Wedding Bells
Wedding bells are ringing in the chapel
That should be ringing out for you and me
Down the aisle with someone else you're walking
Those wedding bells will never ring for me
-Hank Williams, "Wedding Bells"
December 6th 2014 – Palace Hotel, New York City, New York, 1:13 AM
The last time he saw either of them the invitations had not been sent out. What a difference six months make.
He watches them through full-length mirror at the end of the hotel corridor. They're stumbling out of the elevator. His back is pressed against the wall to the adjacent hallway. He is hidden out of sight. Still, he holds his breathe. Tries desperately to not let the pounding of his heart drown out their sounds.
Camille is swaying from side to side. There's a skip in her step as she walks with her hand laced in Logan's. She spins herself like a ballerina in front of him. Giggles as she reaches up to kiss his lips. Her hands wrap around his neck and she's hanging off of Logan, speechless, beaming and grinning. She's drunk on Logan's attention and high on love.
They stop at a room and she leans with her back to the door. She arches her hips out and pulls Logan by his belt so their bodies are pressed together. She's smiling mischievously while Logan suppresses a smirk.
"Do you want to come in tonight?" She's got both hands running up and down his tie.
"I think you better you rest. Big day tomorrow."
Camille frowns, "So much planning and tomorrow it will all be over."
"You look sad." Logan muses, leaning forward for a kiss.
She presses her forehead to his and sighs with contentment.
"Relieved," she breathes, "Wedding planning is exhausting."
Logan pulls away from her then, "Rest. I'll see you tomorrow."
She pulls him in for one more kiss before turning around and sliding the key card into her door. She turns around once more.
"Sure you don't want to come in?"
"We'll have the rest of our lives." Logan's lips curve to a hint of a smile, "I'll be down the hall if you need me."
She smiles back at him and disappears into her room.
When the door closes, Logan's smile falters. He shoves both hands into his pockets and stares down at the hotel carpet. James waits silently for Logan to turn around. Logan snaps out of his thoughts and freezes when he sees him.
"James?" It's a whisper, a mixture of surprise and relief.
James doesn't reply. He stares at Logan with an anxious yearning. His body is shaking with fear. Part of him wants to engulf Logan into his arms. The other part wants to turn around and never look back.
Logan looks from James to the door in which Camille has just disappeared. Fearful for a moment as to where this could lead. He stops at the hotel door between them, slides in his key card and waits there with the door open until James is following him in.
Logan throws the key card onto the dresser and turns around. James stays in place with his back against the door. They keep the distance between them. Logan takes in James features, the heavy bags under his eyes, the mess of his hair, the disheveled clothing. It's an image Logan barely recognizes. Odd that he had just been thinking of James, and here he was.
"I thought you had filming." Logan finally says. He remembers the sinking feeling when the invitation came back with the polite decline.
"I did." James has his eyes fixated on the ground. He's trying hard to hold himself together. He looks up at Logan with lidded eyes and harsh breaths, "I do."
He couldn't stay away. Tried his hardest to find an excuse not to be here. Deliberately requested work for a film on an entirely different continent when this day came. Somehow, despite his better judgment, James still managed to find his way back to Logan the night before his wedding.
It was so fucking cliché James wanted to cry.
"Are you staying for the wedding?" Logan couldn't help but ask.
James shakes his head and moves forward.
"James." Logan's voice is one of warning laced in nothing but concern. James stops halfway. Logan's heart breaks for the both of them.
"You're really getting married?" James asks, his face contorts with pain; he knows what the answer will be. He has to hear it from Logan himself. Such the sadist, he is.
Logan can't look James in the eyes. He nods slightly at the ground. Without seeming to move, James crosses to him. He pulls Logan flush against himself and breaths him in. James wraps his arms around Logan as if to hold himself together. Logan's hands stay at their side. He's crushed at the weight of the taller boy on him.
"Do you remember that summer?" James asks. He needs this, needs for some sort of confirmation that it meant anything at all.
Logan contemplates for a moment the two choices before him. He wants to tell James to let go of the mistake they've made. He wants to say it meant nothing at all. If Logan were selfless he'd do this for James. Allow the pretty boy heartbreak and send him on his way.
"How could I forget?" he says instead.
Something inside Logan won't allow himself to do that. He needs James to hang on to those memories just as he has to. Haunting him until his very last breath.
James pulls back then, nods with bitter contentment. The months of restlessness, the long flights, the medication to keep him up, to keep him happy, to keep him going, it was all catching up to him.
Logan leaned forward then. Wanted to do anything to stop his mind from taking in how much pain he's caused James. The kiss was rough, just like the calloused fingers that crept underneath Logan's dress shirt, picked out by Camille for the rehearsal dinner, grazing across his skin and leaving a trail of desire in their wake. James' mind tried to gain control, even as his body responded to Logan, until final breaking from the kiss. A small cry of desperation left Logan's throat just as he did so.
"No, Logan…we can't." James wanted so desperately to continue. He wanted one more poetic memory to carry with him. But he knows Logan will not be able to live with the guilt. And James cannot live with himself if he hurt Logan.
James lowers his head to Logan's shoulder, trumped by reason but still unable to leave the heat of his body, making it clear that Logan is not the only one whose guilt and lust battled for dominance.
"Lay down with me." He pleads, exhaustion evident.
Logan bites at his bottom lip. When James lies down on his side, Logan crawls in next to him.
"She's going to make you so happy." James whispers. Logan had never heard him speak so softly. James struggled with the next words for a moment, before he finally says without meeting Logan's eyes, "Congratulations, Daddy."
Logan's eyes widen, "I wanted to tell you."
