The Dr. McCoy Soap Opera
a one-shot CT
Summary: Kirk tries to get McCoy a girlfriend...with mixed and funny results.
D/C: Don't own Star Trek.
Author's Note: I take a line ('You're a lonely miserable old man, etc.) from White Christmas. That's not mine either, but it fits...anyway, here's...
The Dr. McCoy Soap Opera
Kirk was bored. It was a long way to Starbase XXI, and they weren't near any Romulan/Klingon neutral zone. No planets to check out...nope, it was an rare day on the Enterprise: nothing was happening.
He thought about what he could do. Maybe...uh, make out with some girl? Nope, Kirk thought, he'd done that already. He knew what he could do! Go down to sickbay and meet Bones. As long as he didn't get a physical...
"What the hell are you doing here, Jim?" McCoy asked, grabbing some papers and some scanners. "I'm busy."
"No you're not." Kirk replied. "Hey, where's Chapel?"
"CHRISTINE?" McCoy yelled. "GET IN HERE!"
"I didn't need to see her!" Kirk said.
"Well, she forgot to organize the ensigns' files." McCoy said. Kirk sighed.
"Don't you ever get bored just moping around in sickbay?" he asked.
"Mope? I don't mope!" McCoy snapped. "I tell Christine what to organize, do physicals..."
"Bones, you need a life." Kirk advised. "Or at least a girlfriend."
"No I do not." McCoy snapped. "I'm perfectly happy the way I am."
"You're a lonely, miserable, old man." Kirk said. "And unhappy."
"Do you want a physical?" McCoy asked. "Because that is what you're getting if you continue talking like that. I don't need a girlfriend."
"But you want one."
"Shut up." McCoy began to examine the scanners.
"You needed me, Doctor?" Chapel asked, walking out from the office.
"Yes. Organize these files." McCoy gave her a handful of papers. Chapel sighed.
"C'mon, Bones!" Kirk said. "You're probably keeping Nurse Chapel away from her boyfriend!" Chapel stared at him. Kirk winked at her.
"Yes, Doctor, you are..." Chapel said, getting the hint but not understanding why she was lying in the first place.
"Don't even try to lie." McCoy said. "You love Spock, for some unknown arcane reason, and you won't date anyone til you get him."
"That's not true!" Kirk said. "Chapel is dating someone else. Right?"
"Um...yes, Captain." Chapel said.
"Jim, what are you trying to do?"
"What are you trying to do?" Kirk asked. "Keeping Chapel from her love?! Her own true-"
"Stop being melodramatic." McCoy snapped. "Even if she's dating someone-"
"She is!" Kirk said. "Look at Nurse Chapel." Kirk grabbed her. "Look at the sadness in her eyes." Actually at that moment, she was looking more confused than sad. "Look-"
"Who are you dating, Christine?" McCoy asked.
"Um...that new ensign...Ricky Williams." Chapel replied.
"...you're dating a gay man, Chapel?" McCoy asked.
"What?"
"Well, seeing as Ensign Williams is currently dating Mr. Davis, I don't think he's involved with you." McCoy said. "Either that, or he's cheating on you."
"Where do you find these rumors, Doctor?" Kirk asked.
"It's not a rumor." McCoy said. "It's called 'opening your eyes'. Ever tried it?"
"Okay," Kirk said, "so maybe Nurse Chapel isn't dating Williams. But the point is- you need a girlfriend!"
"No I do not!" McCoy snapped. "Besides, what girl would ever fall in love with an old, cantankerous man like me? Right, Chapel?"
"Why am I getting involved in this?" Chapel asked. "Besides," she gave a schoolgirl smile, "I heard that someone has a soft spot for the good doctor."
"Where the hell did you hear that rumor?" McCoy asked.
"It's not a rumor." Kirk said. "It's called 'opening your eyes'." To Chapel he asked, "Who likes Dr. McCoy?"
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"Hello, Captain." Lt. Leslie White said. They were sitting in the officer's lounge, alone. Kirk had asked her to come. He had read up a bit on Leslie. Two months ago she had transferred from the USS Washington and was studying various alien languages. She wished to become a translator. "May I ask why I am here?"
"I just have a few questions for you." Kirk said. "Is there any problem with that?"
"Of course not, Captain." Leslie replied. "Do you need a translator for some reason? Is there going to be a species of alien that doesn't know English at the starbase? Is-"
"Lt. White," Kirk interrupted, "I'm the one who will be asking the questions."
