?"
"Yah," Whizzer said from the door, "E's called Fullmetal cause a that metal arm and leg e's got. The boy and his brother tried human transmutation and the kid ended up losing his arm and leg during the process."
"But, that would only result in one homunculus wouldn't it?" the man asked puzzled.
"Yah, they created Sloth with it," Whizzer answered, nodding. "But th' real problem is that Fullmetal got popular. Reeeeeeeal popular."
"So people ended up loving him so much they started emulating him," Jay continued, "Forbidden Alchemy became the 'in' thing to do. Hell people even started holding goddamn Human Transmutation parties!"
Whizzer snorted, "Th' automail industry lobbyists didn' help none either. Them damn mechanics are making money hand over fist righ' now. They even ran ads, "Lost a limb bringing back the dead? We'll help, even if you need a metal head!"
"Soooo," Jay said, "The upshot of this is that us johnny-come-lately homunculi get stuck being named after misdemeanors."
The man was silent for a few minutes trying to process everything he'd been told. Eventually he asked, "Er, so what is my name?"
Jay snapped his fingers. "Right! Forgot that. Tell me, what do you really feel like doing right now?"
The man frowned and concentrated, "I.... I really want to get go onto someone else's property..."
"Right," Whizzer asked, "And what do you want to do there? You want to steal stuff or hurt someone like?"
The man shook his head, "No, I just kind of want to go there and wander around."
Jay and Whizzer exchanged knowing looks, "Trespassing!" they cried in unison.
And so another great and terrible homunculus was added to Dante's infernal army.
Author's Indulgence
This is my entry for the Week 5 Entry of the fma_fic_challenge "Sin." It is not serious, it's complete and utter crack.
Thanks to the cast and crew of Fullmetal Alchemist.
Thanks to my husband Ryan.
Thanks to those who read and review. Thanks!
And thanks to you for reading!
=== Anne Packrat (March 19, 2009)