Jane downed the rest of her beer, sitting in the Dirty Robber watching her friends have a good time after such a stressful few days. After visiting the prison and realising Alice McFadden was released and not having beer in her own fridge, seeing as though she just moved in, she gathered everyone up and went to the robber
As she sat back in her booth Korsaks' words about ticking time bombs and how life could be taken away in an instant ran through her mind, she always knew this but seeing the tears in Korsaks eyes, the fear in his voice, it hit her harder than ever before. A man that she admires, a man that taught her everything she knows, someone who has saved her life on many different occasions, was scared but not just scared he might die but scared because his life with the woman he loves could be over before it really even started.
Knowing that McFadden has been out for the past 3 days has put her on edge, even more so than when Hoyt escaped, at least she knew why he was after her, she's got no idea why this Alice chick has put a target on her back, she's been racking her brain for the last 3 hours trying to figure out why her. They hardly interacted in the academy, the only place they really saw each other was the showers and in the female dorms, even then it was a quick hello or good job today. There was nothing she could think of that would put a target on her.
A waitress walked over, handing her another beer which she said thank you for before turning to check on her friends. Nina and KiKi were talking and laughing about something while Korsaks and Frankie were teaching Maura how to play darts, which she had to smile at because she knew that Maura knew how to play, having been beaten by her before, but she knew that Maura was letting them think not so their man ego wouldn't be damaged. As she took a sip of her beer the feeling in her gut fluttered a bit more, she knew that this McFadden thing wasn't the only thing on her mind, Korsaks words really registered with her, what if McFadden wins and she dies? She has been in love with her best friend for nearly 5 years now, she's never told her, been close a few times but something would happen that would make her change her mind, so what happens if she dies and never gets to tell Maura how she feels? Would it be such a bad thing? What if she tells Maura and the feeling aren't returned, things get strained between them and then she dies? She knows Maura wouldn't be able to live with herself if that happens. So no, not telling Maura is the best idea, at least until McFadden has been caught, hopefully she's the one after her, if it's another dead end or just another link is some fucked up chain, Janes not sure how she would handle it.
She's so deep in thought she doesn't realise the games over, Frankie's gone and Korsaks and KiKi have gone to his office. She doesn't see Maura go to the bar and get herself a wine and Jane a new beer, she doesn't notice anything apart from the thoughts running through her mind until a hand touches her shoulder and a beer is placed in front of her before Maura sits in the booth across from her.
"Hey how'd it go? Kick their asses?" Jane jokes as she finishes off the beer that was in front of her
"Why would I be kicking their gluteus maximus? We were only playing darts Jane" Maura asks but after seeing the look on her face she blushes "oh, you were making a joke"
"Yea Maur it was a joke but I will repeat for you in a way you will understand. Did you beat them at darts by a large score?" she laughs, loving how Maura still doesn't understand sarcasm all the time even after all these years.
"No actually, I didn't want their egos to be damaged so I lost on purpose, even though that goes against every part of the feminist in me. I just figured after the day we had, especially Vince that they deserved a win" she smiles as she takes a sip of her wine
"Aw, that was very sweet of you" she smiles "can you believe my mother just up and left for Paris? Didn't even give us a hug or kiss goodbye"
"I'm sure she was just sparing you from having to squirm out of her grasp like you usually do. Plus I think she was just excited, she's always asking me about when I lived there. She's going to love the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower and the bakeries and just the atmosphere of Paris. Oh I miss it Jane. We should go one day, I think you'll love it too" she smiles and Jane just can't help the warmth that fills her chest and smile at the child like excitement that is just radiating off Maura
"Sure Maur, as long as we go to these bakeries you seem so excited about" Maura just smiles at her, they fall into a comfortable silence both in their own world, Jane picturing her and Maura in Paris, maybe if she ever gets the courage to confess her feelings and things go well, they could go there on their honeymoon. Spending the days sightseeing, learning about this part of Maura's past that she doesn't know too much about, eating fancy French food in fancy restaurants and spending the nights making love, having only a few hours' sleep before waking up to do it again.
