Hey, I haven't been writing around here in a while. I promise I'll update A Holiday in Montana soon. Life's just a bit hard right now. Okay so this piece is half post Personal Foul half me getting some stuff out. Right now is just being really tough with different things and life just seems to be falling apart from under me. This is me getting it out.
It's a bit choppy towards the end, I made it like that on purpose. It's also not as good right at the end. Thats because at the top I was writing what is in my heart and head and as I reached the end it drifts more off into a fantasy land.
Dedicated to Bec0512 for being and awesome friend over the past month or so. Thanks.
She walked through the big city, rain falling harshly all around. She was soaked to the skin, her trench coat doing nothing to stop the water invading her body. Events of the past 6 months were running through her head in a vicious cycle. Danny getting hurt in the drug bust, her mother's death, her father's regained alcoholism, her brother's betrayal, Danny's grief from Ruben, Danny distancing himself, Danny pushing her a way. Knowing her best friend from Montana was having definite problems and not being able to help her, knowing she might kill herself any day, Danny again, her mother, her brother, Danny, her father, her friend, Danny. It played over and over, each time in a different order but the same old tune. Every time a thought of her friend or her mother past she felt overwhelmed with sorrow, her father and brother's images brought on pain and fear, and then there was Danny. Danny brought on a whole surge of emotions, but rising to the top were guilt, anger, regret and love. She was angry because of what he'd done that had hurt her. Pushing her away, looking to someone else, yes, she knew he had cheated. Guilt because she felt as though she had done nothing to stop his down spiral, nothing to comfort him, nothing to help lift he burden. Regret burned in her heart for letting him push her away, for not knowing the right things to say and do to cure his grieving soul. She felt she had not done right by him. But above every other emotion Danny stirred inside her, love dominated.
Just as her mind was about to repeat the brutal images and thoughts, her phone rang. Danny. She debated for a moment on whether to pick up. There was no harm in it she decided, nothing could be worse then the torture of her mind at that moment.
"Hey." Lindsay greeted solemnly
"Hey, where are you?" Danny's voice crackled down the line.
"I'm taking a rain work. It's a Montana thing, you wouldn't understand." She didn't understand either actually, this walk was suppose to make her feel better, instead she just felt worse.
"Yeah, maybe I would. Maybe there's a lot of things that…that I understand now. How about that?" Danny sounded sad, almost broken.
"Yeah, like what?" Lindsay asked, relishing this moment, just talking for a moment, slightly reconnecting.
"Like how sorry I am for pushing you away." Lindsay felt an icicle stab through her heart.
"Danny, I tried to give you your space," She began to explain. "but I don't know how much longer I can feel alone. It's messing with my work. It's breaking my heart." Lindsay confessed. He voiced cracked on the last word, knowing a big part of the reason she was enduring the torment of her mind was because Danny wasn't by her side to make it all go away.
"I know, no; I know, I do. I swear to God it won't happen again, cause the truth is …the truth is I miss you. I miss you more than I can say even if, uh, I don't know how to say it." Danny confessed down the line.
"Do you know how hard you are to love?"
"Why don't you come over here and tell me in person? Please?" Danny begged.
Lindsay thought about the consequences, she couldn't just say no. He was hard to love, but he was harder not too, harder to turn him down outright.
"I gotta go…" She said in a melancholy voice, hanging up.
Lindsay arrived home to an empty apartment yet again. The thoughts still plaguing her mind, she decided that a hot bath and some music might help. She ran the bath, undressed and climbed in, not bothering to check the temperature first. It was hot enough to make her skin turn red, but that was exactly what she needed. As she emerged her body in the tub she prayed the heat might drive the imperfections of her life away. With music playing in the background, Lindsay leaned back in the tub. The minutes ticked by and still her mind hadn't settled.
Tying her hair up in a loose bun and rolling onto her stomach, Lindsay immersed her face and head into the water, only coming up to breathe when it was absolutely necessary.
x-o-x
Danny sat at his kitchen table, holding the bowl of sugar and Ruben's photo from the funeral. He placed them down and stood up, going for the phone again. He tried her mobile, but found no answer. When he called her landline, he was sent to voice mail.
"Hey Linds, you're not answering. Look I…I know what I've done but…I need to see you…need to apologize…need to…need you. Call me if you get this before I see you. I'm coming over. See you soon." 'Click.'
x-o-x
Lindsay heard neither her cell, nor her landline. She just kept her head under the water. It seemed as though while she was done there, the whole world faded away. Nothing was complicated, there was no pain in her life anymore, just the blissful water that surrounded her. Even as the water went cold she didn't care, she just enjoyed getting away from her cruel mind.
x-o-x
Danny knocked but received no answer, looking at the door mat at his feet, he saw muddy foot-prints, still wet. She was home. Listening closer at the door he heard music playing in one of the back rooms. Panic started to rise within him. It wasn't like Lindsay to not answer her phone or her door, even in times of distress, just incase it was a family member from Montana. Grabbing out the key she had granted to him on their 6 month anniversary he opened the door.
x-o-x
Lindsay didn't hear the knock or the door opening when she came up for air for what seemed like the billionth time. Taking a deep breathe, she plunged into the water again, drowning out her mind's opinion.
x-o-x
Danny stumbled through the door and quickly determined where the music was coming from. The bathroom. He walked in there at a fast pace but what asualted his eyes was something horrific. A lifeless Lindsay, face down in the tub. He reached in, in dread, the cold water soaking through his shirt sleves. He wrapped his arms around her torso and lifted her out quickly.
x-o-x
She was enjoying her little haven when suddenly, she felt two strong arms go around her stomach and lift her out, she was about to panic and pull them off when she realized who they belonged to. Still her head bolted up to face his, the fear on his face spoke to her more then his words ever would.
She looked up at him and relief flooded over him. Pulling her up against his chest he rocked her back and forth, tears streaming down his face. After a few minutes he reached for a towel and cover her, and carried her out of the room and too her bed.
"Lindsay..you…oh my god Lindsay, please never…never do that again…" Lindsay looked up at him. He was calming down. His eyes told her he hadn't slept in days.
"I'm sorry." She whispered as he walked towards the draw that held her pajamas. Handing them to her he walked out of the room.
"I'm just out here Linds," He said heading for the lounge.
Lindsay got changed and followed him out she got to the couch before she broke down in tears. He caught her and cradled her as she told him of her family and friends, how she was feeling, the guilt that had built up inside her, the pain he caused her. All the while he rocked her, kissing her forehead and whispering sweet words of comfort in her ear.
There was a lot that needed to be fixed, a lot that needed to be said and a lot that needed to be done but it could wait. Not tonight, tonight he was going to hold her while she wept, supporting her weight and baggage. And without her knowing it, she was supporting his as well.
Thanks for reading, review if you like. Abs.