"Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby."
Langston Hughes
Heavy rain drops splattered across my window pane in an unsettling rhythm. That night, I couldn't even find solace in the March rainstorms I would wait months for; I was so close to being finally broken that I ached for it. I could feel I was bending in on myself, digging into me where I was starting to splinter.
I hugged my knees to my chest. Maybe I would just disappear if I wished hard enough.
It was too cold there in that apartment next to the window oozing in the almost, but not quite, nighttime spring chill. I wanted to press my palm to the glass, but my insides were in such disarray I was afraid mere contact would be enough for it to shatter.
I couldn't take much more of this- it was my third serious break-up in the last year. I wanted to cry. I felt like I swallowed something dry and raspy that I just couldn't get down. Fighting the dull pressure behind my eyes was wearing me out, but I refused to give in. I vowed I wasn't going to cry for any boy again until I felt in my heart and soul down to the marrow in my bones that he was The One- The One who would make it stop hurting and everything okay for once. He'd have to be good at solving puzzles and gluing all the pieces together when they finished.
"Here, Temari," Shikamaru handed me a mug of coffee- black and bitter, just how he knew I liked it.
Shikamaru. My pillar of support, my knight in shining armor, my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, and everything I'd ever need. Whenever I felt alone he was there with his familiar presence I could trace back, not quite as far back as I could remember, but definitely as far back as it mattered. I don't know what I would have done if he didn't share this trashy, little apartment with me.
I took the mug from him, not saying a word. I didn't trust my voice right now. I was sure it would crack and break in so many directions I wouldn't have been able to keep track of it.
"Maybe it was for the best. I mean, you know I always thought you were too good for him," He sat on across from me, on the other side of the window. He looked out and watched the drips slid down outside, wearing the ever thoughtful look that defined him.
"Why have you always hated them so much?" God, did I sound horrible. Frogs in your throat had nothing on me.
"Hated who?" He didn't meet my eyes, for which I was grateful. Meeting his eyes always got me off track: it just sucked you into whatever direction he wanted you to take.
"My boyfriends. You've always pissed about them, saying I was better than that when I never saw anything wrong." He sighed and I was stricken by something I didn't understand.
"When's the last time you came home sober? Not drunk or high on the latest thing." I didn't answer. I was too tired to even try and remember. Shame washed over me, blanketing my pain in yet another layer of negativity. He sighed again and finally turned to look at me directly, but I looked down instead of meeting him. "They've changed you and broke pieces until you fit in the box they wanted to shove you in. It scares me. Sometimes I can't even recognize you. They're the wrong people."
He paused, but I knew him well enough to see that something else was on the tip of his tongue.
"Spit it out."
"What would your brothers do if they knew?" He might as well have ripped my heart out and left me to bleed. He should know not to bring my family into it.
"Stop it, Shika!" I covered my hands with my ears.
"I understand your family relations aren't simple," he grabbed my wrists and moved them away. "But they love you."
I shook my head and I could feel my face heat up and nose start to run. Now I wanted to cover my face, but he still had me by the wrists. I felt so ugly and pathetic and I just wanted to run or disappear and just stop- stop having to worry so much over nothing because I was so helpless and didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I was just a waste of space.
"I'm so sorry. I want to fix it so bad, but I'm such a mess I don't even know how to start. I'm just letting people down everywhere and I can't save them because I don't even know how to fix myself first." But I wasn't going to cry, I promised I wouldn't. "What do I do?"
"What do you think?" I could feel his questions forcing me to think- pulling up and out of the ocean of despair to answer before I drowned.
"I want to get clean. I want to become a better person so I can face it all," He smiled at me. It was a legit, from the heart, genuine smile. The kind you can almost never spot on him.
"You can. You're closer to it than you think," I was able to smile for the first time that night. Even if it put all my ugly truths out there, being with him brought out the best in me.
I followed the sudden urge to lean over and kiss him on the lips. I let it sit between us, filling the silence with expectations.
He kissed me back with almost no hesitation.
Finally I let the tears moisten my cheeks and stream like the raindrops outside our window, because this time I was sure. I was sure about him.
Suddenly, my life didn't seem like it needed much fixing after all.