"Sorry, sir."
"Don't mention it." Kirk said. "In fact, please don't mention this discussion at all."
"Um...alright, Captain."
"So...I won't beat around the bush." Kirk said. Leslie looked a bit worried. "Do you like Dr. McCoy?"
"I believe he's a wonderful physician." Leslie answered, going a bit red. "I saw him once before, when the Washington and Enterprise was docked together...he seemed to be a very honest, caring person... I think Dr. McCoy's very skilled-"
"That's not what I meant by like." Kirk said. "Do you...have a...crush on him?"
Leslie blushed. "Er...is this a private discussion?"
"What is said in the officer's lounge stays in the officer's lounge." Kirk promised.
"Well, Captain...I have been a bit infatuated with the good doctor." Leslie said, going beetroot red. "He is so nice...and handsome." Kirk raised an eyebrow. Handsome wasn't his choice word for Bones, but if Leslie liked him... "Yes, I do have a...crush on Dr. McCoy."
The doors slid open. Leslie jumped when she saw who it was: the good doctor himself. "Oh, hey Jim. Lt. White." McCoy said. He smirked. "Didn't mean to interrupt anything..."
"NO!" both Kirk and Leslie cried.
"I'm not dating Lt. White." Kirk said. "No...we were just have a personal discussion."
"Isn't there a regulation against captains asking personal questions to other officers?" McCoy asked. "Like, I don't know, invasion of privacy..."
"It was just a chat." Leslie said, fumbling with her hands. "That's all, Doctor."
"If you say so." McCoy said. "I was just going to get a medical card I'd left in here..."
"Bones." Kirk said. "I just realized something. You haven't examined Lt. White here! She hasn't gotten one of your physicals yet!"
"I'm sure the doctor of the Washington was a good doctor." McCoy said. "But...still, do you want a physical White?"
"YES! I mean...yes!" Leslie grinned at him. "I'll...just be down in sickbay right now!" She rushed out of the room.
"I've already got a mental evaluation of her." McCoy said.
"Oh? How?"
"Anyone who wants one of my physicals must be insane."
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Kirk was impatient. He kept fidgeting in his captain's chair. All of the bridge members excluding Uhura, who was busy getting her hair done, kept glancing at him as if he were insane. "I want to see how Bones is doing with Lt. White." he explained.
"I heard she has a crush on Dr. McCoy." Sulu said.
"Am I the only one who doesn't hear these rumors?" Kirk asked.
"Probably, Keptain." Chekov replied. "Some of them are about you." Kirk glared at him.
"Mr. Chekov, put up a view of sickbay on the screen." Kirk said. "We'll just see how they're doing..."
"Captain?" Spock asked. "Isn't that invading their privacy?"
"It does seem a bit daft of ya-" Scotty began, before Kirk cut him off.
"Just think of it as a...show. A soap opera or something."
"I don't vatch soap operas." Chekov said.
"Neither do I," Scotty said, "but this'll be more entertaining than any soap opera on Earth."
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(Author's NOTE: At this time, anything in italics is words from the bridge members!)
"Hello, Doctor!" Leslie said, walking into sickbay.
"Greetings, Lt. White." McCoy replied. "Please sit down. I'll just do a preliminary scan first, then go into a full physical."
"If you say so." Leslie said, sitting down on the bed. McCoy began to scan her.
"Perfect health, Lt. White."
"You can call me Leslie, sir!" she said. "If...you want..."
"Well Leslie," McCoy said, "I see you're very health-conscious. Very good. So, what are you doing on the Enterprise anyway?"
"Learning to be a translator." Leslie said. "I read your essay about alien physiology. It was superb."
"Thank you." Dr. McCoy said. "So, you're learning Vulcan?"
"Yes."
"Don't bother." McCoy said. "It's a language for pointy-eared devils-" at this point, Spock raised an eyebrow- "and you've got normal ears and the face of an angel." Leslie blushed.
"And people think Dr. McCoy has a rough bedside manner!" Kirk joked.
Leslie blushed. Their conversation died away, with McCoy taking Leslie's blood pressure and heartbeat. The woman began to hum.
"Humming Dixieland?" McCoy asked.
"I came from Texas. Lived there only for a few years." Leslie said. "Then we moved to Arizona."
