I carry you in my heart
THEY ARE WRONG
Why doesn't anyone believe me? I know you're here! You didn't go anywhere. You were supposed to but you didn't. You said you loved me so I asked you to stay. Too dangerous, just too dangerous. Stay with me. You did. You would never leave me. You promised. And you are as good as your word. Good as gold. Never understood that expression until I met you. Good. As. Gold.
OUR BED IS STILL WARM
I like it that we don't need to fill the voids in our conversations. People talk without listening. You listen even when I'm not talking. To my words, to my silences. You are not afraid of my silences. And what I say- or choose to omit- matters to you.
I CAN STILL SMELL YOU ON ME
I pay close attention to you. Your smiles, your frowns. Your hunched shoulders or your proud standing. The way you smile your reassuring smile, the way you wear your clothes, but do not let them wear you. Because I've seen the difference. I marvel at every little bit of you. Every day. That's how you teach me. That's how I learn.
YOUR LAUGHTER STILL RINGS IN MY EARS
I never looked forward to the night, to sleep and rest. They say there is no rest for the wicked. There was never any rest for me. My dreams were alive with my fears- of the violence I've witnessed, of my losses, of abandonment. In my dreams, I kept on being left behind. And when I woke up, no one was ever there. And then there was you, I still dream. But you are there when I wake up. I'm no longer afraid to go to sleep.
THEY ARE WRONG
I like my body- what it does with your body. How we fit together like a puzzle. I like that I became a better version of an old thing. All my oddities, my quirks have a meaning now- they match yours, they complete you. Together, we make sense.
THEY ARE WRONG
You have made a refuge for me in your arms. Wherever you are, I'm home. I do not need things anymore. Because of you, I travel lightly. You taught me that all I need is my heart. I've learnt that all I need is yours. I carry your heart with me.
PROVE THEM WRONG
Your finger under my chin, your hugs, your dropping by in the middle of the night. Your tenderness, like an old song in my ears. No grandiose gestures, no inflamed words, no empty promises. You love me in quiet sweetness. Who needs ever afters?
YOU'RE STILL HERE
I sit here now. I refuse what they tell me. I am waiting. You said you'd come back. I wait patiently. You didn't go. How could you, if our bed is still warm? And everything around me is still the same. That's how I know you're still with me. The lab is still there- it did not implode. The sun is still in the sky. The moon still comes out at night. The world did not stop. So, you see, it's a lie. If you were gone like they say, none of it would exist. The world would be different. How could it all be the same as if you had never been on it?
HELP ME
They sit with me. Sweets, Angela, they all come and look at me in pity. I wonder why. You're here. But they sit and tell me that you're gone. That I'm not well and that I need to stay here in this world of whiteness. They say that I'll be better if I mourn you.
THEY ARE THE INSANE ONES
Sweets explains a lot of things to me. That I identified your body like I did my mum. That it was the shock that fractured my mind. What does that mean? He tells me not to worry. About what? I know that if I wait here, if I sit tight, you'll save me again.
I LOVE YOU
I hate Angela. She said you're not coming back. She said you died. But I know you didn't. You didn't, did you? You said you wouldn't leave me. You always keep your promises. Good as gold.
PRAYER
God is yours. I've never know him in my life. But you prayed. So I come here in pilgrimage and prayer. I stand before a cross with a man hanging from it. He couldn't save himself, how could he save us?
God, I don't know how to pray, so I just came here to show you my eyes. Whatever prayer is in them, is all I've got. Booth says it's enough, sometimes.
I AM NOT ALONE
You opened me up like a flower. Before you, I was alive but I wasn't living. Now I feel dead and this is life. There is life inside me. I can feel it moving. It pushes me out of the haze. Angela says I need to come back from wherever I am. But it hurts.
I CARRY YOU IN MY HEART
My heart is broken now. What good am I? My body nourished life and almost spilt in two to give it light. They put a child in my arms. Angela said it was ours. Me and you together. I do what's expected and bring it to my breast to feed it. And when I do, my heart shatters. You are not in this room. We have a daughter, but you are not with me.
I don't know how to pray. But I show your God my eyes so that he can see I'm thankful. I am not alone.
I carry you in my heart.
This little one shot took form in my head after hearing a song. It's an old Portuguese Fado about a woman who loses her lover to the sea. Her mind knows he is not coming back, but her heart refuses that knowledge. She is lost to the world. There is a video on youtube of this eerie song. If you look up Mariza- the singer and Barco Negro, the song you should be directed to a video of her concert in London last year. You will not regret it!
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