"Jane" Maura's voice brings her out of her daydream
"Hmm, sorry was thinking"
"About what? It looked serious" she questions
"Nothing too important, just in my own world" she smiles, taking a sip of her beer and throwing a few peanuts in her mouth
"You've been in your own world all night. You may think I haven't noticed but I have, so what's on your mind" she says as she places her hand on Janes. Jane looks at their hands then looks into Maura's eyes, she briefly for a second think about telling her but changes her mind just as quickly
"Just thinking about McFadden. Trying to figure out what I did to get her pissed at me, if she's the leader or just another link. Where she is now and what she's planning. You know, the usual" she tries to joke but knows it didn't work
"That's on all our minds but there's something else, you wouldn't have had the heartbroken look on your face that you had earlier if that's all" Maura states and she hates it, hates how Maura can know her so well
"Maura…I just… I" she tries to get the words out but the bar erupts into laughter at something someone said at the bar "here's not the place. Can we go back to yours?"
"Sure, c'mon I'll drive" they finish off their drinks and walk to Maura car, the whole time Jane massages her hands, a nervous trait she has picked up since she first got her scars. They ride in silence with just the radio softly playing the top 40 before arriving at Maura's 15 minutes later.
"Beer?" Maura asks as she walks into the kitchen placing her handbag down on the island and slipping off her heels
"No thanks, maybe some tea? But none of that panda poop tea, just some normal kind" Jane smiles as she sits down, she knows she's gonna need a clear head tomorrow and having a hangover won't help.
5 minutes later they are sitting on the couch with their teas, Jane trying to figure out how to start and Maura patiently waiting.
"I'm scared Maur" Jane managed to whisper "I've got all these what ifs running through my head and I'm scared" she put her tea down and rubbed her hands "what if McFadden wins? What if I die? And I'm scared, I always knew when Hoyt was after me, I knew why. I didn't think about dying when I shot myself to stop Marino, I didn't think about it when I jumped off that bridge, all I thought about was saving people. I've only ever felt this scared twice before but it's not because of my own could be death. I don't know how to handle this Maura, there's so many things I want to do and have in life. I want to get married, have a family, grow old with the person I love, then there's also I want to travel, I want to catch a home run, hell even a foul ball at a Red Sox game, I want so many more things but because I don't know what McFadden's game is I'm worried it won't happen" she cried, looking at the ground, tears running down her face she didn't realise Maura had tears running down her own until she looked up after a few minutes of silence "Aw Maur I didn't want to make you cry" she reached up, cupping Maura's face and whipping the tears away
"We won't let anything happen to you. I won't let anything happen to you. Tomorrow we'll go into the office, we'll search through everything to do with McFadden, find her and we'll put her back behind bars and you'll be able to have everything you want" Maura states with such conviction Jane can't half help but believe it
"But..." Jane starts before getting cut of
"No Jane, no buts. We've come too far, fought too much to have some random woman take it all away. I want you to have all those things, I want to be there for some of them too, so we are going to catch her. I don't want to think you might die, again. Do you know how hard it was to sit next to your bedside when you shot yourself? Yes it was heroic but also so utterly stupid, how hard it was to sit there again after Tasha, after you lost the baby, knowing that I would have to tell you. Knowing that there would be no Jane Jr running around. I'm not letting anything happen to you again, you've already lost so much I'm not letting you lose anymore. Plus like I told you last night, I'm invested in this too and I won't stop helping until she's caught" Maura said, grabbing onto Janes hands, holding them between their bodies, holding eye contact, tears running down both their faces, more running down Janes face after Maura mentioned their baby, yes their baby, that's how Jane saw it, not Casey's but hers and Maura's, she knew she would be raising it with her, was hoping the situation could create a time for their friendship to progress but once again, something happened and she took it as another sign not to tell her, her feelings.