"Kendall told me." James explains. His thumb slips across Logan's cheek caressing gentle circles, while the other hand moved over the skin of his back, eliciting a desire that he didn't mean to. "You and Camille are going to have beautiful children."
James wanted to cry but tonight he has to be brave. So he carried on. "Kendall is going to make a great god father." There is no bitterness in his tone and Logan knew why. With James' absence Kendall has already stepped in to fill the role of the best man. He knew any part of his life is already too much to ask James to still be a part of.
James smiled weakly, "I would keep your kids away from Carlos if you can."
"And me…I am going to love your children fiercely." James smiled, his mind elsewhere as if already imagining the future ahead "Uncle James will definitely be their favorite."
Despite all his efforts to remain stoic, Logan had to close his eyes at the confession. His heart ached and for more than one reason he pressed himself against James and buried his face into the crook of the taller boy's neck. They lie awake that night. Each boy thinking about how young and naïve they must have been to think the world was theirs for the taking. They think of peewee hockey and bandaged knees, of science projects and coaxed participation, of stardom, of fame, of a tour buses, of summer nights, of years upon years of friendship, of love, of loyalty, of understanding.
They think of the future. How they'll take Logan and Camille's children out alone for hockey and ice cream and pretend it means nothing at all.
At dawn, Logan falls asleep with James' arms securely around him. James disentangles himself from the shorter boy and leaves without a glance back at what could have been.
June 22nd 2013 – Target Center Parking Lot, Minneapolis, MN, 11:43 AM
"James, stop it." Logan pushes at his chest.
"You're no fun."
"Seriously, get off of me before Kendall and Carlos get back."
James nuzzles closer into Logan, "I bought Carlos a toy airplane. That should buy us a few hours."
Logan chuckled, "You're unbelievable."
He kisses James softly on the lips. They're squished together in Logan's bed on the tour bus.
"Can you believe this is our last tour?" Logan sighs.
"Let's not think about it, there's still two months left of summer. Have you told Kendall and Carlos about school?"
"No, I was going to do it today. It shouldn't come as a surprise though."
They'd all decided for over a year now when Big Time Rush would come to its eventual end. Never in a million years would either James or Logan have imagined that they'd start something like this towards the end of their time together.
It started as a heated argument over something miniscule. The two had fought more and more as time wore on. In a hotel room somewhere between their tour stops, the yelling died out with James' lips pressed against Logan's.
What it all meant unspoken between them. The tension dies down. Kendall and Carlos never ask questions, just happy to carry on without the constant bickering. James and Logan steal kisses every chance they get. In time, creating elaborate schemes just to have five minutes alone together.
In the back of their minds, they both knew they'd have to go their separate ways at summer's end, James back to Hollywood to start a film career and Logan to college that had been put off for far too long.
Now, in the middle of the afternoon left alone by their two best friends, they're pressed together as they've been many times before.
"Mmm" he moans, "Have I thanked you yet for buying us time?"
James laughs. He's never been this happy. If James had his way the summer would never come to an end.
"Hey, I got you something." James grins as he reaches to the bag kicked down at the bottom of the bed. "Close your eyes."
"Seriously?" Logan asks, embarrassed by the request.
"Yeah, dude, come on."
Logan complies with an exasperated sigh. Despite the reaction, he's grinning from ear to ear. He hears the crinkle of a bag and then another pop.
"Okay, open them." James is beaming at Logan with a cherry Ring Pop between his fingers, "Logan Mitchell, will you-"
"Oh my god, stop." Logan meant to joke but his tone ended elsewhere. His eyes have gone dark and James falters for a moment, worried that he's taken it too far, pushed whatever they have into a territory neither are yet comfortable.
"You are so corny." Logan teases, hoping to lighten the mood.
"Humor me." He pouts, "Marry me?"
Logan tries to steady his breathing and forces a laugh. He nods exasperatedly when James slips the Ring Pop onto his finger. He takes the cherry candy into his mouth before pressing his lips against James' smile.
"Wait, does that make me the girl?" Logan squeals.
"I'd say so."
"Can we take a moment to remember who was Prom Queen?" Logan teases, pressing the sucker against James' mouth.
"I thought we agreed to never talk about that." James whines with a slight shove towards Logan's shoulder, sucking the Ring Pop nonetheless.
"Nuh uh, you'd be the girl. You'd totally be a bridezilla."
James smiles and pulls Logan back against him, grateful that the more reserved boy hasn't bolted at his Ring Pop. He kisses Logan's temple and holds him in place. James closes his eyes and lets his mind imagine what he knows he shouldn't.
"Totally. You'd have no say in anything. Our motif would be James Diamond. Can you just imagine my face on every party favor…the invites? A to-scale replica of me for the cake?"
Logan chuckles, "Oh, that's appalling."
"It'll be great. Stuff to tell the kids about. James Jr. and James Jr. Jr." James teases, already lost in his fantasy miles ahead of Logan's comfort zone.
James' smile dies down when Logan's eyes go dark. A silence overcomes them. Logan moves back slightly, not enough to roll away but enough to make James regret saying anything at all. Logan clears his throat.
"Have you seen my phone?" Logan asks, fumbling around the small, enclosed space.
"Is that what I'm laying on?" James reaches beneath him.
"Huh," he muses, "You've got 3 missed calls from Camille. You're still in touch?"
Logan checks his phone quickly before tossing it back aside.
"I told her I'd be at NYU in the fall. Wanted to see if she wanted to meet up since she's on Broadway."
The conversation is forgotten when Logan pins James down on his back and attacks his neck with short wet kisses. The Ring Pop leaving red stains on James' white shirt as Logan's hand fumbles underneath it.
A million words go unsaid, a million desires denied.
They've always loved each other. And they always will.