Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters (unfortunately) as they are all owned by Shed Productions
So I had a little mental block with MTWR and decided to write this little beast, and the more I have written the more it is growing on me, I've had the idea for a while now but never had the courage to do it, I will be carrying on with both these stories and hopefully get out of my rut. Please tell me what you think of this one because I wasn't too sure at first. It would be very much appreciated.
Tillyxxx
The blade glistened in her hand and seemed inviting and tormenting daring the young girl to use it. She held it for ten minutes just staring at the beautiful metal thinking blankly. Every time she tried to think of something nothing came to her it was clouded, fuzzy in her haze she tried to feel which was worse. A lot worse. She was numb. She glided her finger across the flat palette feeling its coldness beneath her fingertip. She looked at it and seeing no blood she smiled slightly. The girl rolled the sleeve up on her arm and took a deep breath as she placed the blade by her skin. She paused before lifting it off again and resting her head in her other hand as she began to sob. This time she would do it. It had been calling to her for two weeks now and every time she had pushed the idea away. This was stupid, she thought to herself why couldn't she do it. She was weak, that's why she couldn't save her mother. Her own mother and she couldn't save her. She was pathetic no wonder her mummy had left her alone. She grabbed hold of the knife this time properly and dragged it up her arm again and again. Before moving it slightly and doing it again. She dropped the instrument to the floor and watched in awe as the slight red ribbons appeared, they weren't gushing with blood like she had expected but it was pleasant in the way her wrist burned and stung. She smiled to herself in satisfaction for the first time in a long while she felt at peace, the pain made her feel and it felt good to be able to. She cleaned her fresh wounds wincing lightly as the antiseptic wipe stung her again before lightly and carefully wrapping it up protectively. She wiped the blade down before returning it to its stand in the kitchen. The young girl gave a small sigh before looking down at her wrist and then at the stand before walking back to her bedroom.
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Helen sat alone now in her London flat on the sofa staring blankly at the wall ahead of her. Tear tracks streamed down her cheeks silently as she thought about her dilemma with Nikki and how their relationship was sure to be over. She honestly didn't feel anything for Dominic Mcallister he was just a friend but she had led him on even flirting with him a little to make herself feel better. If only Di Barker and the other prison officers didn't stir gossip then there would have been no reason for Nikki to get jealous. She should have known this was coming Helen thought to herself fiercely you were happy it was only going to be a matter of time before it came crashing down around you. She lifted her hands to her eyes pushing the hard base of her palm into her eyes as she screamed at herself internally a string of insults and names attacking her and making her feel sick. Stupid whore, bitch, Slut, Useless brat, Two faced Tart, Scottish Cow, Useless Brat, prick teaser, Two faced tart, Useless brat. Two faced tart. TWO FACED TART. They were all the voices, the names she had been called from the people in her life Fenner, children at her school, ex-boyfriends, her father and Nikki.
It was Nikki's words that forced their way to the front of her mind clawing at her emotions. She wanted to make her stop yet she needed to her the voice that had begun to trouble her over the past few months. She slowly lifted her face and blinked open her eyes before wiping the tears roughly from her flushed cheeks. She thought back to the past few months were her relationship with Nikki though still kept a secret due to their positions in the prison environment it had been flourishing. Every moment they stole together whether it was in the library or the art room or even Nikki's cell was pure heaven and Helen though she would never admit it to Nikki was beginning to crave those times they were alone. Yet Helen was throwing it all away due to her ridiculous principles which she had to abide by otherwise she was nothing. The small Scot laughed sardonically into the dead air around her the noise sounding detached in her ears and broken much like her heart at the moment. Her arms wrapped around herself squeezing tightly trying to offer herself comfort.
She thought back to her childhood something she didn't allow herself to do usually. All the pain of remembering her mother when she was happy and healthy, she remembered back to when she was six years old and she was playing in the local park and she fell off one of the swings and grazed her knee. It was one of the rear times her father had accompanied them on one of their days out and Helen decided that she would show off by going the highest but when she fell, he tutted at her and told her to stop being a silly girl. So she pulled down her dress and smoothed it out before going over to the round about to sulk, she remembered her mother talking to her father quite sternly before cautiously coming towards the sulking child. Helen remembered sitting against the middle iron bar, her knees tucked under her chin and her dirty hands gently stroking her knees to see if they hurt. Her mother sat beside her and ducked her head under the iron bars towards her daughter.