"Well, as long as ya didn't move into a Yankee state." McCoy joked. Leslie laughed in agreement.
"They're perfect for each other!" Sulu said.
"Yeah! It's almost kind of creepy." Scotty agreed.
"I see no logic in this Earth custom called 'flirting'." Spock said. "Why shouldn't they tell each other how they feel?"
"Because it's more interesting this vay, Mr. Spock." Chekov said.
"Well, you check out fine, Leslie." McCoy said. "You're free to go."
"Thank you, Doctor." Leslie said, looking a bit sad to leave. "I had thought the physical was going to be a lot worse."
"You followed my instructions." McCoy said. "Do that, and every physical will be as easy as pie. Jim never does as I say, and I've been examining him for years!" Leslie smiled.
Leslie accidentally tripped on the way out. McCoy caught her around the waist. The two blushed. McCoy almost instantly let go. He ran his fingers through his hair a few times. "Uh...er..." the doctor found he had nothing to say. Then shut up Leonard! he thought to himself.
Leslie, too, was blushing and fidgeting with her hands. "I'll...uh, see ya around!" she left.
"They look like teenagers." Scotty said. "Sweating, blushing, and being all nervous! How cute!"
McCoy smiled at the fleeting woman. As soon as she was out of sickbay, he smacked himself in the forehead. "Dammit, Leonard." he muttered. "Figures of you to mess up around a woman. Especially a woman like that..."
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"Aw, he's got to do something to tell her how he feels!" Scotty said on the bridge. Chekov had turned off the screen. "Maybe flowers...or chocolates..."
"Perhaps a romantic serenade." Spock suggested. "Though I am not sure how well the doctor sings..."
"Flowers always gets a girl." Sulu said. "Why do you think I like botany?"
"Because you like flowers." Chekov replied.
Sulu shook his head. "Because girls like flowers."
"So, you think they're going to get together?" Kirk asked.
"I bet five credits they will by the end of tomorrow." Scotty said.
"Betting is illogical, Mr. Scott," Spock said, "but I too agree that the chances of Dr. McCoy and Lt. White confessing their love by tomorrow would be...12,239.05 to 2."
"I think they'd be a good couple." Kirk said. "If only he gets the courage to ask her on a date..."
"What are you all talking about?" Uhura asked, walking onto the bridge. "Sounds like a soap opera. I didn't know you guys watched that."
"It's called the Dr. McCoy soap opera." Sulu said.
"...What?" Uhura asked. "You've been watching Dr. McCoy? That's an invasion of privacy!"
"Oh, Lt. Uhura, I'm sure the doctor doesn't mind." Kirk said. "We're just watching him court Lt. White, that's all."
"Really?" Uhura said. "I've heard she had a crush on him..."
"I am the last person to hear these rumors." Kirk said miserably.
"Were they flirting?" Uhura asked.
"Blatantly." Kirk replied.
"I think they'd be a good couple." Uhura said. "When can we watch them next?"
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Sulu reported breathlessly, after running to the bridge from his room, that Dr. McCoy had picked a few of his flowers. Chekov turned the screen onto Lt. White's cabin, where she was reading a book. Spock turned from his console to watch the 'soap opera' and Scotty came up from engineering. Chekov and Sulu had first-class seats, and Uhura was busy gossiping with Chapel (who had too learned about Dr. McCoy's Soap Opera) about how the two were going to flirt. Kirk had his fingers-crossed, because he had bet with Scotty that it would take less than 20 minutes for the two of them to kiss.
Dr. McCoy, on screen, walked into Leslie's cabin. She looked up from her book. "Hello, Doctor!"
"These are for you." McCoy said, giving her the bouquet of flowers.
"Why, thank you! They're beautiful!" Leslie said.
"Told you flowers get the girl." Sulu told Chekov.
"Please," Leslie said, "sit down...well, actually, I don't really have room for a chair." She laughed, pulling out a vase. "I've got a really small cabin."
"No one but senior officers get large rooms." McCoy said.
"Do you have one?"
"Hell no!" McCoy said. "Large rooms on a starship? Urban legend. Wish I had one though...you should see Kirk's room."
"Is it large?"
"It has to be, with all the girls he has." McCoy replied. Leslie laughed. Kirk grinned. "Look at all the books you have." McCoy said, looking at Leslie's extensive library. "Dammit, it's all Klingon to me!"