"Oh crap Maura, I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about all that. I'm so sorry about everything Maura, I don't want to make you cry or sad, it's the last thing I want. I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry" she kept repeating this curling into herself, crying harder before Maura pulled her in for a hug, she held her for nearly half an hour before she had calmed down enough and pulled back. "Sorry, I guess I needed that"
"Its fine Jane, I think we both needed it" Maura said, whipping the tears off her face "What else has got you worried? I can see it, there's something else"
"We could've been blown up yesterday, blown up by mines, we're in the middle of Boston Maura and we could've been blown up. I just… Korsaks stood there for hours, worried that the life he has planned would be taken away with one wrong movement. He's getting married to the love of his life, he finally found her and it could've been taken away just like that" she snaps her fingers "it just makes you think is all, did I tell the people I love that I love them enough, do they know what they mean to me and I know the answer, it no. I haven't told them, I could never tell them enough." She breaks eye contact, looking at her hands, a moment of silence passes before she speaks again "Do you want a family Maur?"
"I... Yes.. I guess... I've thought about it over the years, I think I mentioned to you once about freezing my eggs but I never got around to it. I always thought I'd be having a family with the person I love, watching our kids grow up as we grow old, having grandchildren, watching them run around in the backyard while we sit on the porch. I've thought of random moments before, like taking our kids to the zoo, introducing them to Bass, taking them on weekend trips, going shopping for kid's clothes, changing my online shoe shopping to online children's items shopping. It's just at times gone on I've let the idea go, just a fantasy now"
"Why" Jane asked, at the same time picturing herself and Maura doing all that
"Because I'm not sure if the person I want that with doesn't want it with me or is just too scared to admit that they do and take a chance. I mean I know I could just take the initiative and tell them how I feel but I can't take that risk, they have always been the one to take charge and be in control and I can't take that away from them, I have to give them the time to realise I'm here waiting for them and when their ready so am I." a lone tear ran down her face and Jane lifted her hand to catch it, she didn't miss the fact that Maura dodged the gender and the look in her eye as she stared into Janes gave her the courage she needed.
"Oh Maur... Can I tell you something?" she asked softly, slowly moving closer to Maura, at her nod she continued "I thought of my baby as ours, I wanted to raise it with you" at Maura's gasp she moved her hand from her cheek to the back of her neck, running her thumb up and down her nape
"Jane…" she whispered
"You're the only one I want to raise a child with" Jane said as she inched her face closer
"Jane… what are you saying? I need you to be specific, I can't take another almost moment" Maura whispered, Jane leaned back to look into her eyes
"In no clearer terms, I'm in love with you Maura Dorothea Isles. I'm about to kiss you, then after take you upstairs to bed, where we will sleep because it's late and we have to get up early. Then once this McFadden stuff is over we're going on a date, one day move in together, get married, go to Paris on our honeymoon, have babies, take them to see Bass then we'll grow old together and watch our grandchildren run around as we sit on the porch. Can I get any clearer than that Maura?"
The biggest smile graced Maura's face and that was enough for Jane to lean over and press her lips against the set she's been waiting 5 years for. Fireworks, would be the best term to describe the feeling that spread throughout her body and the bright colours that exploded behind her eyes. She pulled back once she needed air
"I'm going to find her Maura, I'm going to find Alice McFadden, figure out what her deal is and then put her back behind bars where she can't hurt us anymore. I've just got you now, I'll be damned if I let anyone take that away from me." She softly kisses her again "I love you Maura"
"I love you too Jane, so much. We'll figure this out together I promise, then I'll be looking forward to that date" she smiles then stands up, holding out her hand for Jane to take.
30 minutes later with Maura fast asleep on Jane's chest, her arm wrapped around her waist and their legs entwined, Jane couldn't be happier, even with McFadden on her back, she knew that together they can face it. Pressing a kiss to Maura's head, she couldn't help but be kind of thankful for the upsetting past couple of days, because without it, she wouldn't be where she is right in this moment.