"That was quite a nasty fall you had there, darling, but you were brave weren't you for not crying." Her mother said patiently waiting for her to reply. Helen had lifted her head hiding her face with her hair she nodded.
"I think that daddy would have cried if he did that." She tried again.
"Why doesn't daddy love me?" The smaller child asked finally lifting her eyes to meet her mothers.
"Oh Helen Stewart! Stop playing the martyr your daddy does love you! He always cuddles you and gives you kisses and reads you bed time stories." Her mother chided, the younger Helen had the good grace to blush and look away.
"But he told me that I was being a silly girl and he didn't give me a hug." She frowned.
"That's because you're growing up to a big girl and big girls aren't silly. Did you want a hug Helen?" She asked trying to hide her smile knowing what her child truly wanted.
"No mummy because I'm a big girl. Big girls don't need hugs from their mummies," She said as she crawled out from under the bars of the roundabout. Her mother stood up too only taking two steps before she took a hold of her daughter's hand and spinning her around. She bent down to the child's level and looked her in the eyes. Her own were sparkling unshed tears glistening in their depths.
"Ah my wee Helen, you are wrong. All girls need hugs from their mummy's especially big ones." Then she pulled the child into a strong hug to hide from the little girl the fact that a tear had escaped and was rolling down her cheek before she released the girl and let her run into the arms of her daddy who picked her up and spun her around.
Now Helen was much older she understood that this must have been around the time that her mother had been diagnosed with cancer as her father hardly had time for her before and especially after her mother had died. Another large tear rolled down her cheek she stood slowly and walked over towards a small table in the corner of the room, she bent down to her knees and tugged on the stiff draw till it began to open she placed her hand inside and closed her eyes as she felt around once she felt the familiar metal in her hands she pulled her hand out. Curled up in the palm of her hand was a pair of scissors. Helen scowled at the object in her hand to which she had become quite dependant on in her life she shuffled back over to the sofa and pulled her knees up to her chest then rested her left arm on her knee before rolling up the sleeve. Before she began dragging the blunt blade across her skin she allowed herself to remember another childhood memory. Her mother was bundled in bed sheets and duvets covers, far too many but Joseph Stewart insisted that she should be warm and comfortable. He had popped out into the kitchen to make them some toast for a small supper, in reality he knew what was happening and allowed his daughter some final moments with her mother, Helen's mother had patted the mattress beside her. The nine year old had happily jumped up as when her father was in the room she had to sit in one of the two wooden chairs in the room so that her mother could rest properly and so that she didn't bother her. She snuck under the cover and wiggled her toes in the warmth there whilst crushing her small body up to her mother's side.
"Now my wee Helen I'm going to tell you a story and it is very important that you remember all of it." The tired looking woman began as she wrapped her arm around the young girl and kissed her forehead. Helen remembered how different her mother was at this time, she was bed ridden, thin and frail. Her face looked quite gaunt and she was often crying to herself or Joseph in pain but whenever Helen looked into her eyes she remembered the twinkle that lay there. The nine year old looked up at her with wide eyes and nodded solemnly. She went to open her mouth but her mother stopped her.
"Once upon a time there was a little girl and she was beautiful the most beautiful little girl in the world. She had mummy and a daddy who loved her very much but one day her mummy went walking in the forest when she came across a nasty witch and she put a spell on the little girl's mummy making her very poorly and she was in a lot of pain all the time. The little girl's daddy and the little girl were very good to their mummy always helping her and trying to make her feel better but they knew that she was hurting a lot. One night when the mummy was in bed she woke and saw an angel stood at the bottom of her bed. She gasped in shock.
"Oh angel what are you doing here?" She asked and the angel replied.
"I am here because it is your time to be free and stop hurting. It is your turn to collect your wings and become an angel." The angel held out his hands towards the mother and helped her stand before kissing her on the forehead.
"Must I go angel? I do not want to leave my husband and my little girl." The mummy cried but the angel shook his head sadly.
"You have to come with me to peace, you will always be able to love your family and you will be able to watch them from heaven." He said to her as he held onto her hand.
"Please angel, can I say goodbye?" She asked and the angel nodded.
Then mummy drifted over to her husband and bent down to kiss his lips.
"I love you with all of my heart and I always shall as you are my soul mate. You are my strong and shining knight and you are my prince charming but I shall not leave you as I promise we will meet again my love." Helens mother looked over towards the open bedroom door as she spoke to her husband, her eyes glistening as a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She cleared her croaky throat a little before carrying on with the story as she stroked Helen's soft hair.