"There are some Klingon books." Leslie said, setting the vase down. "And some Vulcan...er...I suppose you could..." she blushed. "sit on my bed. As I said, I don't really have a chair..."
McCoy sat down tentatively on the bed. She sat down next to him, smiling.
"What are you reading?" the doctor asked, looking at her book.
"Shakespeare in Klingonese." Leslie replied. "'Shall I compare thee to a hot day?'"
"Isn't it summer's day?"
"They don't have the word summer in Klingonese." Leslie replied.
"You are certainly well-read." McCoy said, looking at her books. "You'll be a fine translator."
"Thanks." Leslie said. "I'm looking forward to going to the Starbase. I heard there's going to be Betazoids there. I'm fluent in their language."
"You are one smart, beautiful woman." McCoy said. "You don't look the book-worm type at all. Flawless skin, beautiful red hair..."
"You're very handsome yourself." Leslie said. "Your eyes..."
"Dammit, Leslie, you're the looker between us." McCoy replied. "I'm just the old good doctor."
"You're not old." Leslie argued. She smiled at him, and slowly edged a bit closer to him. McCoy grinned back and put his arm around her shoulder.
"So, Leslie." McCoy said. "Do you like the Enterprise's food?"
"Actually, no." Leslie replied. "It's very...processed..."
"And bland." McCoy agreed. "So, I was wondering..." he fidgeted slightly, "since we both hate the food here...maybe we could go out to eat at Starbase XXI? I'm sure they have better food there..."
"I'd go out to eat with you whether we were tasting the worst food in this galaxy or the best." Leslie said. "Yes, I'd love to go with you."
"It's a date?"
"Quite." Leslie grinned at him. McCoy brushed the hair out of her eyes and kissed her.
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The bridge erupted into cheers. Uhura jumped out of her chair, Chapel was crying with happiness, Sulu screamed "YES!", Chekov cheered, Scotty punched the air with his fist, Spock gave an approving nod, and Kirk just laughed as the kiss grew more passionate.
"This is great!" Uhura said. "Oh, they make such a cute couple!" Chekov turned the screen off.
"Dr. McCoy does have a heart after all." Sulu said.
"It would be illogical of you to assume otherwise." Spock told Sulu. "If the doctor had no heart, then he would not be able to continue body functions-"
"I owe ya five credits." Scotty said to Kirk. "Why, it's so odd to see McCoy acting...human! Kissing that Leslie White."
"WHAT??" screamed a voice from the turbolift. The bridge grew quiet, turning around to see none other than Dr. McCoy and Leslie White. "What the hell?" McCoy asked. "What did you just say, Scotty?"
"Nothing." Scotty lied. "Nothing at all."
McCoy walked over to Spock's station, where the Vulcan was hunched over his console. "Spock?"
"Yes, doctor?"
"What were you all just doing?"
"Watching the screen." Spock replied evasively.
"What were you watching on the screen?"
"...Lt. White's quarters." Spock answered truthfully.
"Dammit, Jim, this was your idea!" McCoy snapped. Leslie was blushing terribly.
"Now, Bones, please...you were a lonely miserable old man." Kirk said. "And unhappy. And when you're unhappy, I'm unhappy. So I just watched..to make sure you're happy. So then I'll be happy. Understand?"
"All of you." McCoy said, looking around at the bridge. "All of you were watching my love life like it was some kind of..."
"Soap opera?" Uhura finished.
"Yes." McCoy said. "Like some soap opera." He took out a small book from his pocket. "My dear Leslie," he asked, "do you think I'll have time to give all of these bridge members a full physical before our date?"
"You're such a good doctor," Leslie replied, "I'm sure you can fit them all in."
McCoy marked something in his book. "Well, well, well. Since all of you apparently have enough time to spy on me, you apparently have time for a physical. A full physical. And Chapel?" He said. "Since you were in on this, I think you can organize their physical files after I'm done. Fair enough?"
The bridge member's groaned.
"I think that's very fair, Leonard." Leslie said. She kissed him on the cheek. She, along with McCoy, left the bridge.
"And people think I have all the power." Kirk muttered.
"Now we have to get a physical?" Scotty asked.
"We all do." Spock said.
Chekov summed up the feelings of everyone on the bridge:
"That's the last time I'm vatching the Dr. McCoy Soap Opera."
FIN
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