Title: With Open Eyes
Genre: Angst, slight humor, 1st person POV (Jacen)
Characters: Jacen Solo, Anakin Skywalker
Timeline: Right at the end of Invincible
Authors Notes: This was written for the 2009 fic-gift exchange over at tf.n . A few months back my hard drive crashed taking with it all of the stories I had been working on and trying to complete before posting and my muse kinda died with them (yes, I should have backed up. I learned my lesson). Luckily, this sort of brought it back... here's hoping it stays!
This is the first time I've really ever written either of these characters so I hope I did them justice!
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I know this is it, the final moment. As Jaina approaches me time seems to slow down, more than it ever seemed like using the Force. I know what Jaina is about to do, that it will be my twin that will strike the killing blow. I also know that her strike will render her vulnerable and I will have the opportunity to take her with me. For fractions of a second I consider doing this, that she and my parents in some way deserve it, but as I raise my blade I become aware that this is not truly the case and that I could take that moment to warn the ones I love most, the ones I've been trying to protect despite their eventual betrayal. So as my twin is rushing towards me, I look her in the eyes and I reach out to Tenel Ka and to my beautiful daughter Allana and warn them that they are not safe.
Blackness
I do not know what this is or where I am, but I do know that I must be dead. All I see is black.
I lay, pondering if this is what happens when one dies as a Sith, when a tiny bit of light shines in the distance. I try to reach out to it, to pull myself towards it's beauty, but find I can do no such thing. As I lay and look at it, I notice it is slowly coming closer and getting larger. I take deep breaths and do my best to be patient. As it draws closer I notice a shadow in the light. It looks to be a man, though I cannot quite make out who it could be.
I try to speak out but it is as though my vocal chords have seized up and all that will escape my lips is a soft whine that sounds as though a small animal is crying for its mother. Again, I take a deep breath and try to wait. It is as though the man in the light is willing me to be patient, that he knows I am confused and if I must admit, only to myself, frightened.
The white light suddenly engulfed me and it was as though I could feel again, like I was not only physically in the darkness but mentally as well. As I got a closer look at him I realized that he was not a shadow at all but he had a hazy blue appearance to him. Although I had never met him I recognized him immediately having been told many stories of his life by my uncle.
I had just opened my mouth to speak to him when he spoke first.
"Jacen," he said my real name and not the name I was as a Sith Lord, filling me with more hope than I thought imaginable. Had I been forgiven for the things I'd done that I now knew to be wrong?
"Not yet, but you will be. You've already taken the first step. By reaching out to Tenel Ka and Allana and not striking down your sister you have allowed yourself to become one with the Force in the natural and intended way."
"So this is the afterlife?" I ask, wondering if this is all there is.
"Yes," he says. "And no. There is much more than this but it must be earned. You now know the things you did in your life and the gravity of those actions, but only knowing does not fix them."
"How do I fix them? What do I have to do to be forgiven?" I ask him.
"You must figure that out for yourself."
The smile on his face is a little unnerving but for some reason I saw that answer coming. I figured it must have been because of all the years of following Uncle Luke. He would never actually give you an answer; he made you figure it out for yourself.
He speaks once again having seemingly read my thoughts. "A smart one, my son is. " As he says those words a small laugh escapes his lips and for the first time the tension I was feeling releases if only just barely. "I seem to be channeling Master Yoda. I suspect he is not far."
I do not know exactly what he means but I suspect I'm not meant to. I would love to meet Master Yoda after hearing stories of him but I do not know if that will be possible. "Grandfather," I begin to ask. "If I am able to see and speak with you, will I be able to do the same with others who have become one?"
"Yes, but it is up to you to figure out how and whom you should find."
I pondered on his words for some time. Time did not seem to matter, as well it shouldn't when one becomes one with the Force. I thought about all those who had gone before me that I would like to see again or meet: I was speaking with my grandfather but I would enjoy more time with him in less serious and confusing circumstances. My brother Anakin whom I missed everyday when I was still in human form. Masters Yoda and Obi-wan whom my have great love and reverence for. My grandmother of whom we only learned just the slightest bit about in recent years.
As I kept thinking of the people I would be honored to see here I realized the one person I had to find. I had wronged many people in my time as Darth Caedus, something I realized with great clarity now. There was something that had been hidden in my desires to do that I thought was right, what I wanted.
Aunt Mara.
As her name appeared in my head I saw my grandfather smile. I had done more to her than anyone else. I had betrayed her love, her trust and in the end I had killed her to get her out of my way, to keep her from letting others know just what I had become. She knew I had been torturing her son when he had been so young and impressionable. My heart began to ache with the sorrow of all that I had done to her, to Ben and Uncle Luke. To my parents and sister.
I felt myself slipping into despair as I relived all of my transgressions when I felt an invisible hand pull me back. "Do not succumb to the guilt. It is just as bad as the things you did when you were too blind to see what you were doing. Guilt makes you blind. Open your eyes and see."
"But how can I not after all that I've done? "
"You learn. It is the nature of being of Skywalker blood I am afraid. With the great gift of the Force that flows so strongly through us the darkness can creep in, making you blind to the things that matter most while making you think you are doing what needs to be done. But once you have crossed that path and returned to to light, only then will you become all you can. Some do that in life, like your uncle and some of us only find our vision has cleared right as we become One."
"So that is the Skywalker legacy? To become dark?" I ask him knowing that is not the truth but a question I feel needs asking anyway.
"No, you know that it is not. It is overcoming that darkness that is our destiny. Becoming more in tune with the Force by having seen all sides of it." His serious face smirks once again and I know that he has said all he will on the subject. I must figure the rest out for myself. "Well that," he continues, "and it seems losing at least one limb is also a Skywalker destiny but I do not think that was in the original plans. I do hope young Ben manages to keep all of his, though he is his father's son."
He begins to laugh, as do I, feeling lighter and as though I understand so much more than I ever have. Before I have the chance to say anything more his blue glow begins to fade.
"May the Force be with you, Jacen," he says with a smile on his face, and then he is gone.
I am alone but I do not feel as though I am. I know that it will take time to get rid of all the guilt and hurt I hold over what I have done but I will not let it consume me. I will do what I need to with open eyes, looking to the light.
The first thing I must do is find Aunt Mara. We have a lot to discuss.