"Then mummy came into her daughter's bedroom and pulled up the covers up to the little girls neck so she could stay warm and mummy kissed her cheek. "I love you with all my heart and I always shall as you are my beautiful little girl who I adore. You will become one fine wee lass when you are older and I am sure you will find your perfect partner who will love, cherish and protect you always but until those days I will be watching over you darling and I will guide you. You are so loved and I am so sorry for having to leave you and I promise every night I will come down from heaven and kiss you goodnight in your sleep." Then her mummy said to both daddy and the little girl that they must look after each other in the hard times to come and they must remember that she loved them both before the angel took her hand and took her to heaven and when the morning came the little girl and daddy cried that they wouldn't be able to see mummy in a while but they knew she was safe, they knew she was watching over them and they knew she loved them." Helen's mother managed to choke out at the end as she clung on to her daughter.
"I love you." She whispered into Helen's hair as a thick drowsy state began to claim her but she tried to fight it.
Helen looked up to her mother and traced the lines around her tired looking eyes with her small fingers. "I love you too and you look very pretty mummy even though you are sleepy and poorly" She said seriously before giving her mother a sloppy kiss on the cheek. As Joseph stepped into the room and headed towards the bed Helen chewed her lip and began to climb out of the big bed. Afraid she might get told off.
"Not this time eh lass" He said not daring to look at his daughter, the tears where threatening to fall and his voice were gruff. Helen remained curled to her mother's side.
"Mummy was that story about you?" Helen asked as her mother began to close her eyes, her father stiffened at the bedside.
"Aye Helen and it is true, you always have been a bright girl. Just remember that I will always be here," Her mother gestured to her heart before looking in Joseph's direction. "I love you. Please look after her. I'll be waiting for you sweetheart." She slurred as her overwhelming tiredness took over her frail body and her last breath left her lips. Helen remembered her father collapsing onto her mother's lifeless body and sobbing hard while she cried for her mummy to come back.
Helen opened her eyes in the dark room and looked at her right hand. Its grip around the scissors were so tight that it left her knuckles white, she tried to relax them as the silent sobs racked her entire body. As she dropped the scissors in her hand she pushed her head back against the sofa as she thought of what Nikki had told her one time she was down the block "I want to make love to you all night long," Her voice rang through her head torturing her as she knew that it wouldn't be happen in a while.
"I'm so fucked up," She moaned to herself when she heard the shrill ring of the doorbell break her thoughts. As she stood she wondered who it could possibly be at this time and she grimaced in the darkness. She hurried through to the downstairs toilet quickly splashing her face so that she looked a little refreshed and tried to smooth down her hair before heading for the front door. Clearly the person at the door was impatient as they kept the ringing the bell, she was getting ready to give that person what for, when Helen yanked open the door and was rendered speechless at the sight before her. She stared for a brief moment before her voice managed to kick in.
"Nikki, what the Fu-"
"I've got to talk to you," The con said seriously, her dark brown eyes full of apology and a little scared of the reaction she might receive. Helen's shoulder's relaxed a little as she looked at the woman before her before reality hit her and she knew she wasn't dreaming.
"No, no, no" Helen panicked closing the door and heading for the kitchen she grabbed a glass and the bottle of vodka on the side. She three glasses down her throat as she heard Nikki shouting and banging on the door. She glanced at the phone in the corner.
After twenty minutes Helen became aware of the trouble that she was now in, if the neighbours called the police, if she called the police, if any of the PO's realised that Nikki was not in her cell. Her head hurt and it wasn't going to go away any time soon she suspected. So Helen went to let Nikki in not bothering to talk to her only leading her into the room before turning on her.
"Nikki, I am an employee of the home office do you have any idea?" Helen angrily said to her as she firmed her jaw.
"Don't worry; I'm not going to get caught." Nikki's voice was soft considering that usually she would have argued back.
"You are completely mad!" Helen was exasperated with the woman in front of her. How could Nikki possible think that everything was going to be fine?
Nikki stepped towards her, her arms outstretched towards Helen willing her to accept the offer.
"I love you, when I thought I'd pissed you off I didn't know how I could live," She said her face within a couple of inches of Helen's, her hands rubbing over her shoulders. Helen struggled to keep control; she let out short breaths as she tried to resist being drawn in to Nikki. "And then I got this chance and I just want to make the most of it. We've got a whole night together."
"No Nikki, this is not the way," Helen turned away trying to push Nikki away but she kept a hold of her. Nikki looked towards the floor before looking into Helen's eyes.
"Tell me that you love me," She pleaded softly.
"Oh Nicola," Helen couldn't resist her anymore she caved in to the beautiful woman before her. As Nikki kissed her lips Helen visibly relaxed, she couldn't help but feel safe. She accepted the kiss and kissed Nikki back before Nikki pulled away to kiss her nose. Helen pulled her back in for a deep kiss; she needed the comfort and the support Nikki gave to her. She surprised herself though when she found that she was undressing Nikki quite quickly and before she knew it she was kissing her lover's bare shoulders. Nikki's left hand was getting tangled in her soft hair and wrapping around her shoulders whilst the other stayed firmly on Helen's hip. When she pulled back a little to undo the zip of Helen's blue jacket Nikki placed the tip of her thumb against Helens bare skin and as it ran down the zip it caused Helen to shiver. Helen shrugged her shoulders helping Nikki to get her out of the top once out Helen pushed Nikki back so that her knees hit the back of the sofa and she fell down onto it, she tossed the disregarded clothing to the floor. Helen sat astride her waist never leaving contact. Things were beginning to get very heated as Helen's need for Nikki increased she put Nikki's hands to her breasts silently encouraging Nikki. Helen leaned down again to kiss Nikki passionately as the dark haired woman's hands ran across the Scot's bare back.
"Oh God," Helen moaned as she felt the dampness between her legs thicken. Helen took it upon herself to take off her bra and as she did Nikki's eyes widened at the other woman's beauty, Helen smiled at her, her lips full and slightly bruised from their kissing, her skin glowing in the dim light and her eyes shining with both love and lust.
"Come on sweetheart, I'm not making love to you on my sofa. Not yet anyway." Helen's voice was husky as she pulled Nikki to her feet and led her to the bedroom.
"Trousers, off" Helen instructed as she stepped back against the door. As Nikki began to follow the orders Helen copied her every move. Nikki stood there staring at Helen in awe she couldn't believe this was actually happening in all of her wildest dreams. She took Helen into her arms and just held her for a moment, Helen's hands found Nikki's hair and she gently stroked it as she kissed her shoulder and neck lightly. It was a comforting gesture that Nikki appreciated after the whirlwind of emotions she was being taken through this night. A short while later Nikki tugged Helen towards the bed where they both fell onto the covers, they simply laid there staring into the other's eyes whilst gently touching and stroking the others soft skin. Nikki began with a kiss on Helens lips and then kissed both of heer eyes before starting a light path down her neck and across her collar bone she stopped a moment as she looked at the small pale scar that laid there before kissing it lightly. She carried on across Helen's shoulder's wanting to kiss every inch of the perfect woman before her, as she left light kisses on her arms she stopped again as she noticed more scars, she noticed they couldn't have been too deep and there were only six of them but she looked up to Helen's eyes whose were closed shut. Helen flinched a tiny bit when she had realised Nikki stopped and peeked open to see Nikki looking at her before kissing each light scar delicately never once giving away eye contact. After kissing each fingertip she kissed Helen's chest, her breasts, and her tummy and began kissing her legs, all the way down to her toes. She paid extra attention to the other small scars that were just visible on her hip, and the tops of her thigh and ankle. Before Nikki rolled Helen over onto her back and as her hand glided down her tummy leaving little goose bumps on the way she soon reached her destination, playing in the thatch of hair she found there Helen pulled Nikki's lips towards her own meeting her with a rich passionate kiss as she did this Helen moaned loudly into Nikki's mouth who entered her with two fingers. Slowly Nikki pumped in out of Helen never losing eye contact which turned Helen on even more. Helen bit on her lip as she felt her climax beginning to build inside her and Nikki curled her fingers.
"I love you," Nikki whispered into Helens ear as her climax overtook her twice she was left breathing heavily on Nikki who swept away a piece of sweat drenched hair from Helen's face. Helen squeezed Nikki making sure that she wouldn't leave her. After Helen had recovered slightly she turned on Nikki promising to prove to her how much she loved her by pleasuring her and though it was Helens first lesbian sexual experience she brought Nikki over the edge a couple of times before holding Nikki in her arms and kissing her delicately.
"I love you Nikki," She whispered into her ear whilst she kissed her cheek. "I love you."